Should we change our view on dating?

[Tinker Bell]

Hello everyone

 

Lately I've been thinking alot about relationships and dating. The reason for that is that I just came out of a disfunctional, hurtful two year relationship. I would like to share my thoughts with you and can't wait to see what you have to say.

 

As I mentioned before I am single again. And even though I am romantically, emotionally and sexually detached from my ex, I still feel hurt inside. Not just because of the break-up, but also because I suffered alot during our relationship. There is no way I would ever want to be in a relationship with that person again. I learned from it though. It opened my eyes. I know now what I should be looking for and can only hope it made me wiser. There are times when I feel low and not sure if I could open myself up again, but also times when I look forward to being in a new and healthy relationship.

 

I know that I would not have a problem finding people to date. And even my friends (guys and girls) tell me I could have anyone I wanted. But the thing is I don't just want anyone. I want someone great. Great for me means the perfect match. So yesterday I read a lot about love. And just to show myself, that there is other guys out there I joined a free dating website. I did not load up a picture or fill out my profile, but I did take some tests and started looking for my "matches". I don't intend to contact anyone, because at this point (so shortly after the break-up), I don't want to force myself into the dating world again. It'll happen when it happens. Also I am more old-fashioned and prefer to meet people outside of the internet.

 

But I did learn something interesting about myself. Let me tell you about this. I am picky when it is about looks (which does not mean I am superficial, but I do need to be attracted to someone). I clicked on a profile of a guy who was decent looking(maybe a little older than I was used to). We had a high compatibility. He sounded great, fun, mature, responsible. He was actually just what I was looking for or so I thought. But the more I read the more I realized that at this point of my life I could not feel happy around him. I am young, 22. I realized that I don't want a guy who wakes up every Sunday morning to go to the farmer' s market, who prefers wine tasting over partys and so on. Don't get me wrong, I am a mature and classy person but I think that in a relationship with that guy I would constantly feel immature, even inexperienced. Maybe ten years from now but not at this point. Then I clicked the profile of a guy who I would probably fall for in real life. Very attractive, charismatic, artsy, fun. Just like my ex.

 

I realized that it is not just about the right match but also about the right time. So maybe that means that at the moment I should rather date fun people who I share interests with. But that sounds like the classical recipe to getting hurt. I don't open my heart easily but once I'm in love it gets very intense, which often results in a painful heartbreak.

 

So how can I protect myself from getting hurt? I think the secret is to change your opinion on dating in general. I used to have a bunny when I was a kid. I was devestated when it died. From then on I would always have hamsters, because I knew from the beginning they had a short lifespan, which helped me alot. Maybe this is how we have to look at relationships. Sure, everyone wants to find that special someone, their significant other.But let's face it. This is how we get hurt. By constantly thinking "this time it will work". We are often forcing something that has no potential into a certain direction and when it doesn't work out we are heart-broken. But if we lowered our expectations or got rid of them and just be open to meeting people it would make everything alot easier. By having no expectations I don't mean taking whatever crosses your path. You should still figure out your values and be selective about your choice of partners. But accept the fact that you can't force anything and that you can't change other people. If it doesn't work, then move on to the next person. And if it works out, well then good for you. Just remember that people change and there is really no guarantee it will last forever.

 

You could save yourself a lot of pain.

Edited February 1, 2010 by Tinker Bell

[meerkat stew]

Young lady, if you keep dating hamsters, you will end up in jail. I highly advise against it.

[Tinker Bell]

thank you...the next time maybe a contsructive answer?

[meerkat stew]

Well I agree with everything you posted, except for the dating hamsters part. Best wishes finding a human to date, you are on the right track with the dating sites, everyone there on those sites is human, no animals allowed.

[Tinker Bell]

Buttnutter you completely missed the point. Just because I am young and just came out of a relationship does not mean I want to sleep around, party all the time and reject long-term relationships. And I am not afraid of commitment like you assumed. I lived with my ex, hell we even got married.

 

I would love to have a real relationship. But I don't want to force it. That's what kind of happened in my last one even though the guy was a selfish jerk who treated me badly. Yes, I was naive I know yadda yadda.

 

And I am not rejecting that one guy just because of the thing with the wine tasting and farmer's market. That's ridiculous. And that was not my point. I could just tell that he is at a different point of his life, where he wants to settle down unlike me. And I am not interested in that other guy I mentioned. That's just the type of guy I fell for in the past, Someone funny, good looking and charismatic. My last relaionship has taught me what to really look for. So don't 'honey' me and assume I am a superficial bitch.

 

Please read the title and don't analyze me. I was sharing a thought. If there is something unclear, ask me.

Edited February 1, 2010 by Tinker Bell

[meerkat stew]

There are excellent veggies, fruits and all kinds of good food at the Farmer's Market, why won't you date a nice man who wants to take you on a nice date to the Farmer's Market? The Farmer's Market is your friend! The Farmer's Market is a -great- place for getting flirty and wild, I even went to one with a mirrored disco ball once.

 

Seriously, OP, just teasing. Really didn't get the gist of what you were asking in your OP? What's the question?

[Tinker Bell]

@meerkat: No question was asked... As I mentioned twice I am just sharing a thought I was having. I don't need an analysis of my dating behaviours, I am just interested in people's opinion on my thought that we should change our view on dating and having less expectations in order to save us some pain.

 

like I mentioned. If there is something confusing, just ask me. English is not even my first language

[greatgirlfriend]

There's a farmer's market where I live (I live near farmers in fact) and no, I wouldn't want that for a date. A casual get together doing that? Sure, why not? Wine tasting is a lot of fun, but I never appreciated it until I turned 30 or so. The OP is young and her interests will change in time, but if that's not her idea of fun, that's her right. There are many things I wouldn't appreciate a guy taking me to in the early stages of dating (flea market comes to mind, and yes a guy did this).

[meerkat stew]

Would you like to go to the Farmer's Market with me this Sunday?

[greatgirlfriend]

Would you like to go to the Farmer's Market with me this Sunday?

 

If you live by me, I'd gladly go out with you. You have a great online personality and remind me of a former coworker.

[Tinker Bell]

People just forget about the wine tasting and farmer's market. That's ridiculous. I am not complaining about the activities or dates he could take me to. IT'S JUST THAT HE IS OLDER AND IS AT ANOTHER POINT IN HIS LIFE. I don't understand why that is so hard to understand.

 

If you don't have anything constructive to say, please just don't post.

 

And my main focus were not the guys I mentioned. They just led me to my thought of lowering your expectations about relationships in general. I feel like I have to explain this over and over again, not fun.

[greatgirlfriend]

People just forget about the wine tasting and farmer's market. That's ridiculous. I am not complaining about the activities or dates he could take me to. IT'S JUST THAT HE IS OLDER AND IS AT ANOTHER POINT IN HIS LIFE. I don't understand why that is so hard to understand.

 

If you don't have anything constructive to say, please just don't post.

 

And my main focus were not the guys I mentioned. They just led me to my thought of lowering your expectations about relationships in general. I feel like I have to explain this over and over again, not fun.

 

I don't mean this to sound rude (and not my intention) but you are young and your interests will change. When I was 22 I was into the party thing. I loved to go to nightclubs and dance and drink. Now? Likely not. As you get older you will like and be more flexible to new things. Trust me, I was like you.

[meerkat stew]

If you live by me, I'd gladly go out with you. You have a great online personality and remind me of a former coworker.

 

That is very kind of you, thanks! Hopefully it's not a coworker who put whoopee cushions in your chair, shocked you with a hand buzzer and jumped out from under your desk wearing the gorilla mask. If you are that same woman I did that to back in 98, then I know for sure you won't go out with me. In fact, I can't go within 500 yards of you unless you changed your mind? Oh, I so hope it isn't you!

 

OP, sorry for the derail. But we kept you bumped up top for awhile!

[greatgirlfriend]

That is very kind of you, thanks! Hopefully it's not a coworker who put whoopee cushions in your chair, shocked you with a hand buzzer and jumped out from under your desk wearing the gorilla mask. If you are that same woman I did that to back in 98, then I know for sure you won't go out with me. In fact, I can't go within 500 yards of you unless you changed your mind? Oh, I so hope it isn't you!

 

OP, sorry for the derail. But we kept you bumped up top for awhile!

 

Nope, not me. My former coworker did play jokes on me (like throwing a fake rat at me and I laughed). However all the things you mentioned are things he would have done (and I would have laughed).

[boogieboy]

And just to show myself, that there is other guys out there I joined a free dating website. I did not load up a picture or fill out my profile, but I did take some tests and started looking for my "matches". I don't intend to contact anyone, because at this point (so shortly after the break-up), .

 

Oh boy, if you think that guaging the kind of guys that are out there by going online, you'll be sadly dissappointed. But dont worry, youre practically a baby, fresh off a breakup...You'll be back to being really picky and raising your standards and expectations again...in a month or so. Or after the firsst couple of dates.

[Tinker Bell]

I must say I'm kind of disappointed of certain posts. Some are even off-topic. If I had nothing smart to comment on a certain topic I would just shut up and let other people answer.

 

Anyhow, thanks for your answer boogieboy. I was not trying to find people on the internet, I don't need to. To be honest I don't even know why I did it, my account is closed again, but it led me to my theory. And what did you mean by 'being back to picky in a month'? I am now more picky than ever, that's why I said 'don't just take anyone who crosses your path'.

 

Well, I can only hope that someone out there sees my point and can comment on my new view on dating. NOT on bull****, thanks.

[Satisfaction]

I must say I'm kind of disappointed of certain posts. Some are even off-topic. If I had nothing smart to comment on a certain topic I would just shut up and let other people answer.

 

Anyhow, thanks for your answer boogieboy. I was not trying to find people on the internet, I don't need to. To be honest I don't even know why I did it, my account is closed again, but it led me to my theory. And what did you mean by 'being back to picky in a month'? I am now more picky than ever, that's why I said 'don't just take anyone who crosses your path'.

 

Well, I can only hope that someone out there sees my point and can comment on my new view on dating. NOT on bull****, thanks.

 

Well, this is my last post before I go to bed. I think your post is about lowering your standards? In some ways this works but in other ways its really counter productive. If you think the relationship won't last then you tend to pick anyone even guys you think are not suitable even without realising it.

Nothing worse than being dumped by someone you didn't even like that much in the first place.

Its true that your good friends will probably be your longest lasting relationship but its really important to take your time choosing someone no matter how long it last.

More satisfaction that way, I think.

[Tinker Bell]

Well I think this is my last post on my own topic. Either people are not capable of reading or I must have been really confusing.

 

I did NEVER say that I lowered my standards or became less picky. NEVER. I am a very picky person and especially since my last relationship I learned alot and know what is really important in a relationship. It helped me figuring out my values.

 

I will explain this for the last time..all I was trying to say is that I should change my view on dating. Meaning that you should always keep in the back of your head, that a relationship might not work out or might not last forever. And if that happens, it won't meant the end of the world. Yes, I am younger than certain people here and maybe you are wise enough to already know what I was trying to explain, but you don't have to call an almost 23 old woman a 'baby' or stress that she has less experience than others here.

 

Well, if anyone takes this thread seriously or can see past my age, then I appreciate your opinion. Thank you.

[Barky]

Who cares, really? The girl is 22, her desires will change 50 different times in the next year. She should be going out, partying, doing what she likes, not whining on message boards to random people about finding a new boyfriend.

 

Go have some fun. Date the dudes who turn you on. Don't take anybody seriously because nobody will be taking you seriously.

[Tinker Bell]

This is a forum to share stories, opinions or ask for help. God, what the hell is this forum for if you are not even allowed to do that?

 

Seems like hardly any respect here. Some people seem like real a*holes and seem extremely immature for their age. That's sad and discourages me to be part of this community.

[meerkat stew]

Sorry, OP, we mean well. I just couldn't tell what kinds of replies you were seeking if any at all, so decided to try humor with you.

[Tinker Bell]

@meerkat: don't worry about it. I felt like I was in general not being taken seriously and that people rather commented on me than on my post. Also I feel like certain people put others down, for example because of their age which is discriminating and should not be this way. For example by saying stuff like 'the girl is 22' instead of adressing me etc. That is immature and makes me think twice before I'll post a topic again.

[meerkat stew]

Hopefully you will post again. It seems that threads that ask a specific question and aren't really long tend to be taken more seriously, maybe try that.

[Tinker Bell]

thanks, I appreciate it.

[Barky]

I think that people here are having difficulty trying to figure out the point of the OP's first post. Seemed like some sort of rambling diatribe with little point to it.