Lakeside_runner Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Soo... I am back to being single That sucks a lot... because she's a great girl! I had conversation with the said girl - we decided that it has no future so we will remain friends. She said that she can't imagine living anywhere further than one hour away from her sister (ever), so... I am 29. I am finishing up a Ph.D. in math, I got an assistant professor position at a university in LA (3 years - then I'll have to move again, don't know where and don't know if it's going to be permanent). I run marathons and 1/2-marathons, I go to the gym five times a week, I am going to do my first triathlon this year. I practice Aikido. I am not socially awkward, quite the opposite actually. I have a great passion for cooking... It is the second time where I have to give up a relationship because of issues related to me moving because of my job (as I said in a previous post - in academia there is only about 100 openings within a year in the whole country). Please tell me - am I doomed to be single for the rest of my days???
greatgirlfriend Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Probably not. This reminds me of a family friend. He too is a professor (at University of Chicago I believe). He was single until about late 40's-early 50's, then he met the family friend. They've been married I want to say 15 years. Of course neither has children (she's about 60 or so). This is why I laugh when people say older people who have never been married have issues. He's the perfect guy who just concentrated on his career before meeting someone.
Dark_of_the_Moon Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 No, you are not doomed by a long shot. You sound like a good catch and you are only 29, entering the best time of your life for a man I think. You have a bright future and you will find the right girl.
You'reasian Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Soo... I am back to being single That sucks a lot... because she's a great girl! I had conversation with the said girl - we decided that it has no future so we will remain friends. She said that she can't imagine living anywhere further than one hour away from her sister (ever), so... I am 29. I am finishing up a Ph.D. in math, I got an assistant professor position at a university in LA (3 years - then I'll have to move again, don't know where and don't know if it's going to be permanent). I run marathons and 1/2-marathons, I go to the gym five times a week, I am going to do my first triathlon this year. I practice Aikido. I am not socially awkward, quite the opposite actually. I have a great passion for cooking... It is the second time where I have to give up a relationship because of issues related to me moving because of my job (as I said in a previous post - in academia there is only about 100 openings within a year in the whole country). Please tell me - am I doomed to be single for the rest of my days??? How much time till you move?
OnlyJake Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Are all your professors and collegues single? btw, sorry to hear that.
You'reasian Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 7 months... Plenty of time to prepare for your move. Do you have friends in LA?
Author Lakeside_runner Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 Ahm... most of them have wives etc. I don't anybody in LA...
You'reasian Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Ahm... most of them have wives etc. I don't anybody in LA... That's fine. There's nothing wrong with hanging out with your friends, married or not. How many friends/colleagues do you have in LA?
Author Lakeside_runner Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 Oh, I meant to write - I don't know anybody in LA...
TouchedByViolet Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Sorry about your breakup. The immediate future sounds gloomy and difficult but try not to worry too much. Judging from what you have said you are intelligent, social, active, and you can cook. I'm sure there are plenty of great woman waiting for a man like yourself.
Malenfant Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 No, you are not doomed by a long shot. You sound like a good catch and you are only 29, entering the best time of your life for a man I think. You have a bright future and you will find the right girl. Excellent advice DOTM Relationships need to be compatible with the other things in our lives that we need to be happy for ourselves. OP, you just have a lot going on, and you're ambitious. you know what you want out of life, and you're doing all the things you know you need to do in order to suceed. This is admirable, and DOTM is right, you're entering a wonderful time of life. The distance thing can be an issue, but not for all, and TBH I imagine you would probably be best in a relationship with a like-minded person, who understands your need to pursue your goals. No-doubt someone will come along for you:)
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 No you are NOT doomed...you sound like quite a catch...as another poster mentioned 29 for a guy is young considering men peak in their early 30's...your best years are still ahead of you! If I were single and in the area I'd scoop you up!
OnlyJake Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Ahm... most of them have wives etc. I don't anybody in LA... Then why the hell would you be doomed to a life of being single?!?!?! There are exceptions, but in general LA people are awesome - so chill. I've always had great experiences there.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 Have you actually asked your girlfriend to marry you and come out to live with you when you move to L.A.? No. We don't know each other well enough for that... Is there a reason her sister couldn't move out to L.A. as well, or they couldn't periodically visit each other? Her sister is married and is more or less settled here. They could see each other, I mean there is more than only one flight from LA here etc. This wouldn't be a problem... At some point you are going to have to decide what will be your first priority, your career, or your relationship. True - that's what I am worried about... You happened to have picked a career (academic math professional) in which there apparently are simply NOT a lot of job openings directly applicable to the profession. (Although quite frankly you could probably get jobs in finance/quantitative analysis for a private business or hedge fund for example. Or perhaps work for the government doing something like economic analysis or forecasting. Just examples.) I have a degree in economics as well so this is an option... I think you said previously an asst. prof. is not tenure track. It isn't. This is a starting position after getting a degree. It used to be possible to get a tenure track right after graduating but not anymore. Times have changed and nowadays it is customary to get at least one post-doc position in before getting a tenure-track position. In this post you indicate in three years you might have to go through this all over again. That's true. I can't guarantee where I'll find a job. So, what exactly do you intend to do if, in three years, you have established a serious relationship with a new woman, then have an issue about having to move across the country for your career vs. the relationship? Well, it's not I keep it a secret. This is an issue of compatibility. I gave it a thought several times actually. There are jobs that allow you to be mobile (like you can be a teacher pretty much everywhere etc.) Although we never had any specific conversations about our future, she has mentioned a couple of times that she wouldn't mind living somewhere warm for some time. She has also mentioned her cousin who moved to Hawaii and said that she wouldn't do such a thing on her own but maybe with someone she'd dare... If someone tells you from the get-go that she's confined to this area and doesn't want to move - well it's pretty much a deal-breaker. Maybe I am too picky? I say you need to man up and "go for it" with your current girlfriend. You have seven months until you need to move to L.A. Lots could happen in the meantime--you could get another job offer. Or, how would you feel if you took this job, moved out there, then in six months because of budget cuts you were laid off (or whatever the academic equivalent is)? Not possible. In academia the job hunt pretty much takes place from November till mid-February and that's it. Also, the contract is guaranteed for three years and you can't be laid off due to budget cuts. I have to graduate this June so I can't wait for other job offers. This is what you need to do. You go back to your girlfriend, look her in the eye, and say "I love you. Marry me. That's more important to me than anything in the world, even this pissant flunky non-tenured asst. prof. job in LA." I'm 100% sure it won't work. Seriously... Or else in three years you will be going through the exact same thing. Thanks...
Crazy Magnet Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 You are NOT doomed. Because if you are doomed....then I am also doomed! lol I realized when I went for my PhD that it would require me to move out of this area when I finished it. The likelihood of landing a tenure track position at the University where I am earning my degree is pretty slim. I've always been up front with guys I have dated, and I throw the "Not only am I looking for forever, but also I am looking for mobile." Then I explain my position. If a guy says upfront that he will never relocate, I don't even bother dating him. There is no point if I KNOW I have to move. There are people out there willing to move for the right person. I wish I had the option of going and working anywhere, but I have to go where ever the jobs are. Still though, we are NOT doomed.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 Um, I didn't break up with her! That's the thing... So all these things about living some place warm etc. she said them a couple of weeks ago - that's why I thought that a job offer in LA is just great. Last Wednesday we talked about it and since we haven't been together for a long time I told her that I want to keep what we have now and see where things go. I told her how important she is to me and so on. I asked her to think what she wants. I was not putting any pressure on her or something. It was just - hey this is how I feel about you and I don't want to end things between us, I rather want to see what it leads to. Today we met up and she told me that she can't imagine herself living in the LA area or anywhere else far away from her sister. So all that talk about warm places was just some abstract thing - not really thought through etc. I don't know... So much for asking her to move to LA. For Valentine's I was planning a getaway to Chicago to enjoy a couple of things that she wanted to see but never had a chance to. We'll still do it although our status now is kind of weird... I'm not expecting it to change anything. I just put so much planning into it that it'd be a shame to waste it now .
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