Author greatgirlfriend Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 I'm not mentally unstable, or flaky or anything like that. I just haven't found the right guy. I admit I used to be picky and would only date hot guys. Not anymore. By single I mean not married. Not high maintenance nor am I stuck up or prissy. And no, why should I have to accept stepchildren? I don't want them. I may want my own. I'm not even answering the troll who mentions I have to be sexually available and give up a career.
D-Lish Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Don't beat yourself up for your priorities in your 20's. I have plenty of gf's that gave up their career dreams in order to get married and have babies. So many of them are now finding themselves trapped in loveless marriages with children to take care of- and simply settling for it because they feel it's too late to pursue a career, and not having post secondary education limits their options when it comes to leaving and finding a good job. I am the same age as you, and I am divorced- I've been single for more than 4 years. I am unsure most days if I even want a relationship. If it happens, it happens- that's how I approach it. I am pretty happy regardless. Don't internalize the notion that you aren't worthy- people gravitate toward people that like themselves. If you give off the vibe that you don't value yourself, people will pick up on that, and it is a turn off. It's not the attitude to approach dating or finding a mate.
LostLamb Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Successful women find it harder when dating as men as succesful as they are tend to go fot trophy wives and the stats reveal that the more educated a woman is , the more likely she is to be single. I think it's silly putting dating off if you know you want kids and marriage one day but you still have time to find someone if you dump the bloke who is treating you badly and start looking elsewhere. I wouldn't date a man with children if I was looking for a partner as I don't want to be a mother but I think it might become older as I age as most people have children.
Author greatgirlfriend Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 Don't beat yourself up for your priorities in your 20's. I have plenty of gf's that gave up their career dreams in order to get married and have babies. So many of them are now finding themselves trapped in loveless marriages with children to take care of- and simply settling for it because they feel it's too late to pursue a career, and not having post secondary education limits their options when it comes to leaving and finding a good job. I am the same age as you, and I am divorced- I've been single for more than 4 years. I am unsure most days if I even want a relationship. If it happens, it happens- that's how I approach it. I am pretty happy regardless. Don't internalize the notion that you aren't worthy- people gravitate toward people that like themselves. If you give off the vibe that you don't value yourself, people will pick up on that, and it is a turn off. It's not the attitude to approach dating or finding a mate. I am a normally happy person but my "friend" really upset me. I too know women who gave up careers and regret it. In one case she left after may years and finds that she can't restart her career (this after finding out her husband had a mistress). I keep hoping that my boyfriend or friend or whatever he is gets his act together because he's the one I want to be with. I keep telling myself my relationship with him is early and he's scared (he had a bad previous relationship).
counterman Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I have not read all the posts but I think it is great that you are career-driven. I find girls that do pursue a career to be very attractive and, in this day and age, most girls do pursue careers. One thing I am interested in is what it was like for you in your 20s? I mean, I know of people who are in their 20s, some married really early (with relationship stemming from high school) and others are single and still focusing mainly on their careers.
Author greatgirlfriend Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 In my 20's I lived with two guys (one for a year) and was proposed to by three guys. I wasn't lacking in guys, but I was pretty so only wanted the hot guys with money. Now I regret turning the other guys down.
A_guy Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 In my 20's I lived with two guys (one for a year) and was proposed to by three guys. I wasn't lacking in guys, but I was pretty so only wanted the hot guys with money. Now I regret turning the other guys down. Awwww.. don't regret. Sometimes, I only want hot girls with money. Good luck to me~! But yea, live and learn girlie. Live and learn the best you can.
boogieboy Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 So what are you doing to get the guy you really want? The one you are chasing that is hurting you? And if you werent chasing him, what would you be doing to get the guy you really want?
Author greatgirlfriend Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 So what are you doing to get the guy you really want? The one you are chasing that is hurting you? And if you werent chasing him, what would you be doing to get the guy you really want? I'm taking things slowly. I don't want to scare him off so I never bring up sex, living together, marriage, or children. He keeps saying he wants none of this but I'm not convinced that's true, so I basically say whatever happens, happens. When I chat with him I keep insisting I want to take things slow. I want to turn "I'll never marry anyone" into "will you marry me" in the future (and it could take many months or years). I don't nag or insult anything I dislike about him.
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I'm taking things slowly. I don't want to scare him off so I never bring up sex, living together, marriage, or children. He keeps saying he wants none of this but I'm not convinced that's true, so I basically say whatever happens, happens. When I chat with him I keep insisting I want to take things slow. I want to turn "I'll never marry anyone" into "will you marry me" in the future (and it could take many months or years). I don't nag or insult anything I dislike about him. A word of advice that I've heard from others and will pass on to you: never date a "project." If you don't like their values, personality, or the way they treat you when you first meet them, there is a very slim chance that will change. There's something in us as women, maybe it has to do with maternal instinct, in wanting to think we can "change" a man for the better. We can't. Especially by the time he is in his 30's and beyond...that is just the way he is. You'd be doing yourself a huge favour to move on, in my opinion. Find someone who already has goals, desires, and values that align with yours, not someone who has, seemingly, absolutely nothing to offer you (not even sex! jeez!). You may have so sacrifice other aspects (ideal age, attractiveness, or history/baggage), but it will ultimately be a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.
counterman Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 You can draw positives from those experiences and maybe that's what it took for you to realise what you really want. Don't regret all that you have done in your past because you can't change that. With this guy you want, do you really think he is worth it after he said he wanted none of those things? It's true that his perspective might change but if he is resolved on it now, it probably won't. I would say if you really want him, then go for it and do take things slow but if it starts to take it's toll on you, then you have to let go.
Author greatgirlfriend Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 The thing is he does share my goals, values, and interests. That's what make it weird and why I won't give up. I've had other situations where after a few months the guy wasn't ready to commit (by commit I mean date exclusive) so then I dump them. I don't believe in changing a guy but he's wishy washy on what he says.
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 The thing is he does share my goals, values, and interests. That's what make it weird and why I won't give up. I've had other situations where after a few months the guy wasn't ready to commit (by commit I mean date exclusive) so then I dump them. I don't believe in changing a guy but he's wishy washy on what he says. If you want to get married, have kids, and settle down, and he self-proclamedly "never" does, those are three very big goals that you do not share. Important ones.
Author greatgirlfriend Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 If you want to get married, have kids, and settle down, and he self-proclamedly "never" does, those are three very big goals that you do not share. Important ones. But he's mixed on that. He changes his mind often. Now if that's the case in a few months, then yeah it's not changing and I'm moving on.
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I'm sensing a Love Connection for you and another poster named betamanlet. He's never been married - there ya go! (I'm not sure on his age, but he's an attorney. )
WalkInThePark Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I'm not mentally unstable, or flaky or anything like that. I just haven't found the right guy. I admit I used to be picky and would only date hot guys. Not anymore. By single I mean not married. Not high maintenance nor am I stuck up or prissy. And no, why should I have to accept stepchildren? I don't want them. I may want my own. I'm not even answering the troll who mentions I have to be sexually available and give up a career. greatgirlfriend, don't be so hard on yourself. There is nothing wrong with not marrying in your twenties. I actually think that people should try to figure out first who they are before getting married. Lots of people who married young get in trouble later because they feel they have missed out on things and feel they are stuck. However, be realistic. If you are 39, love is still possible for you. As a matter of fact, love is possible at every age. But at 39, your chance of ever having your own children is small. Guys your age who want to have children, will often go for a younger woman. Also, you might have biological problems to conceive. My advice is that you try not to make your wish for own children the core of your search. Love should be what you are looking for. Don't rule out divorced fathers with children. This can enrich your life. I know so many women do at all costs want their own children, and some others only want a guy with older children, or without children. But this way they might reject a great guy. The fact of absolutely wanting your own child can also put a lot of pressure on a relationship. People who have problems to conceive and try medical assistance have to deal with a lot of stress, which can cause problems in the relationship.
gypsy_nicky Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 OP what happened with the past dudes? Did you leave them or was it the other way around?
Author greatgirlfriend Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 OP what happened with the past dudes? Did you leave them or was it the other way around? Both. I don't want to get into specifics, but a few hurt me so terribly that I didn't want a relationship for awhile.
gypsy_nicky Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Both. I don't want to get into specifics, but a few hurt me so terribly that I didn't want a relationship for awhile. mustve been real painful if you stopped seeking. do you think maybe a part of you is still holding back because of being jaded? Why are you sticking with an emotionally unavailable person. Do you really want a relationship or do you want to keep chasing for one?
Kamille Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Why are you sticking with an emotionally unavailable person. Do you really want a relationship or do you want to keep chasing for one? Great question! greatgirlfriend, you do realize you don't have to make things work with this guy that you're with right? Do you see how he's holding you back from what you really want?
Author greatgirlfriend Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 The thing is, he is the one I want. It's hard to explain, but from previous comments, he does eventually want a serious relationship, he just has to develop trust. Ironically, part of his problem was something I experienced: con artists. I had a guy take me for all my money and long time personal items. We both also experienced people who dumped us after we fell. Also, both of us had partners who cheated on us. If he can't trust me after a few months (it's still early, not even a month) then yes, I'll move on.
Author greatgirlfriend Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 He's no player. He's the exact opposite.
Kamille Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 but, as some wise woman has already told me here, why would you want a project? No wonder you hate being single: this man is already putting you in a disadvantaged position of you having to 1) be patient with him 2) make excuses for him 3) convincing him that a relationship with you is worth it - which easily translate into 4) making him realize you are worth it. Never put your ego on the line for a man who isn't sure if he wants to a relationship. He means what he says: he doesn't want a relationship. Don't expect to be able to change that! Also, if you both share the same experiences, then why would you make excuses for him. You've been betrayed and hurt and yet you remain, after all, ready for a relationship.
Author greatgirlfriend Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 but, as some wise woman has already told me here, why would you want a project? No wonder you hate being single: this man is already putting you in a disadvantaged position of you having to 1) be patient with him 2) make excuses for him 3) convincing him that a relationship with you is worth it - which easily translate into 4) making him realize you are worth it. Never put your ego on the line for a man who isn't sure if he wants to a relationship. He means what he says: he doesn't want a relationship. Don't expect to be able to change that! Also, if you both share the same experiences, then why would you make excuses for him. You've been betrayed and hurt and yet you remain, after all, ready for a relationship. I'm not convincing him of anything. Like I said, it's a recent thing (month or so) so not a long time. People can change, I am proof of that. I'm not going to play his game, but he wants to take it slow and we will. Now, if say in 6 months he's still playing this game, then yes I will dump him. The reason I am giving him slack is because I've been there myself. Also, I know many people who changed. I actually know a guy who stated he'd never get married or have kids, and he's now married and has kids. He's gone back and forth about the relationship issue. He'll state he doesn't want to get marriage, then next thing you know he'll bring up something like it.
brock25 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I don't think being single is necessary bad. I would rather be single than be stuck in a bad relationship or have mutliple divorces.
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