Where can I find dates?

[greatgirlfriend]

Good luck with THAT requirement - aren't you 39?? I think your family is being rather inflexible. But in addition, I would hope you'd be old enough to make your own decisions without worrying what your family thinks. Heck - at 24 I married who I wanted in spite of it being against my mother's approval. I think that's a silly requirement at your age. But good luck - whatever floats your boat. Soon enough, enough years will have been wasted that you will realize you're going to have to broaden your horizons a little.

 

#1 - it's not his job to "motivate" you. If you really want that bit in there, maybe say something about motivating EACH OTHER so it's an even field.

#2 - I agree with Art about dropping the word "bitter." You presence the word even if you really aren't.

#3 - The bit about a replacement father. Nothing quite says "I don't really want you in my kids' lives, but it's a necessary evil if we're involved" like the paragraph you wrote. If I were looking to date a single father (which actually - I AM dating a single/divorced father with primary custody of 3 kids) and he said what you said in that paragraph, I would feel very uncomfortable around his kids. Like I have to watch out and not get too close, or I'm stepping on somebody's toes.

 

I'm just going to say...your profile is written with a very negative tone. Being an optimist, I wouldn't be interested in your profile. Especially when you use a condescending tone by saying "fat asses." You might be trying to offend only fat people with that comment, but trust me that thin/normal-sized people would be turned off by that kind of talk, as well. And I work out, too...6 days a week.

 

Exactly why is my profile "negative"? No, I don't want obese guys, and can't bend to that. I've seen men ask for women in shape and I am asking for the same thing. My requirements are pretty modest.

[greatgirlfriend]

IMO, you're still "super picky" because you only want to date men who will willingly agree sacrifice having sex for an ill defined but lengthy period of several months until YOU decide when they have "earned" it.

 

You're not a virgin and nowhere close to it. Why on earth would you expect any remotely normal healthy male to agree that he does not get to have sex with a woman for a period of several months until whenever SHE decides to bestow this "gift" on him? Why should he do that?

 

Furthermore, your attitude towards sex is not helpful and is probably pretty unhealthy. You're using the withholding of sex as the "lure" and you are the "prize." That's not a very healthy or mature attitude for a person to have towards their own sexuality. So if this guy whoever he is jumps through whatever your hoops are...then what? He gets to have sex with you. Big Whoop.

 

By the way, I find it interesting that on your thread, you claim that it's your boyfriend who is not interested in sex, and yet in that thread, you claim you want to have sex with him. Seems inconsistent.

 

Most likely if your requirement is a man who does not want to have sex with you, you will end up with a man who does not want to have sex with you.

 

But why exactly should I have casual sex? Nope, sex should be with someone I am in love with. I've been through the casual sex stuff so I am waiting. And yes, my boyfriend wants to wait, not me. I don't need to get pregnant or a STD.

[greatgirlfriend]

No guy has a gun held to his head saying that he has to wait. But if she doesn't want to have sex with a guy until a certian amount of time its her decision, you don't have to judge her for that.

 

Thank you. What I didn't mention is there's a reason I want to wait for sex. In the past I often made the mistake of jumping into bed right away (thinking it was a relationship). Most of the time it was just a guy wanting to have sex with me. I developed a STD (HPV) because of it, along with many issues with guys. I vowed never again will I rush into it because I want it to be a serious relationship (like engaged, living together, etc). If a guy truly cares about me he'll wait. If not, he's not worth it. As it turns out my current boyfriend also had situations like that so he wants to wait too.

[polksaladannie]

Very good on the betrayed spouse, it seems you can read between the lines at least a little

 

 

 

 

.

 

Considering that you are/were a BS, I dont think you have reason to be giving me advice. You obviously could not keep your spouse interested and you think you can advise me on how to attract men???FLOL

[greatgirlfriend]

Polksaladannie,

 

While I disapprove of dating married men, and disagree that the man should always pay (I believe in 50/50), I think Buttnutter is just looking to troll. He said some pretty outrageous things to me as well in this thread and other threads.

[melodymatters]

Wow !! This thread is a mess !!!

 

Ladies : feel free to ask for what you want, honestly most guys are primarily looking at your pictures ! It's a crap shoot looking for love online, but it does happen, and if you use it as just one of your tools, why not ?

 

In general less is more, and being happy and upbeat sets a friendly tone. When you get obese men or men with younk kids, just move onto the next profile, no harm, no foul.

 

Artcritic has been on here for years and in his nearly 18 thousand posts, I have never seen him make personal attacks. As somone who met his wife through online dating, I would think he is well placed to give advice on a thread about online dating.

[greatgirlfriend]

Buttnutter, Didn't you read exactly why I don't want to rush into sex? I'm aware men like sex. So do I, but I don't want to make the same mistakes again. If a guy doesn't want to wait to have sex, then he's not the one for me. I want sex with a relationship, you know where the guy actually LOVES me and not just lust.

[boogieboy]

Well then ..I guess I will be happy to sit at home with the latest issue of People and a vibrator;)

 

Well single guys without kids arent in your league, you can keep goin with the married guys though.

 

Have to keep tryin though.

[greatgirlfriend]

Well single guys without kids arent in your league, you can keep goin with the married guys though.

 

Have to keep tryin though.

 

Ok, this brings up something (not you specifically, just something I'm seeing in this thread). People are saying she needs to give up looking for single guys because she has kids and they won't want her. That makes sense. However, many of the same people are saying I'm picky because I refuse to date men with kids. Then if she shouldn't date single guys and I shouldn't date single guys, then who should? I'm seeing all these guys saying single guys don't want stepchildren, yet if I, a single woman states I don't want stepkids, I am being picky. That's a double standard. Why should I lower my standards if single guys won't?

 

Not aimed at you in particular but it reminded me of that.

[greatgirlfriend]

As I said: you are well within your rights to set whatever personal limitations you want on having sex, or not having it.

 

You are however not within your rights to expect to find a man who agrees with your perspective concerning how soon to have sex in a relationship.

 

There's a big difference between "rushing into sex" and making the guy wait "several months." What does "several months" even mean?

 

You don't say you want to wait until you're actually engaged. That would be a legitimate, specific timetable. Nor do you say you want to wait until actually married. Again that is a specific and therefore legitimate timetable.

 

The only thing you will accomplish by seeking out men who are willing to wait for an undefined period of "several months" (i.e. meaning however long you feel like making them wait) is to perhaps find men who 1) either don't want sex at all, which you already have; or 2) men for whom it is acceptable to be totally dominated both sexually and emotionally by their significant other. I.e. an extremely weak man.

 

IOW what you are really saying here is that you want a man who will willingly suppress his sexuality pretty much pursuant to your whim. You DON'T want a man "who will wait." You want a man who will DO AS YOU WANT HIM TO, i.e. appease you.

 

You are carrying your baggage from prior relationships (i.e. having sex "too soon" whatever that means) and imposing it on a different person.

 

You also don't understand the physiology of "love" and "lust." Part of what makes couples bond, and deepen their love for each other, is having sex with each other.

 

Admittedly this is somewhat of a chicken and egg phenomenon.

 

But, how does being willing to wait "several months" to have sex with you, prove the man "loves" you, as opposed to proving that he simply isn't particularly interested in having sex with you?

 

I can see not having sex on the first date. Or the second. Or the third. Or the fourth......Or the tenth. Maybe.

 

I mean do you understand how abnormal a man would have to be to 1) really be in "love" with you yet 2) not desperately want to have sex with you long before several months have passed?

 

Don't you like sex for its own sake?

 

Apparently not.

 

I do like sex, and have a willing partner if I choose to go that route. However, I don't want to. The current guy I am dating isn't a long relationship at all and both of us have relationship issues we both have to deal with. That's why when people say to dump him, I can't right now. I have to give him (and me) time to really trust each other. In another thread I actually stated that yes, I am waiting to get either engaged or live together. If a guy doesn't love me enough to commit, he's not worth it. I learned that mistake from previous relationships.

[greatgirlfriend]

I have several guys who want to date me. I just don't want them.

[greatgirlfriend]

This is not making too much sense. Didn't you previously state that your boyfriend does NOT want to have sex with you?

 

Yes, but this is another guy. He doesn't want a relationship, just wants sex.

[polksaladannie]

I have several guys who want to date me. I just don't want them.

 

I am in the same boat...losers abound!

[greatgirlfriend]

I am in the same boat...losers abound!

 

Yeah, here's a sampling of guys who'd date me in a heartbeat:

 

50 year old guy who works as a cook in McDonalds. Never graduated high school.

 

Fat slob who's about 400 pounds.

 

Another guy who's been with so many women (and I suspect men) that he likely has a disease.

 

Guy with a drug problem.

 

Guy who's been married 5 times and has 7 kids.

 

Another guy who has 10 children (that he knows of) and never married any of the women.

 

A guy who just got out of prison for beating up a woman he worked with.

[brock25]

Join a social club where you can probably find people with some of the same interests.

[greatgirlfriend]

Allright. But I thought you were already in a committed relationship with a guy who meets your requirements--i.e. willing to not have sex with you at least for the time being.

 

Why are you talking to multiple other guys about the possibility of dating them if you're in a committed relationship already?

 

Again I guess this goes back to the notion of requiring that anyone who wants to be in a serious relationship with you must agree to forego sex. Why would someone forego sex if you're not even going to stop looking for other people to date? He would be proving his fidelity, but what are you proving by this?

 

Because I want to keep my options open in case in a few months he still is this way. It's still a new relationship. If anything, I would do casual dating only to make the one I want realize that yes I can get others. I don't want to do this, but I have to. And no, I won't do anything sexual with these guys. And the second guy is only if the guy I want won't commit.

[greatgirlfriend]

If this is what they put on their dating profiles then I would hate to hear what the "bad news" about them is.

 

These are guys I know personally.

[greatgirlfriend]

OK so in actuality you're not really in a committed relationship at all, you just have a sort-of boyfriend with whom you don't have sex and who doesn't want to have sex with you; you've got a second guy on the side who wants to have sex with you, but you don't want to with him; plus you're apparently "on the dating market" but you're only attracting losers.

 

Did it ever occur to you that maybe just maybe you should try a different approach?

 

I'm just sayin'.

 

Well, the first guy asked me to be his girlfriend, but it's an early relationship and too early to be thinking of commitment (only a month). The second guy I met months ago on the job and he's cute but too young (and only wants sex). I keep him around if things between me and first guy don't work. I just started online dating again but not really serious about it (because I really want first guy) but would consider dating others casual and if feelings develop, then I'll deal with them (though in reality I only want first guy). The losers are guys I know personally.

[greatgirlfriend]

But I have to keep my options open if he can't commit eventually. There's the problem.

[Shygirl15]

Here are my expectations:

1) taller than me (I am 5'7"); height proportionate to weight but a few extra pounds is ok; attractive to me, not necessarily attractive to the world at large

2) educated or at least working toward a degree; articulate; ambitious and career minded

3) gainfully employed, preferably white collar; does not have to be a millionaire but should be able to afford to take me out for dinner

4) considerate and kind

 

Tell me, is that too much?

Any preference on what their age should be? (Apologies if you mentioned that somewhere, couldn't read the whole thing). Personally, I find older guys very likely to have more of the qualities you're looking for. I also find them to be more understanding to our situations and the fact that we may not always be able to go out on dates due to babysitting issues. The ones I dated sometimes offered to cook at home instead, or go to child-friendly places together with my son. We only went out when it was absolutely convenient for me to go out. I found younger guys tend to give a lot of pressure to have things their way.

 

Luckily, I have always able to meet decent guys during the 1st few weeks of online dating. I have never been online longer than a month. And I am a mother like you. I wonder which sites do you go to?

[polksaladannie]

Any preference on what their age should be? (Apologies if you mentioned that somewhere, couldn't read the whole thing). Personally, I find older guys very likely to have more of the qualities you're looking for. I also find them to be more understanding to our situations and the fact that we may not always be able to go out on dates due to babysitting issues. The ones I dated sometimes offered to cook at home instead, or go to child-friendly places together with my son. We only went out when it was absolutely convenient for me to go out.

 

Older guys are fine, but I would not be ok with dinner at home (BTDT ) nor do I want my kids-or anyone else's-coming along for a date...for awhile at least.

[Chocolat]

Very good on the betrayed spouse, it seems you can read between the lines at least a little bit. However again the topic of this thread is your wish to date with the goal of getting into a serious relationship. Not my issues.

 

Well annie all I really know is that you are unhappy and have come here to an anonymous internet forum looking for whatever there is that people have to offer in response to your posts. Like everyone else here.

 

I know that you got divorced and blame that on your husband's miserly ways. I know that you were alone for four years until the married man came after you, but unfortunately the married man won't leave his wife, which is why you are now looking to "date" other people.

 

You don't have to accept anything anyone else says. Take what helps, leave what doesn't.

 

But please realize, if you have serious personal issues which are impairing your ability to achieve a loving, committed relationship--on both sides--then you really have to go far beyond the particulars of how you world an online dating profile which is pretty much irrelevant. You may write the best profile in the world; all that can do is help you initiate contact with I guess some variety of different men.

 

What it cannot resolve is whatever fundamental issues you carry with you, that have made it difficult if not impossible for you to find a truly fulfilling, committed, loving relationship with another mature human being.

 

Everything I have read that you have posted signifies that you have some pretty deep unresolved emotional/personal issues. The place to address those is in individual counseling or psychotherapy.

 

I said only half jokingly in a prior post, that the problem with your original online ad is not that it's "bad"--rather, that it's accurate.

 

You are who you are. Currently, who you are--and as partially reflected in your original online ad-- is a divorced woman in her mid 30's with two children, unable to successfully thereafter enter into a relationship with an available, eligible man, and thus forced to "make due" with a married man who was cheating on his own wife, and who also made it very clear that he had no intention of leaving his marriage, thus indicating pretty clearly he's only interest is in using you, i.e., sex.

 

Who you are is also someone who thinks it's O.K. to exchange payment by the married man for various trinkets such as the occasional meal or whatever else he may pay for, in exchange for giving him sex, but no real/lasting emotional connection. You obviously realize the married man is a complete dead end or else you wouldn't be trying to date new people.

 

You are also a woman who claims to believe that "femininity" is a function of getting regular manicures. Anything you pay for is not a fundamental part of your personality, it is an externality. If I wanted to, I could get a manicure every week and that would not make me the least bit feminine.

 

You are a person who does not believe it to be important to be truthful or honest with any potential future person you might be considering for a future relationship. Everyone has baggage and you happen to have your share of it. That's your personal history, and it's important. It's part of who you are. You want to pretend it didn't happen with someone new. That signifies that on some level, you are ashamed of what you have done, but perhaps you don't realize that yet.

 

If you don't feel shame for your past, why be afraid to disclose it to someone new? The only other reason is that you believe it will make you less desirable. You may be right about that, but you are still putting yourself in a position of thinking that being less than fully honest is a way to establish a healthy, mature loving relationship with an emotionally healthy other person.

 

Let me tell you something: It is not. If you are not going to be truthful with other people, you will end up stuck with more users, and losers, and misers, and liars.

 

There is a reason why you are where you are today. There may be many reasons. But most likely those reasons relate strongly to your own internal personal issues.

 

Sometimes it takes a person years of therapy before they can arrive at a point where they are ready for a healthy, mature, relationship with another person. I'm not saying that's true in your case.

 

But frankly the bottom line is that to a healthy, mature, well-adjusted man, other than perhaps as a sex object (which you are already being used at by your married man but have decided it is unsatisfactory to you), from an emotional fulfillment standpoint, you seemingly bring nothing to the table. Zero. This is based on your postings as well as your online personal ad.

 

That does not mean you don't have many objectively good qualities. You are a single working mother supporting herself which is admirable. But that doesn't get you any extra brownie points because supporting your own children is not something that a healthy, productive, emotionally stable man would think is some sort of remarkable achievement. A good mom is EXPECTED to take care of her children. If you weren't doing that, you would definitely be a bad mom. But the converse doesn't apply. Bringing the bacon home for your kids, by itself, isn't necessarily going to make someone fall in love with you. It's necessary, but not sufficient.

 

You have to bring more to the table than nicely manicured nails, honey.

 

What do you bring to the table, why do you think you are special?

 

Woman who think it is so important to proclaim how "strong" they are as you do (even while accepting "gifts" from married men), don't attract to many guys.

 

Normal guys want a woman to love them and take care of them. That's what guys want. Meanwhile you mock that basic desire, you don't want "more children"? Ha ha very funny, if that's how you feel, you are ruling out just about every decent guy who's out there who would give you the time of day. You will end up with a steady stream of losers, users, and abusers. Or alone.

 

You will push every single good man out there, away from you, if you don't change your attitude.

 

Is that really what you want for your life? Sounds pretty grim and lonely to me.

 

Best advice in this thread.

[polksaladannie]

Best advice in this thread.

And yet my original question was never even addressed...how do I actually find good men?

[SoulSearch_CO]

Exactly why is my profile "negative"? No, I don't want obese guys, and can't bend to that. I've seen men ask for women in shape and I am asking for the same thing. My requirements are pretty modest.

I didn't say anything was wrong with your requirements other than the one about never married...I think that's a little silly, but we're all "entitled," right?

 

As for negative - I guess if you don't see it by re-reading it, then it's just the way you are and re-wording it doesn't matter because it'll come out when you speak, anyway.

 

You can state weight preferences without resorting to childish name calling ("fat asses?" Really? You think that's cool at 39?).

[SoulSearch_CO]

FWIW, Annie - I liked the profile re-write much better. Good luck out there.