Author polksaladannie Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 Most sounds good, but I wonder if the generous part is turning off guys. Many guys I know tell me most women they talk to online are gold diggers. Guys get scared you are only after their money (though youmay not be). I see what you are saying but this important to me. My ex husband was an insensitive miser who forgot bdays and other special occasions all of the time.
greatgirlfriend Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Here's one of my profiles. Simple and too the point yet I still get guys who can't read. I want to see if I can find decent guys who don't play games. I'll be honest and tell you upfront I will not have sex until I know you. I also will not have sex unless it's a relationship. I will also tell you that I do eventually want to marry and possibly have children. I am a professional. You: Never married/have no kids Not looking for one night stand and will wait several months to have sex. I want a relationship. No playing games. Decent shape. No fat asses. (I workout) Not a chauvinist. Love animals. Loves entertainment like going to concerts and going to movies. Most importantly? Ready for a serious relationship that could lead to marriage. Be faithful and loving. I am not a nag, a gold digger, just a nice person who you wouldn't be ashamed to date.
Art_Critic Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 With online dating you will get hit on by 99% of the wrong guys.. it is up to you to figure out who that 1% is that is right for you.... I also have known people who were successful at online dating but they never replied to anyone that hit on them. They took charge and went after the guys that fit them and hit them up first.. In other words.. get proactive about it and search for the guys that your are looking for and send them an email. Have you thought about maybe work related events.. like some seminars that are geared toward your industry, I'm not talking about work.. we all know you shouldn't date a coworker but going to work related events is always a good way to make friends too.. I'm in Advertising.. they are always having Addy award events or so event related to that somewhere around town.. most of the people that would attend those events were single.. or really old and successful in the industry .. Any place that can put you in touch with people around your age would work.. Good Luck
randall Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Well my age is my age. I can't change that. And being a parent/divorced at that age is almost expected...most people have kids/have been married by that age. I understand that. I actually think you come across as a very nice person. The problem is online dating via written 'profiles' and photos is very much a superficial thing. Having 'divorced with two kids' on your profile will almost always have a negative impact on your overal 'value'. There are rare cases where some men may think this is a positive but that would be unusual...not many men have romantic ideas about looking after another man's kids. There are a lot of decent guys using online dating who may not seem ideal on paper as well. They may not have degrees or white collar jobs but they could be very good guys. Classifying them as 'losers' isn't very nice, nor is it fair. Similarly, men who use internet dating and regard single women with kids as losers are not being fair.
Author polksaladannie Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 With online dating you will get hit on by 99% of the wrong guys.. it is up to you to figure out who that 1% is that is right for you.... I also have known people who were successful at online dating but they never replied to anyone that hit on them. They took charge and went after the guys that fit them and hit them up first.. In other words.. get proactive about it and search for the guys that your are looking for and send them an email. Have you thought about maybe work related events.. like some seminars that are geared toward your industry, I'm not talking about work.. we all know you shouldn't date a coworker but going to work related events is always a good way to make friends too.. I'm in Advertising.. they are always having Addy award events or so event related to that somewhere around town.. most of the people that would attend those events were single.. or really old and successful in the industry .. Any place that can put you in touch with people around your age would work.. Good Luck I like your idea about the work related events, but the one thing I will not do is go after a man or ask him out. I did that when I was younger and got hurt. If a man cannot make the effort to pursue me, what kind of partner will he be?
Author polksaladannie Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 I understand that. I actually think you come across as a very nice person. The problem is online dating via written 'profiles' and photos is very much a superficial thing. Having 'divorced with two kids' on your profile will almost always have a negative impact on your overal 'value'. There are rare cases where some men may think this is a positive but that would be unusual...not many men have romantic ideas about looking after another man's kids. There are a lot of decent guys using online dating who may not seem ideal on paper as well. They may not have degrees or white collar jobs but they could be very good guys. Classifying them as 'losers' isn't very nice, nor is it fair. Similarly, men who use internet dating and regard single women with kids as losers are not being fair. But here is the difference...an educational/career path can be changed. There are all kinds of opportunities to go to school or advance in a career.
sid3 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Generous is immediately red flag. That one word is doing more harm than you know.
alphamale Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 i would say singles groups are your best bet
randall Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Generous is immediately red flag. That one word is doing more harm than you know. I agree with this. For an online profile that's like a code word for wanting a guy who will spend money on you (even if it's not what you mean). an educational/career path can be changed. There are all kinds of opportunities to go to school or advance in a career. Not everyone is suited to go to university. People who aren't good academically often have very limited opportunities and career paths in today's society, but that's not necessarily their fault. By categorising them as losers simply because they weren't suited to academic studies you are eliminating a very large pool of potentially otherwise great guys.
Chicago_Guy Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I have posted on my profiles that previously married or guys with kids need not apply and that's still what I mostly get. I don't think they are all losers (some are just like some single guys are losers) but I don't want to be a stepmother, nor do I want a divorced guy for religion issues. My family would never approve of a divorced guy. I could never date a guy never married but had kids because to me he's immoral and that's something I couldn't get passed. I used to be picky about dating professional guys with good jobs. I've found in general blue collar guys are a better pick because they usually aren't as much of workaholics as white collar. I used to be picky about the looks and bypassed average looking guys. Not anymore. I'm not picky yet I still don't get great guys contacting me on online sites. I've talked to many women and they all said the same thing. If you have substantially lowered your dating standards in recent years, would you really be happy with a guy who meets your current lower standards but wouldn't even come close to meeting the higher standards you used to have? Guys want a woman who truly wants them as opposed to a woman willing to settle for them because she doesn't think she can do any better.
greatgirlfriend Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 If you have substantially lowered your dating standards in recent years, would you really be happy with a guy who meets your current lower standards but wouldn't even come close to meeting the higher standards you used to have? Guys want a woman who truly wants them as opposed to a woman willing to settle for them because she doesn't think she can do any better. The thing is I used to be super picky. I wouldn't date a chubby (not obese) guy or one without a good job. Now it doesn't matter. I am realistic to know that some of my expectations were unreasonable. I used to be about looks, now it's personality.
Vintage79 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Well the guys who use online dating often say they only get interest from loser women who are divorced with kids. You fit this bill yet you probably don't regard yourself as a loser...so perhaps the guys you dismiss as losers aren't such losers either. I'd think that when you yourself aren't the pick of the litter you'd be more forgiving of other people's short-comings as well. For online dating, it's all a matter of how you sell yourself. I get plenty of attractive, wealthy, never married, kid free women contacting me, and truthfully, I only rarely get the nasty woman writing a letter. At least for a guy, the key is to come off as an alpha, project success, and be a bit humorous in a very concise way - tough, yes, but at that point, the losers don't even bother applying as they know they'll be rejected. If you come across as too approachable, the losers flock to you as they think they have a chance, and the top quality people stay away as you're not interesting to them...it actually functions pretty much the same way as it does in real life, except for the selling process is a bit different.
Author polksaladannie Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 For online dating, it's all a matter of how you sell yourself. I get plenty of attractive, wealthy, never married, kid free women contacting me, and truthfully, I only rarely get the nasty woman writing a letter. At least for a guy, the key is to come off as an alpha, project success, and be a bit humorous in a very concise way - tough, yes, but at that point, the losers don't even bother applying as they know they'll be rejected. If you come across as too approachable, the losers flock to you as they think they have a chance, and the top quality people stay away as you're not interesting to them...it actually functions pretty much the same way as it does in real life, except for the selling process is a bit different. I posted my dating profile a few posts back. What am I doing wrong?
Art_Critic Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I posted my dating profile a few posts back. What am I doing wrong? This is only my opinion but I think you need to remove the talk about not being bitter.. You automatically put that word in their head when you don't need to.. also remove the father replacement stuff.. all they need to know is that you are a Mom.. the father stuff is presumed and throwing it in there you look a bit meek, I know that there are women out there looking for a Dad for their kids but by mentioning it you gives the impression that you have heard that you are looking for Dad before. Humor.. you need to add some humor.. who wants to contact someone who is all stuffy and not fun in conversation.. Other than that I thought it was okay..
melodymatters Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 This is only my opinion but I think you need to remove the talk about not being bitter.. You automatically put that word in their head when you don't need to.. also remove the father replacement stuff.. all they need to know is that you are a Mom.. the father stuff is presumed and throwing it in there you look a bit meek, I know that there are women out there looking for a Dad for their kids but by mentioning it you gives the impression that you have heard that you are looking for Dad before. Humor.. you need to add some humor.. who wants to contact someone who is all stuffy and not fun in conversation.. Other than that I thought it was okay.. Great Advice !!!! In general, everyone should re-read their profiles, letters, e-mails and remove ANYTHING that comes across as defensive. It's never a good quality. I've been as guilty of this as anyone, so I re-read, AND edit ! I agree that sounding a little more light hearted and fun would add to your profile, but just accept that you are going to have to weed through undesireables. At least you don't have to meet them: you can just click on past !
Johnny M Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I am a 30something divorced mom to two schoolaged kids. I am attractive, funny, ambitious,etc. I have tried internet dating(all I get are losers hitting on me) without luck. Where can a single mother find a good guy or am I just dreaming? Any place where single fathers in their 40s hang out.
homersheineken Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I like your idea about the work related events, but the one thing I will not do is go after a man or ask him out. I did that when I was younger and got hurt. If a man cannot make the effort to pursue me, what kind of partner will he be? Did you your ex-husband pursue you and were you hurt by that? When I read you online profile you sound jaded and bitter from the exp, combined with 2 kids with a pretty long list of expectations yourself.
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I have posted on my profiles that previously married or guys with kids need not apply and that's still what I mostly get. I don't think they are all losers (some are just like some single guys are losers) but I don't want to be a stepmother, nor do I want a divorced guy for religion issues. My family would never approve of a divorced guy. I could never date a guy never married but had kids because to me he's immoral and that's something I couldn't get passed. Good luck with THAT requirement - aren't you 39?? I think your family is being rather inflexible. But in addition, I would hope you'd be old enough to make your own decisions without worrying what your family thinks. Heck - at 24 I married who I wanted in spite of it being against my mother's approval. I think that's a silly requirement at your age. But good luck - whatever floats your boat. Soon enough, enough years will have been wasted that you will realize you're going to have to broaden your horizons a little. My profile(for any reviewers out there) #1 - it's not his job to "motivate" you. If you really want that bit in there, maybe say something about motivating EACH OTHER so it's an even field. #2 - I agree with Art about dropping the word "bitter." You presence the word even if you really aren't. #3 - The bit about a replacement father. Nothing quite says "I don't really want you in my kids' lives, but it's a necessary evil if we're involved" like the paragraph you wrote. If I were looking to date a single father (which actually - I AM dating a single/divorced father with primary custody of 3 kids) and he said what you said in that paragraph, I would feel very uncomfortable around his kids. Like I have to watch out and not get too close, or I'm stepping on somebody's toes. Here's one of my profiles. Simple and too the point yet I still get guys who can't read. I want to see if I can find decent guys who don't play games. I'll be honest and tell you upfront I will not have sex until I know you. I also will not have sex unless it's a relationship. I will also tell you that I do eventually want to marry and possibly have children. I am a professional. You: Never married/have no kids Not looking for one night stand and will wait several months to have sex. I want a relationship. No playing games. Decent shape. No fat asses. (I workout) Not a chauvinist. Love animals. Loves entertainment like going to concerts and going to movies. Most importantly? Ready for a serious relationship that could lead to marriage. Be faithful and loving. I am not a nag, a gold digger, just a nice person who you wouldn't be ashamed to date. I'm just going to say...your profile is written with a very negative tone. Being an optimist, I wouldn't be interested in your profile. Especially when you use a condescending tone by saying "fat asses." You might be trying to offend only fat people with that comment, but trust me that thin/normal-sized people would be turned off by that kind of talk, as well. And I work out, too...6 days a week.
tincanman99 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 This is precisely why I dont waste my time with online dating. Huge requirements with little payoff. Its a hassle and a huge time waster. I am a single guy that is college educated, do well financially and have no former wife and no kids. To be blunt whats in it for me to get involved with a woman with 2 kids? I have no desire to be anything to some other guy's kids. Do you think I want to shoulder some other man's financial burden if I got seriously involved with a woman who had kids? No way on this green earth. Put up with the endless aggravation that I typically see divorced parents go through? What do you bring to the table that puts you head and shoulders of all the single people I can play with that dont have kids. No thanks. I am trying not to be obnoxious but you need to look at it from the other side. PS. Your profile does have a negative tone as others have said. Generous to most men means I am willing to spend it on you and the whole bit about your kids and what not is a total turn off. Unless you look like a super model most men will not be interested.
torranceshipman Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 (edited) With online dating you will get hit on by 99% of the wrong guys.. it is up to you to figure out who that 1% is that is right for you.... I also have known people who were successful at online dating but they never replied to anyone that hit on them. They took charge and went after the guys that fit them and hit them up first.. In other words.. get proactive about it and search for the guys that your are looking for and send them an email. Great post...this is exactly the approach I took and I am really in love with my boyfriend who I met on there - success! I was proactive and contacted him first (lets face it there are thousands of profiles on internet dating sites - the chances of the good guys seeing yours amongst thousands are quite low!) Oh and GreatGirlfriend you really, really need to change your profile. It sounds really negative - I don;t think that the really good catches of the world are going to be interested in dealing with a negative profile. Edited February 1, 2010 by torranceshipman
torranceshipman Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 This is precisely why I dont waste my time with online dating. Huge requirements with little payoff. Its a hassle and a huge time waster. I am a single guy that is college educated, do well financially and have no former wife and no kids. To be blunt whats in it for me to get involved with a woman with 2 kids? I have no desire to be anything to some other guy's kids. Do you think I want to shoulder some other man's financial burden if I got seriously involved with a woman who had kids? No way on this green earth. Put up with the endless aggravation that I typically see divorced parents go through? What do you bring to the table that puts you head and shoulders of all the single people I can play with that dont have kids. No thanks. I am trying not to be obnoxious but you need to look at it from the other side. PS. Your profile does have a negative tone as others have said. Generous to most men means I am willing to spend it on you and the whole bit about your kids and what not is a total turn off. Unless you look like a super model most men will not be interested. I have to agree with this post in terms of how good catch single guys might view single mothers with kids. I'd have said it in a more sensitive way though
boogieboy Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I like your idea about the work related events, but the one thing I will not do is go after a man or ask him out. I did that when I was younger and got hurt. If a man cannot make the effort to pursue me, what kind of partner will he be? I dont know how youre going to find dates, youre just waiting for them to come to you, you will be waiting for an eternity if you dont become proactive. Sorry to break it to you Annie, but you are not in a position in your life where the men you want will come to you anymore. You are not what men want. Most stable single men do not want women with children. You will have to go for the men you want, and show them why you are worth their time. You are not in high demand, and you will not see the results you want online or offline until you put in alot of work, and start approaching guys and messaging them. if you dont learn to change your attitude about approaching men, you will either be lonely for a while, or settling. I dont know if you saw the other poster, but has been searching online for a YEAR and she STILL hasnt found someone she wants. You really should join some singles clubs so you can start dealing with men in person. Also the points that kill your profile are this: "I am a happy single mother who is looking to meet new friends" You put the word "friends" in your profile, and guys automatically think you looking only for attention. No one wants to waste their time when they are looking for something serious. Alot of women say they are looking for just friends in their profile, and they get passed over. I am definitely looking to get a bit more active...maybe you can motivate me! I really want someone who can challenge me (in a positive way) to become a better person. Someone said this before, I shouldnt have to motivate you, that means you are a drag. Women who can motivate themselves and be challenging are the attractive ones. No one wants to have to do the motivating. you should already be a better person, were not here to change you. Its been said to death, but Ill repeat, dont put the word bitter in your profile. My children already have an involved father and my reasons for being here do not include trying to find a father figure for them No one is looking to be your kids daddy on a dating profile, you dont have to put this in there, you dont even have to mention your kids other that you have them. A big red flag is the bi-weekly manicures, that coupled with you making sure someone is generous, makes sure that you will not get what you want online. Hope this helps.
Art_Critic Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 This bi weekly manicure issue probably goes to the heart of some pretty serious emotional and personal issues she has which not only have not been resolved; but which she doesn't even want to admit exist. Are you off your rocker ?.. She hasn't even posted any info regarding her mental health and certainly not enough for someone like yourself to be diagnosing her with all kinds of ailments.. She has never said that she didn't pay for those biweekly manicures herself. I happen to have a hobby of woodworking and have quite the woodshop and have quite a collection of tools.. Does that mean I have a sense of entitlement because I spend money on tools.. and yes when I was online dating I mentioned my hobby in my profile. I can guarantee you that I spend more on my tools than she does on her biweekly manicures.. While getting biweekly manicures may seem extreme to you I think she was exerting herself trying to show that she spends time on her feminine side.. Which all guys want.. How much money does someone spend on beer every 2 weeks ? How much money does someone spend on lunch every 2 weeks ? Give the woman a break..Her profile isn't that bad...
Author polksaladannie Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 Actually though it's not just that--she also said she gets "biweekly manicures." Are you kidding me? A divorced mom of two working as a nurse or whatever she does? That's like flushing money down the toilet. Why put something like that in an online profile? It would be like a guy's profile that says: "I bang a hooker bi-weekly, and am PROUD of it!" "Biweekly manicures?" Now it's one thing to have an indulgence that you know is maybe financially irresponsible. But the only purpose to more or less "brag" about that in an on-line profile is to declare an "expectation." Also, she claims she got divorced supposedly because her ex husband was a "miser". How do we "know" that? He forgot birthdays and special occasions. Apparently she doesn't realize that LOTS of guys aren't very good about birthdays etc. Maybe her ex just wasn't down with the biweekly manicures and whatever else she was blowing money on while she was married. Does that make him a "miser"? Does it make me a "miser" to point out that MOST women do NOT think of "biweekly manicures" as their birthright? Certainly not unless they are making a very HIGH income or their husbands are. Do you even know how much a manicure costs?
MissJoness Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 IMO, you're still "super picky" because you only want to date men who will willingly agree sacrifice having sex for an ill defined but lengthy period of several months until YOU decide when they have "earned" it. You're not a virgin and nowhere close to it. Why on earth would you expect any remotely normal healthy male to agree that he does not get to have sex with a woman for a period of several months until whenever SHE decides to bestow this "gift" on him? Why should he do that? Furthermore, your attitude towards sex is not helpful and is probably pretty unhealthy. You're using the withholding of sex as the "lure" and you are the "prize." That's not a very healthy or mature attitude for a person to have towards their own sexuality. So if this guy whoever he is jumps through whatever your hoops are...then what? He gets to have sex with you. Big Whoop. By the way, I find it interesting that on your thread, you claim that it's your boyfriend who is not interested in sex, and yet in that thread, you claim you want to have sex with him. Seems inconsistent. Most likely if your requirement is a man who does not want to have sex with you, you will end up with a man who does not want to have sex with you. No guy has a gun held to his head saying that he has to wait. But if she doesn't want to have sex with a guy until a certian amount of time its her decision, you don't have to judge her for that.
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