Nicole11 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Here is the thing, I am currently separated from H, after 26 years, (alcoholic, verbally abusive yada yada) so I had to get back to work full time. I work in Construction. Not actually doing the construction work, the administrative end. Any how I had met a gentleman a few years back on a project I was working on in Nashville. He was nice, very attractive etc. We talked alot, but nothing happened. When I was ready to go back full time, he hired me as his assistant. We hit it off from the start. I work out of town all the time as well major projects are all over the country. We worked well together, and as time went on, we started hanging out quite a bit, we are the same generation, (50s), had alot in common ie:kids, he was separated as well. Well time went on and we fell in love. Things have been wonderfull, except that I live outside of Nashville and he lives in Minneapolis. I cant up and leave as I still have a daughter living at my house with her hunter jumper horses. She is in college and where would she and her horses go? He has no interest in living here. Well to make a long story even longer, we keep in contact, he has flown up to see me a few times and we spent the month of December together on a job in Florida. Now, we have a huge project coming up and I head to Colorado in a week. He just arrived there. So he calls me and tells me this: Well you know, everyone is going to know that I am getting a divorce. Some of the guys are going to want to set me up, yada yada. Then he went on to say that one of the contractors, her name is Maria, will make it seem like there is something going on with him and her. Then, how would you feel if you walked in and saw me sitting at a table with these other women.... I said, I don't know. I may walk away or I may throw a beer bottle at you. Then I said, how would you feel if I was out with other men. He said he couldnt stand it and would leave the project! What the heck is he trying to say? He tells me he loves me, but this does not sound right. I know I am naive, and have not dated in years, but what is this? I am considered pretty, I still wear the same size as my 19 year old daugheter! I get told I can pass for 35! He is a handsome man, and I can understand and have seen woman through themselves at him. Am I being played? He says he wants to keep us quiet to protect ME? From what? I am confused. I feel like he wants to keep me all to himself. I get the feeling he is very nervous about me coming on this project. Any clues?
Angel1111 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 It does sound like a strange email to write. It's possible that he's seeing you and Maria at that same time and, because you'll both be there, he's not sure how to juggle that act. If I were you, I'd reply back and say something like, 'Well, if you don't want others to know about us because you think it's better that way, then we'll just play it cool while we're there and not see one another. But if you actually are in a relationship with Maria also, or if you'd like your buddies to set you up with someone else, then just let me know and I won't bother you anymore."
Author Nicole11 Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 It would kill me if he was seeing someone else. He seems so nervous, I did not know how to respond, so I kind of dropped it. I needed to think. I feel stupid if I was just some little fling to him. I guess I will say fine, let things roll. At least I can see what he is really made of and if in fact he is a player. If that is so, I will hold my head up, with dignity and do my job and thats that. He will regret it. Ahhhhh, men. But he always tells me how much he loves me, and why etc. we get along so well. He gets kind of green when other men flirt with me, in fact he hates it. He likes that I am not a bar hopper, dont flirt around etc. I will have a few drinks, but never more than 3, keep in mind, most people I am out with are people I work with. I have to keep a certain image up, with friends at home? Party on, I am not a prude, its just that I have kind of a high profile job in a mans industry. I have to keep my wits and reputation in tact.
Author Nicole11 Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 I will be so hurt if he is dating another, how do I handle this? How will I know? I tell you I have not been on the dating scene since I was 21!! Please advise me what to do, like how will I know? How should I act if he is seeing others? what if he still wants to see me too? what are the rules? I just cant be in a casual relation ship with him, not after what we have/had.
paddington bear Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Well, then tell him all that i.e. "I don't want to be in a casual relationship with you, I really like you. I'm not comfortable with you pretending to be dating Maria, who also works for the company, when you could tell them you are dating me, who also works for the company. Since your last email I've been very confused. You have told me you love me and yet you seem embarrassed about the fact that we've been seeing each other. I don't want to be just a fling to you, but if that's all I am, I'd prefer you tell me now, so that we can both get on with our respective love lives as we want them. I realise that there are issues with distance in terms of where we both live. Have you any suggestions?" Sounds to me like he's not quite sure of your feelings for him, that he's laid his on the line, saying he would be jealous of you with other men, saying that he loves you. Have you told him you love him, have you told him that the idea of him being with someone else would kill you? Maybe he needs to be reassured, maybe this is all some kind of ploy to push you into responding to him more emotionally.
mem11363 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 N, This is simple. In a great relationship there is a lot of love and ALSO a healthy respect for / healthy fear of your partner. I deeply love my wife and we have a lot of fun together in and out of bed. And we are very playful with each other. But I AM afraid of her at some level. I don't walk on eggshells at all. I am totally relaxed with her. But if I cheated on her or did something really awful to her, she would hammer me until I was very very sorry for whatever I did. And this goes both ways. She DEFINITELY has a healthy fear of me. So we don't push the edge of the envelope with each other. Or at least not like you are describing. If your guy was a stand up guy AND if he really respected you he would announce he is getting divorced and then openly date you and stay away from other women. And you nicely let him know that if he wants to see other women you two will just end it and you will find a man who is capable of loving you and treating you the way he wants to be treated. If you DON'T do this, he is going to do what he wants which is to have sex with you while having sex with any other woman he likes. This is a test of whether you: - Have common sense AND - Have the strength of will to DEMAND to be treated fairly Here is the thing, I am currently separated from H, after 26 years, (alcoholic, verbally abusive yada yada) so I had to get back to work full time. I work in Construction. Not actually doing the construction work, the administrative end. Any how I had met a gentleman a few years back on a project I was working on in Nashville. He was nice, very attractive etc. We talked alot, but nothing happened. When I was ready to go back full time, he hired me as his assistant. We hit it off from the start. I work out of town all the time as well major projects are all over the country. We worked well together, and as time went on, we started hanging out quite a bit, we are the same generation, (50s), had alot in common ie:kids, he was separated as well. Well time went on and we fell in love. Things have been wonderfull, except that I live outside of Nashville and he lives in Minneapolis. I cant up and leave as I still have a daughter living at my house with her hunter jumper horses. She is in college and where would she and her horses go? He has no interest in living here. Well to make a long story even longer, we keep in contact, he has flown up to see me a few times and we spent the month of December together on a job in Florida. Now, we have a huge project coming up and I head to Colorado in a week. He just arrived there. So he calls me and tells me this: Well you know, everyone is going to know that I am getting a divorce. Some of the guys are going to want to set me up, yada yada. Then he went on to say that one of the contractors, her name is Maria, will make it seem like there is something going on with him and her. Then, how would you feel if you walked in and saw me sitting at a table with these other women.... I said, I don't know. I may walk away or I may throw a beer bottle at you. Then I said, how would you feel if I was out with other men. He said he couldnt stand it and would leave the project! What the heck is he trying to say? He tells me he loves me, but this does not sound right. I know I am naive, and have not dated in years, but what is this? I am considered pretty, I still wear the same size as my 19 year old daugheter! I get told I can pass for 35! He is a handsome man, and I can understand and have seen woman through themselves at him. Am I being played? He says he wants to keep us quiet to protect ME? From what? I am confused. I feel like he wants to keep me all to himself. I get the feeling he is very nervous about me coming on this project. Any clues?
meerkat stew Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Based on his tone and weird questions to you, it seems likely that he has something else going on, and is feeling you out to see how much he can get away with, and if you are going to put up with being a casual sex partner or not, or he could be assuaging guilt arising due to an ongoing situation or indiscretion on his part. When they start asking hypothetical questions that just don't make sense, without more information, out of the blue, have learned that they are angling for some result that reduces guilt or accountability by the illusion that you are "going along with things" despite that you are conveniently kept in the dark as to the true nature of exactly what is going on. Hiding the ball. Classic guilt avoidance pseudo communication technique. The other shoe drops down the road a bit when they start in with "remember, honey, we talked about this," and my reply is usually, "you may have talked around it in a mealy-mouthed way, but we never talked about it together." Wouldn't be surprised if you hear the other shoe within the next few months. IMO your guy is shady.
Angel1111 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 If I were you, I'd either call him or email him back and ask him what exactly is he saying by asking those things in his email. Just be direct with him. Let him know that you don't care for the tone of his email and that it makes you feel like something is going on that he's not telling you. Do not drop this or pretend that nothing's wrong. Even if he tells you you're nuts, that nothing is going on, I still wouldn't trust him. You need to watch him very closely. Men are very good at seeing more than one woman at a time, particularly when one or both of them are long-distance. And that would be ok, but if he's telling you he loves you and all, it's not ok and it makes his actions inexcusable.
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 It seems very clear to me. When someone tells you what they are about, believe them. He is involved with Maria, he is involved with you, he is open to being set up with a new woman because the "guys" will insist. The only problem for him is these worlds are now colliding. He is scrambling to cover his ass. You can bet that he has told Maria that "you" will try to make it look like there is something going on between you and him. Stop having the affair with him. If you can find another job, do so. He told you how it is, don't ignore it.
mem11363 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 TX is likely right. I have a small variant on this. Directly tell him you understand he wants to see Maria and don't want to get in his way and that you are looking for another job. And then if he chases/apologizes and swears not to repeat - you have a choice. It seems very clear to me. When someone tells you what they are about, believe them. He is involved with Maria, he is involved with you, he is open to being set up with a new woman because the "guys" will insist. The only problem for him is these worlds are now colliding. He is scrambling to cover his ass. You can bet that he has told Maria that "you" will try to make it look like there is something going on between you and him. Stop having the affair with him. If you can find another job, do so. He told you how it is, don't ignore it.
Author Nicole11 Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 So I need to think on this. I am not in the frame of mind to confront just yet. I am hurt and confused, then I think maybe with me it is different. But then I feel even more pathetic for thinking that!! I cant find other work, my work is so specialized that there is not a lot out there and in this economy?? Either way, I need to go to Colorado. Im so embarrassed!!!! Last Thursday he was telling me how much he loved me, that he never has met anyone like me, how he feels that he has known me for years, etc. etc. I wonder how many women he has said that to? This Maria woman, I am so ashamed if he told her that I would act like we have something! I will hold my head up, I did nothing wrong. I will also pamper myself, so I feel good about me, at least on the outside. The benefit of that? He can eat his heart out! I look good, I work hard at it and he can eat his heart out. How do I handle this on the site? What happens if I walk into a restaurant, and there he is with her? I know its going to happen. How do I react? ignore them? acknowledge them? Why would he tell me about all this, then tell me if I dated someone else he would leave the project because he could not stand seeing me with another man? Why is he saying this ****?
randall Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I said, I don't know. I may walk away or I may throw a beer bottle at you. So if you see him sitting at a table with some other women you'd consider throwing a bottle at him. You come across as unstable and dangerous.
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I'm very sorry that you are going through this difficult situation. I think your plan for holding your head high and looking your best is a good one. You should also maintain your professionalism. If your relationship has been a secret that should minimize the embarrassment you feel. I'm sure he does want to keep you all to himself.
Author Nicole11 Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 I am not unstable or dangerous! The beer bottle comment was a joke!!! I don't know how I would react, my normal response when I am not sure, has always been do nothing. Walk away. Think before you speak or act. I would never make a public scene, I would walk away. Not only would I not make a fool of myself, I will never ever give anyone the satisfaction of seeing my pain. Not unless we were behind closed doors, and the time and conversation and most important, the relationship is worth it.
randall Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I am not unstable or dangerous! The beer bottle comment was a joke!!! I don't know how I would react, my normal response when I am not sure, has always been do nothing. Walk away. Think before you speak or act. I would never make a public scene, I would walk away. Not only would I not make a fool of myself, I will never ever give anyone the satisfaction of seeing my pain. Not unless we were behind closed doors, and the time and conversation and most important, the relationship is worth it. Ok, no problem. It's just that your original post didn't make it sound like a joke at all, it came across as very matter of fact. That's one problem with the Internet, it's sometimes hard to distinguish serious statements from tongue in cheek ones.
Author Nicole11 Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 So, I guess I need to tread lightly here, and figure out how to handle this with dignity. I will be there in a week. So, how do I handle the reunion? I know he does not know that I am 'on to his game' so to speak. Should I bring it up to him right away or wait untill he does? Either way, I need this dealt with.
Angel1111 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 (edited) So, I guess I need to tread lightly here, and figure out how to handle this with dignity. I will be there in a week. So, how do I handle the reunion? I know he does not know that I am 'on to his game' so to speak. Should I bring it up to him right away or wait untill he does? Either way, I need this dealt with. You need to deal with it right away. Either call him, or send an email back saying that, based on his email, you get the impression that he's currently dating Maria, and that he'd like to date others that his buddies set him up with. Let him know that if that's the case, you would prefer not to be with him. Again, I'm certain he's going to deny all of this so I wouldn't be too quick to believe him right away. He needs to explain why he sent such a stupid email if there was no truth in it. Edited February 1, 2010 by Angel1111
Author Nicole11 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 Well, I am here in Colorado - Beautiful by the way, any how, I am settled into my little apartment. Went out to dinner last night and had the talk:lmao:. here is how it went: I called to tell him I had made it. We set a time for dinner, I showed up - dressed to KILL. He kissed and hugged me tight. Said how wonderful I looked, how he missed me, blah blah, so we sat down and ordered a cocktail. Did some small talk, then, he starts telling me how we have to keep things quiet, keep a distance. Apparently, others were suspicious of us, ( who cares?, neither of us is married!! well details still working out for me). Then he tells me he rented a large apartment and would be having roommates - and one of them is a woman who was very much trying to get his attention from what i recall! Then he tells me everynow and then we can sneak off and get a hotel room! I am so hurt. What a fool I am!!!! So, I sat there, listening to all this ****. I said nothing, just listened to all this, like a knife going through my heart. I couldnt talk right away. Finally I said, well, I am not ok with that arrangement at all. Basically you are asking me to be your whore, infact that is what you have done already, I am sorry *** but that is not what I am about. I thought what we had was real, when all along I was nothing to you. Well, our 'relationship' is no more. Thank you for dinner, I will see you in the office in the morning. I got up and walked out. He was stunned to say the least. He called me last night and begged me, that he loved me, thats not how it is, I said, well either we are out in the open and honest or its not going to happen. He then tried again to explain why. I am very hurt. But in my heart, for me I know I did the right thing. He is trying so hard to try and get me back. Well today anyhow. I told him it is simple, I told you my terms and they are non negotiable. This is so painfull. He is so handsome, and in the office today, to watch all the women first notice him (very handsome) then start flirting, it is killing me. BUT, I looked great, and he kept looking at me. I said nothing and went about getting the office up and running...with a lump in my throat. I kept things professional and I left without saying good bye. He has called me 3 times already. I am crushed, I need this job, I have looked, there is nothing available whereby I can support myself and my life. Will this get any better? Ahhhhh. So, now what is he going to do? I know he was angry when one of the designers came in and talked and flirted with ME, but I didnt flirt back. I have learned my lesson.
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 It will get better. The lowest point is learning the truth and you are past that. Just keep going. Don't settle for less than what you want. Be open to spending time with another man -even if it's an innocent night out. Why isn't he concerned how it will look for him to have a female roommate?
Angel1111 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 OMG! You deserve an award for that performance. Good for you, girl, for being so perfectly direct and not budging on your standards. I love it, love it, love it. He doesn't know what to do with himself because he has probably never had a woman stand up to him like that. I cannot believe that he expected you to be ok with that situation. It was completely ridiculous and disrespectful to you. I'm so glad you set him straight. I'm so proud of you. Keep it up and be strong while you're there. Feel good that you have shown him how much you value yourself. I wish more people would do this kind of thing when people treat them wrong.
D-Lish Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Never settle for being anyone's "secret". If he truly loved you, he'd be elated to announce that you guys are dating. I suspect he wants to keep things on the down-low in order to keep up the appearance of being available. That's a huge red flag. He also feels the need to announce to you (every chance he gets) that other women are attracted to him- what a giant turn off that should be for you! I know you love him, but after suffering through a bad marriage- the last thing you need is to be involved with another unreliable, ego driven man who obviously doesn't respect you.... That's why it's up to you to respect yourself and make the right choice. It's very hard to date after a long marriage- but there is a kind, loving man out there for you that wouldn't even consider asking you to be a secret. That's the type of man you deserve, so please don't settle for less.
Author Nicole11 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 (edited) Well it has been an interesting few days. He has been polite and quite charming and nice to me at the office. Complimenting me, etc. he insists that he truly loves me, and that we need to be careful as so many people were 'on' to us from the last place. (No I have not caved in) I have been polite back, I think he is correct on that point of people knowing. I am getting a few smug looks. I just pretend I dont notice and go about my work. I have noticed he has most certainly distanced himself from me publicly, but when we are alone? He is right there. Last night I went out to dinner with some of the people from the office, as we were readying ourselves to leave, I stood up and was putting my coat on, I looked up and across the room looking right at me, there he was, with his 'buddy' and two women. (one of course was the woman who is renting a room from him) It felt like a knife going through my heart. I turned around and exited quickly. He called me as soon as he could last night and of course, they are just friends, all that. I let him talk, then just said, no explanation is needed, I have to go. and hung up. He tried calling back a few more times, I did not answer. Then he started texing me telling me he loved me, he really loves me, but we just cant be seen in public. what ever. what is this about? what is he doing? I feel like crap enough and he just keeps kicking at my. Why is he saying all this? It is like a knife going in my heart. WHY does he keep saying he loves me? I am getting more confused. Could he mean it? Edited February 5, 2010 by Nicole11 to clarify a statement.
alphamale Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Could he mean it? no, he could not mean it....you don't "hide" people you love
Author Nicole11 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 So, I would love to rip his heart out! Anyway I could knock him off his lying , manipulating perch? Just once? I would love to make him feel like crap, just once. I know, I know its childish, and game playing. I wouldnt do anything anyways. But the thought sure makes me smile. He gets upset and makes comments about one of the architects that I have been working with the past few days, comments like, "are you into him?" "Is that the kind of guy you like?". I roll my eyes and dont acknowledge those questions. I thought that meant he was jealous. Just more games huh?
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