should i understand him and wait for him? or should i just move on with my life?

[lych]

me and my boyfriend dominic..well ex boyfriend now.. last saw eachother 01/18/10. we fought that day in his room cause he hasnt seen me all week cause i've been busy. we also fought cause i texted his mom asking if he was at home so i can surprise him and visit him. he got angry at me cause he doesnt like his mom getting in his business and has personal issues with her. and so he told me that next time she talks to me, to not say anything to her. so we cooled down for a bit, his mom went in his room to tell him to go to the market to buy some food. and when he left, she went in his room and asked me why he's angry.. i said i dont know i guess we've been having problems in our relationship. and he walks in and catches us talking and took it the wrong way. so he goes to the market. comes back home and starts yelling at me..."I TOLD YOU TO NOT TALK TO HER blah blah blah..." and we kept arguing from there and he starts tearing up and tells me "i'm not telling you anything anymore!! why do you ask advice from someone who's divorced!!!!?!". and he said he couldnt trust me anymore and doesnt wanna talk to anyone. and i told him...did you still wanna be with me...yes or no? he kept shrugging his shoulders and so we were both crying and i told him i want to help get through whatever he's going through and that i like him a lot and that i care about him and that i won't bother anymore if he doesnt want me to. so i left. and we went no contact for about 10 days until i texted him... and said "i wanna work this out but i dont want to beg and sit around trying to work this out alone. if you don't want this, then i hope you made ur decision wisely"..he texted back "i can't trust anymore. im by myself. and its gonna be like that for now on. i dont want this to be over but it was gonna happen or its gonna happen" so that left me confused and i asked "what do you mean?" and he never replied back. 3 days later on 01/31/10. his myspace display name says "RIP Dominic. finally free. 1991-2010" thats his date of birth. that got me to think that he's gonna do something to himself. so i call him..and he says that wasnt what i think it meant. and i asked him if he still felt the same way about me and he says..sometimes i do and sometimes i dont...and that he doesnt want to talk to anyone. and i told him to just give me a real answer with me (if he wants this relationship or not) whether it would hurt me or not but still...he keeps saying "i dont know". He says hes not going to give me an answer other than "i dont know" so what should i do? should i keep understanding and wait for him that he's going through personal stuff or should i move on? how long do you think it will take him to get over his anger and miss me when i go no contact?

[Angel1111]

When it comes to relationships, always take an 'I don't know' as 'no'.

 

What exactly are you supposed to be understanding about? The guy sounds like a complete fruitcake. I'm sorry if you don't like hearing that but he's got serious issues. What is he hiding that he can't trust you and his mother about? My son's gf calls me anytime she wants - usually when she doesn't know where my son is - and she'd be shocked as hell if he told her not to call me, or vice versa. Do you get how weird this is? I think your ex is borderline abusive because of the way he talks and how dramatic he is about everything. This isn't cute or romantic. I call these guys 'drama kings' and they'll suck the life out of you if you let them. Don't just move on, but get the heck out of there and never go back. He's very messed up.

[LostInLimbo]

Hi Lych,

you may not like my answer, but here goes, I would stop smothering him with questions after questions, stop babying him, It to me sounds like you love him lots, but he needs to come around on his own, not to say ignore what you may think maybe threats, but he said it wasn't what you think.

 

I would go NC-LC let him come around on his own, if you don't your either going to push him away and turn him off, or he will keep you dangling by a string because your feeding him attention.

 

Listen to Angel1111 I had an Ex suck the life out of me and she is still trying to...but only I can stop it.

Sorry to sound harsh, not meaning to be..

 

LiL

Edited February 1, 2010 by LostInLimbo

[lych]

thanks everyone...i was just wondering if he wanted a girlfriend that understood him

Edited February 1, 2010 by lych

[Angel1111]

thanks everyone...i was just wondering if he wanted a girlfriend that understood him

 

People who have suspicious natures and who create this kind of drama are very dangerous to our lives and well-being. As you know because he has hurt you so much, for reasons that pretty much took you by surprise. This is very common for abusive people - they hammer you for things that catch you off-guard and out of the blue. My guess is that he wants a gf that he can control and he's trying to teach you a lesson right now by being cold to you, and by putting out these little dramatic messages on myspace because he knows you're looking. There will be a point when he'll come back and you'll have to decide what you want to do. You may feel really grateful to have him back, but it's actually just his way of putting you in your place. Be very careful with men who are emotionally troubled like this.

[lych]

do you think he'll realize what he's lost later on? it just doesnt seem like it now from the way we were talking..

[Angel1111]

do you think he'll realize what he's lost later on? it just doesnt seem like it now from the way we were talking..

 

Yeah, because as I said before, I believe he's playing a game with you and trying to teach you a lesson. Apparently, it's working very well.

 

Instead of wondering about what he's thinking and feeling, why don't you think about whether he's the right guy for you; whether he's the type of person to allow into your life? Think about your history with him and ask yourself if he's even stable-minded, and what kind of relationship this really is. My guess is that you've had a rocky relationship with him and that he made you feel like you had to walk on eggshells around him. Am I warm?

[lych]

you're right..i hope i feel better in the long run..

[Angel1111]

It hurts a lot to go through this stuff. I know. But if you can really sort through the crapola and really look at this relationship objectively, then you won't feel so weak and so much at his mercy. There will come a point when he'll contact you again and you need to be ready for it and you need to know what you'll do.

 

I've seen and heard about many abusive personalities and from everything you're saying, this is what your ex is. These people are not to be toyed with or to be taken lightly. They can screw up your life so badly that you won't recognize yourself by the time it's all over with. Just please, understand that you're going to be hurting, but also try to be thoughtful of who you are, of your own value. Because if you don't do that, then you'll continue to let this guy back into your life. He had no reason to get so angry with you. He had no excuse to behave the way he did except that he's doing it to manipulate you. And if you get back together with him, he'll up the ante and the next time it'll be some other issue that's really insignificant. I can't tell you enough about how toxic these men are. I know it hurts and I'm so sorry you're going through this. You didn't deserve it.

[lych]

i just don't understand why he doesn't wanna give me closure...he said "take it however you wanna take it but i'm not gonna say yes or no..i'm just going to say i dont know". It hurts cause i just want closure and he doesnt wanna give it to me.