It stinks being single

[greatgirlfriend]

waste 6 months don't go crying when your 40 and hes the same

 

That's why I'm still in the dating pool so to speak. I don't think he'l be the same, since guys often change (and I know many afraid of relationships now married). I'd still date guys casually if I found one and if I fell, I'd have to see what happens. So far guys I've met haven't compared to him.

[clueless haha]

i've been single for 6 months. i get very lonely and am often depressed

 

but as it was mentioned before in post # 3 or 4 >> single = freedom

i'm still young though..

[greatgirlfriend]

i know some who expected their guy to change, some wait for years and they waste them, find a new one whos already there

 

But great relationships take time. It's only been a month.

[sunshinegirl]

But great relationships take time. It's only been a month.

 

This is a totally self-defeating mindset.

 

Question: have any of your previous boyfriends been men you needed to be "patient" with or have some other major issue you hoped to work through with them?

 

If so, then I strongly urge you to consider the advice above about seeking counseling -- you are probably getting in your own way because you are pursuing men who are not suitable partners: they are unavailable in some way, not expressing clear interest, or unable/unwilling to commit.

 

I had to do this myself a year and a half ago after a devastating breakup. Once I looked inward, I discovered a bunch of crapola going on within me that was leading me to pick bad partners.

 

I worked that stuff out, focused on me and my life, and shortly thereafter met a GREAT single/never married/no kids 37 year old who is completely available, interested, able and willing to commit.

[You'reasian]

That's why I'm still in the dating pool so to speak. I don't think he'l be the same, since guys often change (and I know many afraid of relationships now married). I'd still date guys casually if I found one and if I fell, I'd have to see what happens. So far guys I've met haven't compared to him.

 

Have you tried telling your feelings to this guy?

 

When a girlfriend wants to tell me something like this, I give her my undivided attention...

[greatgirlfriend]

Yes, I've dated guys who wanted to take their time. I've also dated guys who wanted to get serious right after first date. A month isn't that long.

[sunshinegirl]

Yes, I've dated guys who wanted to take their time. I've also dated guys who wanted to get serious right after first date. A month isn't that long.

 

Oh goodness, I don't think you're getting what we're saying.

 

At the very least, have you set a firm deadline for yourself, so that if he doesn't "come around" in X months, you'll absolutely cut him loose and move on? If not, I suspect you are going to be in limbo indefinitely.

 

Consciously or not, guys like this are really good at giving women enough crumbs to stick around with the hope that they'll change, when in reality they never actually change. I speak from some personal experience on this.

[greatgirlfriend]

Oh goodness, I don't think you're getting what we're saying.

 

At the very least, have you set a firm deadline for yourself, so that if he doesn't "come around" in X months, you'll absolutely cut him loose and move on? If not, I suspect you are going to be in limbo indefinitely.

 

Consciously or not, guys like this are really good at giving women enough crumbs to stick around with the hope that they'll change, when in reality they never actually change. I speak from some personal experience on this.

 

Yes, 6 months. So this would be around July or so. If he's still doing this (and we still aren't sleeping together or talking about moving in together) then yes, I'll cut my losses and move on. 6 months sounds long, but not really.

[Chicago_Guy]

How is this not flaky on your part? If you were proposed to by three different guys, and apparently they were NOT "hot guys with money" (or else you would have married at least one of them right?), that means you were essentially serially getting yourself into pretty serious relationships with guys that for whatever reason you could not reach a true level of emotional intimacy with.

 

You definitely need therapy.

 

It isn't necessarily flaky. If those weren't the "hot guys" she said she liked, maybe they were weirdos who proposed on the third date while she was dating several other guys at the same time.

[greatgirlfriend]

Have you tried telling your feelings to this guy?

 

When a girlfriend wants to tell me something like this, I give her my undivided attention...

 

I'm going to tell him. Actually, I have many things I'm going to tell him.

[greatgirlfriend]

It isn't necessarily flaky. If those weren't the "hot guys" she said she liked, maybe they were weirdos who proposed on the third date while she was dating several other guys at the same time.

 

One guy proposed on the second date. Except for one, the others weren't serious relationships.

[Chicago_Guy]

One guy proposed on the second date. Except for one, the others weren't serious relationships.

 

I don't think you missed out on anything there. A typical well-adjusted man does not propose to a woman on the second date. That is nuts! How old was that guy?

[CaliGuy]

If you can't make yourself happy single, what makes you think you're going to be happy and make someone ELSE happy IN a relationship? Truth is, if you are miserable single you'll most likely be miserable in a relationship.

 

It's like a bucket. If you don't fill your own bucket with love and happiness for yourself, you won't have any left to give others. Fill your bucket to overflowing with love and happiness for yourself then you'll have plenty left to give others.

[Chicago_Guy]

Because the context of her referring to these proposals was to demonstrate her credibility as a viable marital partner.

 

If they were just nut jobs, she would have qualified the mention of these marriage proposals: "Three guys proposed to me but that didn't really mean anything, they were nutjobs."

 

Also, even if they were nutjobs, if someone is constantly attracting nutjobs, what does that say about the person?

 

I agree with you. It seemed as though she mentioned to to let everyone know how desirable she was as a marriage partner in her 20s. But based on the additional information that the OP just provided it seems as though those guys actually were nutjobs.

[kiss_andmakeup]

If you can't make yourself happy single, what makes you think you're going to be happy and make someone ELSE happy IN a relationship? Truth is, if you are miserable single you'll most likely be miserable in a relationship.

 

It's like a bucket. If you don't fill your own bucket with love and happiness for yourself, you won't have any left to give others. Fill your bucket to overflowing with love and happiness for yourself then you'll have plenty left to give others.

 

This. Being in a relationship is not magically going to make everything okay, even if it is with the ideal man.

 

I was reading an article the other day about how unhappy women function by blaming one main thing in their life (being chronically single, being overweight, whatever it may be) to cover up for deeper issues with depression and anxiety. They live their lives with the thought "If I could just...(lose that extra weight/meet the perfect man/have a better career)...then everything would be okay." Typically they unknowingly self-sabatoge (such as your dating an obviously unfit candidate) to continue to protect themselves from deeper-seeded issues such as depression.

 

This is why I agree that you should get some therapy, and I'm not saying that to tell you that you're crazy or messed up, I'm saying that because you simply cannot be happy in a healthy relationship if you are not a complete individual outside of one.

[greatgirlfriend]

I don't think you missed out on anything there. A typical well-adjusted man does not propose to a woman on the second date. That is nuts! How old was that guy?

 

25 but ready to get married and have babies.

[greatgirlfriend]

One of the marriage proposals was during a serious relationship. We later broke up due to other issues (mostly my fault I admit).

 

I am happy with my life. I have a full life with working out and doing many activities. I am just dealing with this issue because I want to eventually marry. Marriage was never important until now because next year I'll be 40 and the thought of being alone scares me.

[Satisfaction]

I'm not convincing him of anything. Like I said, it's a recent thing (month or so) so not a long time. People can change, I am proof of that. I'm not going to play his game, but he wants to take it slow and we will. Now, if say in 6 months he's still playing this game, then yes I will dump him. The reason I am giving him slack is because I've been there myself. Also, I know many people who changed. I actually know a guy who stated he'd never get married or have kids, and he's now married and has kids. He's gone back and forth about the relationship issue. He'll state he doesn't want to get marriage, then next thing you know he'll bring up something like it.

Well I hope he does change. I used to think like this and was very patient and put up with lots of uncertainty and lots of other crap and he just up and left when I wouldn't be patient any more.

I didn't put a time limit on it though, perhaps that's where i went wrong. I hope he doesn't waste your six months.

[Satisfaction]

 

You definitely need therapy.

 

Don't you mean, you could do with some therapy? Therapy is not a magic wand to wave over life and make everything perfect.

[greatgirlfriend]

I just love that complete strangers think I need therapy without knowing my life. No wonder many people are on drugs, because of people insisting everyone needs help.

[paddington bear]

OP I'm in a similar-ish situation to you, 37, never married, still single.

 

If our 20's are all about making mistakes, trying out different people, getting hurt, learning to deal with rejection etc. well then you've at least done that. But learn from the mistakes and don't keep repeating them in your 30's. I know now you say that you would not be so picky as you were in your 20's, but not just that. What do you want? Kids, a man who loves you, a relationship. Don't let desperation make you hang onto an imaginary relationship with a man who will not give you those things. If you meet someone and they don't want kids or are unsure, who doesn't want a relationship, get out and don't hang on in there hoping for things to change. They won't.

 

A few months ago I met my lover...not going to go into all the reasons that he's a lover and nothing more, but in any case this one man taught me a valuable lesson. He approached me, chatted, then said 'I really like you, I've noticed you for months now, have you got a boyfriend? No. Ok well I'd like to see you again'. I did see him again and he kissed me and showed interest. I'd been so used to guys like the one you've got your hopes pinned on now, that I didn't realise that it is not always like that. With this guy I knew from the offset where I stood, there was no guessing, no wondering if he liked me or not. That is what you need, if you don't get that kind of cards on the table clarity within a month, then cut yourself loose.

 

I too can say I never met the right guy in my 20's. I had one guy wanting to settle down with me and have kids when I was only 20 and just starting my degree. It was all too much for me just when I was embarking on my university degree and more importantly I wasn't in love with him. After that I dated around then met someone who I really fell for, lived with him for 4 and a half years, but for many reasons (one being a mental illness that he had) that relationship ended when I was 26 or 27 and had totally messed me up emotionally for years afterwards.

 

After that guy I guess I just assumed I would meet someone else who'd want a relationship with me and subsequently I got played so badly over and over that for a long time men = hurt and pain in my mind. I was naive and innocent and took men at their word, it took a long while to realise that many men lie and I got repeatedly hurt and then put on weight and just gave up on the whole thing.

 

I lost weight, I moved countries and tried to work on myself, but at this stage I was already in my mid-thirties and most people have already married and settled down and not for want of trying, I just haven't met anyone. I've been on 2 dates in 2 years...apart from that my social life is with my friends and family with no opportunities to meet single men. I also during this time fell hard for a guy, who again, like this guy you are pinning your hopes on, kept feeding me crumbs until eventually I realised that that was all I'd ever get. Still trying to get over the heartbreak of him. And now here I am even older and still single. The key thing is, to stop wasting time. I've wasted so much time, even in the last year or so and I'm simply not doing it any more. If I meet a guy who is unsure, doesn't really know, maybe in a while blah blah. He'll be instantly ditched, because I haven't time to waste on someone who's not into me and will regret when I hit 40 that I wasted another 3 years on some guy who was obviously never going to be interested from the offset. Also, getting emotionally hooked on some unavailable guy prevents you from being aware of other available men out there. You think you are aware, but you really are not.

 

I have done, as you are doing now, the hanging around thing for this guy who I had lots in common with shared values and goals and humour, except that he didn't want marriage and kids, but then sometimes he did, he wasn't sure. I did as you are doing, I won't bug him, I'll be nice, I won't push, I won't do this and that. Basically I will try to mould myself into being what I think this guy wants. Doesn't work. The guy just wasn't into me, he liked me and all and we are still friends, but he was emotionally unavailable to me and no matter what I did that wasn't going to change. And that is a universal truth.

 

In retrospect, I went for this guy precisely because he was emotionally unavailable, all unconsciously of course (someone mentioned this already to you in this thread, going for someone you can't have while bemoaning being single). When you've gotten deeply hurt over and over, when you've been single for a long time your sense of worth hits rock bottom. You put up invisible defences and unconsciously avoid available men and pursue unavailable ones who keep you on a string, as this guy is doing to you now because it is someone out there giving you some kind of attention, and that's got to be better than nothing right? If he's not around then there is no one and nothing so better to live off false hope than be alone. Bad move on your part.

 

I know this is a bad move because I've thought this way myself. You are just accepting crumbs, you are hanging around letting some guy dictate when and if you guys might get together and making you feel like you have to change to win him, but also at the same time trying to change him into being what you want. He's told you he's not into kids and marriage, believe him, don't believe the 'well sometimes I do think I might want that' bit.

 

If I've learned one thing it's that if a man truly wants you he will be with you, living far away, studying, career, family etc. won't stop that from happening, he will not take the chance on losing you. Once you get this 'hum haw, I'm not sure, I'll have to see, maybe in a while' you can be guaranteed that he's really not that bothered and never will be no matter what you do to try to alter that. I'm not saying this to make your situation seem even worse, just so that you don't waste any more of your precious time on a man who will not suddenly want kids and marriage (to you - could be that in 6 months he's doing all that with someone else). If he's not sure now about you and him, he will remain unsure.

 

When this inevitably ends with you being rejected or not getting what you want from him, it reinforces your own belief that you are not good enough and will always be single. You almost make it happen through your unconscious choices in men.

 

Personally (and I'm not saying you should change your views on this) I have no problem dating guys with kids. Chances are it's too late for me to have kids of my own, which is very sad, but my life didn't work out the way I envisaged it. So, to be able to share someone else's kids, difficult as that might turn out to be, to me seems a positive, rather than negative thing. At the age you and I are at, by insisiting on the guy not having kids means that you are cutting out a huge swathe of men out from an already small pool.

 

If I were you I'd tell this guy 'get back to me when you are sure either way, in the meantime I don't want any contact between us' and get out there and try to set up some dates somehow and realise this guy is not your only hope.

[Morgued]

I just love that complete strangers think I need therapy without knowing my life. No wonder many people are on drugs, because of people insisting everyone needs help.

 

Ya know, therapy doesn't mean you're some nut job a dice roll away from ending up in an insane asylum. Even the sanest people could do with some therapy. In a way expressing your thoughts, concerns, and problems on this site is a therapy in itself.

 

I just recently turned 21, and I already have the same...'fear' (for lack of a better term), of being single the rest of my life. As long as you be yourself (though that's probably an overused term), act/be confident, and love yourself enough to love someone else love will find it's way to you.

 

Best of luck hun ^_^

[greatgirlfriend]

OP I'm in a similar-ish situation to you, 37, never married, still single.

 

If our 20's are all about making mistakes, trying out different people, getting hurt, learning to deal with rejection etc. well then you've at least done that. But learn from the mistakes and don't keep repeating them in your 30's. I know now you say that you would not be so picky as you were in your 20's, but not just that. What do you want? Kids, a man who loves you, a relationship. Don't let desperation make you hang onto an imaginary relationship with a man who will not give you those things. If you meet someone and they don't want kids or are unsure, who doesn't want a relationship, get out and don't hang on in there hoping for things to change. They won't.

 

A few months ago I met my lover...not going to go into all the reasons that he's a lover and nothing more, but in any case this one man taught me a valuable lesson. He approached me, chatted, then said 'I really like you, I've noticed you for months now, have you got a boyfriend? No. Ok well I'd like to see you again'. I did see him again and he kissed me and showed interest. I'd been so used to guys like the one you've got your hopes pinned on now, that I didn't realise that it is not always like that. With this guy I knew from the offset where I stood, there was no guessing, no wondering if he liked me or not. That is what you need, if you don't get that kind of cards on the table clarity within a month, then cut yourself loose.

 

I too can say I never met the right guy in my 20's. I had one guy wanting to settle down with me and have kids when I was only 20 and just starting my degree. It was all too much for me just when I was embarking on my university degree and more importantly I wasn't in love with him. After that I dated around then met someone who I really fell for, lived with him for 4 and a half years, but for many reasons (one being a mental illness that he had) that relationship ended when I was 26 or 27 and had totally messed me up emotionally for years afterwards.

 

After that guy I guess I just assumed I would meet someone else who'd want a relationship with me and subsequently I got played so badly over and over that for a long time men = hurt and pain in my mind. I was naive and innocent and took men at their word, it took a long while to realise that many men lie and I got repeatedly hurt and then put on weight and just gave up on the whole thing.

 

I lost weight, I moved countries and tried to work on myself, but at this stage I was already in my mid-thirties and most people have already married and settled down and not for want of trying, I just haven't met anyone. I've been on 2 dates in 2 years...apart from that my social life is with my friends and family with no opportunities to meet single men. I also during this time fell hard for a guy, who again, like this guy you are pinning your hopes on, kept feeding me crumbs until eventually I realised that that was all I'd ever get. Still trying to get over the heartbreak of him. And now here I am even older and still single. The key thing is, to stop wasting time. I've wasted so much time, even in the last year or so and I'm simply not doing it any more. If I meet a guy who is unsure, doesn't really know, maybe in a while blah blah. He'll be instantly ditched, because I haven't time to waste on someone who's not into me and will regret when I hit 40 that I wasted another 3 years on some guy who was obviously never going to be interested from the offset. Also, getting emotionally hooked on some unavailable guy prevents you from being aware of other available men out there. You think you are aware, but you really are not.

 

I have done, as you are doing now, the hanging around thing for this guy who I had lots in common with shared values and goals and humour, except that he didn't want marriage and kids, but then sometimes he did, he wasn't sure. I did as you are doing, I won't bug him, I'll be nice, I won't push, I won't do this and that. Basically I will try to mould myself into being what I think this guy wants. Doesn't work. The guy just wasn't into me, he liked me and all and we are still friends, but he was emotionally unavailable to me and no matter what I did that wasn't going to change. And that is a universal truth.

 

In retrospect, I went for this guy precisely because he was emotionally unavailable, all unconsciously of course (someone mentioned this already to you in this thread, going for someone you can't have while bemoaning being single). When you've gotten deeply hurt over and over, when you've been single for a long time your sense of worth hits rock bottom. You put up invisible defences and unconsciously avoid available men and pursue unavailable ones who keep you on a string, as this guy is doing to you now because it is someone out there giving you some kind of attention, and that's got to be better than nothing right? If he's not around then there is no one and nothing so better to live off false hope than be alone. Bad move on your part.

 

I know this is a bad move because I've thought this way myself. You are just accepting crumbs, you are hanging around letting some guy dictate when and if you guys might get together and making you feel like you have to change to win him, but also at the same time trying to change him into being what you want. He's told you he's not into kids and marriage, believe him, don't believe the 'well sometimes I do think I might want that' bit.

 

If I've learned one thing it's that if a man truly wants you he will be with you, living far away, studying, career, family etc. won't stop that from happening, he will not take the chance on losing you. Once you get this 'hum haw, I'm not sure, I'll have to see, maybe in a while' you can be guaranteed that he's really not that bothered and never will be no matter what you do to try to alter that. I'm not saying this to make your situation seem even worse, just so that you don't waste any more of your precious time on a man who will not suddenly want kids and marriage (to you - could be that in 6 months he's doing all that with someone else). If he's not sure now about you and him, he will remain unsure.

 

When this inevitably ends with you being rejected or not getting what you want from him, it reinforces your own belief that you are not good enough and will always be single. You almost make it happen through your unconscious choices in men.

 

Personally (and I'm not saying you should change your views on this) I have no problem dating guys with kids. Chances are it's too late for me to have kids of my own, which is very sad, but my life didn't work out the way I envisaged it. So, to be able to share someone else's kids, difficult as that might turn out to be, to me seems a positive, rather than negative thing. At the age you and I are at, by insisiting on the guy not having kids means that you are cutting out a huge swathe of men out from an already small pool.

 

If I were you I'd tell this guy 'get back to me when you are sure either way, in the meantime I don't want any contact between us' and get out there and try to set up some dates somehow and realise this guy is not your only hope.

 

You could still have kids. I can't give up on him yet since the relationship is new, but am still looking at other guys. I know people who had the same situation and the guy did later commit (in a few cases the most antimarriage guys did marry). I'm going to tell him he can't keep playing his games though. As for the kids part, no I can't budge on that. I don't want to be a stepmother for many reasons. One, they'll spend more time and money on the kids than me. Two, there is probably an exwife (guys who never married the women are immoral and would never consider them) and she's still in the picture. Three, I don't want my money to go to a kid. Fourth, I'd only consider raising my kids or adopted kids not someone elses. Many other reasons but that's the jist of it.

[Satisfaction]

I'm not sure what the difference is between "you need" and "you could do." What do you mean by "you could do" and how is that different from "you need"?

 

By the way I didn't say therapy was a magic wand. Just that she needs it. It might help her understand herself a little better.

 

Look after all this stuff in the thread, she claims to have a happy life.

 

So--what's the problem?

 

actually I wrote "Could do with"

A person who is not in a relationship or single can be happy. Same way people in relationships can be miserable.

[greatgirlfriend]

And another thing I forget to mention: he got screwed over by his last girlfriend. She was a gold digger. That's why I'm not giving up yet.