Girlfriend of 4 years cheated...

[nrg890110]

I was in love and in a relationship with my girl for 4 years. We've meet in high school and we just loved each other's presence. After that she went to a dental uni in Malaysia while I went of to Australia to do my undergrad engineering course.

 

We were in a 3 years long distance relationship after going different unis. We've both talked about it and decided we could make it. We loved each other very much. I loved her very much.

 

I've sacrificed so many times for her guys. When I have problems or arguments with her, I preferably talk to my guy friends about it, and if I have to talk to the girls... I would talk in a group to prevent any 'intimacy' moments. I did a lot things to prevent her from being jealous or suspicious due to the fact that I don't want to cause anymore tension to our relationship because it's a LDR.

 

All I needed and believed was trust, love and faithfulness. She's the type of girl who makes more guy friends than girls probably due to personality.. I don't know. Anyway. I'm the type that would not restrict her to hang out with guys or go clubbing because I want to show her that I fully trust her and I have faith in her 100%.

 

But I guess everything backfired.

 

We've broke up a few times because she was a bit too close with the guys. I've told her how I feel and I wished she wouldn't do that because I know I won't, because I am considerate. She promised me she wouldn't... but after a few months it came back.

 

Anyways, here's the biggy. We broke up last Oct due to similar issues. Around December when we came back to our hometown for Christmas we started talking and wanted to patch things up. 2 days after, she told me she slept with a guy and lost her virginity to him. Double ****. But virginity isn't my biggest issue... cheating is.

 

The guy is her senior and is 3 years older (we're both the same age... 20). She met him in uni around May last year and they were good friends.. that's what she told me. She told him that she was with me and when little problems came up she would tell him, so he was being the 'ear'. But just after 2 freaking months of meeting the guy, they went intimate. She told me, she said no but somehow with his 'magic' it went further. He knew we were still together. Man, to me this guy is a pathetic opportunistic trash.

 

They started doing those stuff around July until December last year before coming back. She told me (I asked her, which I regretted... ) that they sometimes have unprotected sex which sickens me. What if I get std, and what if she gets pregnant? This guy is very irresponsible and selfish. Why is she still protecting him? Do you want to know her answer? She said he was there to listen to her... WTH? Anyone could. Basically this guy just wanted sex. But she asked him and of course he said no. So she believed him.... Come on guys.. I need some support here.

 

Cheating and having sex for 6 months behind my back while she could still sms me and fb me saying she misses me and loves me. God this really kills me. I've played my part guys, I told her she is beautiful to me and I reassured her of my love the best way I know and possibly can. It's just shocking she could write all those lovie dovie things and me replying her and reassuring her while she could make out with that guy. I don't know how many times they did it, and I don't wanna know.

 

I don't know what made her tell me, it may be guilt... I don't know but she wanted to work things out. She told me she was sorry and she felt really dirty and she said when she took her showers she would just want to wash away her dirtiness. But here's the problem, she still wants to have him as a friend.. nothing more she said. She defended him saying, he did a silly mistake and that he wasn't all that evil when they hung out!

 

Can't you guys see the problem I'm in? If she wants to make things work out, she should do her part too. She told me she still has feelings for him but she loves me. I don't know guys... I'm really feeling the pain. I've been so faithful to her all these years. I've thought, if I was faithful, she would do the same. If I gave the same amount, I would receive the same amount back.... but life isn't that straight forward.

 

I just need some suggestions guys, cause I still love her, but she wants to be 'friends' with the guy and she still have feelings for him but at the same time she claims that she loves me.

Edited February 1, 2010 by nrg890110

[insecureeeyep]

If she could deceive you for 6 months- lose her virginity, which in my book is a pretty big deal, to another guy, and still be sending you lovey messages- for 6 MONTHS, she could do it again. Not only did she do all of that, she still has feelings for him and wants to be friends with him still. I think you need to end this relationship before you hurt anymore and be on your own until you heal. I don't know about you, but I could never get over that amount of deception no matter how "sorry" they were. You sound like a great guy and a caring boyfriend, and you deserve better. I know how hard it is to leave a 4 year relationship- trust me, but after a few weeks, a few months- you'll be feeling loads better. Good luck!

[Citizen Erased]

She's refusing to stop seeing him, come on she will do this again.

 

If she loved you, she never would have been able to be anything to him but a friend. And once she realised he wanted more she should have stopped being around him, incredibly disrespectful. Clearly she is enjoying the attention she's not getting from you due to the distance. Not that I'm convinced if you were with her she wouldn't have done the same thing.

 

What I'm saying is, dump her. You will drive yourself insane as obviously you can't trust her and you need that more than ever when you're apart.

[skydiveaddict]

This girl is bad news dude. I'd let her go. I guarantee she'll end up breaking your heart

[Green]

long distance relationships don't work out. You don't have to be mad at her but please break up. Get in a relationship with a girl in your zip code and forget this girl

[nrg890110]

I feel like ****. I've never thought things like this would come so close... till the point that I would experience it first hand on my relationship. This pain is nothing I've experienced and I would gladly take a gunshot rather than experience this on-going pain. She was my 1st gf and I was her 1st bf. I just don't understand why people would do such a thing. Why can't they see that, other people would suffer from their actions especially in a relationship.

 

I don't know if I can get into a serious relationship anytime soon. This just really opened my eyes on things and now... the cheating ratio for me between guys and girls are like 1:1.

 

The reason she still wants to be friends is that she wants to help him. The guy had a break up a year ago. He went into smoking, alcohol and drugs. But when he met my ex, she helped him out as a friend. But the problem, she loves to please people and she doesn't know where the boundary is and how to learn to say NO.

[Crazy Magnet]

I see no reason to try to work things out with her at this time. Find yourself a nice girl at the uni you are currently at who respects you as a person and who respects your relationship.

[nrg890110]

I don't know if I can trust any girl now bro. Why didn't she break up with me if she wanted the guy?

 

I asked her the same question and she said she loves me and that's why she couldn't break up with me.

 

Around December she told me that she wrote an email to the guy saying she can't do it anymore and that she loves me. She regretted everything she did.

 

Take a look.

 

These were what she 'wrote' to the guy. This is what she told me but maybe modified.

M is me and A is the guy.

__________________________________________________________________

I've decided to tell my brother about us. I cheated on my ex with you and I'm not proud of it. You don't like hearing or reading bout this either but I have to tell you how I feel. Yes, I do like you but I don't love you. I love M that is why I chose him over you. But, rushing into it wasn't the way to solve things between him and I. I'm not gonna go back to you for emotional support because that would just lead us to having more sex. Hence what happened last time. I'm not gonna have sex with you ANYMORE, A. Even if we are going to be together in the future, I don't know, IF, I'm still not gonna do it with you. I've regretted doing it in the first place. As a friend, I hope you'll understand that. Sex is not the only way of showing someone your affection. I mean it's not wrong to do it before marriage. That's how I see it. I was bummed when I told you no, but you did it anyway. My friends told me you're not a good person because you did not respect my body. I got angry and upset the other day because of this. Because I suddenly realized this. That's why I got depressed. M and I just decided to not see each other anymore for it was too painful for him to see me. That broke me down just now. And I swear do not tell me he doesn't deserve my LOVE. He deserves every bit of it because I want to give it to him. I am the one who does not deserve his LOVE for I threw it away the minute I kissed you. I don't know if you are a bad company or whatever but I keep telling myself that a person deserves all the chances he should get. And I want to give you a chance to change and to show the people you've hurt that you are not that kind of person. When you're with me, you're NOT evil. Alright? I want to be your friend. A friend that cares about you and does not use you. I hope you have not been lying to me about EVERYTHING. So, for now. I need you to just be my FRIEND and nothing more, nothing less. I really need that because I am so weak right now. I am so depressed. I just lost someone I really love and want to marry. So please understand why I can't be with you.

[Green]

Ouch that letter was painful... and I only read like the first few lines. Look, for the love of god never speak to her again, and I mean never.

[meerkat stew]

Betcha that Email never even got sent, it was obviously written for your benefit only, not as an Email to this other guy.

 

It hurts badly now, and will hurt for awhile longer, but in the long run, can almost promise you that you will look back on this very thankfully that she showed her colors when you were young and not later after marriage, house, children. It doesn't feel like it now, but you are a lucky man in that respect. Go completely NC with this woman, her continuing desire (that she actually has the nerve to speak to you) to be involved with this man in any capacity shouts out clearly that she has no respect at all for you or your relationship. Best wishes in moving on.

[Green]

Betcha that Email never even got sent, it was obviously written for your benefit only, not as an Email to this other guy.

 

It hurts badly now, and will hurt for awhile longer, but in the long run, can almost promise you that you will look back on this very thankfully that she showed her colors when you were young and not later after marriage, house, children. It doesn't feel like it now, but you are a lucky man in that respect. Go completely NC with this woman, her continuing desire (that she actually has the nerve to speak to you) to be involved with this man in any capacity shouts out clearly that she has no respect at all for you or your relationship. Best wishes in moving on.

 

seriously who cares if she sent that letter too him. Who carees if every time she was kissing and sleeping with this guy she was wishing it was him instead. It hurts so much now but in time if you dump this girl you will be so glad. There are so many girls out there who would never do this

[nrg890110]

I just don't feel like sseing the day. I forced myself to eat things... just to throw it all up later. I only can go liquid. I lost like 4-5kg the last 5 weeks. I can hardly eat any solid. The thoughts are just there. I don't want to think about it. But it just comes.

 

Some days I feel so strong and other days I feel like dying. My emotions are going up and down. I'm still at my hometown and she just went back to her uni. She told me she wanted to speak the guy about all of this. To me, it's dangerous especially if they go on a 1 on 1 conversation since they both have feelings for each other.

 

It's hard to take it in, seeing someone you truly love betray you and then protecting, caring and having feelings for this other low level guy who from my view only wants sex.

 

Some people are just damn blind!

[Citizen Erased]

I just don't feel like sseing the day. I forced myself to eat things... just to throw it all up later. I only can go liquid. I lost like 4-5kg the last 5 weeks. I can hardly eat any solid. The thoughts are just there. I don't want to think about it. But it just comes.

 

Some days I feel so strong and other days I feel like dying. My emotions are going up and down. I'm still at my hometown and she just went back to her uni. She told me she wanted to speak the guy about all of this. To me, it's dangerous especially if they go on a 1 on 1 conversation since they both have feelings for each other.

 

It's hard to take it in, seeing someone you truly love betray you and then protecting, caring and having feelings for this other low level guy who from my view only wants sex.

 

Some people are just damn blind!

You're hurting right now and that's normal. As is the pain lessening eventually and you getting past this. You're way too young to be after someone like this, that can't be faithful to you. That doesn't respect you and can't give you what you need. You have way too many options ahead of you.

She is a waste of your time and energy.

[nrg890110]

Will most women do this? As in, if they feel insecure or I don't know experience any relationship problems.. won't they want to talk about it with the guy? Instead of resorting to cheating? Are all girls like that, secretly having fun with a 'replacement' while their bf/husband are some place else thinking about them almost every second? I mean, for goodness sake, break the relationship before doing anything she pleases. Be responsible.

 

Now seriously, my view on women and their values.. are at par with men. Sorry to say that but yeah... the cheating game is catching up.

[Green]

Will most women do this? As in, if they feel insecure or I don't know experience any relationship problems.. won't they want to talk about it with the guy? Instead of resorting to cheating? Are all girls like that, secretly having fun with a 'replacement' while their bf/husband are some place else thinking about them almost every second? I mean, for goodness sake, break the relationship before doing anything she pleases. Be responsible.

 

Now seriously, my view on women and their values.. are at par with men. Sorry to say that but yeah... the cheating game is catching up.

 

You don't have to put up with this. If a women has cheated on you then leave her. If this girl calls you, then don't answer the phone or read her msgs, completly ignore her forever. You will find a person who does not cheat.

[LostLamb]

Will most women do this?

 

No they won't as it's not a gender specific problem. Cheating douches will though and that is why you should leave now. Why commit to someone who could lie for months on end? You will be hurting like mad now and feeling like you are ill but in the long run it will be worth it as she doesn't deserve a second chance and hasn't learnt anything if she thinks it is ok to keep him as a friend.

I couldn't handle a LDR and would avoid one as I don't think they are healthy in the long run.

[nrg890110]

Yesterday, she said she doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore and she will not keep in touch with that guy? She says she still likes him but also loves me. This **** is killing.

[Woggle]

Will most women do this? As in, if they feel insecure or I don't know experience any relationship problems.. won't they want to talk about it with the guy? Instead of resorting to cheating? Are all girls like that, secretly having fun with a 'replacement' while their bf/husband are some place else thinking about them almost every second? I mean, for goodness sake, break the relationship before doing anything she pleases. Be responsible.

 

Now seriously, my view on women and their values.. are at par with men. Sorry to say that but yeah... the cheating game is catching up.

 

You have finally seen women's true colors. The truth is that yes most women will do this. You know now not to trust them.

[meerkat stew]

Will most women do this? As in, if they feel insecure or I don't know experience any relationship problems.. won't they want to talk about it with the guy? Instead of resorting to cheating? Are all girls like that, secretly having fun with a 'replacement' while their bf/husband are some place else thinking about them almost every second? I mean, for goodness sake, break the relationship before doing anything she pleases. Be responsible.

 

Now seriously, my view on women and their values.. are at par with men. Sorry to say that but yeah... the cheating game is catching up.

 

Half of all men and women cheat. Women cheat no less, nor for any nobler reasons than men do. Women are no more ethical than men, and in some ways, such as rationalizing comfortable fictions and refusing to accept accountability for their actions, women can be much less ethical where relationships are concerned due to this penchant for creating false realities so facilely. There are men who are capable of this also, but most men are too possessed of their rational faculties to sacrifice them completely to fiction in this way.

 

A woman who has recently cheated on you is the least trustworthy person you know. She has rationalized her cheating as somehow your responsibility and your fault, 100% of it, regardless of what comes out of her mouth in the form of apologies. In order to do that, she has had to rationalize you as a poor relationship partner who has not met what they like to call "needs" but are actually desires.

 

She may even go so far as to rationalize you as being abusive or disordered in some way. She will never admit this to your face, but it is what she truly has convinced herself into believing in order to spare her any accountability. Scratch the surface deep enough and you will see this underlying attitude, you have seen indicators of it already reflected in what you posted. She has nothing but scorn and contempt for you because you prevent her from doing what she wants without guilt.

 

Instead of admitting her disgust and resentment for you to your face, she will say anything to keep you for support while she blithely continues doing whatever she wants sexually with whomever. Any tears she sheds are for herself, not for you or the relationship.

 

The people who end up cheating tend to be one of two types, otherwise decent folks who give into temptation once then never again, and serial cheaters who do whatever whenever they please. Your GF's desire to maintain a relationship with this other guy after four years with you, and knowing the effect this is having on you lands her squarely in the serial cheater camp. She will not improve. She will never get better or respect you or your relationship any more than she does right now, which is 0.

 

The above is tough to hear, but you need to. Some of it is sexist, most applies to both genders equally, but I wholly stand by the truth of it based on mine and many of my friends decades of experience. Keep the above in mind when you are considering letting this woman back into your life. You are truly lucky to find this out now. A better relationship is just around the corner, put the pain away after a time and move towards that.

 

Make yourself physically active, if you have trouble eating, get protein powder and nutrition bars. Try to take it out of your mind a little each day. Most importantly, maintain strict no contact with her until you are eating and functioning normally again. For several months more, contact from her is likely to return you to square one. Don't let it by avoiding all contact. The good news is that after this, no woman will ever be able to put you in this position again. You have been innoculated. It will never again feel this bad.

[LostLamb]

Yesterday, she said she doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore and she will not keep in touch with that guy? She says she still likes him but also loves me. This **** is killing.

 

Can you really forgive her for cheating , move closer to each other and believe she made a mistake and will be faithful from now on? Continuing a LDR with a cheater could make you ill , paranoid and stressed. She says she still likes him yet has been with you for FOUR years!

I think she sounds immature but I don't know you or her. She should have felt so guilty that keeping this men in her life was a disgusting thought , not an afterthought.

It's easy claiming "All women do this..." or "All men act..." but a person either has values they will stick to or doesn't. Your girlfriend failed that test but whatever you decide don't become bitter against all women as you will miss out in the end...or have to go gay.

[nrg890110]

This was the last e-mail I received before going NC which I decided to. And yeah, thanks guys. I understood 100% of all your advise.

 

I just hope these people can truly change. If they wanted. I'm not planning to meet her or anything anymore. But some part of me just wishes that she could come out from this dirty ****ty trait of hers.

 

M=Me, A=the guy, P=her

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

My dear M,

 

I have been so blessed to have known you, to have met you, to have loved you.

I know what my mistakes are and that I have repented to God again and again.

I told God that I don't want to do that anymore, not until I have found that ONE.

 

This may sound like bull**** to you because you may think I am such a hypocrite.

Well, I confess and admit that I was a hypocrite. I did not like to be told what to do.

I was arrogant, proud and I definitely did not like to be corrected when even though I knew I was wrong.

That is by far my biggest problem.

I have to deal with it, and learn from my mistakes.

 

M,

I just want to tell you how much I cherish the moments we had together.

It was a bliss to be with you. The times spent meant a lot to me and I really

do not want to delete them from my memories.

But knowing what I have done to hurt you, we probably have no chance of getting together again.

I don't know.

God has his own plans for each and everyone of us.

And like you said, the only way to start over is to let go and move on.

This would be my last letter to you, M unless there's something urgent I need to tell you.

I decided to tell you what I wanted to do with A because I want you to know that

I am trying to make a change for myself. Not to make you jealous.

Feelings are there but I will do my very best to control myself and find other friends to go out with us

so we would not end up being in a 1 on 1 situation.

M, I listened to every word you said. Your advice means a lot.

Reality hit me a bit late but I'm glad it hit me now than never.

I really thank you for helping me up when I was really down.

You were the only friend who was there to pick me up literally and to share my tears with me.

And I cherish you so so much. Do you know that, M?

Well, it's a little too late to tell you that now, but I've always wanted you to know that

I have loved you so so much.

I broke my promise to you and I regretted doing what I did with A. I have regretted it, M.

I don't want to turn back to that dirty cheap life.

You, M, have taught me so many things in life and I just can't stop being grateful towards you.

You are indeed someone so special to me.

I have never ever met someone like you, M.

And I'm glad I did. =)

 

Thank you for everything.

Before I end this, I just want to apologize for everything I did in the past.

I pray that we will both find closure and that we will both be successful and

probably just one day, we'll learn to see eye to eye again =)

 

All the best in your future, M.

I know that you will find the ONE.

She's somewhere out there waiting for you =).

 

Love,

P

=3

[meerkat stew]

Translates as "I'm still hanging around with the other guy and if we ever end up alone together, I am going to screw him again. So despite all the gushy prose in this letter, you can rest assured that I don't mean a word of it. Are you enough of a doormat to hang around? I may need some attention in a few months!"

[nrg890110]

LOL, don't worry I won't be that doormat she thinks I would be. Trick me once, shame on her... trick me twice, shame on me. =]

 

Cheers guys! I feel.... super motivated to go live a better life than this. Why should I let one person pull me down huh?

[meerkat stew]

Good attitude, keep nourished and active and you will be past this in no time.

[pinkstar]

I just read all your story to see how it goes. As a woman, I can assure you did the great thing to end up with the girl. Never regret that. I just wanted to tell you that that guy means the world to her, because the first one she slept with , not you...She is a liar who does not know what love is...