iamlost88 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I started seeing this guy 4 years ago. He was broken up with his girlfriend when we started and then he got back together with her but we never stopped seeing each other. That went on for 2 years. When they finally broke up. We officially became boyfriend-girlfriend and that lasted for a little over a year. During that time that we were together he was still in contact with his ex. They were still "friends". He was always very secretive with his emails and his cellphone like he was hiding something. Whenever he talks to her he goes out of the room so I don't hear it because I get really jealous. A couple times I found out that they were exchanging inappropriate chats and texts. He said sorry so I let it go. I got pregnant but I had a miscarriage. We were always fighting about his ex. I was so stressed out and I think that's one of the reasons why I lost the baby. He has physically hit me quite a few times when we fight. He always felt sorry after that so I forgave him. December 2008 he broke up with me because he said that I am crazy. That I can't handle my emotions and that he doesn't want to settle but even after we broke up he said that he was still committed to our relationship and he wants to see where things go with us. In June'09 I found out on freaking FACEBOOK that he already has a girlfriend. But even after that he still keeps telling me that he loves me and that there was still a chance between him and I if I get better with controlling my emotions and tone down the craziness. He said he doesn't want to settle. He wants someone who can keep up with him..someone who strives for excellence. He told me stuff about his girlfriend..how he found out that she cheated on him and that she was pregnant with someone else's child. I talked to his gf once and she told me it's his baby. But he still denied it. He said she was lying. They broke up just last month. The other day I asked him point blank if they were back together because I felt like there was something but he said NO. I even asked him if he's in love with her and he said NO. Now, I think he was just keeping me as an option in case it doesn't work out with him and his gf. This morning I found out that he got married yesterday...again on FACEBOOK!... I tried to call him a million times until he answered. He confirmed it. He said he felt horrible about it because he wants to be with me more than he wants to be with her but he has to take responsibility. I asked him again if it's his baby and he said he's not sure. He said that he doesn't think his marriage is going to work out after just getting married yesterday. And he keeps telling me that he still loves me very much. He said he's going to talk to me more about it tomorrow night. I loved him...I still do...even though there were times when he was a jerk, he made me happy most of the time. Being with him, made me happy. Right now, I just don't know what to think. I feel so hurt. I feel stupid. I feel gullible. I can't believe I let him play with me like that again and again.
CaliGuy Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I loved him...I still do...even though there were times when he was a jerk, he made me happy most of the time. Being with him, made me happy. Dumb question(s). Why would you love a man that physically harmed you? What made you stay? Why do you love him, really? Were you happy when he was beating you up? I'm not trying to be a smartypants here. I am trying to help you see that this guy has some major, major faults. Any guy who can hit a woman is not a real man in my eyes. He's an insecure, pansy who in no way is a man any woman would/should want to lead her family. He belongs in jail, not in your life.
Author iamlost88 Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 Dumb question(s). Why would you love a man that physically harmed you? What made you stay? Why do you love him, really? Were you happy when he was beating you up? No, I wasn't happy when he was hitting me. When he's in a good mood he's very nice and sweet and we had fun together. He always told me that he wants to be a better man. I know he can be. I wanted to be there when he become better. I guess I loved the man I know he can be.
CaliGuy Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 No, I wasn't happy when he was hitting me. When he's in a good mood he's very nice and sweet and we had fun together. That's the problem with passive/aggressive people. You don't get the "good" guy all the time. You get some good and some bad. His good behavior doesn't make up for his nasty behavior. He always told me that he wants to be a better man. I know he can be. I wanted to be there when he become better. No. Men who want to be better don't talk about it. They make an active effort to change. He kept you around with broken promises. This is called MANIPULATION. I guess I loved the man I know he can be. No, you loved the man you IMAGINED he could be. The man he SAID he could be but never was and never will be. This is why women stay with bad men. They hang on to what they IMAGINE the person can be, not who they SHOW themselves to be. The old adage? "Never believe what people TELL you, always believe their ACTIONS. Words lie, actions NEVER do." If you pay attention to his actions and not his words, you will see for yourself that he is a bad person and you're much better off without him. Better to be single and lonely than married and miserable...
Author iamlost88 Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 I don't even know what to say. You are right. You know when he first got together with his now "wife", I tried to move on. When he felt like I was pulling away, like I wasn't always available to him anymore, he said that he was in love with me coz he said I wasn't as crazy and needy, more than ever and I believed him. So again, I fell in the hole. Now, I don't know what to do to get out of it. Should I not talk to him anymore? Today, when I found out he was married I felt like crap and he was still the person I wanted to talk to.
CaliGuy Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Now, I don't know what to do to get out of it. Should I not talk to him anymore? Nope. He's married. Consider it a BLESSING. He is now HER problem. Her misery. You honestly should get on your knees and thank GOD for missing that bullet. Today, when I found out he was married I felt like crap and he was still the person I wanted to talk to. That will pass in time. As soon as you rebuild your confidence and self-esteem you'll look back at him and go "WTF was I thinking?!"
Author iamlost88 Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 You are so right. Now I just need to find the courage to say NO to him... Sigh...what did I get myself into?!!!
waterrat Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Hi Lost, Sorry to hear what you are going through. Listen to CG, he gives great advise. You need to get away from this person, he is both physically and emotionally abusive. These types of people do not get better, they get worse. The more you give the more they take...it is never enough. No one deserves to be treated that way. Everything will always be your fault! Does walking on eggshells ring a bell? Never knowing what reaction you may get about what you say or even think?
Author iamlost88 Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 Whenever we fight he always made me feel small. I thought it was all my fault. That I was really just being paranoid and crazy... A day before he got married was when I asked him if they're back together and if he's still in love with her. He asked me where it was all coming from. I didn't know what to say. I just felt like I wanted to ask. He again told me that I was just being crazy. That I shouldn't focus on the negative stuff. But damn it, I was right all along.
Silver_star Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 You got played by a player!! Hes a selfish loser...Dont waste one more second thinking on him. Delete him from facebook delete and block, BLOCK BLOCK!! He will drag you only as far as u are willing to be dragged. Im sorry to say this but you got involved with a man who was already in a relationship with his ex..how do u expect the relationship to go after that? What goes around comes around, and its come around now. Sorry to say.
Ilovecake Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I'm not sure what you mean by being on option, but I can tell you three thing you definately were and that's a doormat, a home wrecker and a punching bag. I would suggest many many intensive years of therapy.
2sunny Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 wow, he saved you from a lot of pan in your future if you choose to move on and never contact him again. his words never matched his actions. to say sorry is totally meaningless unless t never happens again. why were you willing to settle for such inadequacy? you need to ask yourself this, learn from the answers and vow to yourself to never allow it for yourself again. you deserve so much better than what you THOUGHT was a good thing. it wasn't good at all.
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