I want out, but am afraid. . .

[minutebyminute]

I have posted on other threads, but I am here now.

I don't want to be married to my H anymore. We had a "thing" along time ago, but it isn't there anymore.

 

We have two gorgeous smart children. They mostly adore their father due to my lack of attention to them for the past year. I had an affair, it ended not because I wanted it to, but because it was the best thing to do for the kids.

 

I have tried so hard, but it isn't there anymore. He isn't the one. I have nothing. We lost our business last year, our estate, everything. We live nicely even thou we have nothing, but there is nothing or I feel nothing for my H anymore.

 

I am afraid. I don't know how to go about this. I don't even have a job right now. I just know I am so unhappy and I "think" being away from him would be better than living the life I am living right now.

 

My kids will hate me. It will be so hard on them. I want a shot at life and love again. I've tried so hard, I just want to be whole again, I will never feel that way if I stay in this situation. It's not horrible, I live in a nice house, I have everything I need, I want for nothing, I just know inside I want more, that he cannot give me. This goes way beyond what I am telling in this post. He was horrible to me for so many years, after the affair, it was different. But now, it is all the same.

 

I have become generic. I have lost my luster for life. I cannot even listen to music. I just want to sleep, I'm not even a good parent right now.

 

I have no idea how I would make it on my own with 2 kids, but I do know it would be better FOR ME than what i am living right now. FOR ME not my kids. My H has no idea I even feel this way, or does he and he is afraid too.

 

I've talked with him, asked him to let me go, would he feel better if he woke up an I wasn't there, he had no reply. It always seems so complicted, so intense, so unrealistic, but this is my life.

 

 

I have no where to go, again no job or prospect. What in the hell do I do?

I just want to be happy again, by myself and maybe in the future with someone who really loves me.

 

Anyone feel like this or been thru this?

[Angel1111]

I think I can relate to what you're feeling. I was married to someone who made me feel that way. I felt like he was sucking every ounce of my energy and, after awhile, I had nothing left. For the longest time, I just couldn't put my finger on what was missing but after I left him, I was able to see more clearly why I felt the way I did. My sister calls him the 'benevolent manipulator' because he always seems nice when he says or does something, but control and manipulation is always behind it. I left him about 16 yrs ago and, to this day, I can barely have more than a 5 min conversation with him before I want to bolt. He alienates everyone in his life, though, so it's not just me.

 

A few things though. First of all, you need to start being a better parent or you're going to lose custody of your kids. You really don't want that to happen. Not only that, you're making them feel unwanted and unloved. Don't indulge these feelings you have when you're supposed to be giving attention to your kids. As a parent, you really don't have that right. When you're alone and have time to yourself, then spend that time thinking about your troubles. Secondly, if you're in the same position as I was with my ex, then you'll understand when I say that I had to leave. In my mind, I felt that if I didn't leave, then I would die. And if I didn't die literally, I would die figuratively. So, leaving was my only option.

 

Since then, I've been through a few relationships and I'm still single and am not seeing anyone. My son is now 19 and in college. So, don't walk away thinking that you're going to find that perfect guy. You may not. Am I sorry I left that marriage? No. Leaving gives you a shot at a better relationship, true, but don't leave thinking it's a sure thing. You may not. But, you have to ask yourself, if you leave and never find anyone, will that be better than staying where you are? There's your answer.

[Tethys]

MinByMin - My heart goes out to you. I'm in a relationship that also gets me down and I don't have the courage to leave, but I'm also not married with kids. I wonder if a therapist (I would recommend one that is very goal-oriented and uses CBT) wouldn't help you sort out what you want to do next and help you implement whatever steps you need to make next.

[jesslindy]

I have posted on other threads, but I am here now.

I don't want to be married to my H anymore. We had a "thing" along time ago, but it isn't there anymore.

 

I like how you call your marraige a "thing". What the hell did you get married for?

 

We have two gorgeous smart children. They mostly adore their father due to my lack of attention to them for the past year. I had an affair, it ended not because I wanted it to, but because it was the best thing to do for the kids.

 

They should adore their father, he stayed home with them while you were cheating. Children are smarter than most people think. They even know you are empty.

 

I have tried so hard, but it isn't there anymore. He isn't the one. I have nothing. We lost our business last year, our estate, everything. We live nicely even thou we have nothing, but there is nothing or I feel nothing for my H anymore.

 

Wow, you waited to leave for good after you lose the estate. Typical.

 

I have become generic. I have lost my luster for life. I cannot even listen to music. I just want to sleep, I'm not even a good parent right now.

 

The above statement has absolutley nothing to do with your husband. You're the empty one, don't blame him.

 

I have no where to go, again no job or prospect. What in the hell do I do?

 

Your entire post is summed up in this sentence. Reading your post has not given me any hope for the world. Reading your post has brought back anger inside me I haven't felt for some time. Please do not marry again, you will never be happy with a husband, spare the next man, PLEASE.

 

Anyone feel like this or been thru this?

 

Yes, I have, only on your husbands side of things. You are probably going to get alot Sh*t about your post. Go find the category "Im an unhappy cheater", if it exists, and post there. I am repulsed.

[mimidarlin]

I am not a mother. I was waiting until the time was "right". Until we were both comfortable making the decision. Then I was diagnosed with a reproductive disease that took an ovary and leaves in crippling pain every month. Now I'm 37 and separated from my husband. I begged him to try and get me pregnant even if I had to go to a fertility specialist. He said yes at first but then recanted. I can't really blame him for withdrawing that offer. I sit here thinking about losing my father, my marriage, my best friend and the chance to have a baby or adopt one. While you walk away from your family.

 

This isn't the first time that I have read about a woman of my age feeling unhappy in her life and looking outside of it for fulfillment. Unfortunately you tear apart your family and crush their hearts. You are so lucky to have children. If you are unhappy in your marriage then work on it or leave but don't have an affair. You left for the other man and now are desperately searching for meaning in your life. You, you, you, you, you!!!!!!! Cheating is so self centered. It hurts for a marriage or relationship to die but it's worse when one of you kills it.

 

Leave your husband and get a job or go to college. But above all...do not desert your children. If you don't work on repairing your relationship with them now you may never get another chance. They will never see you the same because of your behavior but maybe you can work at earning their respect back.

[minutebyminute]

I often say this when I post on LS, be very specific when airing your laundry.

There are a lot of people reading trying to find their own answers and some that can read thru the lines.

 

My life with my husband has always been tumultuous. He has beaten me physically, emotionally raped me, and physiologically beaten me up for years, it wasn't until he got on meds that the most horrid stopped. We, I worked on our relationship. Then I got pregnant, after ten years of marriage. He wanted me to "get rid of IT" I told him to **** OFF, I will raise it alone, He got his **** together, and my daughter became the love of his life. He got his **** together, we had another baby girl. Time has passed and he is still the empty person he was before. He does not EVER try to abuse me, that ended a long time ago, more details if you want, but I am tired. I want to be alone. I want someone MAYBE in the future who will love me for me. I know I have left lots out, but would be willing to answer anyone's questions. I just don't want to hurt anymore.

 

To all of you who responded negatively, I didn't give enough information for you to form an opinion, don't be angry with me, I need help right now. You feel like ****, I feel like ****, we hurt, what is an answer? I need thought and clarity right now, not ridicule. I want the best for all, if I was your sister, you would listen to me, I am asking for help, I have been honest and will be if you ask what it is you want. Put your best efforts forth, and feelings of hatred aside. I want what you all want, to feel whole again.

[Angel1111]

Sweetie, you just need to get out of that relationship. Plain and simple. He makes you feel dead, and tired. People like this will just suck the life out of you. You lost all respect for him a LONG time ago, for a very good reason.

 

What is it you're afraid of if you leave? Are you afraid that he'll become violent again? Do you think he'll try to get custody of the kids? Have you looked for a job? If you've been married to him for awhile, you may get some alimony if the two of you divorce. Maybe the first step would be talking to a lawyer to get some advice. Many of the offer free consultations.

[vangel2]

I am so sorry that you had to go through that with your husband. It's really hard when the man you once loved or adore turns out to be a horrible man after awhile. I have been in your situation where my husband abused me verbally, emotionally, & physically. So I feel your pain & fustration. I know how it eventually lead to an emotional affair, even though I know it was wrong on my part to engage into one bc it just end up hurting both my H & the OM. What I came to realize was that I knew that I was blaming my unhappiness with my husband...and maybe part of it was because I never felt he was sincere in his apologies on how he treated me, because it would happen again. You already mentioned that you weren't quite happy with the OM & you're not happy with the H. Maybe what you're looking for is not in the men in your life, but something that's more deeper or more meaningful. For me, it was my relationship with God. I don't know if you have a personal relationship with God, but that emptiness that you feel everyday can only be filled by HIM. I am so happy now because I know me & my husband is separated for a reason... and that is bc I was straying away from God. I have blamed my H for my unhappiness & I was so focused on him to change. But you can't change anyone but you can change yourself. You can make yourself a better person. You have children who love you unconditionally. You are living & breathing life, so embrace it. I am not judging you & if you're not a Christian, that's your choice to make. But I'm just sharing my experience, because I can relate to your pain & suffering inside. Hope you find true happiness...Remember, you only have one life to live...make the most of it.

[Angel1111]

I am so sorry that you had to go through that with your husband. It's really hard when the man you once loved or adore turns out to be a horrible man after awhile. I have been in your situation where my husband abused me verbally, emotionally, & physically. So I feel your pain & fustration. I know how it eventually lead to an emotional affair, even though I know it was wrong on my part to engage into one bc it just end up hurting both my H & the OM. What I came to realize was that I knew that I was blaming my unhappiness with my husband...and maybe part of it was because I never felt he was sincere in his apologies on how he treated me, because it would happen again. You already mentioned that you weren't quite happy with the OM & you're not happy with the H. Maybe what you're looking for is not in the men in your life, but something that's more deeper or more meaningful. For me, it was my relationship with God. I don't know if you have a personal relationship with God, but that emptiness that you feel everyday can only be filled by HIM. I am so happy now because I know me & my husband is separated for a reason... and that is bc I was straying away from God. I have blamed my H for my unhappiness & I was so focused on him to change. But you can't change anyone but you can change yourself. You can make yourself a better person. You have children who love you unconditionally. You are living & breathing life, so embrace it. I am not judging you & if you're not a Christian, that's your choice to make. But I'm just sharing my experience, because I can relate to your pain & suffering inside. Hope you find true happiness...Remember, you only have one life to live...make the most of it.

 

So, what are you saying? That because you 'strayed from God', your husband beat you? Or that you deserved it? I hope you're not serious.

 

Abusive men deserve to be cheated on. They deserve evry bad thing that happens to them. You had every reason to blame him - he was physically and verbally abusing you. Please do not make excuses for these men or accept any blame. The only blame you have is staying with such a person. I think these men are like pit bulls - they all should be exterminated. They have no respect for other people and will resort to anything to get what they want.

[allina]

MinByMin - My heart goes out to you.

 

How can your heart possibly go out to her? She cheated on her husband, neglected her children, and the only reason she isn't leaving is because she wants to keep the house and lifestyle while not working for any of it :sick:

[Angel1111]

How can your heart possibly go out to her? She cheated on her husband, neglected her children, and the only reason she isn't leaving is because she wants to keep the house and lifestyle while not working for any of it :sick:

 

So, it's totally excusable that her husband abused her? Yeah, you're right. She should just suck that up and be happy with this guy. He's a real gem.

[Chingaling]

Hello Minute... I have been a place similar to where you are now. I wonder if you should please ask your doctor to adjust your meds... different people react differently to certain prescriptions, and it may well be that your prescription is either not strong enough to combat your depression or is having the effect of deadening your emotions, making you feel hollow inside... There is a difference between not being happy and feeling unhappy...that's where the depression comes in. Anyone who has not experienced it has no idea how horrible it feels and how hard it is to overcome. Depression also has the effect of somehow making an individual incapable of making even the smallest decision or completing the easiest chore. It can literally incapacitate a person, leaving them unable to move forward or enjoy the life they have.

 

You may have to try a few different products until you find the one that makes you feel the most like your old self. Once you are up on your feet you will be in a much better position to reassess your situation without the anxiety that can accompany depression and take the steps necessary to resolve your situation. At the very least, the right medication will allow you to cope with day to day occurrences.

 

I wish you all the best, Minute... you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.

 

Added: Crap! H was on meds - which calmed him down. Minute, my apologies - so much for my speed reading skills. Advice stands though - please see your doctor and let him know how you are feeling - be honest - if you can't cope right now he may be able to give you something to get you through...

Edited February 1, 2010 by Chingaling
Added...

[Chingaling]

So, what are you saying? That because you 'strayed from God', your husband beat you? Or that you deserved it? I hope you're not serious.

 

Abusive men deserve to be cheated on. They deserve evry bad thing that happens to them. You had every reason to blame him - he was physically and verbally abusing you. Please do not make excuses for these men or accept any blame. The only blame you have is staying with such a person. I think these men are like pit bulls - they all should be exterminated. They have no respect for other people and will resort to anything to get what they want.

 

Angel, I second the motion. Minute has likely put up with more than we will ever know... who we marry can make us or break us - it changes the whole direction our lives take and sometimes it changes us too.... She is obviously in pain right now. Accusing her of being materialistic is not the answer...

[vangel2]

So, what are you saying? That because you 'strayed from God', your husband beat you? Or that you deserved it? I hope you're not serious.

 

Abusive men deserve to be cheated on. They deserve evry bad thing that happens to them. You had every reason to blame him - he was physically and verbally abusing you. Please do not make excuses for these men or accept any blame. The only blame you have is staying with such a person. I think these men are like pit bulls - they all should be exterminated. They have no respect for other people and will resort to anything to get what they want.

 

I used to drive my husband crazy bc I was trying to change him to be a better husband. This eventually led him to become abusive, but I'm not saying that I am the one to blame for his actions. What I was trying to point out was that I was so focused on him to change and when he didn't I became unhappy & I was trying to fill that with something other than my relationship with God. My emotional affair was not the answer. It was wrong on my part... two wrongs don't make a right. I still see goodness in my husband...but over the years, his heart became like stone & turning into a man I didn't recognize. So, hopefully, with this separation, he will be able to see himself for who he's become & hopefully want to change for himself. Until then, I'm still praying for him...

[Angel1111]

Advice stands though - please see your doctor and let him know how you are feeling - be honest - if you can't cope right now he may be able to give you something to get you through...

 

I think drugs are way over-used. Unless a person just simply can't cope, then they need to really think about this before going down that road. People don't learn to just deal with their emotions anymore.

[Angel1111]

Hello Minute... I have been a place similar to where you are now.

 

Chingaling, I hope you're doing ok. If you get a chance, give us an update on your situation in a new post. I've been thinking about you. I hope things are going well.

[Angel1111]

I think drugs are way over-used. Unless a person just simply can't cope, then they need to really think about this before going down that road. People don't learn to just deal with their emotions anymore.

 

Oh...except for her abusive husband. He needs all the drugs he can get.

[mimidarlin]

MinutebyMinute,

I apologize for jumping to conclusions. You're right that there wasn't enough information. I interpreted your story as a woman unfulfilled. I projected some of my hurt and disappointment on to you. Please, accept my apology.

 

I'm sure that you are in a deep depression. You seem to be running on automatic and don't know how to live. I hope that you are able to find a way out and be safe.

 

Take care,

mimi

[minutebyminute]

I am on meds, and have been for about 13 years. I started on one, then another, then ended up on Zoloft. It works for me and I take a mega dose, I won't ever stop taking them, It's not my crutch, but I know me and my personality and I will probably need them for life, like some need to take vitamins or whatever.

 

I said I would give more info if needed. I don't have a job right now because we filed for bankruptcy, it's a complicated ordeal, don't really want to post to protect myself. When I was finally able to go out and get a job-guess what?

Credit checks, I some how lost my skills because of the economy and the business I had sucked every last penny out of me. I worked my Ass off while my husband sat home smoked weed, drank beer, worked in his garden, listened to music, drove around in his expensive car while I was in a beater.

 

I put that guy thru school while I was going to school. I got him a few catering jobs thru the rest I was working at while in school and made him make some money for us, but he just was "too" busy to work like a whore like I did.

 

I called my family for $ when everything went south, to get into a new home. We decided if we couldn't do much so we would get a nice house for the kids so they would have kids to play with etc. I am comfortable in my surroundings thank God, or I would probably be in really bad shape.

 

I told my H about the OM. I asked him for a divorce, this took place as everything was swirling down the pipes. It would have been easier to split then than it would be now. He refused. He told me everything I wanted to hear. I bit and now I am here living a lie and yes I am scared. I have supported my H with his new job, he hated it, but with my help he has turned that around. I have been selling my jewelry, clothes, etc. to put food on the table, that's all I could do while waiting to get past the bankruptcy.

 

Something in my head just keeps telling me to wait, the time is not right yet. My H is still my friend. I care deeply for him, but I can't live this lie forever, it is not fair to anyone, BUT at the same time, how can I ruin everyone's life being selfish? It is just a short life, but I married then I had kids and I owe it to them to give them a better life than I had.

 

That's about enough for right now, I feel a little sick.

[health]

I have posted on other threads, but I am here now.

I don't want to be married to my H anymore. We had a "thing" along time ago, but it isn't there anymore.

 

We have two gorgeous smart children. They mostly adore their father due to my lack of attention to them for the past year. I had an affair, it ended not because I wanted it to, but because it was the best thing to do for the kids.

 

I have tried so hard, but it isn't there anymore. He isn't the one. I have nothing. We lost our business last year, our estate, everything. We live nicely even thou we have nothing, but there is nothing or I feel nothing for my H anymore.

 

I am afraid. I don't know how to go about this. I don't even have a job right now. I just know I am so unhappy and I "think" being away from him would be better than living the life I am living right now.

 

My kids will hate me. It will be so hard on them. I want a shot at life and love again. I've tried so hard, I just want to be whole again, I will never feel that way if I stay in this situation. It's not horrible, I live in a nice house, I have everything I need, I want for nothing, I just know inside I want more, that he cannot give me. This goes way beyond what I am telling in this post. He was horrible to me for so many years, after the affair, it was different. But now, it is all the same.

 

I have become generic. I have lost my luster for life. I cannot even listen to music. I just want to sleep, I'm not even a good parent right now.

 

I have no idea how I would make it on my own with 2 kids, but I do know it would be better FOR ME than what i am living right now. FOR ME not my kids. My H has no idea I even feel this way, or does he and he is afraid too.

 

I've talked with him, asked him to let me go, would he feel better if he woke up an I wasn't there, he had no reply. It always seems so complicted, so intense, so unrealistic, but this is my life.

 

 

I have no where to go, again no job or prospect. What in the hell do I do?

I just want to be happy again, by myself and maybe in the future with someone who really loves me.

 

Anyone feel like this or been thru this?

 

 

Leave the marriage. Do him and yourself the favor. It looks like you married for the wrong reasons perhaps even material seduction. Once thta was lost you lost your feeling for him. You have to be happy with yourself first!

 

Running here, there etc...You have to find it within.

 

Thank god my relationship ended. As my ex was unemployed and unhappy.

This ended after 5 years - saved me a marriage and kids so the dammage is less. I know if I get married. We both have to be extremely solid!

 

All the best to you!

[ann09]

Hi, I could have written some of what you wrote. I feel what you're going through - but I need to tell you this - until you can wake up one day and realize that NO ONE can make you happy - and that you have to dig deep into your soul to realize that only YOU can make yourself happy - you won't get to where you want to be.

 

I too had an affair - and I want more than anything to spend forever with him as I had something with him I thought was never possible - and God willing maybe one day I will. But while I was sneaking around and lying to everyone on this earth - I lost myself in the process. I regret my actions - but not my feelings. They were very real.

 

I too feel dead in my marriage. I put on a hell of a good show though - and just recently have I wanted that show to end. Start by reaching out to real people in your life if you can. This forum is great for insight and knowledge - but you need to really LOOK at yourself and ask yourself what YOU want. I want to be a good mother first and foremost. I want to stop the lies and deceit. I want to sleep better at night and realize that while I might have screwed up royally in the past - I can control my future.

 

Never stay in a marriage if you feel dead. It will suck up your very soul. Not fair to you, your husband or your children. Take a stand and start living instead of hiding in bed.

 

I am going to take my own advice as well. I wish you the best of luck and happiness.