Resentment Question

[EnigmasMuse]

For those of you struggling with resentment towards a loved one, or have struggled, what have you done to help you get past it? What are some steps that you can say for sure that has put you on the right path to move forward?

[hoping2heal]

IME, the best thing you can do is try and really understand where they were coming from when they made the decision they did. That said; it is a little different if you are resenting being cheated on or assaulted, etc um extremes like that you know?

[EnigmasMuse]

I understand what you're saying. I know where my resentments come from and I know why that person has done the things they have in the past etc. MY thing right now is trying to let that all go and get over it. Its not been easy. Those triggers we all get at times brings things flooding back.

[Ronni_W]

Uncover and take responsibility for how my own thoughts, words and actions helped create the negative situation. See all parties involved (me, other adults, childhood caregivers, teachers, etc.) as being "just human" with individual flaws, fears, needs and goals. Learn compassion and forgiveness. Give up guilt and blame. Replace ego/stubborn pride with humility to be able to offer heartfelt apologies.

 

A lot (a LOT!) of self-help reading, but find that having professional guidance and support can be a godsend.

[EnigmasMuse]

Uncover and take responsibility for how my own thoughts, words and actions helped create the negative situation. See all parties involved (me, other adults, childhood caregivers, teachers, etc.) as being "just human" with individual flaws, fears, needs and goals. Learn compassion and forgiveness. Give up guilt and blame. Replace ego/stubborn pride with humility to be able to offer heartfelt apologies.

 

A lot (a LOT!) of self-help reading, but find that having professional guidance and support can be a godsend.

 

 

Thanks Ronni. I have done all of what you said over the years, and be ok with things for a good while. But once in awhile I find that old familar resentment will creep back up out of nowhere, and I feel like the process starts all over. I'm sure it takes constant work to keep things in check.

[Ronni_W]

MY thing right now is trying to let that all go and get over it.

For me, that's especially difficult to do if one's original pain has not been acknowledged / there has been no heartfelt apology.

 

The best I can do about those is to believe *if* the person could take personal responsibility and also had the capacity for empathy and compassion, *then* they would feel sorry and they would apologize. I give them the benefit of the doubt, essentially.

And then try to have compassion for them...for their lack of knowledge and skills that would have helped them to have happier relationships and experiences. Try to feel sorry for them because they were so flawed and fearful that the only options they saw for themselves was to be hurtful, hateful, spiteful, unforgiving, etc. (Again, that's just the belief I choose to hold about it...another benefit of doubt.)

 

It takes time, I find, and repetition -- for some of the most painful stuff, I have to repeat that whole exercise (above) time after time after time. It even gets boring

 

I also work from a 'Bigger Picture' perspective. That my experiences are about balancing my own Karma, learning the Life Lessons I chose to learn in this incarnation...stuff like that.

 

Books on forgiveness that have really helped me move along in this area:

~ 'How Good Do We Have to Be: A New Understanding of Guilt and Forgiveness' by Harold S. Kushner

~ 'Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve' by Lewis B. Smedes

~ 'Forgive for Love: The Missing Ingredient for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship' by Fred Luskin (I'm still reading this one.)

 

Best of luck. Sounds as if we're working on similar "stuff".

[EnigmasMuse]

Thanks again Ronni, what you've said makes alot of sense.

 

I think thats one of the main struggles is the fact that some of the resentment I still hold, has to do with the people (notice I said people and not person) that were in my life, never ever said they were sorry and never ever accepted blame for nothing. I'm a firm believer in people taking responsibility for their actions/words. I didn't have alot of people in my life that did that. Maybe thats why this struggle has been so hard, I feel like I wasn't worth an apology and sure wasn't worth them actually showing it, not just saying it.

[Ronni_W]

I feel like I wasn't worth an apology and sure wasn't worth them actually showing it, not just saying it.

Yes, exactly!

 

I have come to view it differently. I now believe that they can't/couldn't apologize because doing so would have required them to look at themselves in a much more honest-realistic manner than they had the strength, courage and balls to do. Their self-image is/was that they only operate in the "love and light" spectrum of human emotions and behaviour.

So. Of course, any negative/painful outcomes of their love-and-light-filled intentions, words and actions were the result of the other person's misinterpretation, mistake, or being "too" this / "not enough" that.

 

They can't apologize because doing so would be their "admission" that they have "bad/negative" parts...and they just can't go there. To me, I think it's about their lack of self-love and self-acceptance, and their low self-esteem. I think that they think that, if they admit to their flaws, mistakes and ability to hurt me, then that would make them unlovable and I would stop loving them. It's their self-judgment, and their self-loathing, and their own fears/anxieties about their own worthiness.

 

Are my current beliefs about this. And my part is that I don't do enough to assure them of my continued, unfailing love and support EVEN IF and EVEN WHEN they do hurt me. I fall short in my ability to give them what they need, about that.

 

God, life and relationships are complicated, aren't they? (Or am I just making it complicated? How can I know? :confused: )