What the heck? Is he using me?

[meerkat stew]

Very sorry you are going through this, kind of amazed at his persistence. He knows what the right thing to do with someone he "loves," just refuses to do it. Has he given any rationale for why you can't be an item? This guy has some skeleton that he doesn't want you knowing about, and knows if you and he go public you will be told about it.

[Angel1111]

So, I would love to rip his heart out! Anyway I could knock him off his lying , manipulating perch? Just once?

 

Honestly, I think you've already done that.....at least twice. And I think it's really funny. Maybe what you can do at this point is to just stop talking to him altogether. Seriously, I don't know what his game is. I totally do not get why he's hiding this, and I don't get why he keeps telling you he loves you. If it's a game, I just don't get it. And if he's for real, I still don't get it.

 

I'm glad you came back and posted, I was thinking about you today and wondering how things were going. Maybe if you pull out all the stops - meaning just stop talking to him completely - you might get your answer. Because he'll either start treating you like a girlfriend, or he'll disappear.

Edited February 5, 2010 by Angel1111

[Angel1111]

This guy has some skeleton that he doesn't want you knowing about, and knows if you and he go public you will be told about it.

 

This is really the only thing that makes sense. People don't care anymore that people in the office date one another. I still think he's seeing one of the women he was with at the table. I think he's dating her and all Hell would break loose if she knew what he was doing, and if Nicole knew. Keeping Nicole a secret seems to be his primary objective.

[Nicole11]

i could be wrong, but I am thinking he may have a habit of having affairs out on these sites. He was nervous about me coming to this one. I see the women he is hanging with, they are nice I am sure, but kind of loud and 'party' girls. (nothing wrong with that, I am not judging) I KNOW I am more dignified, they dress loud as well. I dress more subtle, sexy, but subtle, like I said before, I am 99% of the time with coworkers I have to keep my wits about me and always be aware of that.

 

There is such a huge difference in the type of women we are. I am higher up that ladder corporate wise, but they have good jobs as well, they work more directly with the men on the construction site, I work with all the directors. I am considered very pretty, I am petite, and there fore have to dress simply or look silly. Less is more on a petite frame. The women he was with last night, both blonde, boisterous, dressed in my opinion, kind of cheap. (ok I'm judging) loud colors, clunky loud shoes with the sequins and all.....it was a steak house, not a nightclub.

 

He always told me he had never met anyone like me before. He loved the way I dressed, He told me he was so proud to be seen with me. Up untill a few weeks ago when he first hit me with his little requests, things were perfect.

 

We got along so well, we like the same books, movies, sports, music, we just clicked. Our relationship was based first on friendship, and a mutual respect and admiration for each others work. As things started to change from friend ship, I held back for a while, and I told him, I do not want to be something that just happened on a job. This was all so new to me, I have to know I can trust you, and that this is real. I have not been out in the dating world for a long time. He never had a problem with that, you all may laugh, but it was 4 months before we had sex.

 

I feel like a fool. This place has all kinds of his friends here on this job. I think he was showing me a side that either was fake, and he has been a player all along, but I cant believe that. I don't want to believe I am so stupid . I will never trust anyone again.

[paddington bear]

No, don't do that, don't 'never trust anyone again'.

 

This is just like the most horrific situation ever, so I really feel for you.

 

Firstly I think that all his jealous 'that architect was looking at you' crap is projection. He doesn't want you as an out and out girlfriend that everyone knows about, but doesn't want anyone else near you...have your cake and eat it mentality. Why should he have his cake and eat it. He should not!!!

 

Nowhere from any of your posts has he said 'no I'm not seeing Maria or Angela' or whoever, he just doesn't want to be rejected by you while simultaneously carrying on the same behaviour.

 

The whole point about you setting boundaries, which, might I add, you did beautifully, is that the other person learns not to cross them. He hasn't learnt that, he's still trying to get you to fit into some little box he's created for you.

 

I have a friend who started an affair with her boss, was really worried that if she got that promotion that was in the offing before the affair started that everyone would think it was due to the affair, so it was all kept hidden. Eventually though, both parties came clean, and all her worries didn't come to anything. I'm sure it was office gossip for a month or so, eventually it gets boring like 'yeah John from accounts is with Julie from human resources' because there's nothing more to be said about it.

 

Despite it feeling utterly crap right now, recognise that you've done exactly the right thing here considering the circumstances. Declarations of love, of jealousy over other men wanting you, while simultaneously wanting to keep you secret makes no sense whatsoever when you think about it logically.

[txsilkysmoothe]

You saw him with two women with whom he works out in public, right? Then that can't be the real reason he can't be seen with you.

So who wouldn't care about him being with those two women, but would care if he is with you? My answer - only one of those two women - I think he is hiding you from one of these women because he has had a relationship with one of them for some time.

 

The only other idea - are you sure he is divorced?

 

I admire your strength and the manner in which you are dealing with this difficult situation. I too have been thinking of you.

[2sunny]

i think you are doing a beautiful job of maintaining your self respect at this point. keep up the good work!

 

i think he's totally a player... dork!

[Nicole11]

This past week has been hell.

 

I am doing my best to be professional, but at times it is hard. I have left the office more than once for a drive, just to get my thoughts under control.

 

He actually TOLD me about this woman he met about 6 weeks ago when he was in Aspen with his kids - funny about that time he was hard for me to get a hold of, then she apparently 'followed' him home to Minneapolis, on the same plane! - she had family there. What ever. He of course did not see her. SHE kept calling and texting him, Then SHOCK she gave his daughter lift tickets to give to him for when he was out this way!! How the hell would she know his daughter? So of course last Weekend, he was MIA, no one could get a hold of him, and surprise! he was in Aspen. Then he tells me that he cares nothing for her etc. I sat there with my jaw on the floor I am sure of it, and THEN he tells how much he misses me and loves me!

 

I did not know what to say. I just sat there, as this all went through my head. He either is taking great delight in hurting me or he thinks I am a complete moron who can't figure this out.

 

I am so hurt, angry, furious, humiliated, I said nothing, just nothing, then HE got angry with ME for not speaking. I didnt know what to say. I told him, and I quote "I dont even know how to respond to this".

 

What is he doing?

[Crazy Magnet]

Walk up and plant on on him in CO. That should tell you everything you need to know. Tell him you're ready to go public.

[2sunny]

He either is taking great delight in hurting me or he thinks I am a complete moron who can't figure this out.

 

he is a cake eater and very narcissistic. this is not a man that is being kind and gentle and generous with you and his his time and energy. this is not loving behavior.

 

tell him that! speak up! don't sit there saying nothing - say to him that he is a hurtful, mean and selfish man. call him what he is and walk away.

 

life will be so much better when you pay attention to a person's actions instead of listening to hs words which are only designed to manipulate you into getting what HE wants from you... don't let him!

 

you will get your self respect back if you take action and show him with your actions that you deserve better than what he offers to you.

[Angel1111]

He is so full of baloney that I'm with you - I'm speechless.

 

Personally, I wouldn't say anything to him about it. Just let him know that you don't have a good feel about the relationship and that you don't want to see him anymore. And when he begins calling you - which he will - ignore his calls.

 

One thing I've learned is that each and every single time I've gone against my instincts, I've gotten burned. Your instincts are screaming at your right now and, even though you're paying attention to the somewhat, you're still looking for proof as to why you feel this way. You may never get it and in the meantime you're going to waste a lot of time trying to figure him out. One thing I've learned is that whenever a man keeps you guessing, or whenever you feel compelled to try to figure out his motives, it's a very bad sign. Walk. Away.

Edited February 12, 2010 by Angel1111

[Nicole11]

I just walked out of the office, we had it out in a big way! I had a breakfast meeting this morning, I worked my ass off the past few days getting all the information together.

 

I came back to the office, and he called me in his. He asked where I had been, I told him that two of the directors wanted to go over the schedule, and drawings and that we met for breakfast and had our meeting. HE was furious with me. He cant stand me being 'out' with other men, the thought of me with someone else kills him, and all that crap.

 

Well I blew up, I told him he has no claim upon me, that that ship has sailed, he is NOT the man I thought he was, then he tells me "You love me and you know it" I said, no, I don't love you, I loved a man who does not exist. You have made a fool out of me and that will not happen again. How dare you question me on MY actions and behavior. why don't you quit playing these pathetic games with woman, because trust me, YOU look like an *******. I am not discussing this again with you. I will do what I want, when I want and you can shut the hell up! You took advantage of me, you lied to me, you hurt me, don't ever say you love me again, you don't know the meaning of the word. Then I told him, I worked late the past few nights while he was out doing god knows who, and I am tired, my presentation was a success and I am taking the rest of the day off and you can kiss my ass. So I am going to go shopping, have my hair done, and go for a long leisurely run.

 

I am so angry right now, more at myself for buying into all his bull****. I need to work with him. He is my boss. However, I am doing all his work! He is so busy skirt chasing, that the directors, in one week have quit calling him and are calling me. My revenge?? Im going to take his job! Im doing it anyways. Im good at it, and he is so full of himself, he doesnt see it coming. I do.

[Nicole11]

He just called me, begging me to meet him to talk. I asked if it was work related, he said no. I said, well, then no, we have nothing to discuss.

 

I think he was crying, he begged me, he told me he has never met anyone like me, exact words " I love you so much, I know I have made mistakes, I will do anything to get you to come back to me." then how when he and I made love, it was magic to him, how he loves my body, how his feelings for me scared him. I told him my phone was dying and hung up.

 

I will admit, it is tempting, it tugged at my heart huge. But he is the last person I want to see right now. I need to cool off, and keep my wits about me, I will say, he was fab in bed, best sex I ever had. That being said, I can't. I will never trust him, and I feel like the only reason he is saying all this is because he lost me! I didnt lose him. I just wont play his game. I can do so much better. He is handsome, dead on, sexy as hell, but, he knows it, that man attracts woman, I watch it all day. They can have him.

[Angel1111]

He is handsome, dead on, sexy as hell, but, he knows it, that man attracts woman, I watch it all day. They can have him.

 

OMG! You are really funny. "...out doing God know who." ha! ha!

 

When a guy is sexy and handsome and he doesn't know how to handle the attention from women, it's a bad deal all the way around. Good. Let him sulk and think about what he lost. He has screwed up so badly and he all but admitted that.

 

The problem is, if you go back, he'll get bored the moment he catches you and then it'll be the same stuff all over again. I doubt that any woman has ever stood up to him the way you did. They just continually buy into his lies and excuses. I'm so proud of you! I know that took strength but you must feel good about yourself right now. I just know that you're going to meet a quality guy someday.

Edited February 12, 2010 by Angel1111

[txsilkysmoothe]

Hi Nicole11,

 

I'm glad you're staying so strong.

 

Just be careful and smart about the job aspect of all of this. He may get to a point where he becomes angry, turns against you and tries to destroy you professionally. I hope I'm wrong but you should keep this possibility in mind. You should try to solidify your working relationship with anyone in the company who can or will support you if things get ugly. Just keep your wits about you and proceed with caution.

 

I originally thought he was the "owner" of the company but it doesn't sound like that now. If the "owners" find out about the affair, what will happen? Could you both lose your jobs? Sorry, I'm not trying to make you worry needlessly.

[Nicole11]

I don't know if I am the first woman to go off on him. But it felt GOOD!! Thank you all for encouraging me.

 

He has called me 5 times since I last posted. I have not listened to the messages he has left. I so wish he was the man I thought. When it was good it was so good, we do have so much in common, just so much. We had so many fun trips, and great dates, we laughed and talked and just had so much fun, we both are into the same music, we laughed because we both have almost identical CD collections, we like the same books, sports, its crazy. We have the same sense of humor, I felt, and still do, such a bond with him.

 

I have men asking me out right now, 2 so far this week, but I am not doing that. I am very well aware that this relationship was more obvious than I thought. I am going to solidify my career first. I don't want to be the topic of rumors, well I know I am now, but I am going to let it die, and prove that I am a professional. HA HA, real professional, I did blow today. HA HA HA. Thank god no one was in the office. I know that soon some other incident will be the new story. I will say that we both publicly have stayed away from each other, we are cordial when we run into each other, I can feel the eyes upon us when we do run into each other. You can certainly tell people are trying to figure out if the rumors were true or not. The 'women' he is hanging with give me kind of dirty looks, I ignore it. They hang all over him, and it bugs me, but I have never reacted, and just go about my evening. I feel like they love digging at me and that they feel like ha ha, he is with us now.

 

I do believe in someways he has to be kicking himself, I am not blind, I see the woman he has been socializing with. Honestly, if that is what he is into, I was way not his type. Ok, I am jealous, but still, they dress like hookers, drink like sailors and are so loud. I don't get it. I don't know if he is actually dating any one of them and I really don't want to know. It seems to me that there is a group of them that go out and have cocktails and what not quite a bit. I have never seen him dance with any of them, nor do I see him treating them how I was treated. He treated me like a queen. I have some beautiful jewelry from him, and some great clothing from a shopping trip that must have cost him a small fortune, he took me on wonderful dates, we did some pretty cool things, he always held my chair, opened doors, I don't see him doing that with them. He would always walk me to my car if we were out and I was leaving, I have never seen him do that with them.

 

In some ways I am seeing the importance of keeping your private life private on these jobs. So in that respect I am grateful that he wanted to shield me from the gossips, I was not aware of how gossipy this type of work is. Now I know.

 

I am confused. I know deep down he played me, I know he wants his cake and eat it too, but I hurt, I so want that man, the one who made me laugh,I have so many fun, loving memories, that I think about them, and it hurts, I loved him so much. I am strong on the outside, but inside its hell. I know I will get through this, somehow. He just for a time, was so perfect. That is what hurts, I know how wonderful he can be. How fun, and silly, and romantic, charming, sweet, kind and so caring. How can that be such an act? How could I fall for it if it was? I just cant believe I meant nothing. That makes me nothing. I go back and forth strong, then weak. Like a pendulum that needs to finds its center. I'm just not finding it yet.

[Nicole11]

He would never hurt me professionally. I have no doubts on that at all. Not one. He is the boss, this company would be nothing without him, its his name and experience that gets the work. He is very very good, everyone knows that. Can I do his job? yea, Im doing it right now. But when **** starts happening? and big problems arise, and they will, he will handle it so smoothly, and with such command, I could not do that. I was arrogant saying Im going to take his job, never going to happen. Just me trying to make me feel better.

 

If anything he has had my back. Even right now, in the middle of all our drama, when they wanted to lower pay to keep within the budget, my pay was not touched, he fought for me there. So while everyone else had to take a pay cut, I did not.

 

When I realized the apartment I was in was in a bad area, not so safe, he had me moved out and in a better place within 24 hours. Work wise, we are very very good together, we work very well as a team, even now, with all this going on between us, our work is in sync. I know he respects my work and I his. Work is not going to be an issue. I can promise that.

[sid3]

From reading what you've posted, I don't believe this man was playing you. Maybe I missed something. Anyhow I can see why keeping the relationship on the DL would make sense. If that is the reason you ended it with him then that kinda blows. It sounds like he has continued to look out for you even though you went off on him. IDK but maybe he deserves a second chance after a serious talk about some boundaries, needs and expectations. If you really do feel for him like you have written.

[Angel1111]

That is what hurts, I know how wonderful he can be. How fun, and silly, and romantic, charming, sweet, kind and so caring. How can that be such an act? How could I fall for it if it was? I just cant believe I meant nothing. That makes me nothing. I go back and forth strong, then weak. Like a pendulum that needs to finds its center. I'm just not finding it yet.

 

Then, why not do this - just sit back and take some time to think about this. Talk to him the next time he calls and tell him that you're not happy with how he has behaved and that you need some time to think. If he really, really cares about you, he'll wait for you.

 

I think you need to let yourself step away from these fresh feelings right now and think this through after a little dust has settled. He has done too much to cause you to doubt him - telling you he loves you and all that, while being with other women. This is a big no. If you were just casually dating, I could understand. But he's slinging those 'i love you's' around pretty carelessly. Maybe he really does care, but even then his behavior has been questionable for someone who cares so much. I think the reason you haven't seen him act that way with other women is because he's trying not to be obvious. You don't know what he does when you're not around. Even when I was with xMM, he was around me all the time - at functions or parties or restaurants. He acted fairly cool around me, except that when my sister was at the office and xMM and I saw one another, she said we both lit up like xmas trees. It's hard to hide deep affection and, even though your guy needed to be discreet, then why was it ok to hang around other women? He shouldn't have been around any female. That's the part that doesn't make sense to me. He should've been around other guys at that function. Just my random thoughts. Mostly, I just think you need to take some time and even if you go back to him, things will have to change. Even if he doesn't want people in the office to know, doesn't mean that he constantly goes places and spends time with other women.

[Nicole11]

I love the man I knew before this job more than I have ever loved anything in my life. I was so happy. He wants to come over and talk. I guess maybe I will listen. He really has protected me, but god, the other women. I don't know how he could explain that. Either way, this needs to be settled so we can move ahead one way or the other.

[Angel1111]

I love the man I knew before this job more than I have ever loved anything in my life. I was so happy. He wants to come over and talk. I guess maybe I will listen. He really has protected me, but god, the other women. I don't know how he could explain that. Either way, this needs to be settled so we can move ahead one way or the other.

 

I think that's perfect. If you can straighten this out, that would be great. Just make sure that you don't have any lingering doubts after you've both talked. Go back and read this whole post and write down all the things that were bothering you so that you don't forget them. I really do hope it works out for you!

[CleverName]

Nicole, I just read this whole thread and you are my hero. Honestly, I would love a great love story here. It would do my beat-up little heart good to have this end happily.

 

You have made it clear to this guy that you are not at all going to be able to be with him on any loose terms whatsoever and you stuck to your principles. I think I am going to save your posts for every time I find myself acting like I am not good enough.

 

I also think that Meerkat hit the nail on the head about the fact that going public with you in Colorado only would cause his cover to be blown. It's almost laughable at how silly his cover story is.

 

I don't know if he is a perpetual player or a guy who can be true and just had his a** handed to him by an awesome woman. But you have all of your dignity and you are no one's fool. I don't think you should feel humiliated at all, no matter how this turns out.

 

L.

[2sunny]

woooot! you go girl! way to go... say what you mean and mean what you say... perfect.

 

he's only mad that you're on to his player ways... don't let him wear you down - no matter how good the sex WAS, it will never be as good again now that you know the truth of a lying, cheating man... it was the fantasy of him that felt so great - not the reality of his entire being.

[Nicole11]

Well, its been an interesting few weeks. First, we did go out to dinner and talk, he tells me how much he loves me, same old. Then he goes right into talking about this woman he met in Aspen. How she follows him all over etc. she just happens to show up at these random times, keep in mind it is like a 6 hour drive for her to get here, how he has tried so hard to get her to leave him alone and all this bs. Funny thing is, everytime she 'comes around' he is hard to get ahold of. Phone shut off, then the lames excuse why his phone was off. Unreal. But he expects me to believe nothing is going on with him and her. Riiiiiigght. Please answer this, is he having an affair with this woman?

 

He still wants to have these little sneak offs with me. It has not and will not happen. He is jealous of the other men I have befriended, he actually fired one, I swear it was because he thought I was seeing the guy - no I was not. I will never date in the work place again. I repeat, and listen ladies, learn from my pain: I WILL NEVER DATE IN THE WORK PLACE AGAIN!! I went through weeks of pain, humiliation and horiffic gossip about me, I have worked my ass off, kept a clean slate and finally the dust is settlled a bit and there are new rumors going around. But it has been hell.

 

I have kept a professional relationship only with him, I avoid any social interaction what so ever. If I see him out, I will acknowledge him with a head nod and that is it. I leave if I can.

 

I have met some really nice people, some men and women. Have formed a bit of my own social group. No, I am not dating anyone, never again on the job. To painfull. I am no longer the talk of the gossips as much, he of course has moved onto some other woman, does it hurt? you bet. I still hurt at times for the man I thought he was, but I am ok. I am doing great, the key to that has been Yoga, Pilates and running. I am taking care of me!! Pampering myself, it sounds selfish, but who better to care for you when your so down? Looking your best makes facing these tough days alot easier. I fought the urge to plop on the couch and pitty myself. It was not easy, but the payoff? He can Eat his heart out!!! I look and feel great!! The pain inside is there of course, but on the outside? No one would know. I have not talked about it with anyone, absolutely no one. One woman I have come to know asked me about the 'affair', I laughed, like it was unfathonable, and said " oh, sure hot and heavy" like what ever. So in a way, I did speak the truth, but my tone made it seem like hell NO.

 

 

 

 

[/b][/b]

[Angel1111]

Wow, what's the deal with this guy? Does he really think you're that dumb? I'm so glad you didn't let him back into your life since he decided to continue to feed you this line of bull. So many women would've second-guessed themselves or made excuses for him. I'm so glad you didn't do that. He truly has been a disappointment - especially after that crying act he put on. Unreal. You're going to meet a great guy who deserves you someday. Just enjoy your freedom right now. It's your time for you.

Edited March 2, 2010 by Angel1111