Catseye8 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 For those of you who do believe second chances can work... what would you need to see/hear from the dumper before giving it another shot? If they vaguely suggested they were interested, would you be tempted to follow up on that? Or would you hold out for them turning up on your doorstep with three dozen roses and a barbershop quartet? For me, I'd need: - one hell of an apology - an explanation of why he cut and ran from a good relationship, and why I can trust him not to do it again - a willingness to sit down and talk things over, honestly and openly and at length. Anything less than that, and it wouldn't be happening. Not because I don't love him and want him back very much, but because I don't want to go through the same breakup pain again if nothing's changed! (Currently, my ex is trying to maintain contact, saying he misses me very much, saying he's sorry, and acknowledging that he owes me a huge apology and explanation and is working on himself so he can give me that. None of these are exactly 'I want you back,' though! I'm sticking with NC for my own sanity, but I've made it clear that I'd be happy to hear that explanation/apology when he gets there. So we'll see, I suppose - but constant flirty emails and texts, that's just not enough for me.)
LoveOrb Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 - an apology - a willingness to sit down and talk things over, honestly and openly and at length. Edited the quote to sum up how I feel. I dont NEED an apology, but I would definetly appreciate one. My situation is different, yes she has issues that would certainly need to be discussed if we were to be back together, but the majority of our relationship involved me not being the person I should have been. I mistakenly thought Love was all that was needed to keep our relationship together, and boy am I wrong. So to further include some things. - I would need her forgiveness for the ways I acted in the relationship. - I would need to know if the changes I am/have accomplished are enough to satisfy her, and if not, why. - I would need to certainly talk to her about any changes she's attempted, which I hate to say, but I seriously doubt she has. This is all assuming I even get a THIRD chance with her, and I'm fully aware, as the days and weeks go by, that it is highly unlikely. Only a few things going for me, it wasn't a "bad" breakup, I just hadn't done many of the things she wanted for the relationship, and she didnt see me following through anytime soon. She says she still loves me, she just isn't in love with me anymore, which hurts like all hell. I know practically all of her likes/dislikes and I will use that to my advantage when I decide to pursue her again. She has not counted out a third chance, simply asked for time and I now have to give it to her.
CaliGuy Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 A REAL apology. An honest desire to correct the issues that caused the split (meaning we go to counseling together) ACTIONS that 100% correlate with her words. Honestly, any of my exes who dumped me (all two of them, lol) would probably have to work much harder than they are willing/able so it's a moot point. The trust is completely gone and it would take years to rebuild it. And I'm just not that patient with someone who I know has already taken me for granted once. If they can do it once, they'll probably do it again...
David V. Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 An apology could be good. But I would need more a vow of unending loyalty. And even more than that, a clear establishment of WHAT can I ask of her, WHAT I cannot, and WHERE our individual boundaries truly lie.
DustySaltus Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 An apology, $45,000, an apology to my job, an apology to my mom and counseling sessions. Then we can talk.
LoveOrb Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 A REAL apology. An honest desire to correct the issues that caused the split (meaning we go to counseling together) Amendment, Cali speaks truth, I will be the first to ever bring up counseling BEFORE a breakup, because I simply find it hard to believe if you love someone enough you wouldn't be willing to try everything to keep that love going. That is, besides physical and emotional abuse, there are some situations where all that needs to be done is move on. An apology could be good. But I would need more a vow of unending loyalty. And even more than that, a clear establishment of WHAT can I ask of her, WHAT I cannot, and WHERE our individual boundaries truly lie. I'm not so sure about the unending loyalty, but I think thats situational of course. As for the rest, fully agree, you two are just pushing me along here
TuesGirl Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Well I 'technically' dumped him after I asked him if we were ever going to get married. (Not TOMORROW, just sometime...) And he said he didn't think so, even though for the past 5 months of post breakup he has contacted me ALL THE TIME. At any rate, I would need a ring or the promise of one within 6 months and affirmation that his 'freak out' was a one time thing and maybe, just maybe an explanantion as to 'why', but I don't think he even knows...He's like a deer in the headlights anytime I see him. He's sort of become a loner and a grumpy old man (accounts from his sister and passive aggressive, 'woe is me' emails that I get sometimes)
Ashkayi Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 There arent enough sorrys to give people a second chance if the line has been crossed. Its easy for me to forgive, but not easy for me to forget. And if ive been wronged, then ill smile and move forward. Life is much too short.
thepulse27 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 wow...I don't know. An apology, a real discussion of all the problems we had, and so much time to rebuild the trust and everything else she broke. Actions to match her words - physical evidence that she was prepared to make sacrifices and compromises in her life for the relationship. But like CaliGuy said, unlikely. I don't know if I could ever truly forgive, and I don't think she will ever be prepared to do what it would take earn my respect and trust again.
ducknrun Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Sadly enough i didn't require anything up front but all I wanted was trust honesty and commitment. (which never came so things didn't work out) Sorry... Comes with all that if they are willing to give you those what you need...
0hpenelope Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 (edited) Ok, I'll bite. A comprehensive reason why he wants to give it a shot and why he wants me at that present moment. Because when he had me, he didn't want me. I need some reassurance here, darn it!An appointment to Lacuna, Inc. (Free cookie to anyone who gets this reference! ) This appointment will take place after I receive my last 2 conditions.$100 million paid in lump sum. No installments. In lieu of $100 million check, I will consider taking a winning lottery ticket.And throw in a hybrid Porsche Cayenne too. Customized color of my choice. To summarize: his second chance will cost him a lot. When I burn my bridges, I don't look back. I need serious incentives to do so. Edited February 4, 2010 by 0hpenelope
Hersheys Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 (edited) - Sincere acknowledgment that he treated me real bad during and after the relationship - Actions proving that he will not take me for granted anymore - Must be crystal clear that he's not begging for me back ONLY because he recently broke up with someone or that he's about to get dumped - He must see me personally to apologize. His whole being at my doorstep. Not through texting, email, phone, IM, friend or relative Edited February 4, 2010 by Hersheys
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