Should I forget this guy?

[Alexanda]

Thanks in advance for reading this since its long. Im sorry its so long.

 

So I met this guy named Jake(not his real name) at my job (Im a waitress) a few months ago he is a regular at the restaurant. I kind of indirectly met him, he was friends with this guy I was talking to before this guy had to move back to Boston. So this guy that went back to Boston is out of the picture. A month or two ago one night Jake hinted that he wanted my phone number and that he was available and I said okay and I gave him my number before he left. I already knew somethings about Jake. He has two kids that dont live with him right now they live with their mother in another state. He has a degree, he has a great job, he is close with his family, adores his kids, and he has been hurt deeply by his ex. He wanted to marry her, he loved her and cared about her, but she in turn didn't want to marry him. She fell out of love with him and wants nothing to do with him.

 

They broke up about a year ago and I know he isnt over it yet. I really like this guy though we have hung out and we agree that we enjoy each others company and we agree that we are attracted to each other. I think he is a great guy, he so ambitious, intelligent, funny, out going, he can cook, and he has a good heart. BUT I told him I like him as more than a friend and I want to be in a relationship with him, but he isnt ready for that. He says he likes me as a person and he isnt ready for a serious relationship. I told him when we were discussing past relationships one day that Im ready for a serious relationship. I totally understand that he isnt ready for a serious relationshp because he does admit that he is still hurting. He says Im a very very close friend.

 

How do I get him to slowly take down the walls that he has put up? I want to tell him that life is too short for him to keep walls up and that he needs to open his heart up again that not every woman wants to hurt him. That there are women out there who want to be there for him and share their lives with him. That he deserves to be happy and shouldnt have to be alone. I know he is hurting and that it will take him time to get over his ex.

 

Usually he and I just cuddle and kiss, but last week we had sex, we both hadnt had it in a long time and we are really physically attracted to each other so thats why we did it. I knew it was a stupid thing to do, because I know that women should be in a monogamous relationship before they decide to have sex. I screwed that up. I know for men sex is different so I guess he just viewed what we did as taking care of a need. Before we had sex I didnt want to have sex again until I got married one day. I violated that and now I feel horrible that I had sex with him and I dont want to make sex with him a habit. So I was thinking about ending this thing we have going on. Ending it because I dont know if he can get over the hurt his ex caused him so he will want to be in a relationship again. And ending it because I dont want to become a FWB. I havent told him this yet though.

 

I dont want Jake out of my life, I dont know what to do. Like from the bottom of heart I truly like Jake a lot and I want to tell him how I feel and tell him about ending things with him because I think its best even when I dont want to.

 

Thanks again for reading this loooong post.

[counterman]

First of all, it is very difficult for a person to learn to trust again after being hurt so badly from previous relationships. I am sure if he wanted to marry his ex and really loved her, he will definitely not have healed yet. If so, he is right not to start a relationship. I don't think you can really do anything to bring his defenses down. He has to completely heal first and then learn to trust you.

 

I think you should talk to him about this and tell him that you can't be his friend who he can cuddle, kiss and have sex with. You don't want to be friends with benefits; you want a real relationship. Be frank and serious about him with this. Don't let your feelings for him get in the way of what you believe in. If you want a relationship, that's what you want - not just sex. He has to know that. Maybe tell him that you should not be friends for now until he ready, and, when he is ready, tell him he should come to you. If you are still interested, then proceed with it.

 

If you do start a relationship with him when he is still getting over his ex, issues could arise and there would be deeper problems. It is just unhealthy for the both of you and the relationship.

[Peter Attis]

Honey, you need to dump that zero and get you a hero!

[D-Lish]

How do I get him to slowly take down the walls that he has put up?

 

A good start would be to STOP saying the following:

 

BUT I told him I like him more than a friend and i want to be in a serious relationship with him

[boogieboy]

Dont waste your time with this guy. it will take him months to get over his ex.

 

if you had the ability to make him completely forget about his ex, he would have by now, and you would have been happily in love already.

 

Since you didnt take his breath away at first glance (love at first sight), you will only be a rebound for him. Once he wakes up and heals with you, he would dump you. Dont go down that road, let him heal on his own. Theres nothing you can do.

[SoulSearch_CO]

HONESTLY? If he were really that into you for more than just sex, he would be able to move on from his ex. That's just my opinion from MY personal experience with being burned and (separately) from watching what's going on with the guy I'm dating and his ex.

[Alexanda]

Thanks everybody! I talked to him last night and he said If he was ready for a relationship that I would be the one he wants to be with. We decided to still be friends and he says he cares for me, feels like he needs to protect me sometimes, and he will always be around for me whenever I need him. Hes a great guy and it just sucks he isn't ready for a relationship. Oh well, moving on...