How do men cope with break ups?

[ClearVision12]

I'm thinking about putting together a documentary at college, concerning the matter of 'How break ups can affect the male in a relationship'.

 

There seems to be a stereotype surrounding the male in a relationship, that they're not really bothered by it, and a break up is (if anything) a minor setback in their life.

 

Obviously this isn't true, and I would love to get some opinions from people as to whether or not they agree with this stereotype.

 

If you are a male that has recently been part of a break up, how do you feel?

 

Do you feel as though you can't show your true feelings due to the steretype?

 

In short, how would you answer the question; How do men cope with break ups?

 

Obviously this is all very informal so please express your honest opinions!

 

Thanks :)

[broncosfrk83]

My ex dumped me a month ago, and the stereotype u decribe is completely false. I have never felt so much pain in my life and felt so worthless. It hurts like hell and i find it hard to function through things in life now. I got the whole I love you but im not IN love with you and that she had felt like we had just felt like friends to her for awhile now.

 

I feel its harder for guys in a way because its true that when a guy leaves a girl its usually spur of the moment and there is more of a chance of working out your issues. When a girl leaves you they usually have thought it about for awhile and have their mind pretty well made up. This is what happened in my case and even though i would ask what was wrong i would never get a good answer out of my ex.

 

I hate everyday that she let it get as bad as it did and left it alone untill she finally lost all feelings.

 

So to answer your question, no its not easy for guys and if it is then they problly didnt care to much about that person. I was with my ex for 3 years and it was the best 3 years of my life.

 

Another thing that comes to mind is now my ex is dressing all sexy and flaunting her goods out to all the guys. This hurts like hell and leaves me speechless. Guys cant wear a short skirt and show their clevage and get the attention girls do. I agree that its harder for women to find a good guy then it is for a guy to find a good women, but a woman (if shes confindent and good looking, which my ex is) can get laid and all of the attention they want, and yes i dont feel like trying to just "get some" but its hard when i love her to death and thats what she is trying to do and i cant do it.

[skydiveaddict]

My ex dumped me a month ago, and the stereotype u decribe is completely false. I have never felt so much pain in my life and felt so worthless. It hurts like hell and i find it hard to function through things in life now. I got the whole I love you but im not IN love with you and that she had felt like we had just felt like friends to her for awhile now.

 

.

 

I agree complelely I'm still trying to get it from three months ago I still hurt like hell

[jwork313]

[sIZE=3]Wow. I can definitely relate to what you are going through. When my ex dumped me, she gave me a ton of clichés during our last conversation. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]1)[/sIZE] [sIZE=3]I love you but I am not in love with you. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]2)[/sIZE] [sIZE=3]We were meant to be really good friends. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]3)[/sIZE] [sIZE=3]It is not you it is me. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]I started another thread about not knowing why I was dumped. It really came out of nowhere. The reasons she gave were. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]1)She can ‘t be with someone who has MS[/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]2)I didn’t go to church enough [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]3) She thinks I didn’t have my act together because I was unhappy at my current place of employment.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=3] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]It sounds like my girlfriend was thinking about dumping me for a while if she gave all of those reasons. However, she never gave me any type of indication she was unhappy or not attracted to me anymore. I was totally blindsided by what she did. It was the worst experience of my life. She treats me like crap now. I was really hurt and did not share any of my hurt with those who loved me because I felt foolish telling people just a week earlier that I wanted to marry her. I kept things bottled in for too long. I started to isolate myself and take part in impulsive behaviors to ease the pain. I almost lost my job because I let my hurt consume me. It was all just a devastating experience. [/sIZE]

[Chi NZ]

I agree with the two posts above.

 

When my fiance left me I was an absolute mess, could'nt function and was just distraught for some time.

 

If people don't have any emotions what so ever when someone leaves you then those people were probably not into the relationship anyway.

[Malenfant]

I'm thinking about putting together a documentary at college, concerning the matter of 'How break ups can affect the male in a relationship'.

 

There seems to be a stereotype surrounding the male in a relationship, that they're not really bothered by it, and a break up is (if anything) a minor setback in their life.

 

Obviously this isn't true, and I would love to get some opinions from people as to whether or not they agree with this stereotype.

 

If you are a male that has recently been part of a break up, how do you feel?

 

Do you feel as though you can't show your true feelings due to the steretype?

 

In short, how would you answer the question; How do men cope with break ups?

 

Obviously this is all very informal so please express your honest opinions!

 

Thanks :)

 

the only reason i think that this is assumed is because men (in general) have a harder time talking about their feelings than women do, and have more of a tendancy to bottle things up, and actually i think men have a harder time dealing with emotional issues because of this.

 

I dont think there is any difference between men and women as far as the amount of pain endured through a break up goes, but i think that men are more likely to suffer in silence compared to women, and that makes getting over stuff more difficult and drawn out.

 

but i hate generalising, and dont mean for a moment that this is true of all men, just a sociological observation.

[malc]

Its absolutely painful, and especially when your left, then your ex starts to play games with you, there are probably guys out there that dont care if they are left and its a small blip, but there is a majority as shown by those that frequent this forum, alot are left heartbroken and dont get over it so easily. I havent taken it well, only after 5-6 weeks, am I starting to realise that life goes on and deep down she was not deserving of my care or love.

 

Previously I was the happiest guy alive, having fun, single, and my fault was that I comforted a lonely, confused girl who took all my care and support, initiated our relationship then turned around and dumped me once she got back on her feet. Not even satisfied with doing that, she wont let me heal and get over her, trying to ruin my day with her showing shes clearly having fun with others and moved on. Naturally, I love girls but this girl is a complete bi@ch and there are unfortunately many more like her out there.

[bananaboat11]

ugh..

 

...I'm a good guy. My recent breakup was anything but a minor setback.

[br0ken_w0lf]

Mine wasn't a recent breakup but I certainly remember how I feel. Was with my ex-wife for almost 5 years (married 2) and she left ("love you but not in love with you"). It was easily the worst thing I've ever had to go through; I shed a ridiculous amount of tears, lost a lot of weight, drank, smoked; there were many times I simply didn't want to be on this planet, period. Was hoping for something bad to happen to me. That was two and a half years ago and while I don't feel that kind of pain anymore, it still hurts a lot to this day and I still have residual issues from the experience.

 

Take that, stereotype!

[USMCHokie]

Broke up a little over 6 months ago. One of the hardest times of my life...still feel it today...still not interested in dating anytime soon...

[HLP234]

I disagree that its just a minor setback. It depends on what happened, but in my case..my ex left me without saying anything..gave me the I need a break thing and then just completely vanished without even telling me her intentions. Sure I think she had it planned out or something of that nature, but no reason why we could not talk about it.

 

So to answer your question, because I was truly in love with her, I have been hurt beyond belief. I have never thought I would be so down my entire life and this had to be the cause apparently. I've been through a lot before but this i can not describe the pain.

 

I have been getting over it slowly, or at least trying to move on with myself, but it still hurts a hell of a lot. I'm wondering when that day will come that I will feel like I did before I met the girl..I forgot what it feels like to be how I was before. It just hurts and seems like it will just be there to plague me for however long. It's the worst I have felt, to be quite honest.

[LoveOrb]

bronco,

 

I love you but I'm not in love with you means she was cheating on you.

 

Chicks don't leave a long term relationship unless and until they've got a new guy in their sights or are already boffing him.

 

Do you have any close friends that seemed to be friendly with your ex? Did she talk about anyone at work? Good or bad? Etc.

 

Not that it matters, she's gone now, but the reason you can't understand it is that you didn't do anything wrong. If she was just unhappy or pissed off at you about something, she might have given you hell for that, nagged you, etc., but would not have broken up with you.

 

It's definitely another man.[/QUOte]

 

I would like some female perspective on this. I got that line from my ex and I honestly can't believe it. But I'm not in the right mind at the moment.

[LoveOrb]

I am not going to call you out on it, simply put, right now especially, I find it hard to believe. I was with her for four years, we literally had our lives entwined in many aspects. Is it impossible? Hell no, does it make sense in SOME way? Sure, but even now I'm not in the right mind to judge it untill I get all the facts. NC is making it damn near impossible for me to confirm that she did this, and perhaps my love is blinding me to some obvious truth. The thing is nutter, if she did do this, it will show eventually, our NC cannot last long and I will put for some questions to her that I've been saving up anyways.

 

For sure, physically there could be no cheating, but emotionally? I could possible agree on that, no matter how far fetched it seems to me.

[angelaM]

It's nice to hear how some of you men feel, I always heard the same thing about how it's easier for men. By the way I have never left a relationship for someone else, in fact I'm usually single for a long time in between. And this time I'm not sure I'll ever be ready to try again, it just hurts too much.

[DiscoChick]

Never thought that. So many great love songs to think that. lol. What about guys that don't dump women until they have someone secured in line?

[LoveOrb]

Well I glanced at a little bit of your back story/prior posts. It appears you have broken up with her more than once, you seem to blame this on your flaws. However why the yo yoing back in forth by her?

 

That's consistent with having some kind of outside hot and cold relationship with an affair partner, perhaps a married man who keeps stringing her along.

 

When she feels confident in her relationship with the affair partner, she feels like she can break it off with you. However if the affair relationship goes on a downslide for some reason, she needs you again.

 

She may not have gotten physically involved with anyone prior to your first break up, but perhaps emotionally. And people squeeze affairs into some pretty limited amounts of time. Lots of people conduct emotional affairs via text, cell phone/secret cell phone, or email. And they might only meet up one or two times for a brief period to physically consummate.

 

But let me ask you something: Do you really, truly believe your ex was not seeing someone else, casually or more seriously, during the times you were broken up with her? If you're NC now you have no way of knowing who she's with or what she's doing. Not really.

 

I am somewhat agreeing that the emotional cheating aspect was there during our first break, and I would pretty much agree for the second. Physically I would find it hard to believe of course, but that might just be me. She is younger than me and was totally devoted (as I was) to the relationship. Again your words don't seem to lie to me straight ahead, and I will certainly do what I can to get a straight answer from her. I won't force it, but there is one thing I deserve regardless of what she thinks, and that is an honest answer to me about what happened. Perhaps time by herself (or with a new guy, be he the one she might have "cheated" on with me or otherwise) will allow her to show her true feelings to me. Her main problem is our business is tied to each other, and unfortunately for her all of our partners happen to be MY close friends, which means she will either have to hide her feelings or eventually just let them out to me. As she told one of my friends when they asked if she would get back with me... "only time will tell..."

[ClearVision12]

Thanks alot for your opinions guys, this really helps!

 

Apparently there ARE people that disagree with this stereotype!

 

All your comments are welcome and valued hugely.

 

Can I ask, in a couple of sentences, how would you all answer the question 'How does a break up effect the male in a relationship?'

 

Thanks again!

[Toki]

It seems like you're only getting one side of the argument, the ones having been been broken up with, not the ones who have done the breaking up. So I suppose I'll give my two cents to how it is for some of us (who aren't sociopaths) what the break up process entailed for me.

 

The end of our relationship felt more like a mercy killing, we both knew we were at an impasse and drifting apart in a hurry, but neither of us wanted to admit it. We tried to forget, or run away from the inevitable end to five years of being the best friends we ever had. I kept her in the dark for the last six months, I just didn't feel whole, and she had so many problems that she expected me to fix, I just couldn't deal with it anymore, I had my own my problems, and she didn't want to return the favor it seemed. I don't blame her for it, that girl has a LOT of problems, but I was tired of being Lancelot always coming to the rescue, only to be thanked by another problem. I guess, after awhile I just lost interest, and I was angry.

When I realized that I was done, it didn't make any sense dragging her down with me, or being in a loveless relationship. I weighed my options, and we even talked about putting things on hold for awhile, but it seemed like every time we agreed, the next day she would latch right back on to me, even though I needed some space for awhile to get my life in order. One day, I just woke up, and I felt nothing for her anymore. That hurt. It was logical given the circumstances, but it was fear of being alone more than fear of being mistaken.

The last day, I invited her over (which was a mistake) but given our history, I thought at the very least she deserved to be in a setting she was used to. I told her, I can't be with her anymore, that I didn't love her. The look on her face, her tears... it still haunts me when I think about it, I never want to go through that experience ever again. That was probably the single worst day of my life.

How I dealt with my problems, I drank, smoked, slept around a bit. Did anything to fill the hole. But that's to be expected, that's what a lot of guys do, but what we don't realize what we're really missing are those moments when we can take off our mask of pride, and be human. With that one person, that means the most to us. Not having that anymore, you can only validate yourself, and it makes you stronger... but a little more skeptical, and little more bitter. It takes time to gain confidence in yourself, to be able to trust your intuition, I know now that the decision I made was the best for both of us, but I didn't know for over a year, and I didn't want anyone in my life because of it.

I can see how some guys can shrug it off, because it's easier to forget yourself in a bottle of booze, or in a stranger's bed. Those are the ones that are going to have a hard time when their heart decides to take another "real" chance, a lot of us are taught to suppress ourselves, but it'll come back to bite them in some form or another eventually if they don't deal with it now.

 

So to answer the question: is it easy for us to be in a breakup? If you were ever in love... I'd reply with a No.

[HLP234]

How does it affect the male? Well that depends on what type of person you are, your will to get over it and how much you let things get to you. For me, its pulled me into a deep depression, tired, restless, and and even unhealthy at time. All of these are caused by the mental depression and us missing the ex, not so much the person but how they used to make you feel.

 

At one point when it seems to be getting better, memories always come back to bring me down again..every day. I guess until the day I find someone else, and I'm not currently looking, then that is when all the symptoms will go away hopefully.

[health]

How do I feel?

After 1 year, I finally feel like I'm getting better.

It hurt so much when it happened. I still think of her.

In a sense I learned not to go out with certain types of girls.

Girls can be players the same way.

 

I do show my feelings to my journal and family.

The woman who say they don't like Men who show their feelings

are emotionally immature. I tend to take other problems as my own now. When I hear of slutty girls, I think my ex is one. I generalize sometimes which tortures me

 

Men cope very difficultly. Unless they read books.

 

Honestly I can see why men become heartless *******s.

After a major love break up, they can see women and life different.

They can move toward pleasure centeredness - which will gradually waste their life.

 

I had to be in check so many times. It's tough. But I'm healing.

Pretty much healed.

[ClearVision12]

 

This video is about getting cheated on i think, pretty deep lyrics... catchy too !

[spriggig]

This: "I hate everyday that she let it get as bad as it did and left it alone untill she finally lost all feelings."

 

I feel like my wife tore down our marriage behind my back.

 

When I focused only on her acts of betrayal, cheating and deceit, I felt very angry.

 

When I focused only on my continual neglect of her and what I had lost, I felt extremely depressed and guilty.

 

However, when I stepped back and took a broad perspective, including both of us in the picture and accepting exactly half of the responsibility for myself, I was able to forgive myself and her. Forgiving has been key to my own recovery.

[carhill]

'How does a break up effect the male in a relationship?'

 

I spend more time with good friends.

 

I adopted a cat.

 

Life is good.

 

(break-up in my case is divorce)

[Woggle]

The last breakup I had was the best thing that ever happened to me. Are there any other men here where a breakup or divorce was the right kick in the ass needed to make something of their lives? I thank my ex for helping me to become the man I am today.

[ADF]

Men can be utterly devaasted by breakups. How do we cope? Not well. As you say, men feel a lot of social pressure to bottle up sadness, not to look weak. That means we either grieve silently, redirect frustration elsewhere (sometimes at other women), or just wait it out.