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Trouble meeting girls after college/How can a guy demonstrate his qualities?


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Posted

I've been out of college for half a year now. I got a degree in biotech, moved back home, and I'm working as a research assistant at a pharma. company and working/saving for grad school, so I consider myself pretty successful for my age. Still, meeting girls has been so much harder since I finished college.

 

Back then, I used to really on my social network (my friends, their friends, meeting up at parties and events and so on) to meet girls, but now their all gone.

 

I'm educated, articulate, I dress well, I'm handsome enough to be asked quite frequently if I've modeled, I've traveled around the world (Asia and Latin America) I play in a band.

 

But despite all that, I can't seem to meet a girl.

 

And it's so frustrating because I go out to bars and clubs by myself sometimes and I see these guys who look like total slobs, who're no where near as intelligent or accomplished as me, and yet they just stumble up to some girls who look like super models and get them to dance all over them.

 

And yet, on the few occasions I've been able to approach a girl at one of these venues by myself, I just get either bored or creeped-out responses from these girls.

 

I guess you need to have a hyper or flashy demeanor to score girls in clubs, and that's hard for me to accomplish.

 

But I know that I have a lot of a attractive qualities about me that I just don't know how to express them. How can I tell all these things to a girl without making it seem like I'm bragging or showing off or full of myself?

Posted

clubs and bars are one of the worst places to meet chicks

Posted

I agree with alpha. The types of chicks there are probably what you're suppose to be looking for.

 

Others have also expressed concerned about meeting girls after they have graduated and started working.

Posted

Well, bars and clubs are certainly not the place to "demonstrate your qualities." I mean, think about it...how likely are you to discuss education, career, and world travels with a woman while bumping & grinding with her?

 

Other than trying different venus, my advice would be to not sweat it in the meantime. I'm assuming based on your education that you're in your early to mid twenties. It sounds like you have the start of a great career, so just continue your education and continue to focus on yourself. You're going to continue to appear more and more attractive to women as the years go by. I personally feel most men peak attractiveness-wise in their late-20's to early-30's. Assuming your education and career progress you'll be a serious catch...even more than you are now...and the girls who are blowing you off now will be realizing they should have chosen you over some idiot at the club! ;)

Posted
But I know that I have a lot of a attractive qualities about me that I just don't know how to express them. How can I tell all these things to a girl without making it seem like I'm bragging or showing off or full of myself?

 

 

Brag and show off girls like that. it's called self-confidence

  • Author
Posted
Well, bars and clubs are certainly not the place to "demonstrate your qualities." I mean, think about it...how likely are you to discuss education, career, and world travels with a woman while bumping & grinding with her?

 

The thing is, I can't even get them to bump and grind with me.

 

I can barely get past basic introductions without hitting up against her "defensive wall" so to speak.

 

How do I, I dunno, "disarm" a girl like that? :confused:

  • Author
Posted

Other than trying different venus, my advice would be to not sweat it in the meantime. I'm assuming based on your education that you're in your early to mid twenties. It sounds like you have the start of a great career, so just continue your education and continue to focus on yourself. You're going to continue to appear more and more attractive to women as the years go by. I personally feel most men peak attractiveness-wise in their late-20's to early-30's. Assuming your education and career progress you'll be a serious catch...even more than you are now...and the girls who are blowing you off now will be realizing they should have chosen you over some idiot at the club! ;)

 

I'm sorry, but I don't want to have to wait years before I'm dating again. And be besides, "the girls who are blowing me off now who will be realizing they should have chosen me over some idiot at the club" will be old and, I dunno, "used up" by those idiots by the time that happens.

 

Will 18-22 year old girls even want to date a guy in the late 20s and early 30s?

Posted
I'm sorry' date=' but I don't want to have to wait years before I'm dating again. ?[/quote']

 

Alright let's simmer down now, I didn't say you have to wait...I wasn't even suggesting that you wait, just saying don't get frustrated if you can't meet girls right away. That's all I was saying.

 

And be besides, "the girls who are blowing me off now who will be realizing they should have chosen me over some idiot at the club" will be old and, I dunno, "used up" by those idiots by the time that happens.

 

Well, they won't really be old, they'll be the same age as, or younger than you, given your target age range. But that wasn't even my point. I wasn't saying wait until you're older and then go after the same women who rejected you. I was saying take it easy on yourself, take dating as it comes, and don't take things too seriously right now if it doesn't pan out perfectly. If you continue on a path of education and self improvement, and take care of yourself, you'll easily have your pick of women 21+ even well into your late 20's and early 30's. And the women who rejected you and hooked up with idiots will be chronically single and wondering why they can't find a decent man.

 

Will 18-22 year old girls even want to date a guy in the late 20s and early 30s

 

Well, I'm 22, and my boyfriend, who I have been with for two years and hope to settle down with in the not so distant future, is 33. So...yes?

Posted

IMHO you show your qualities in bars/clubs with your confidence, nice outfits and by your ability to pay.

If you are intelligent and professional, you are expected to be confident,

able to buy nice outfits for yourself and able to pay. If girls see you confident and able to pay, they assume that you are intelligent/professional.

As for telling girls that you are intelligent/professional in bars, it sounds good only if they ask you about that.

  • Author
Posted
Alright let's simmer down now, I didn't say you have to wait...I wasn't even suggesting that you wait, just saying don't get frustrated if you can't meet girls right away. That's all I was saying.

 

 

 

Well, they won't really be old, they'll be the same age as, or younger than you, given your target age range. But that wasn't even my point. I wasn't saying wait until you're older and then go after the same women who rejected you. I was saying take it easy on yourself, take dating as it comes, and don't take things too seriously right now if it doesn't pan out perfectly. If you continue on a path of education and self improvement, and take care of yourself, you'll easily have your pick of women 21+ even well into your late 20's and early 30's. And the women who rejected you and hooked up with idiots will be chronically single and wondering why they can't find a decent man.

 

I want to meet girls now though.

 

I still have my original question.

 

How can I meet one of these girls, get her "guard down" and express all my qualities without seeming like I'm bragging or full of myself?

 

It's not like I can walk into a club in my germ+chemical-stained lab coat and guitar case.

Posted (edited)
And it's so frustrating because I go out to bars and clubs by myself sometimes and I see these guys who look like total slobs, who're no where near as intelligent or accomplished as me, and yet they just stumble up to some girls who look like super models and get them to dance all over them.

 

And yet, on the few occasions I've been able to approach a girl at one of these venues by myself, I just get either bored or creeped-out responses from these girls.

 

Who hangs out in bars? Smart accomplished people with good jobs? Or partiers, alcoholics and drug addicts? Bars are like a tax on intelligence in a way. As another poster said, it's hard to stand out by using your brains in a bar. Your accomplishments don't flow from a tap for all to enjoy. Bars are good for intelligent, accomplished people to drink or watch music at, not pick up women.

 

I suffered the same at your age, would often go to a bar after a long work day in a suit, and at that age, you are basically identifying yourself as "the man" and that's regardless of ethnicity or race. 22 y.o. women, the type that are out 3-5 nights a week, have just been fed four years of undiluted socialism from grouchy old Marxists, and can see countless media images of the "evil" corporations just by turning the tv dial. They all want jobs in "green event planning" or some other tripe. Is it any wonder women that age devalue guys who are working? Their baby drive hasn't even kicked in yet, they are still in Girls Gone Wild mode. So make like a drunken frat boy who can ape socialist dogma, buy a fat sack of cocaine, or figure something else out.

 

Good news is that only describes the 80%, the fat of the bell curve, the unworthy. Where are the 20% outliers? In home, in bed, because they are working corporate stiffs just like you are. So you can continue headbutting yourself on the slob/supermodel paradox at the club, or do what any educated person can do and make a plan to find the ones who are more like you and share your values.

 

Where are they? Lots are in church. Can't do the hypocrisy? Don't blame you I couldn't either. Where else are they? They are in dog parks. They are volunteering to do clean community pickup days. They are up early and jogging on weekends. They are hanging out in museums and trying to bust into the local social scene. Unlike you, they can get laid at the drop of a hat, so they don't seek it as assertively out in the bars.

 

There is a problem with these though. They don't want to date you, but your 33 y.o. boss. They will placehold with you, but until you are the boss, you are on their same level, which to career women is usually unacceptable. They are seeking a notch or two above their level. Ambitious women seek to marry up, always have, always will.

 

So where does that leave us? Sounds like you are screwed from both directions. Well of course you don't want to wait til 30 to date again, so we have to figure something out.

 

SEX. Get the career girls in bed as fast as possible. The only way they will get their minds off your boss is if you are giving them so many orgasms they fall for you. OK, in reality, that's BS, they will still want your boss, and will take off with him in a flash if the opportunity presents. HOWEVER, they will hang out and have sex with you until they think your boss is going to leave his wife (they have been screwing him all along, even while dating you, it's their prerogative, dont ya know?)

 

But who cares, you get to have a GF throughout your 20s, even if she is fantasizing about your boss while you do her, all is well! This should bridge the gap nicely until YOU ARE the 33 y.o. boss, and since you have very wisely remained single, you will have your choice of cuckolding all your underlings hot career girl GFs away, or buying a REALLY BIG sack of cocaine to take to the bar, because we all know that in the bars and clubs, the man with the biggest sack never goes home empty handed, and by "sack" I'm not talking about testes.

 

Hope you take this in the humorous vein in which it is intended. :laugh:

Edited by meerkat stew
Posted

What are the qualities you have?

 

To get her attention, you should pay her attention and talk about her qualities, but not about your qualities. Focus on a girl. Ask questions about her qualities. Tell her compliments because she is deprived of them. Every male thinks that if she looks like model, she gets too many compliments. Therefore, they do not say any compliment to her. As result of it, those models get much less compliments than any average girl and they are so insecure about their looks. Do NLP with her.

 

The more you focus on yourself and your qualities, the more insecure you present yourself.

Posted
I want to meet girls now though.

 

I still have my original question.

 

How can I meet one of these girls, get her "guard down" and express all my qualities without seeming like I'm bragging or full of myself?

 

It's not like I can walk into a club in my germ+chemical-stained lab coat and guitar case.

 

You can't. A club setting will really never allow you to openly talk about your career, education, and experiences without sounding like you're full of yourself, because it isn't situation appropriate.

 

So you have a couple of options.

 

A: Meeting women at clubs, because of the type of environment it is, has nothing to do with your job, education, or intelligence. Unfortunately, it has more to do with your clothes, your "look," and your ability to "schmooze" (i.e. being charming, outgoing, buying them drinks, dancing, etc.). Suffice to say that, for these reasons, you probably won't meet a long-term relationship partner at a club. A club is a carefree, fun, but ultimately superficial place and women there are going to be looking more at your appearance, charisma, and how many drinks you buy them than what you have your bachelor's in.

 

B: If you want to meet women on a deeper level, you simply have to go elsewhere. There's really no other way around it. Whether it's a volunteer group, a library, even online dating...all of those places are more conducive to conversation than a club. Therefore, it's a lot more likely that the "so what do you do?" type questions would come up.

 

No one says you can't do both. And of course there's the once in a blue moon where a hook up at a club turns into a long term relationship (or conversely, an intellectual conversation in a library resulting in nothing more than a steamy hook up session, haha!).

Posted
Who hangs out in bars? Smart accomplished people with good jobs? Or partiers, alcoholics and drug addicts? Bars are like a tax on intelligence in a way. As another poster said, it's hard to stand out by using your brains in a bar. Your accomplishments don't flow from a tap for all to enjoy. Bars are good for intelligent, accomplished people to drink or watch music at, not pick up women.

 

I suffered the same at your age, would often go to a bar after a long work day in a suit, and at that age, you are basically identifying yourself as "the man" and that's regardless of ethnicity or race. 22 y.o. women, the type that are out 3-5 nights a week, have just been fed four years of undiluted socialism from grouchy old Marxists, and can see countless media images of the "evil" corporations just by turning the tv dial. They all want jobs in "green event planning" or some other tripe. Is it any wonder women that age devalue guys who are working? Their baby drive hasn't even kicked in yet, they are still in Girls Gone Wild mode. So make like a drunken frat boy who can ape socialist dogma, buy a fat sack of cocaine, or figure something else out.

 

Good news is that only describes the 80%, the fat of the bell curve, the unworthy. Where are the 20% outliers? In home, in bed, because they are working corporate stiffs just like you are. So you can continue headbutting yourself on the slob/supermodel paradox at the club, or do what any educated person can do and make a plan to find the ones who are more like you and share your values.

 

Where are they? Lots are in church. Can't do the hypocrisy? Don't blame you I couldn't either. Where else are they? They are in dog parks. They are volunteering to do clean community pickup days. They are up early and jogging on weekends. They are hanging out in museums and trying to bust into the local social scene. Unlike you, they can get laid at the drop of a hat, so they don't seek it as assertively out in the bars.

 

There is a problem with these though. They don't want to date you, but your 33 y.o. boss. They will placehold with you, but until you are the boss, you are on their same level, which to career women is usually unacceptable. They are seeking a notch or two above their level. Ambitious women seek to marry up, always have, always will.

 

So where does that leave us? Sounds like you are screwed from both directions. Well of course you don't want to wait til 30 to date again, so we have to figure something out.

 

SEX. Get the career girls in bed as fast as possible. The only way they will get their minds off your boss is if you are giving them so many orgasms they fall for you. OK, in reality, that's BS, they will still want your boss, and will take off with him in a flash if the opportunity presents. HOWEVER, they will hang out and have sex with you until they think your boss is going to leave his wife (they have been screwing him all along, even while dating you, it's their prerogative, dont ya know?)

 

But who cares, you get to have a GF throughout your 20s, even if she is fantasizing about your boss while you do her, all is well! This should bridge the gap nicely until YOU ARE the 33 y.o. boss, and since you have very wisely remained single, you will have your choice of cuckolding all your underlings hot career girl GFs away, or buying a REALLY BIG sack of cocaine to take to the bar, because we all know that in the bars and clubs, the man with the biggest sack never goes home empty handed, and by "sack" I'm not talking about testes.

 

Hope you take this in the humorous vein in which it is intended. :laugh:

 

Haha, this is funny, and unfortunately it's true! A more cynical and comical take on what I was trying to say. Young yet mature minded women (such as, ahem, yours truly ;p) are not the type you're going to run into in a club or bar setting very regularly.

Posted
Haha, this is funny, and unfortunately it's true! A more cynical and comical take on what I was trying to say. Young yet mature minded women (such as, ahem, yours truly ;p) are not the type you're going to run into in a club or bar setting very regularly.

 

What do you spend your days doing, if I may ask?

  • Author
Posted
What are the qualities you have?

 

To get her attention, you should pay her attention and talk about her qualities, but not about your qualities. Focus on a girl. Ask questions about her qualities. Tell her compliments because she is deprived of them. Every male thinks that if she looks like model, she gets too many compliments. Therefore, they do not say any compliment to her. As result of it, those models get much less compliments than any average girl and they are so insecure about their looks. Do NLP with her.

 

The more you focus on yourself and your qualities, the more insecure you present yourself.

 

Well like I said, biotech degree, working towards grad school. I make a good amount of money while it seems like a lot of guys my age are unemployed or at best, working part time jobs.

 

I'm in shape (29 waist while so many people are overweight in this country)

 

I dress and groom well (crop haircut, pants that actually fit, designer shirts) and actually look respectable when I go out while so many guys either try to dress like "gangstas" (enormous floppy pants, baggy polos, bejeweled hats) or worse, go for the "guido" look (diamond encrusted Ed Harvey T-shirts, spiky hair and ridiculous tans)

 

I've been around the world while I've met a lot of people who've never even been to Canada.

 

I'm educated and informed. I frequently read The New York Times, The Atlantic, The Economist, about 1 non-fiction book a month. I can talk about current events and the world, while it seems like a lot of people my age can only take about who was on Flava Flave last night, or what the Kardasians are up to.

 

I play in a band (granted, just rythm guitar, which is a support-position) but I'm artisitic and musically talented.

 

I'm generous too. I just donated 1 of my old guitars and a keyboard for a charity auction.

 

I mean, what more can I possibly do to appeal to girls my age? What do they want?

Posted
What do you spend your days doing, if I may ask?

 

I'm not sure what you mean...I work full time, so weekdays are spent at work. I volunteer two nights a week at an animal rescue (have done it since I was 15). I go out maybe once a week with friends, but it's usually a rather low-key destination. Any other down time I spend with my significant other if at all possible because he's awesome. :)

Posted
I mean' date=' what more can I possibly do to appeal to girls my age? What do they want?[/quote']

 

Have you tried asking a bunch of them out? I use a "bucket" during dating periods. Five prospects in the bucket at all times. Ask five out, 2-3 will say yes. One will flake, date the other two while filling the bucket back up with unmet prospects. One of those two you are dating may be GF material, if not, ditch them and work the bucket again until you get the good one. Only takes one, but you do have to cull through lots of 80%er dregs.

 

The more experience you get with this, the faster and easier it goes. My last "bucket sequence" lasted less than a month before finding the next (now ex :laugh:) GF. I do one Spring bucket and one Fall unless a candidate from Spring is still around. Have been relatively happy and successful in dating since adopting this simple plan.

 

If you are expecting them to come flocking to your hyper-qualified self, get over that. Get proactive and things have a way of working out, snowballing even.

  • Author
Posted
Have you tried asking a bunch of them out? I use a "bucket" during dating periods. Five prospects in the bucket at all times. Ask five out, 2-3 will say yes. One will flake, date the other two while filling the bucket back up with unmet prospects. One of those two you are dating may be GF material, if not, ditch them and work the bucket again until you get the good one. Only takes one, but you do have to cull through lots of 80%er dregs.

 

I've tried to talk to a few of these girls at the club or at the bar. The problem is, girls rarely ever go out by themselves. They always go in a group. Even if you see one girl who's by herself, her friends are probably nearby.

 

It's so hard to come up with small talk on the spot, and many girls I've tried to talked to just seem to have this bored or creeped-out demeanor about them, so I backed off. Some girls just gave me the cold treatment entirely, which stings to be honest.

 

I know you're not supposed to care what strangers think about you, but when you see a girl you think is cute, spend 5 minutes trying to work up the courage to talk to her, go up and say "hi" and all she does is role her eyes and walks away, it makes you feel ashamed and embarrassed. It makes you think "wow, what's wrong with me," and makes you really hesitant about trying again.

  • Author
Posted
You can't. A club setting will really never allow you to openly talk about your career, education, and experiences without sounding like you're full of yourself, because it isn't situation appropriate.

 

So you have a couple of options.

 

A: Meeting women at clubs, because of the type of environment it is, has nothing to do with your job, education, or intelligence. Unfortunately, it has more to do with your clothes, your "look," and your ability to "schmooze" (i.e. being charming, outgoing, buying them drinks, dancing, etc.). Suffice to say that, for these reasons, you probably won't meet a long-term relationship partner at a club. A club is a carefree, fun, but ultimately superficial place and women there are going to be looking more at your appearance, charisma, and how many drinks you buy them than what you have your bachelor's in.

 

How can I learn to sharpen my charm and charisma more? I spent so much time hanging around the same group of people my last 2 to 3 years college that I've forgotten what it takes to meet new people, especially girls.

 

It's so hard to make charming small talk. I get self conscious and have to fight the urge to freeze-up when talking to new girls.

Posted
How can I learn to sharpen my charm and charisma more? I spent so much time hanging around the same group of people my last 2 to 3 years college that I've forgotten what it takes to meet new people, especially girls.

 

It's so hard to make charming small talk. I get self conscious and have to fight the urge to freeze-up when talking to new girls.

 

Well I'm not exactly one to be giving sage advice on how to charm women at clubs...I very rarely go to them, and when I do, it certainly isn't to meet men, usually just to dance with my friends and have fun.

 

When I do go, and I get approached by men, I usually turn them down politely, not because I'm a bitch or because I'm stuck up, simply because (a) I'm not single, and (b) they are typically cocky, wearing some douchey outfit, and wearing too much cologne.

 

So, at least you got a few "don't"s out of that...

 

Charming women in a club is a game. You just have to know how to play. Like meerkat said, the unfortunate reality is that knowing how to play mainly involves being a fratboy-douchebag type. Observe and learn, I guess...

Posted
I've tried to talk to a few of these girls at the club or at the bar. The problem is' date=' girls rarely ever go out by themselves. They always go in a group. Even if you see one girl who's by herself, her friends are probably nearby.[/quote']

 

Groups are good, you can meet several at once, "Hey I'm new back in town and looking to meet people." Make friends, leads to familiarity, then dates. Small talk needs to be mostly silly, flirty and teasy, not traditional "it's cold/it's hot" boring talk. No talk about school/work etc. These days, I try to go to music venues so all I have to do is ask them to dance at first. Once you dance with them, thank them and walk off. Drives em crazy, some will even come after you and grab your phone to put their number in. Do the opposite of what they are used to and expect.

 

and many girls I've tried to talked to just seem to have this bored or creeped-out demeanor about them, so I backed off. Some girls just gave me the cold treatment entirely, which stings to be honest.

 

Yeah, as alluded to previously, most of them are drunk or high. If you get too much of this in one place, it could be the venue. Some places are notorious for attracting jaded hipsters or nasty women. Keep sober when out looking so you can go to 3-4 places quickly without spending much time or money. But do try the other places besides bars.

 

I know you're not supposed to care what strangers think about you, but when you see a girl you think is cute, spend 5 minutes trying to work up the courage to talk to her, go up and say "hi" and all she does is role her eyes and walks away, it makes you feel ashamed and embarrassed. It makes you think "wow, what's wrong with me," and makes you really hesitant about trying again.

 

You are right on the cusp. Do it so many times, make a game out of it. Once they know you don't give a damn what they think, you are in.

  • Author
Posted

 

You are right on the cusp. Do it so many times, make a game out of it. Once they know you don't give a damn what they think, you are in.

 

I said I DO care what they think. I said I feel ashamed and embarrassed when I get blown off.

Posted

...Oh...if you're having trouble talking to women in locations besides bars/clubs, like the ones I suggested, my main advice would be to be spontaneous.

 

For example, I was at my library just last week because I read like there's no tomorrow. I was skimming the back of a book and a guy who was browsing the same shelf looked at me and the book I was holding and said "I loved that book! Have you read anything else by _______?" Now who knows if he had even read or heard of the book, but it was cute that he made the effort, and I stood and chatted with him for a bit and probably would have talked to him longer if I were single.

 

The other end of this is that you will get turned down, and it will likely have nothing to do with you. Maybe the girl isn't single (such as in my situation). Maybe she's in a rush and doesn't have time to talk. Maybe she's having a bad day. Maybe she's a lesbian. Maybe she's just a bitch! You can't be discouraged. Just keep trying (not on the same woman obviously...if she shuts you down, move on).

  • Author
Posted

 

Charming women in a club is a game. You just have to know how to play. Like meerkat said, the unfortunate reality is that knowing how to play mainly involves being a fratboy-douchebag type. Observe and learn, I guess...

 

Really? REALLY?! I have to risk my career and 10-20 years in jail to buy an 8-ball for the CHANCE at a date? :(

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