lulam Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 There is a long history to this story, but I'll keep it as short as possible. If it's long, I'm sorry but this is really killing me. I have dated a girl for 13 years on and off...since 8th grade. We became very close and i knew she was the one i wanted to marry. For a lot of years she didn't necessarily treat me the way you are supposed to treat somebody you care about. She really did a lot of awful things to me and then she would start treating me good again. Basically she went back and forth with me and had me on a yo-yo. For example, she would want to spend with me quite a bit through the years and then just sort of lose interest and act as if we weren't together, and then a week or so later she would miss me and want change. We broke up quite a bit through all this but still remained in contact. When we would break up though (or just stop talking), I always thought that was it and I moved on. With the relationships I had in between I, at some point early on had taken the step to have sexual experiences. But, I have always wanted to have those experiences with her. Her and I had never had sex, and I assumed it was because she wanted to wait until marriage. Me already having had those experiences was frustrated, but at the same time I understood and respected her and was willing to wait (which I did for 13 years). About a year ago, I had finally had enough of her treatment towards me. I finally "manned" up and cut the ties between her and I. I didn't tell her anything, I just stopped answering calls, texts, and e-mails. After about 6 months went by, i finally contacted her and we slowly started reuniting. One day after a particular tragic event, we ended up having sex for the first time. I realized and later found out that she had sex with a guy after 2 months of us not talking. And the guy ended up leaving her shortly after they had sex. She has changed towards me in major positive way, which is great. But because of how everything happened, how long I waited for that experience with for her to give that to somebody else so quickly...I'm having a lot of issues getting through the fact that she was with me for 13 years and I wasn't worth doing that with, to her giving herself to a guy after 2 months. I get that we weren't together, but it still hurts because I waited for that aspect of our relationship for so long and then she does that with another person so quickly that she didn't love. Is this something you can get over or not? And if you can get over it...how? I know she feels bad about how she treated me in the past and regrets that she gave her virginty to him instead of me....but should I give her another chance after all that?
David V. Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 You could resent it forever. Or you could, if both of you are wholly willing, do everything in your combined might to erase that event from existance and all its evidence. How do I explain this....have you heard of retcons? How some events are at times regarded as no longer within a specific canon? You can [and within some extent, you are entitled to] ask her to do her absolute best to recreate her virgin mindset, and thus be able to overwrite the twomonth noname with you as the one entitled to her. [yes. It is possible. But it takes an extreme amount of willpower, and an even more solid certainty of just WHAT event do you want to become true, and what do you want to write out of your history, as if it never happened. Not many have those.]
Author lulam Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 can you elaborate on this retcon some please and where I might be able to educate myself on it so I can present it better to her? I do love her very much, which is why I feel I'm allowing myself to even go through this...and in the end I hope the result is marriage. You are right though, at this point I resent her very much, even though I love her. We have discussed it over and over again, but it's not helping me much and frustrating her. I have even developed some nightmares over it.
David V. Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 To begin with, you could put your resentment for her and your love in a balance. Weigh them carefully. If your resentment wins, it should be over, thirteen years or not. If your love wins, this is what I humbly suggest. --You look like you are sure of your worth. You have a far longer history than some twomonth noname. You could even claim you deserve her virginity. The whole retcon thing is a very strenuous exercise. Most people fail it because they just cannot, or will not, take the commitment needed to totally erase a disgraceful event from existance. If she loves you just as much, she should consent to it. If she regrets having handed herself to a noname, both of you can do the willing mental work to not only pretend it never happened, but to forget it entirely. And the most reliable way to erase a bad experience, is to directly overwrite it with a good one. That means you must be willing to give the noname the place he deserves [none] in both your lives, and she must be willing to work her hardest to recreate everything so that, in both your heads it gets written that she handed herself first to you. To you only.
Author lulam Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 I truly feel and believe that I'm still here and willing to deal with this because of my complete love for her. You were very receptive to the fact that I do feel very much ashamed, humiliated, and cheated by all this. I mean, her explanations for doing what she did are pretty superficial and detrimental to me...by that I mean, she worked with him and out of embarrassment she did not want to let him know that she was a virgin in fear that it get out to others in her office. she tells me she was older (when I was there 2 months before), and he was there for here (the noname was never there like I was....you have no idea what we have been through). She didn't even mentioned me to him so she claims...(I wasn't even worth mentioning?). I really appreciate the helpful advice on new techniques for us to try and get through this you have provided to me. If you come up with any other suggestions, feelfree to contact me.
David V. Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I think the overall point is, she must want [with EVERY fibre of her being] to erase that, and replace it with you being the chosen one.
dance511 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 If she does help you get over this you need to tell me what she did to get you to accept this. My boyfriend constantly brings up things and when I try to explain them he just says it doesn't make sense. I think you should forgive her.
Silver_star Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 About a year ago, I had finally had enough of her treatment towards me. I finally "manned" up and cut the ties between her and I. I didn't tell her anything, I just stopped answering calls, texts, and e-mails. After about 6 months went by, i finally contacted her QUOTE] Notice how in those 6months she didnt contact you.
David V. Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Er, if he said "stopped answering calls texts and emails", at least I understood there was someone sending them, for him to choose to not answer. Her, I would suppose.
Silver_star Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 My point was...this chick didnt care enough to make it work to begin with. If you want to be with her great. Best of luck. Just pointing out what im noticing here and being objective.
Author lulam Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 You're absolutely right silverstar, she didn't care enough to try and make it work before. I dont think she ever thought that she could lose me, and after i finally did pull away a year ago by completely turning my back on her, it tore her apart and she realized thay she could lose me. Because of they way i did what i did she says she never expected to hear from me again and she had no choice but to move on. When I did come back into the picture though, she came to see what I did bring to her and her view on me changed and she realized how awful she was to me...and how in love with me she is. I personally think that because she did meet the noname and gave what she did to him, and then him sort of just leaving her-she realized how some people really can be and are; and then she came to view and love what she had with me all those years which she took for granted. I do love her very much, but I just don't want to feel the way I do about what she did.
Silver_star Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Unfortunately we cant change the way we feel about the past. We can try. We can try reallllly hard (ive tried) but the issues lay just beneath the surface..waiting to break back up and hurt again. Maybe my only suggestion for improvement in getting over the past is if you both agree to do some couple therapy...it doesnt have to be professional. You could dedicate certain days of the week to just you two...just improving your relationship and rebuilding it. Maybe that could help?
Author lulam Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Thanks to all who replied to my post, I really appreciate it. I will try these options that you have suggested to the fullest. Dance511, if you and your boyfriend have similar issues in which the past keeps coming up, be understanding and realize that these issues are not easily resolved by a simple explanation and/or apology and that the negative past experiences could have created so many detrimental issues that it may go deeper than you both realize. In my case, there is so much hurt that was done to me, that there are just somethings that take a lot more work on both parties to overcome the issues. Again, thanks to all for responding.
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