jasperlynx Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I have been married for 15 yrs. Times have been rough now and then. Wife really does not respect me for number of reasons ..(not cheating..never) just white lies and the fact that she is a control freak and I let her control me . I love her dearly and for the most part ..I have no family and very minimal friends and simply depend on her for friendship companionship and love. I care for her and would do anything for my wife and my 2 young children. 9 and 6 yrs. Yesterday my youngest ask my wife out of nowhere "Do you love daddy?" and my wife shrug her shoulders like "not really" . I was very hurt and angry ..yes both..at her reaction. She has not told me she loves me in a while to me...but why tell your 6 yr old that you dont. Poor kid looked so confused. Have not spoken to her since. I feel like telling her to go #$&*$ herself. I felt very disrespected down right stepped on right in fron of my child. What should I say or do?
HeyThere Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 (edited) As you said, she’s treating you with disrespect and you take it. Tell how you feel and be ready for some arguments. Stand your ground and let her know you’re ready to move on. Nice guy syndrome doesn’t always work. You don’t need to be a jerk, but definitely not a doormat. Get a backbone and grow a pair… Edited February 1, 2010 by HeyThere
soserious1 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I have been married for 15 yrs. Times have been rough now and then. Wife really does not respect me for number of reasons ..(not cheating..never) just white lies and the fact that she is a control freak and I let her control me . I love her dearly and for the most part ..I have no family and very minimal friends and simply depend on her for friendship companionship and love. I care for her and would do anything for my wife and my 2 young children. 9 and 6 yrs. Yesterday my youngest ask my wife out of nowhere "Do you love daddy?" and my wife shrug her shoulders like "not really" . I was very hurt and angry ..yes both..at her reaction. She has not told me she loves me in a while to me...but why tell your 6 yr old that you dont. Poor kid looked so confused. Have not spoken to her since. I feel like telling her to go #$&*$ herself. I felt very disrespected down right stepped on right in fron of my child. What should I say or do? Did you stop to consider that many people stay in marriages in which they're unhappy because they have kids and that your wife might be one of them? Did you also stop to consider that your 6 yr old put your wife on the spot? Telling a 6 yr old directly" no I don't love Daddy" in response to such an off the cuff question would have been inappropriate, lying to the child and answering "Yes I love Daddy" would have also been wrong, so she shrugged and moved onto another topic. She might also be lying awake at night hoping and praying that you tell her to "go #$&*$ herself" I mean seriously here, did you want her to lie to the child or openly declare that she doesn't love you before having a divorce discussion and prepping the child?
BlueeyedJonesy Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Wow..that is really messed up of your wife to say that. I would tell her to @#$#% off like someone else said. Stop being a doormat, you deserve respect.
soserious1 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Wow..that is really messed up of your wife to say that. I would tell her to @#$#% off like someone else said. Stop being a doormat, you deserve respect. his wife didn't say anything.. she shrugged her shoulders after being caught totally off guard by a question from a six yr old. Should the wife have lied to the child instead?
HeyThere Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 (edited) To use the child as a courier is an act of spinelessness. So yes, she should have told the child a white lie and confronted her husband. Now this is in the open, be ready…. Edited February 1, 2010 by HeyThere
soserious1 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 To use the child as a courier is an act of spinelessness. So yes, she should have told the child a white lie and confronted her husband. Now this is in the open, be ready…. she didn't "use the child" the child broad sided her with an awkward question , she essentially side stepped the question with a shrug. Telling the kid "oh yes I loves your daddy" then announcing a divorce would be really messed up.
soserious1 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Aren't women just great? no Wog we all suck.
TaraMaiden Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 his wife didn't say anything.. she shrugged her shoulders after being caught totally off guard by a question from a six yr old. Should the wife have lied to the child instead? No, but really, it's not the kind of comment you make to a child, because it messes with everything, including the child's mind. It's not a question of lying. It's a question of saying the most appropriate thing, circumstantially, in as constructive a way as possible, thus avoiding any collateral damage. Parents have to think on their feet. Always. That's often what being a parent means. her response was meant to hurt. he was meant to hear it, and she meant to say it, to make an impact on him. She had no consideration whatsoever for either her husband or her child. This woman is beyond consideration, appropriateness or being constructive. She wanted damage, and caused it.
New_Life08 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I know there is two sides to every story, but I don't need to know anything else to say this is completely selfish and downright ridiculous to make such a gesture to a 6 year old. Even if she doesn't love you the way she used to, she should not express that to a child! It would have been better if she changed the subject and ignored the question all together. I would feel really hurt and upset too if I were you. I think I would have a serious talk with her about how this made you feel, and decide if the marriage is beyond repair. Sorry to hear about this, I know it is not fun going through this with children. I went through a divorce with 3 young kids...it is not fun, but better than letting them see the misery between parents who can't stand each other.
soserious1 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 No, but really, it's not the kind of comment you make to a child, because it messes with everything, including the child's mind. It's not a question of lying. It's a question of saying the most appropriate thing, circumstantially, in as constructive a way as possible, thus avoiding any collateral damage. Parents have to think on their feet. Always. That's often what being a parent means. her response was meant to hurt. he was meant to hear it, and she meant to say it, to make an impact on him. She had no consideration whatsoever for either her husband or her child. This woman is beyond consideration, appropriateness or being constructive. She wanted damage, and caused it. she either loves the guy or she doesn't.. lying to the kid and announcing a divorce a few weeks later would really mess with the child's mind, so would announcing "No, I hate your father" she might have very well been taken aback by the question and figured the side step was her best and safest move. Besides, the OP by his own admission is quite comfortable with telling his wife "white lies" hence causing the rocky marriage so live by the sword die by it too.
soserious1 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I know there is two sides to every story, but I don't need to know anything else to say this is completely selfish and downright ridiculous to make such a gesture to a 6 year old. Even if she doesn't love you the way she used to, she should not express that to a child! It would have been better if she changed the subject and ignored the question all together. I would feel really hurt and upset too if I were you. I think I would have a serious talk with her about how this made you feel, and decide if the marriage is beyond repair. Sorry to hear about this, I know it is not fun going through this with children. I went through a divorce with 3 young kids...it is not fun, but better than letting them see the misery between parents who can't stand each other. The woman didn't answer the question.. she shrugged her shoulders and more than likely changed the subject, probably because the question caught her totally off guard. and I hope for her sake that her white lie telling husband tells her to fsck off, she'll be better off
New_Life08 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 his wife didn't say anything.. she shrugged her shoulders after being caught totally off guard by a question from a six yr old. Should the wife have lied to the child instead? She didn't have to lie or shrug. She could have changed the subject as this was a delicate issue right now. The shrugging was deliberate to let dad and the child know how she felt at the time. I can only think it is because she is incredibly selfish and just don't care...period! It is sad when kids get caught in the cross-fire. They didn't sign up for this.
HeyThere Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 How about something more tactful - Daddy and I have been married for 15 years; we’ll talk about this later. She’s bringing the children in the middle of a situation which is hard enough. More likely than not, she will continue to use them inappropriately.
HeyThere Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 OK, you had me at go. I’ve checked some of your history here and noticed this is a continuing problem. You could’ve mentioned this from the get go. Let me paraphrase, your wife wants a divorce, she’s waiting to get a job to earn enough money to leave. She’s banished you to the attic, you live separately and you’re hopelessly in love with her. She is very manipulative, insecure, and angry; you let her walk all over you. I’m sorry to be harsh, is this correct? Get a backbone and grow a pair…
Samantha0905 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 This is a six year old child. I think she should have said "Yes, I love your daddy." The child wouldn't have asked the question if there weren't already obvious things going on -- to a six year old no less. I believe in protecting the emotions of a child this age. Put the child's feelings and emotions first. Even if they end up getting a divorce, I think it should be feasible to tell the child(ren) she will always have some love in her heart for their father. If not for anything else, because their marriage produced the children. After all, if you've married someone (and are still married), living in the same house together and have children together -- I would think one could honestly respond with a yes to, "Do you love daddy?" Even if the love isn't enough to sustain a marriage any longer, there should be some love left there. At least enough to say yes to a young chlld. Jeesh. The kid is six years old. What people share with children should be age appropriate.
HeyThere Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 If you want to learn to stand up for yourself, go for individual counseling – it is worth every penny. In your situation, I’d put off marriage counseling – wife probably doesn’t want to see how ugly she is anyway.
seibert253 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Extremely disrespectful, hurtful, and uncalled for. I think alot her are missing the point. Yeah you shouldn't lie to you kids, but come on. Now the poor kid is totally confused. Great mother and even better wife IMO. Dude, you need to call her on this. Grow a pair and tell her, not happy, there's the door.
Author jasperlynx Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 thanks for everyones response. Firs of all my wife has never beat around the bush and quite frankly she never holds back with anyone. I ve learned that she will not sugar coat anything not even with my younger child. She would not every lie to them and thats why the shrug. I need to realize the fact of the matter is " My marriage is doomed". If I tell her Im hurt and upset ..it wont matter..she wont care...if I tell her to go $*&! herself...it wont matter...she wont care. time to figure out my next move. ..................take my time for now ...things are going to get ugly..for me.
In_Repair Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 You never cheated and you make it sound like none of the "white lies" were about other women... so what were they about? Drugs, alcohol, money...? She is either fed up with the cause of your lies to a point where she truly imagines a better life alone, or she is having an affair. Stop trying to figure out her actions and concentrate on what is the driving force behind those actions.
Author jasperlynx Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 sometimes it was money and sometimes it was ..hey I will take care of that on tues.....and I would forget. ...mostly my forgetfullness. I really need to get out of this relationship....she will never fullfill my needs...like love and companionship. She is very bitter and I cannot turn for the better for us. .....Start saving my pennies on the side and move on...sooner or later.
HeyThere Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I’m very confused here, in a previous post you mentioned that your wife is using you until she gets a job. Now you state you need to save pennies to make a move. What is preventing you from forcing her to move out? This would instill fear in her attitudes and behavior. Don’t let her walk over you. Set up boundaries. You deserve better! Let her know she is not meeting your needs. You put a roof over her head and she treats you like s**t???????
Be Happy Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 (edited) Dude, you need to call her on this. Grow a pair and tell her, not happy, there's the door. You think it - now say it to her! The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Edited February 3, 2010 by Be Happy
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