Arabella Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 So after that brief email exchange between my ex and I, where I forgave him for everything he put me through, and he said he still loved me and regretted it all... I had decided not to contact him, and everyone here agreed. Well, against my better judgment... I did it anyway. We talked on the phone briefly. He seemed so different... like he was himself again. He couldn't talk at the time because he was out, but he called me the next day and left me a very nice voice mail. Monday we texted back and forth for a bit. He told me again that he still cares about me. At one point he told me his inbox was full because he saved over 200 of my text messages from when we were still together. He also told me he still wears a bracelet I made him back in the summer because it reminds him of better times. He repeated several times that we would talk soon and figure things out. I haven't heard from him since. I sent him a couple texts over the weekend - nothing. I know I shouldn't be surprised because his classes just started and I know he has trouble coping with pressure, but still. I guess I just don't understand why would he say those things, and suggest that he wanted to work things out and then behave like this. He was never consistent about contact, but I guess when I saw him being himself again - like he was when we fell in love - I thought something might have changed. I'm frustrated as well because I believe him. I know that he cares about me, and obviously I still care about him. Yet, here we are. Doesn't seem to make much sense... nothing about him ever did :/ Arabella
nobmagnet Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 if you are not the first thing he thinks about the minute he wakes or just before bed.............................dont waist you emotions on him IMO. If he was that into you he wouldnt be doing hot and cold. Just my oppinion love. Exactlyhow many seconds does it take to text????? Nobby xx
GrayClouds Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I guess I just don't understand why would he say those things, and suggest that he wanted to work things out and then behave like this. He was never consistent about contact, but I guess when I saw him being himself again - like he was when we fell in love - I thought something might have changed. I'm frustrated as well because I believe him. I know that he cares about me, and obviously I still care about him. Yet, here we are. Doesn't seem to make much sense... nothing about him ever did :/ Actually it does make sense. The behaviors that makes you feel good and loved you see as him being him but the behaviors that makes you feel bad and hurt is him acting strange. He always was being himself but you only saw/see what you want to. Understand that he is the whole picture, he will not change because this is who is is. Be mindful of this and it maybe easier to let go. Good luck.
CaliGuy Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 This is why I tell dumpees NOT TO INITIATE CONTACT. When you, as the dumpee initiate contact you are CAGING your ex into a relationship. And when you cage someone in, their first reaction will be to RUN THE OTHER WAY. Chasing someone who doesn't want to be caught serves the opposite of what you are trying to accomplish. Their heart has to change on it's own and you simply need do nothing but live a happy life. Yes, they probably miss some things about you but if they really wanted to be IN a relationship with you, they would be. This is why you are confused about his behavior. You are the one who initiated the contact so his heart isn't into it. When he is reminded (either by you or his own memories) as to why you are broken up in the first place, he'll retreat -- just as he has done here. This all ties in with your post in the fact that if HE really wanted to be with you, HE would be the one initiating contact, apologizing and working really hard to win your love and trust back.
Author Arabella Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 but the behaviors that makes you feel bad and hurt is him acting strange. He always was being himself but you only saw/see what you want to. I understand what you're saying but the reason why I say that he was being himself again is that he has stopped abusing drugs and alcohol. He became a whole another person when he started doing drugs. Their heart has to change on it's own and you simply need do nothing but live a happy life. ... When he is reminded (either by you or his own memories) as to why you are broken up in the first place, he'll retreat -- just as he has done here. Yeah, we're broken up because he became a self-destructive, abusive ass who pushed everyone away. He has acknowledged and apologized for this. I hardly think I was "caging" him into anything. He knew I had begun dating someone new (but it's not very serious yet) and such. He was the one who brought up still having feelings for me in his email and all the other things he said. The behavior is strange because he expressed all those things and then went cold on me all of a sudden. He is bipolar and sometimes used to do this when he couldn't cope with all the things adding pressure on his life. He would cut off contact for a while until things got better. But it really doesn't matter because this has reminded me of something that is kind of a deal-breaker for me. I could never stand him cutting communication for days at a time without notice. I don't ever want to deal with that worry and heartache again :/ Thanks for the responses nonetheless, guys. Arabella
GrayClouds Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 I understand what you're saying but the reason why I say that he was being himself again is that he has stopped abusing drugs and alcohol. He became a whole another person when he started doing drugs. I understand better now. It is really hard to see someone make the changes need for relationship only after it ended. Not knowing the extent of his drug and alcohol abuse, if it was pretty bad it is important to know that recovery is a very long process. While getting off the stuff is a major first step, the work of understanding the reasons that one is drawn to that behavior takes time and learn new skills to keep from returning to it takes even more effrot and time. So while you see him retruning to himself, it is likely he still has a great deal of work ahead of him that is his alone to do. Quite possible it required the loss of the relationship for him to be able to do this effort. I do wish you well, and be kind to yourself
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