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I am so hurt


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Posted

It's been over a month since D-Day. I have been with my boyfriend for over 6 years and he has had the A on and off for over 2 years. We have had a really rocky relationship for the last 3-4 years. We have lived together for almost 5. I know I haven't the easiest person to be with.

 

After I discovered the A, he said that he wanted to make it work with me but he needs to deal with his "inner demons" first and he's scared to jump back in the relationship. I understood that. He said that he sees a marriage and he wants to work it out with me. He says he can't picture his life w/o me. He told me it's over romantically with her about 2 weeks ago.

 

At this point, we are still kind of living together. I've been gone a lot of weekends (I have family in from out of town and I went home to see them). I keep picturing them together and I don't know if they are over and done with. I keep having this reoccuring nightmare/fear that he is still seeing her.

 

He had a secret cell phone that he used to talk to her. He supposedly broke that phone in front of me but he could have bought another phone to replace it. He has an ATM that I don't access to (I never have) so I don't know what he's putting on there. I kicked him out when I first discovered the A since then, he's been looking for apartments any time I say ," I can't do this. I'm going crazy!" I'm afraid he already has another apartment to keep his relationship with the OW alive. I'm SO anxious everyday thinking that him being sorry and wanting to make things work is going to blow up in my face and come crashing down on me again. I'm SO afraid that the OW is going to call me again and tell me that he's still with her and they've taken their relationship to the next level or I'm going to find some incriminating evidence that he's still lying to me.

 

I just can't shake this nagging feeling that my world is going to come crashing down again. When we are together, things are great... better than before. When I'm gone, I keep picturing him with her and him lying to me about everything. What should I do? Am I being overly emotional and letting my imagination run wild?

Posted

First of all, I am so sorry that you have to picture these hurtful things in your head....I know how much that hurts!!! It sounds like you are letting him call all of the shots here. Remember he screwed up and if he wants you, then you need to set some ground rules.

 

But...If it were me I would seriously weigh the pros and cons of staying with him. Your not even married yet and hes already cheating on you and doing all of these sneaky little things behind your back? Thats not a good sign. Sorry. Don't you deserve a free and happy love? one that you don't have to picture with an OW for the rest of your life? send him packing!

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Posted

Thanks for the reply. I think I feel bad for all things that I've done to him in the past. In no way am I responsible for his cheating but I am to blame for the destruction for our relationship. I probably should have gotten out a while go if I was so unhappy but I didn't.

 

I've gone back and forth about leaving. It's just so much easier said than done. I've sent him packing about 4 times or so since D-day but it only last for a couple days at the most.

 

I'm trying to get my head and heart on the same page but it's not working very well. =(

Posted

OP

 

If things were so bad the past few years, he could have got out too.

Why do you alone have to take ownership for HIS cheating?

While things were bad did YOU cheat on him?

If the answer is no, the rest of my mail applies.

I have been on the receiving end of a similar scenario.We weren't married, but I put my heart and soul into the realtionship for too long.You wind up ignoring all the red flags as you dont want to let go after investing too much time and emotion in that person.Believe me, you will have peace without him in time.Relationships are hard sometimes, but you shouldn't ever be in that position of being tortured wondering what he's doing if he's not with you.That's toxic.

I lost the most important person in my life in the midst of my toxic realtionship.I got rid of him and never looked back.It put things into perspective and I realised in the bigger scheme of things someone who had treated me with so much contempt meant nothing to me anymore.Something tragic made the whole process of getting him out of my life happen overnight.Ican sleep at night now and I'm enjoying life without that 'torture'.It's a horrible place to be.

I know my circumstances helped me get out of that vicious circle of a bad relationship,but ordinarily, it takes time and a lot of willpower.

As an outsider looking in, I think this relationship of yours and your partner has got to the stage where there are more negatives than positives.When someone cheats, how can you trust them again?

By blaming you, he's not taking ownership of what he's done.

I hope it works out for you.

  • Author
Posted

hello all. I'm still dealing with it. I'm just so unsure of what to do. I know what I should do but it's so hard.

 

He swears up and down that he's done w/ the OW but I keep getting the feeling... I keep thinking he's going to change and he hope really means it. But I know I should get out. :lmao:

 

He takes responsibility for cheating. He says it's his fault and he should have gotten out too.

 

No I have never cheated in the relationship. I could have gotten out as well.

 

What he's doing every day , if he's lying to me consumes my thoughts! UGHH!

 

How do you move on from a toxic relationship?

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