La Cerveza Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 (edited) To make a long story a little shorter... One of my best friends is a woman I have known for almost three years. We have a great friendship. However, I have had feelings for her basically since I have known her. She recently married her husband last fall, but has been dating him since I've known her. Because of this, these feelings have always been kept dormant because she is "forbidden fruit" and because I would never try to break up a relationship, it's been easy to put the feelings in the back of my mind. It has never affected my ability to be friends with her. I just accepted the fact that someone else snapped her up first. We were together recently in a group vacation, where her husband wasn't present due to work. One night when she and I were alone, she broke down and confessed she has had significant feelings for me for over a year, dating back to before her marriage. While I wanted to be able to tell her I didn't feel the same, I ended up telling the truth and confessing my feelings as well. After discussing it, I excused myself and went to bed for the night. The next day, we discussed it briefly again, and there were no awkward feelings at the time...more of a mutual "oh well, this sucks" attitude and we continued on during the trip like nothing happened. However, since then I have been thinking about her and my feelings for her non-stop. All of the feelings that I kept tucked away forever are all on the frontburner and it has been messing with my head. I am due to see her again very soon in a group setting (we haven't talked since the end of the trip, which was last week). All of a sudden I feel jealous, hurt, and my feelings for her seem to be stronger than ever. Can my friendship with her survive? I don't plan on ever acting on my feelings, but I don't know if I can maturely handle a friendship when I feel the way I do and I know she has mutual feelings for me. Do I try to ease out of the friendship as to not interfere with her marriage (I like her husband a lot)? I am at a loss on how to handle this situation. I truly wish I had never known how she felt. Edited February 1, 2010 by La Cerveza
whichwayisup Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 You cannot be 'just friends' with her. It was stupid of her to open that door to begin with and worse, you confirmed that you felt the same way. What you have now is, the makings of a possible affair. Back off and leave her alone, even if it kills your heart. You two shouldn't be close friends - anymore - As it's NOT fair to her husband..And also it's inappropriate since now she is married. I'm sure her H would NOT be happy knowing you two have had this little intimate talk. Imagine her being YOUR wife and then she goes behind your back, confesses her feelings for someone else. Yeah, sucks doesn't it? Don't BE that guy and don't let HER rope you into staying 'friends'. It'll turn into an emotional affair and then over time you two will become too affectionate, hense a 'kiss' will happen.. Don't go there..
skydiveaddict Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I agree if you keep hanging around her, there will eventually come a time when you two are alone and you may not be able to stop yourself , or her for that matter. I was in the exact situation some years ago. All I could do was keep my distance, and that's what I did
Author La Cerveza Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 You cannot be 'just friends' with her. It was stupid of her to open that door to begin with and worse, you confirmed that you felt the same way. What you have now is, the makings of a possible affair. Back off and leave her alone, even if it kills your heart. You two shouldn't be close friends - anymore - As it's NOT fair to her husband..And also it's inappropriate since now she is married. I'm sure her H would NOT be happy knowing you two have had this little intimate talk. Imagine her being YOUR wife and then she goes behind your back, confesses her feelings for someone else. Yeah, sucks doesn't it? Don't BE that guy and don't let HER rope you into staying 'friends'. It'll turn into an emotional affair and then over time you two will become too affectionate, hense a 'kiss' will happen.. Don't go there.. Thank you -- you confirmed what I had feared. The problem from here is that we share a group of mutual friends... I guess I have to hope that I can back out without anyone "suspecting" anything and possibly having this interfere any further. But thank you again for laying it out the way you did, it makes a lot of sense and I appreciate it.
zwieback.toast Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 This may seem like a hopelessly simplistic response, but wouldn't it make more sense to find your own girlfriend who is not in a relationship already, then to take it any further with this married woman? It seems to me if you simply find another attractive girl to focus your energy on, your interest in this married woman will not be an issue. Why do people always want to do things the hard way?
carhill Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 The problem from here is that we share a group of mutual friends Where contact happens because of the social circle, be openly consistent with your 'like' for the husband and support the marriage. Take the focus away from the wife. I've had to do this before and this method works great. Process the attraction away from their presence. As suggested, pursuing other, single, ladies, will help. Good luck
meerkat stew Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Where contact happens because of the social circle, be openly consistent with your 'like' for the husband and support the marriage. Take the focus away from the wife. I've had to do this before and this method works great. Process the attraction away from their presence. As suggested, pursuing other, single, ladies, will help. Good luck Concise and spot on, try channeling feelings into friendship with the marriage and get busy finding an available woman.
Joe Normal Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Tell her she needs to go with her husband to marriage counseling because if she's like this only 6 months into a marriage, it has no hope in hell of being a happy, lasting union. Make it clear you are not comfortable with the situation and hence want to keep things 100% platonic. If she can stick to that and so can you, then you can be friends. But if either one of you ever again starts talking intimately about feelings for the other, you have to go total no contact. Otherwise you are just setting yourself up for an affair.
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