What do I do??

[Ilovehimbut]

Hello all. I have been here before and I visit often because I really feel you people care and you also have a lot of history and experience from which to pull from. Anyway, my last post was about my husband and the fact that he plays guitar 24/7 (if he's awake and not eating or showering) he's playing guitar. I know that probably sounds like an exaggeration, but I can assure you that it's not. We have had many talks about it in the past, and he always says that he does it "out of habit" and not because he doesn't WANT to spend time with me - but then I always tell him - how do you THINK I am supposed to take it? He's always told me that if he wants to be a great guitar player, then he has to work at it (I AGREE 100%), but I've also said to him that if he wants to have a great marriage he has to work on that too, but that part never seems to sink in.

 

Let me just say, I support him music 100%, and he has more talent in his little finger than I have in my whole body. There are nights when I watch him play and it brings a tear to my eye because I know he "on" and having a great night. My husband has a very low self esteem, and I know that when people tell him how good he is it makes him feel good - which I llove.

 

I have for the past 15 years gone to as many of his shows as I can (we have 2 children 8 & 12), but at least once or twice a month I try to go to the shows just to be supportive of him. Now keep in mind that I HATE the bar scene, don't drink, and I'm just not comfortable in "the scene", and than tack on the "groupies" and I am a total "fish out of water". Plus when I go to the shows it's not like we're "spending time together", but I go anyways because it means a lot to him for me to be there.

 

Anyway, I'm starting to realize that I am giving him all this support and getting nothing from it. Me & the kids love to camp - he hates it (and won't go), even tried to rent a cabin so he'd be more comfortable - nope. Bought a travel trailer with bathroon, kitchen, the whole deal - won't go. The kids and I love to fish - he won't go in the water (not even on a boat). The kids and I love to go on nature trails - yep, you guessed it "nature isn't his thing". The saddest part of all of this is that when the 3 of us go - we have a BLAST! But my husband is NEVER a part of it - he would rather sit at home and play guitar.

 

And for YEARS I have been begging him to take me away (the two of us) for the weekend. Doesn't have to be expensive or fancy and small hotel up north for just the two of us. I asked him to do that for our 10 year anniversary, and we are 4 months away from our 15th anniversary and it still hasn't happened. The last time the two of us went even out to dinner by ourselves was JUNE!!

 

So what do I do? I am sinking deeper and deeper into a depression. I am almost having daily panic attacks when I think about my life and how "this is it". It's obvious to me after 17 years together that he is not willing to compromise on what I enjoy, but I have to be supportive of what he enjoys? It's not really supposed to be this was is it? I KNOW he loves me, but something is wrong inside his head because he just doesn't see the loneliness that I'm feeling. I've tried yelling, talking, crying, threatening to leave and things will get better for a week or two and then it's right back to where we have been for 17 years. In 13 years my husband and I have had 1 over night away from our children! Both of our parents live close by and would love to watch them for a weekend, so I don't know why he can't do it.

 

And even through all this, I LOVE this man! I would NEVER, EVER consider cheating on him, but the loneliness is KILLING me and I feel like if I don't get out soon I will die a bitter young (36) woman. I just don't know where to turn anymore, and nomatter what I do I can't make him see how sad he makes me, and I can't get him to understand that this "marraige" we have is not a "marriage" in my mind at all. By the way, there has never been any type of abuse on either side, verbal or physical, From the outside I'm sure everybody thinks we are the perfect happy married couple, but it is so far from the truth. Even my 12 year old daughter said today - "Why do you stay with him when he doesn't want to do anything you want to do - the kids and I were volunteering at a nature preserve and he wouldn't come with us.

 

I'm sure most of you would say to go out a make a life for myself, and do the things I love by myself, but he has a crazy schedule and plays just about every weekend, and teaches at night, so there is VERY rarely any free-time for me to do something I love to - and besides I would rather do those things with my WHOLE family, and my HUSBAND?

 

I don't know I just feel myself getting sadder and sadder every day and I don't know what to do - do any of you have some words of wisdome? BTW - I am incredibily social and he is NOT (unless someone talks to him about guitar or music then he'll talk your ear off:) We're VERY different DUH -but is there any way to fix this without one or the other feeling they got the short end? ANY advice is appreciated - sorry so long!

[Kic]

A counselor may be necessary at this point to let him know that you both should be spending x amount of hours per week together at the minimum.

 

A plan can be set to help ensure that it happens. Separate hobbies are fine as long as at the end of the day you both are still spending enough quality time together, and a counselor will back you up on that.

[Gunny376]

There was once this man that was a 'mule skinner' ~ someone who trains mules.

 

Now as may or may not know a lot about mules, they unlike horses can be very independent and unreliable. That is to say they can sometimes be stubborn and do what they want to do instead of what you want them to do.

 

Now this man was the most successful mule skinner in all of the land, and his reputation as such was know far and wide.

 

A fellow came to seem him one day and wanted to know what his secret was?

 

He took the fellow around back, picked up a two by four two inch thick solid oak board and cracked it across the forehead of a young stubborn mule he was just beginning to train.

 

"First! You've got to get their undivided attention!"

 

When you've got someone by their balls? Their hearts and minds will follow.

 

You need to give this old boy a 'lesson in objectivity!" Your yelling, screaming, pleading, threatening to leave never sink in and last only temporary because you've failed to follow through.

 

Most men's social network is connected and tied in with that of their wives and children (and family) and that's pretty much it. When their wives/GF's walk out on them ~ their whole world falls apart. (I said most men ~ not any and all men)

 

Too much of anything is not a good thing ~ and I don't give a damn what it is.

 

His almost infantile attachment to playing a guitar sends up more red flags than May Day in Tiananmen Square in Beijing, China.

 

This guy has problems, whether he knows it or not? He's not only cheating you and your children out of Life ~ worse of all? He's cheating himself out of his Life.

 

He needs to get into IC ~ I'd be willing to bet next month's retirement check that he's some form of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) not to mention some form of agoraphobia (which is why he needs you there to ground him when he plays on weekends)

 

I'd be willing to bet that he wouldn't be such the Eric Clapton if you stayed away from one one his "jigs" just one time. He couldn't and wouldn't be able to handle it on his own solo.

 

At the very least you should get into IC, (and I would suggest along with your children) and begin to weigh out your Life options.

 

Call it what you want to? But this isn't a marriage. Or at least it doesn't hold the full promise of what a marriage is suppose to be, (whatever the Hell that is? ~ It varies depending upon the individuals involved and the dynamics of the individual relationship)

 

And you should put your foot down and insist that he get professional counseling and help. For himself, for his children if not for your marriage.

 

You come across as a good hearted woman loving a good hearted man, but is that really enough to make and hold a marriage together?

[Tethys]

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Most men's social network is connected and tied in with that of their wives and children (and family) and that's pretty much it. When their wives/GF's walk out on them ~ their whole world falls apart. (I said most men ~ not any and all men)

------------------

 

I'm going to have to agree. I think some men are real selfish bastards compared to women. Maybe it's women's wiring that makes them more willing to sacrifice and compromise, but I would suggest that you start doing something on one of the night he's not teaching lessons, and then stick to that thing--make it once or twice a month so he gets a taste of compromise by having to stay home and possibly discovers the joy of spending some time with this kids. As I read in another post "men will only do what you let them get away with". Sounds anti-men (I'm a man by the way--39 years old), but that's the way I see it sometimes.

[Steadfast]

I'll chip in and agree about men's social-networking. My ex-wife and family were a huge part of my identity...as well as the main source of my motivation. In my case, I worked endlessly to gain my wife's approval and respect, only to have her resent me for the effort. Isn't it funny? Ah...no.

 

As for your husband, I wonder if he knows many world-renown guitarists also provide a loving atmosphere for their wives and families. As with anything, there must be a balance. Your husband does not need to put 100% of himself into playing guitar, he needs to devote 100% of himself during guitar practice. That's a completely different thing. Besides, there is no such thing as 'the best' when it comes to playing guitar. You are simply favored by some, regardless of who good you are. It's soul, not technique.

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

There's got to be some balance, and you are extremely lacking there. It's one thing if you love nature and he loves guitar and you both have your thing but then come together on something. But he's not budging at all.

 

I don't mention this lightly but before I read any of the responses I thought the same thing as some one else said about OCD or something. I bet there's some sort of diagnosable thing going on.

 

I have a son with Asperger's Syndrome. Would do nothing but one thing all day long if he could. Some days that's swimming, some days it's playing video games, when he was younger it was Lego's. Seriously, all day long. He's not very social. But then when you bring up something that he's interested in he'll talk your ear off, to the point that when the person who he's talking to is giving all sorts of signals and cues that they don't want to listen anymore, he doesn't notice and will keep talking.

 

I think my son has a lot of anxiety and doing the same thing all the time comforts him. He hates change. If your husband has anxiety about doing something different because he doesn't know what to expect, it could cause him to refuse completely.

 

Not sure what else to say for advice, but keep working on it. Somehow he definitely needs to realize how serious this is for you. You are a great person and able to compromise and go to the bars and what not even though you don't like it. That's awesome of you. If he won't budge on the nature thing maybe there's something else you could both take an interest in.

 

It's hard to give you advice cuz it seems like you've tried so much already.

 

Good luck!!

[Ilovehimbut]

Hello again all. I have read your posts and I get what you are all saying about the OCD or some other ailment (I have often wondered myself about those things). It's not that I am against counesling per say (although I have to admit that I am more of a "rub some dirt on it" kind of girl - not one of those people that sees your past as an excuse for your misbehaviour - after all, we ALL wake up everyday and CHOOSE how we are going to live our lives- IMHO). We have talked about couseling before, and he is open to the idea, but here is my issue with that - I want him to WANT to spend time with me! I don't want him to be told "okay, 1.5 hours with the music, 1.5 hours with your wife". He has in the past made an effort (when he knows I'm upset) to put the guitar down and "spend time" with me (usually in silence because we really have no common interests), but at this point and after 17 years I feel like he's only doing it because of the consequences and not because he WANTS to.

 

There was a wedding for a friend of ours (actually a band-mate of his - so definitly not a stranger-type thing), that was about 3 hours from our home. He knew that I REALLY wanted to go to this, because I can have fun anywhere with anyone, and we rarely get to go out and "socialize" at a non-band related event. This also would have been a great opportunity for us to have an alone over-nite because it was far away. I had been talking about this wedding for about 3 months and he knew how excited I was to attend, but then about a month before hand he starts talking about how it's SOO far away, he wouldn't be comfortable, blah, blah, blah and it got to the point (the night before) that I just said forget it. Ya know why? Because he takes the fun out of it for me - if I had made him go (and he would have had I persisted), he would have been pouting all night and telling me how much he wasn't enjoying himself etc. instead of looking at it as a night I can spend with good friends, and my WIFE.

 

Gunny, I think you hit it spot on - I AM a good-hearted woman and he IS a good-hearted man (although I'm sure you all think I'm nuts for writing that after all this), but here's what I know - he would NEVER hurt me (intentionally), he would NEVER cheat on me, he would NEVER hit me, he would NEVER leave me, he doesn't drink (which is VERY important to me) - as a matter of fact in 17 years he has NEVER said a mean word to me - and I used to think that was enough (the main reasons why I married him). But now, as I'm getting older and thinking about my life, and my childrens lives, I see that I want so much more. I want a partner, a friend, etc. I'm not naive - I don't expect to feel butterflies every time he walks into the room - but I want someone who WANTS to be my PARTNER in life, someone who takes my feelings into consideration, who is willing to experience all that life has to offer with me - and I'm just not sure that he is willing/able to be that person. Any ideas - thoughts??

[Butterflair]

Is it possible that your husband could have more going on then OCD? He sounds like a kind man and from some of the things you describe it sounds like he could possibly have Asperger's Syndrome (on the Autism scale). The reason I say this is because he doesn't seem to have good social skills, doesn't want to go to social events, has as special interest (guitar) and is clueless about how you feel. (lack of empathy) Try googling it and read more about it. I might be way off base but it's possible there is a reason he is like this. I have a good friend who has it and this sounds like him.

 

(Now that I wrote that I picked up that Ms Ambivalent is on the same thought process, her son has Asperger's.) Look it up and see what you think. It might give you something to work with.

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

Asperger's is such a funny thing. People can go forever w/o being diagnosed. BUT when someone knows exactly what to look for, BAM it's so obvious. When I read OP's post, it's the first thing that I thought, could be Asperger's.

 

Definitely look into it. Lots of stuff on google. Lots of books out there too.

 

Knowing it will not change him. But if he has it IMO he's probably always felt 'different' and maybe a diagnosis will help him realize what it is and help him get help. Butterflair hit the nail on the head. People with Asperger's have to be taught social skills, will isolate themselves, have a special interest and hyper focus on that one interest, don't feel empathy or compassion for others among other things.

 

Your H could be making excuses for not going to things (like the wedding) because a social situation like that could cause him a lot of anxiety. In that case it would have nothing to do with not wanting to spend time with you. You are taking it personally but it's him.

 

Good luck!

[Kic]

For him to "want" to do these activities require motivation. If he didn't want to do them when you first met, then it will not likely appear out of nowhere.

 

Therefore, the only way to change him is to give him the proper motivation. Motivation can be positive or negative reinforcement.

 

Positive:

In the rare times that he does an activity with you, make sure you let him know how much you appreciate it and maybe do something that he wants to do as well.

 

Negative:

He should understand that there are consequences to not spending enough time with you. It could be that your feelings are hurt, or that you are considering leaving due to inattention. A counselor can help him understand these consequences better than if you were to try to explain it alone.

 

No one can ever marry their twin. You will never, ever get him to want exactly what you want, just as he could never get you to play the guitar yourself all day. And that's okay: marriage is about compromises and sometimes serving the other person in order to be served yourself later.

[Gunny376]

The fact of the matter is that he's not meeting your needs as a women, a wife, a mother, an individual, as a family unit.

 

That is to say he's failing as the husband, father, individual, lover etc that you and your children need him to be?

 

 

He may be a great ~ indeed one of the world's greatest guritarist that ever lived. But he sucks when it comes to being and fullfilling his other roles in life!

 

I've got to be 'straight' with you!

 

I was a damned good Marine. And in my MOS (Military Occupational Speciliaty) I was the BEST not only on the East Coast, the West Coast, but Worldwide! I lived, breathed, dreamed the Marine Corps!

 

I got medals, commendations, letter of apprecitations, trophies, flags, you name it!

 

But it cost me a wife and a family!

 

Think Clint Eastwood as Gunny Highway in "Heartbreak Ridge"

 

 

And I would trade it all in a second just to get back to where I begain!''

 

The toughest job in the Marines?

 

Is being a Marines Wife!

[FeelingLonely98]

And I would trade it all in a second just to get back to where I begain!''

 

Gunny - F*'ing awesome posts. (As always!!)

 

Those other roles in life are what is really important. If more of us knew that (practiced that) I guarantee the D rate would be a fraction of what it is.

 

Ilovehimbut - you deserve more - go to IC. Give him a kick in the a$$ like Gunny and others say. He needs to grow up.