lantipan Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Anyway, this is how it started. He started dating her over 3 years ago, and just over 2 years ago they broke up and she moved away. Since then he has gotten a new girlfriend and they been living with each other for about a year and a half now. So the other night she came over to my house for a party(We always got along fine so invited her over, since I haven't seen her in ages) and we had a few drinks and ended up making out. I told one of my friends and he told my buddy, now he is totally pissed and considers me not a friend anymore. what should I do?(and yes I do have feelings for this girl)
Crazy Magnet Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 How long did he date this girl? A few dates? Or was it serious?
Author lantipan Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 it was serious for about a year
Phateless Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Anyway, this is how it started. He started dating her over 3 years ago, and just over 2 years ago they broke up and she moved away. Since then he has gotten a new girlfriend and they been living with each other for about a year and a half now. So the other night she came over to my house for a party(We always got along fine so invited her over, since I haven't seen her in ages) and we had a few drinks and ended up making out. I told one of my friends and he told my buddy, now he is totally pissed and considers me not a friend anymore. what should I do?(and yes I do have feelings for this girl) You kissed HIS EX or HIS GIRLFRIEND? Your post doesn't make sense. I think you should just talk to him about it. To flat out end a friendship over this is really immature, especially if he has a new gf he lives with. It's one thing to be upset, that's understandable, but to end the friendship without even talking about it is pretty juvenile.
Crazy Magnet Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Hmmm.....well. IMO it's never a good idea to date any ex's that a friend was serious with. I always thought it was just understood amongst friends.
Author lantipan Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 It's his ex gf. Ya, I really wants to talk to him about it, but he isn't pleased so I don't think he'll want to talk to me.....
BG1985 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I think there should be a statute of limitations. If your friend has gotten into a new, serious relationship in which he actually lives with the girl, it shouldn't be any of his concern anymore, especially since it's been more than two years since they dated.
homersheineken Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I think there should be a statute of limitations. If your friend has gotten into a new, serious relationship in which he actually lives with the girl, it shouldn't be any of his concern anymore, especially since it's been more than two years since they dated. Exactly. Esp if the time since he dated her is longer than the time they were together. That's pretty "unfriendly" of him to think only he gets to date her even though you might be a perfect match.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 If you like her, pursue her, and let your "friend" come talk to you about it if he wants to. Don't let his selfishness come between you and someone you think you might share a real connection with.
O'Malley Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 IMO it's never a good idea to date any ex's that a friend was serious with. It's unrealistic to expect indifference when there's shared history. You don't have full knowledge of what went on in their relationship. It would make him wonder if you question his judgment and choices. His girlfriend is an ex for a reason... I do think if you value your friendship you should have let him know you wanted to pursue her. Not because you need permission, but at least he wouldn't have been taken by surprise. If you want to be with her you have to take the risk that your friendship may change or end.
Phateless Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 It's unrealistic to expect indifference when there's shared history. You don't have full knowledge of what went on in their relationship. It would make him wonder if you question his judgment and choices. His girlfriend is an ex for a reason... I do think if you value your friendship you should have let him know you wanted to pursue her. Not because you need permission, but at least he wouldn't have been taken by surprise. If you want to be with her you have to take the risk that your friendship may change or end. I agree with this. I once asked my buddy for the green light before hooking up with his gf's sister. Not that I needed permission, but more that I wanted to know how it would affect his relationship - didn't want to get him in trouble with his gf. He said "if you think you have a chance then go for it." So I did.
harmfulsweetz Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I think it all depends. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? You have to consider this. I understand its been a considerable length of time, but there's certain people from my past I wouldn't want my friends going anywhere near. Not because I would be jealous, but because I would seriously be concerned for them with them. Give it time. Ask his permission before pursuing anything with her. There's certain things that are untouchable IMO, and you should have asked before pursuing her in the first place. Would you want him to ask you if it was the other way around?
counterman Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I had a similar thing going on. Difference was I had a bad break-up with my ex and I was still healing and the my so-called friend surprises me one night and tells me hey, this is what's happening so accept it. Though, he was not my friend (even though he thought he was). O'Malley said something that I really believe. If you value his friendship, you would tell him that you are pursuing her. It shows some respect and you can discuss it, so it won't be as awkward as, say, finding out through a friend or seeing you two together unexpectedly. I agree with harmfulsweetz. For me, this quite of situation would be very touchy. How would you feel if it happened to you? Talk to him about it.
harmfulsweetz Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I had a similar thing going on. Difference was I had a bad break-up with my ex and I was still healing and the my so-called friend surprises me one night and tells me hey, this is what's happening so accept it. Though, he was not my friend (even though he thought he was). O'Malley said something that I really believe. If you value his friendship, you would tell him that you are pursuing her. It shows some respect and you can discuss it, so it won't be as awkward as, say, finding out through a friend or seeing you two together unexpectedly. I agree with harmfulsweetz. For me, this quite of situation would be very touchy. How would you feel if it happened to you? Talk to him about it. Spot on. It is all about respect, and considering someone else's feelings. If one of my friends asked me before she did anything with my ex, I'd respect her a hell of a lot more than if she just went ahead and did it. It shows you are willing to consider their feelings into the equation, and they are more important to you than getting with this chick. He feels disrespected, that's why he won't speak with you. You didn't violate boundaries by going with her as such, but you did when you never asked him first.
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I think there should be a statute of limitations. If your friend has gotten into a new, serious relationship in which he actually lives with the girl, it shouldn't be any of his concern anymore, especially since it's been more than two years since they dated. Ditto! Where you did make a mistake was telling a third party about it before you informed your friend that you had become involved with his ex. I would be concerned that he cares so much. Is he still hung up on her and will he make trouble? Are you willing to give up his friendship (not much worth keeping, imo) to pursue a relationship with her?
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