Crazy Magnet Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I've been thinking lately about what kind of "love" is behind those first few months of "I love you" in a romantic relationship. I tend to believe that two people cannot really be in love until they have been together for quite some time (think close to a year or more) and really know each other. Otherwise, how do you even know who you are loving? However, I don't think that means that you can't love a person before you are actually in love. I exchange ily with my closest female friends, and I certainly mean that I love them. I do love my bf, but I wouldn't say I have that deep in love thing going on, because we haven't been together all that long. Plus, it's easy to confuse love and lust/infatuation, at the beginning of a relationship too. This is one reason I think two people can't really be in love until that all wears off. So, when you say I love you to you SO at first, what type of love do you think you have? How long do you think it takes to truly be in love with your SO? Or do you think that in romantic relationships you go straight to in love and skip that sort of friendship type of love?
torranceshipman Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 We werent together more than about 3 or 4 months when we said it, and meant it. But we're mid-30's so I guess we know ourselves and what we want so well, that it is easier to say it and mean it. Of course I am not tryng to say that younger people wouldnt know, I'm just saying that we've had a lot of life experience and emotional development, etc, and know the difference between lust, love, etc...
Ms. Joolie Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 (edited) So, when you say I love you to you SO at first, what type of love do you think you have? A romantic love, just wanting to express itself in my own unique way, through words and with actions taken and one that can be seen from what is, and what has passed. In those three words of "I love you" is the memory, the presence, and a future of a romantic love. How long do you think it takes to truly be in love with your SO? As short or as long as you want it. When I say "I love you" it is a declaration. Or do you think that in romantic relationships you go straight to in love and skip that sort of friendship type of love? It's entirely up to choice, and feelings. Feelings will come and go, but the choice of the relationship can always be present. I choose to be in love with someone. My feelings may or may not follow at any given time, but I choose love at all times. What degree of love it is will be up to that particular relationship. You have a friendly love, a family love, a romantic love, etc... Edited February 1, 2010 by Ms. Joolie
Ms. Joolie Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 This last month I had been wondering about declaring my love for the man I'm with. We have this long, crazy relationship history together but we do love each other. I admit on my end I've been lacking. lol. I've not really taken the relationship seriously these whole 3.5 years and maybe he hasn't either because of that. This year though it is different. We both are holding on now and don't want to let go, I think. So saying "I love you" is different now. We say those words almost awkwardly, not really knowing what to do with them. I constantly overwhelm myself, and I realize that I over-think things many times. Words are only words, but the meaning behind "I love you" and what that implies does absolutely mind boggle me. Just seems there's no limit on what those words can mean. We create our own love lives. We create what we mean by "I love you". And that's where my man and I are at, I think. Yes, we love each other but...... but what? or so what? shivers. I suppose now we live a life up to those three little words that we declare. Something like that. It's a type of relationship I have little experience with, and even then, every relationship is unique.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 We werent together more than about 3 or 4 months when we said it, and meant it. But we're mid-30's so I guess we know ourselves and what we want so well, that it is easier to say it and mean it. Of course I am not tryng to say that younger people wouldnt know, I'm just saying that we've had a lot of life experience and emotional development, etc, and know the difference between lust, love, etc... I'm sure this holds true for the majority of people once they hid mid-30's. But the last actual boyfriend that I had is in his late 30's, and I swear to you, he once told me that if he had to have that "rush" that comes along with the beginning of a relationship forever before he would consider marriage. I'm not sure that's sustainable over time, but he might not know that considering his only long relationship was his marriage. Everything else had been three months or less. He equated the "rush" with love. Sometimes I think I'm overly cautious with my use of those words.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 So saying "I love you" is different now. We say those words almost awkwardly, not really knowing what to do with them. I constantly overwhelm myself, and I realize that I over-think things many times. Words are only words, but the meaning behind "I love you" and what that implies does absolutely mind boggle me. Just seems there's no limit on what those words can mean. We create our own love lives. We create what we mean by "I love you". And that's where my man and I are at, I think. Yes, we love each other but...... but what? or so what? shivers. I suppose now we live a life up to those three little words that we declare. Something like that. It's a type of relationship I have little experience with, and even then, every relationship is unique. At least I'm not alone in my over analyzing. The only difference is I'm at the beginning of my R, and not well into it. I think this is ultimately what I'm trying to understand. How do I know that what I mean, is what my SO means? Love is such a large concept to wrap my head around it's almost painful sometimes! Neuronal overload!
EricaH329 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Good questions! I'm curious to see what everyone has to say also! So, when you say I love you to you SO at first, what type of love do you think you have? Personally, in the past I have thought that I was in love before. It wasn't until I got out of the relationship (or towards the end of the relationship) that I realized I wasn't. Of course, like you mentioned, I did love them. But I wasn't in love with them. How long do you think it takes to truly be in love with your SO? I'm not quite sure if it's a matter of time, as it is a matter of distinguishing the difference between infatuation and love. Everyone has been infatuated with someone else before. When you are in love, you just know it. It's like nothing you've ever experienced before. And I think once you come to that point, that's when you know it's more than just infatuation. Or do you think that in romantic relationships you go straight to in love and skip that sort of friendship type of love? I have love for everyone that I care about. It's an immediate emotion that I have. I'm not too sure if you can be in love with someone, without having love for them at first.
EricaH329 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 How do I know that what I mean, is what my SO means? I believe that everyones idea of love is different. If what you mean by that statement, is you aren't sure if he's saying that he has love for you or he is in love with you, then perhaps you should ask him?
Sharla Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Being "in love" is similar to infatuation. Lust, butterflies, etc. Loving someone, is very different. It's an internal affinity towards someone.
Ms. Joolie Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 How do I know that what I mean, is what my SO means? Great point to bring up. OMG. We are thinking along the same lines in this. Personally, I think where my man and I are at is that we need to discuss that we are on the same page. I don't know. Having a discussion about it seems so drab, and totally against the man grain. Part of me just wants to see where this love will take us and the other part of me wants to talk about it and see that we are on the same page, that we have the same idea of a relationship. It seems that we can talk about what we want in a relationship, get centralized on what we want, create what 'we' want. When two people love each other, it's a relationship that both people create. Person A has one idea, person B has another, but together they create one relationship. If that can't happen, there is no long term relationship.... or the love just isn't there, is not present enough for a relationship to happen. Neuronal overload! Right? lol.
potatoepie3 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I just read your note today. I am in a relationship and I've never felt do alone. I don't want to pressure him. I don't want to lose him but I don't know what to do...When we are together ...he says he loves me ...but when we leave each other...if I don't call him...or email...there's nothing...and then he will tell me how sorry he is...he has such strong feelings for me...but he does...nothing after I say okay and we say goodbye. I am older. I am scared to be alone. But I just can't keep hanging onto someone who does this to me. I am venting. I am . _________________ This last month I had been wondering about declaring my love for the man I'm with. We have this long, crazy relationship history together but we do love each other. I admit on my end I've been lacking. lol. I've not really taken the relationship seriously these whole 3.5 years and maybe he hasn't either because of that. This year though it is different. We both are holding on now and don't want to let go, I think. So saying "I love you" is different now. We say those words almost awkwardly, not really knowing what to do with them. I constantly overwhelm myself, and I realize that I over-think things many times. Words are only words, but the meaning behind "I love you" and what that implies does absolutely mind boggle me. Just seems there's no limit on what those words can mean. We create our own love lives. We create what we mean by "I love you". And that's where my man and I are at, I think. Yes, we love each other but...... but what? or so what? shivers. I suppose now we live a life up to those three little words that we declare. Something like that. It's a type of relationship I have little experience with, and even then, every relationship is unique.
Ms. Joolie Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I just read your note today. I am in a relationship and I've never felt do alone. I don't want to pressure him. I don't want to lose him but I don't know what to do...When we are together ...he says he loves me ...but when we leave each other...if I don't call him...or email...there's nothing...and then he will tell me how sorry he is...he has such strong feelings for me...but he does...nothing after I say okay and we say goodbye. I am older. I am scared to be alone. But I just can't keep hanging onto someone who does this to me. I am venting. I am . _________________ From what you state here it sounds as if you are in a one-way relationship. He can't or just doesn't provide the type of love you need in return for your love. You need to take a look at your relationship and figure out if that's what you are going to settle for. Do you love him enough to accept that THAT is how it's going to be? Do you love him enough to accept how he is now is what he has to offer you? You can't change him, but you can change your attitude on it all, you can change your expectation. Or you can change the relationship. Relationships are suppose to be fulfilling, when it's not something has to change.
alphamale Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 How long do you think it takes to truly be in love with your SO? i'd say a good 10 to 15 years
Author Crazy Magnet Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 Great point to bring up. OMG. We are thinking along the same lines in this. Personally, I think where my man and I are at is that we need to discuss that we are on the same page. I don't know. Having a discussion about it seems so drab, and totally against the man grain. Part of me just wants to see where this love will take us and the other part of me wants to talk about it and see that we are on the same page, that we have the same idea of a relationship. It seems that we can talk about what we want in a relationship, get centralized on what we want, create what 'we' want. When two people love each other, it's a relationship that both people create. Person A has one idea, person B has another, but together they create one relationship. If that can't happen, there is no long term relationship.... or the love just isn't there, is not present enough for a relationship to happen. Right? lol. I'm sure I could ask the BF what he meant when he said it this weekend, but I'm not to worried about it....yet. I think I'm still at the point where I want to know exactly what I mean when I say it. Which is why I haven't said it to him yet. I know that I love him, just as I love my friends. I would do anything for him. But I want to mean it in a way that sort of hands over my heart to him in a complete way. I want to love in the way that makes me totally vulnerable to utter destruction, but trusting the other person enough to not do that. All this thinking for me stems from a thread that asked if it's possible to love like you've never been hurt. That's the type of love that I'm seeking. I know we all have scar tissue, but I'm so tired of my walls. I've always held some part of me back post divorce, and quite frankly, I'm driving myself nuts with that. It doesn't seem fair to the other person to get the slightly damaged me. Plus, holding back in love isn't who I am as a person. I'm more of a 150% type person rather than an 80% and I'm going to be slightly wary of you until the bitter end type person.
Ms. Joolie Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 But I want to mean it in a way that sort of hands over my heart to him in a complete way. I want to love in the way that makes me totally vulnerable to utter destruction, but trusting the other person enough to not do that. Exactly where I'm at in my relationship. I feel as if I've reached this point. Either I will love him so ^ or I should begin to let go. And I won't let go. The only choice I have then is to love him exactly as you describe. I feel incredibly vulnerable, even a little resentful because we aren't even married, and that's what I want. I resent that he's not my husband, that we aren't committed in marriage, yet I'm so ready to love him in this way. I think like you I'm dealing with a lot of questions and emotions in regard to love and relationships right now. Or we just think too much. haha
Author Crazy Magnet Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 Exactly where I'm at in my relationship. I feel as if I've reached this point. Either I will love him so ^ or I should begin to let go. And I won't let go. The only choice I have then is to love him exactly as you describe. I feel incredibly vulnerable, even a little resentful because we aren't even married, and that's what I want. I resent that he's not my husband, that we aren't committed in marriage, yet I'm so ready to love him in this way. I think like you I'm dealing with a lot of questions and emotions in regard to love and relationships right now. Or we just think too much. haha Probably this! I'm a thinker, it's what I do. I swear you might be in my head in this moment. That's one of my biggest fears, loving someone in that completely vulnerable way, not knowing if we'll ever end up married or not. My logical brain says "don't do it!!!" but the rest of me asks "How can you ever find that kind of true love and happiness if you don't take the walls down?" Yes I run the risk of my heart getting butchered again, but my chances are equally as good for it not getting butchered I think.
Ms. Joolie Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 "How can you ever find that kind of true love and happiness if you don't take the walls down?" Same thought runs through my head as well. I feel that I must give the kind of love I want to receive, as though what I invest is what will be returned. Not particularly true that I am guaranteed that return of love from a man, but that I owe it to myself to invest in love. It's my personal belief that no love is lost. So if I love much, it will not be lost, because that's just how the universe works. Cause and effect sort of thing, nothing wasted. So because of this belief, I should not be afraid to love, it can only do good in the universe. In short, giving love is always a good thing to do. And giving great love is a great contribution.
Calendula Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Ms Joolie and Crazy Magnet, I'm totally with you two on overthinking things and on what you're discussing about love. I went down a similar logical reasoning path a few months ago, but unfortunately for that guy, I decided that it was just infatuation and not really love. Telling the difference can be really tricky at first, for sure. At that time, I had decided that I would know when to say it for the first time because I wouldn't have to think about it, and it would just slip out as a verbal expression of a strong emotion for that person that I just couldn't hold in anymore. Until it gets said for the first time, and even after, I'm a strong believer in 'actions speak louder than words', prefering to show someone that they are loved and cared for, rather than just telling them so all the time. I totally believe that there are many different kinds of love, but that the type you two are describing, where the walls come down and you give your heart and trust totally to someone, and vice versa, is the type that makes for marriage material. Personally, I know I haven't found this type quite yet, though I've been close, otherwise I'd be married by now. This means I know plenty about what isn't this kind of all encompasing love, however, with examples, but most of them tie to the negative meanings. Just a couple to elaborate: Negative meanings/uses of ILY to be avoided: ILY = Needyness - The first person says ILY just to hear it back from the other person, and the other person doesn't feel any desire to say it back, for no apparent logical reason other than annoyance. ILY = Habit - Using ILY as the default ending to a phone conversation without actually feeling it or having a purpose for saying it. ILY = Avoidance - My sister and her husband use ILY as glossing over words for ending their arguments and avoiding dealing with their problems. Instead of discussing what they've disagreed about, they sweep everything underneath the carpet of "ILY so it is all OK" which just leaves the problem to resurface later. ILY = Asking for forgiveness - In this scenario ILY gets used as a request in the sense of: "I did this terrible thing that I know I shouldn't have done, but I hope you'll forgive me anyway, so I'm going to say ILY just to see if you say it back, because if you do then it means I'm forgiven if only because I haven't screwed up enough for you to not love me anymore." I'm sure there are more, but this is all I can come up with for now.
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