What to say to her ?

[MissHerALot]

To summarize: I dated a girl for a few months, it was one of those fast and furious relationships and then it burned out for her. She dumped me saying it wasn't turning into love for her.

 

I guess to put it honestly, I begged for a couple weeks to be friends and hang out - hoping to get back on track. She really only replied to me twice after dumping me - once telling me to delete her number and the second time she let me know in no uncertain terms that she doesn't ever want to hear from me again.

 

After she was so cold, I thought I had let it go. I studied hard for my admissions test and went to the gym every day for at least two hours. It has now been two months since she told me to get f$%#.

 

Lately with winter and rain, I think of her, I miss holding her. We were never mean to each other except her reaction towards me after we broke up. Lately I miss her. Her smile, her warmth, her lips, her hugs, her affection, her hands, her hair and her beautiful eyes.

 

I want to send her an email letting her know this once more. She may already know and may not care for me much but I don't feel I have much to lose..

It's been two months since I contacted her and I think I should wait another month - I don't want it to look like a V day excuse; but I know before I let her become a distant memory I want to try one last time.

 

What should I write to her? What would you write?

[DenverBachelor]

Dude, you need to let it GO. Seriously, she is gone. There are plenty of amazing women out there and I PROMISE you that you will meet one much more amazing than your ex.

 

You're focused more on missing the relationship than her -- you just don't know or understand that yet.

 

Don't write her a letter. Please don't. I know you want to do that and I know it feels like the right thing to do but it isn't. Take this objective advice and reach down inside yourself and figure out what you took from the relationship and apply those lessons to your eventual relationship and move forward in your life as a strong and proud man.

[CaliGuy]

Based on what she told you, I'd say move on. You're just going to dig a deeper hole by contacting her. She was clear in her words "Lose her number" and "Under no uncertain terms".

 

I don't know how more bluntley or clear she could have made herself.

 

Honestly, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? What good is this going to do you, other than damage your confidence and self-esteem further.

 

Do you see what I am saying? Beat your head up against the wall, you're going to accomplish about the same thing here.

 

You are much better off spending your time with people who WANT to be with you instead of people that don't....

[MissHerALot]

Dude, you need to let it GO. Seriously, she is gone. There are plenty of amazing women out there and I PROMISE you that you will meet one much more amazing than your ex.

 

You're focused more on missing the relationship than her -- you just don't know or understand that yet.

 

I figured after I give it three months before I check and make sure. I know that she is a stubborn girl who would need time, but I also know that if I don't send her a note she gone anyway.

 

What is there to lose? I'm not all that worried about pride or dignity - that's just vanity. No matter if she responds well or not, I can look in the mirror. I did miss the relationship at first, having somebody to be with; but I have a new routine now - now I just miss her.

 

My question is not if it's pointless or if I am delusional and can't accept it's over. It's also not whether I should do it or not.

 

My question is what would you say to her? You all sound like sharp people - I'm sure you got something not too light not too heavy? Like those bud commercials?

[MissHerALot]

Based on what she told you, I'd say move on. You're just going to dig a deeper hole by contacting her. She was clear in her words "Lose her number" and "Under no uncertain terms".

 

I don't know how more bluntley or clear she could have made herself.

 

Also I did read your guide to a second chance. It was a good guide, well thought out and written. I don't see where the second chance happens? At the end of the guide it basically says you should have moved past your old relationship.

 

Yes, she was blunt and clear, I respected that and didn't even respond. But she was also pissed, at the least now the anger may have died down. I figured I'd wait a few months and see if we are bound to be a nothing more than a memory.

 

When did everyone become so fleeting. So afraid to get hurt that they run away and start this "no contact". No wonder relationships don't last, nobody has any balls anymore. I'm not saying you CaliGuy, just seems people don't buck up enough anymore - both in the moment and when they want another chance.

[gaudi]

What good is this going to do you, other than damage your confidence and self-esteem further.

 

 

 

Confidence and self esteem. This is what you have to lose.

 

Forget about that letter. It will not help, it will make things worse.

[jms76]

Missheralot,

 

You need to listen to the advice that was given to you already. She told you not to contact her. She does not want you! Not only are you ignoring her wishes but you are just going to make this harder on yourself. As Caliguy asked, why would you want to be with someone who does not want you? Is your self-esteem that low? I'm sorry for being blunt but your behavior is no different than a child throwing a tantrum when it does not get what it wants. What woman would want that from a man? Learn this lesson now so that you can be that much better of a person in the future.

 

So to answer your original question "what would you write to her?" Answer: NOTHING! You are living in the past and that is no way to live your life.

[CaliGuy]

Also I did read your guide to a second chance. It was a good guide, well thought out and written. I don't see where the second chance happens? At the end of the guide it basically says you should have moved past your old relationship.

 

There's the rub. The guide is misleading I admit, but on purpose. Nobody will read it when they are heartbroken and desperately seeking a second chance. The guide shows you how to heal, recover and move on. If your ex really wants to be with you, come hell or high water, they will find YOU. You don't need to do anything but move on with your life and be happy.

 

Yes, she was blunt and clear, I respected that and didn't even respond. But she was also pissed, at the least now the anger may have died down.

 

She set a boundary "Don't contact me anymore" (paraphrasing) and you are about to cross it, a third time. It's like you actually like the abuse....

 

I figured I'd wait a few months and see if we are bound to be a nothing more than a memory.

 

If you are bound to anything, SHE will initiate contact. If YOU initiate contact you are asking for a restraining order...

 

When did everyone become so fleeting. So afraid to get hurt that they run away and start this "no contact". No wonder relationships don't last, nobody has any balls anymore.

 

It's not that anyone is afraid to be hurt. It's a simple fact of life that not everyone you love loves you back. Not everyone you want wants to be with you. It's understanding that the other person doesn't want to be with you. That is a concept you don't understand. This isn't about giving up, it's about ACCEPTANCE -- which is the only possible way to move on.

 

You are rejecting the fact that she has rejected you. Chasing after someone who doesn't want to be with you simply delays your own healing and will actually serve the OPPOSITE effect of what you are trying to accomplish. It will chase her even further away.

 

I'm not saying you CaliGuy, just seems people don't buck up enough anymore - both in the moment and when they want another chance.

 

The time for reconciliation in a relationship is before the breakup happens. It's called communication.

 

For a relationship to work, both people have to want it. She doesn't want to reconcile or she would be contacting you. Dumpees who chase a dumper are simply asking to have more sand kicked in their face.

 

I know that you think you're being noble and that somehow you can change her mind. Fact is, you simply CAN NOT make someone want you. You CAN NOT make them love you. The only thing you can do is move on with your life.

 

If she wants you, my friend, she will literally beat down your front door. She isn't going to forget you or forget how to find you. Right now, you are the ONLY one of two people who want a relationship. And one person a relationship DOES NOT MAKE. You don't have a relationship with her anymore. It's over and she made it clear, twice. You can ask a third time but I'm willing to bet you will get the same answer.

 

And the more you chase after this girl, the more you try to convince her she is wrong, the more trouble you will bring on yourself.

 

"You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, know when to run..."

[ginyi1111]

Honestly, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? What good is this going to do you, other than damage your confidence and self-esteem further.

 

Do you see what I am saying? Beat your head up against the wall, you're going to accomplish about the same thing here.

 

You are much better off spending your time with people who WANT to be with you instead of people that don't....

 

**chanting** Listen to CaliGuy Listen to Caliguy**chanting**

 

I understand how you feel MissHerALot. You feel by writing her one last mail telling her how much you loved her it will somehow serve the purpose of so called 'closure' for yourself that at least she knows how you feel about her.

 

I am this close to sending such a mail myself to my ex today telling him exactly how much I love him and how I would go to the end of the world for him. You are telling yourself that it is not to persuade her to come back to you just merely letting her know....but why the need to let her know? Didnt she already know how much you loved her before she dumped you?

 

My friends told me today to not ever sink down so low that he can actually literally step on me. Hold on to our dignity and pride. We have been dumped. We have been told we are not good enough for them in their life. That's the only thing that matters...how we feel for them no longer matter.

[MissHerALot]

Missheralot,

 

You need to listen to the advice that was given to you already. She told you not to contact her. She does not want you! Not only are you ignoring her wishes but you are just going to make this harder on yourself. As Caliguy asked, why would you want to be with someone who does not want you? Is your self-esteem that low? I'm sorry for being blunt but your behavior is no different than a child throwing a tantrum when it does not get what it wants. What woman would want that from a man? Learn this lesson now so that you can be that much better of a person in the future.

 

So to answer your original question "what would you write to her?" Answer: NOTHING! You are living in the past and that is no way to live your life.

 

Strong opinions here...

 

I did not think that the idea of sending an email after a few months would seem like such a big deal, . It's not like we were some crazy abusive toxic relationship. I haven't done anything yet.

 

"She set a boundary "Don't contact me anymore" (paraphrasing) and you are about to cross it, a third time. It's like you actually like the abuse....

 

If you are bound to anything, SHE will initiate contact. If YOU initiate contact you are asking for a restraining order...

 

I know that you think you're being noble and that somehow you can change her mind."

 

 

We got into an intense argument and I got dumped, I said great, until later that night. She told me to delete her number the next day. A week later after ignoring me she told me to get lost in a very cold fashion and I did seeing no other option.

 

It has been two months and I would like to reach out to her before the rest of time sets in. I am not planning roses at work or a "suprise" visit. I would hope that a restraining order would not happen here. That would be the only response I could not deal with. A simple email asking how goes it.

 

Really? Am I really that crazy? What is going on here?

[CaliGuy]

Strong opinions here...

 

I did not think that the idea of sending an email after a few months would seem like such a big deal, . It's not like we were some crazy abusive toxic relationship. I haven't done anything yet.

 

Yes, it's a bad idea. It's a bad idea because you are going to contact her with the EXPECTATION and HOPE that she is going to come running back to you. She will either:

 

a. Not respond at all OR

b. Respond even more firm than she did before.

 

You are trying to reach out to someone who doesn't want you reaching out to them. Put yourself in her position. Haven't you had someone chase after you that you weren't remotely interested in? Each attempt at contact just turns you off even more. By pushing for contact you are simply asking her to be mean to you to get her point across.

 

If she wants to talk to you, if she wants to reach out to you, she WILL. If you reach out to her when she isn't interested, you're going to get bitten.

 

We got into an intense argument and I got dumped, I said great, until later that night. She told me to delete her number the next day. A week later after ignoring me she told me to get lost in a very cold fashion and I did seeing no other option.

 

It has been two months and I would like to reach out to her before the rest of time sets in. I am not planning roses at work or a "suprise" visit. I would hope that a restraining order would not happen here. That would be the only response I could not deal with. A simple email asking how goes it.

 

Really? Am I really that crazy? What is going on here?

 

Yes, you are crazy because you're not seeing the situation clearly. She isn't interested in you. If she was, she would contact you. You need do NOTHING at all.

 

For all you know she may be dating someone else. How would you feel then? How would you feel if her boyfriend reads your letter or email and contacts you telling you to back off?

 

You are blinding by lust and not thinking clearly. We're here trying to help clear your head for you and you're not getting it.

 

Write the letter if you must. We'll be around to hear what her reply is, if any. Not to say we told you so but simply to reinforce that we're giving you good advice....

[D-Lish]

Yeah, it's a horrible idea- she was pretty clear when she dumped you.

If things change for her- let her contact you.

 

Of course if you do have to contact her, go ahead, you have nothing to lose but your self respect.

 

If I left a guy in the same manner and I was firm on the break-up- then he contacted me again- I'd be annoyed- like a full eye roll and head shake annoyed.

[MissHerALot]

 

Write the letter if you must. We'll be around to hear what her reply is, if any. Not to say we told you so but simply to reinforce that we're giving you good advice....

 

 

I left for moscow for work over the next six months and emailed her once i got there. She replied a few weeks later.

 

Although it is clear to me we are not getting back together it has been good to make amends and trade emails with her over the last couple months.

 

In short the "cure all" no contact chant is garbage. I have been feeling much better even though we will never be together again. Understanding takes time and sometimes perspective is only gained with communication. People wondering what to do next... trust you own intuition not blanket advice.