Star Gazer Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 This would make sense... It makes sense to me. When there's no connection, it's just blah.
Star Gazer Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I'm not convinced that shadow has intimacy issues. More an unrealized quality about her. There's someone inside who wants to connect but is afraid of hurt and doesn't completely know how to reach out, yet. That's the very definition of intimacy issues, IMO. There's a wall there... it may be glass, and capable of being shattered, but it's a wall nonetheless.
threebyfate Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 That's the very definition of intimacy issues, IMO. There's a wall there... it may be glass, and capable of being shattered, but it's a wall nonetheless.Maybe so, to a degree. The degree difference I see in shadow, is that she's unrealized v. deliberately putting up a wall. Gahhh...I'm seriously having problems putting into words, this sense I get from shadow.
Star Gazer Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Maybe so, to a degree. The degree difference I see in shadow, is that she's unrealized v. deliberately putting up a wall. Gahhh...I'm seriously having problems putting into words, this sense I get from shadow. I know what you're saying, and it is difficult to articulate. But I don't think it matters whether it's conscious or not. Fact is, she has difficulty building truly deep, intimate bonds with people - both male and female. Take her BF for example. She's afraid he'll stop loving her once he sees her for who she truly is, "flaws" and all. Is that an intimate relationship? One where she doesn't really let others know who she is? No. Rather, an intimate relationship involves allowing her to be exposed and fragile and vulnerable and yet feeling 100% secure. It's the whole thing about knowing they have the power to completely break your heart, but trusting that they never will. With this BF, and other people in her life, she doesn't let them close enough to ever be vulnerable... Thus, it's not intimate, and hence why she gets no pleasure out of a pretty intimate act.
threebyfate Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I'm not quite ready to pass that judgement on shadow. This relationship is pretty young and so are both shadow and her b/f. shadow's previous relationships weren't with the greatest guys and her b/f doesn't have much relationship experience. The more she learns to relax with him, especially considering that she opened up to him about her BDD and he was so empathetic, speaks well for both of them. But I do hear what you're saying StarGazer. If shadow and her b/f were in their thirties, I would fully agree with you.
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 This is different from the other member, who just blunders self-indulgently from one emotion to the next, incapable of empathy for others. Your perception on the bolded part is 100% incorrect.
Pyro Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Kissing is great, when done with the right person and done in the right way:love:
threebyfate Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Your perception on the bolded part is 100% incorrect.Do you know how to change this? There is a way.
OceanTropic Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I enjoy kissing alot, ONLY if the guy is a good kisser of course I think kissing is like extended foreplay, and thats hot!! I don't like getting right down to sex, cuz then I won't enjoy as much as opposed to when I long for it. I find kissing very intimate, because it's not being entirely 100% open (like sex) but it's not so trivial like hugging. Its the tip of the iceberg of getting close, and I like to linger there before I get too deep I guess I just enjoy the tease
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Do you know how to change this? There is a way. Change what? Do you mean become more emphatic?
threebyfate Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Change what? Do you mean become more emphatic?Amongst other things, yes.
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Amongst other things, yes. You are probably going to suggest counselling...
Star Gazer Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I'm not quite ready to pass that judgement on shadow. This relationship is pretty young and so are both shadow and her b/f. shadow's previous relationships weren't with the greatest guys and her b/f doesn't have much relationship experience. I'm not limiting her intimacy issues to her relationship with her BF... That's just an example. What about her other relationships? Family, friends... Those intimate bonds are also nonexistent, Shadow has so admitted.
threebyfate Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 You are probably going to suggest counselling...You don't believe in counselling so why would I suggest it to you? No one can get anything from counselling if they disbelieve that it can help and aren't willing to continually apply the coping tools suggested. It would be a complete waste of money for you, if you feel that way. Right now, your walls are up. Do you feel I mean you harm?
Star Gazer Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Also... I'm not "passing judgment," (that phrase has a particularly negative connotation) just stating what I've observed.
threebyfate Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I'm not limiting her intimacy issues to her relationship with her BF... That's just an example. What about her other relationships? Family, friends... Those intimate bonds are also nonexistent, Shadow has so admitted.That's why this relationship is so pivotal to shadow. It's her first healthy relationship. But once again, it's a young relationship that might or might not last forever. But with each healthy relationship, people learn from experience. Also, her b/f comes from an emotionally healthy family. This makes a good role model for shadow. Keep in mind that the shadow from before, has since evolved. She's making better choices in her life. I think she deserves the benefit of the doubt, since she's proven that she can change.
Els Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I'm quite perturbed by some of the responses here. Kissing is an act like any other - to some, an emotional act, to others, a sexual act... and to yet others, both. But why is it that someone who dislikes the ACT of kissing is automatically assumed to have intimacy issues, whereas someone who doesn't like virtually anything else - necking, spooning, lovebites, missionary, anal, S&M, threesomes.. is perfectly alright? Is it just because the number of people who enjoy kissing is greater than the number of people who enjoy anal, so that automatically translates to the person in the minority being incapable of intimacy? I honestly dislike kissing. And yes, there is a reason for it - I'm OCD about another person's saliva touching my mouth. It has NOTHING to do with intimacy for me. I love oral sex, I love running my lips and tongue over anywhere else on my SO's body and having him do the same on me... I just cannot take someone else's saliva. It's alright when there's food to mask the taste, but even sharing a bottle of water, I do not like. While I find that rather excessive and I do my best to just toughen up and ignore it, I find no reason why I should do the same for kissing, because it wouldn't be fun for the guy if I did it that way. And guess what - none of the guys I've been with have truly minded all that much. The current bf and I have no intimacy problems whatsoever... because intimacy is what two people want it to be, about their feelings and connection. It isn't lessened just because kissing isn't in the picture.
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I agree that Shadow has evolved. I feel that she is in a happy and healthy relationship and her obsessivness and over-analysis will diminish as she relaxes further. I have also noticed that she has again started refering to herself as physically attractive and because of BDD she repeatedly felt ugly when she was with her jerk ex bf. This is further evidence that the current bf is good for her. I think that Shadow is on the right path.
Star Gazer Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I'm quite perturbed by some of the responses here. You mean MY responses. It's okay, no need to dance around it... And no need to get so defensive. Your reasons are quite different than Shadow's, as are your experiences. My comments were not directed at the population on the whole, but HER as this is her thread. Not everyone who doesn't enjoy kissing has intimacy issues. But IMO, those who have intimacy issues ARE less likely to find pleasure in intimate acts. Seeing as I think Shadow still struggles with true intimacy, that was my suggestion for why she may not enjoy the intimate act of kissing.
Itzo Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Has nothing to do with the guy. It's an activity that has never done anything for me. It doesn't make me feel more attracted or intimate, particularly french kissing. I far prefer cuddling, touching and sex. In fact I find kissing incredibly boring for the most part. Any other women feel this way? Look back in the past, and try to figure out WHY you do not like kissing ... the answer will pop up ... work from then on. I think it is an issue you have to work on, if you want to overcome it. haha I sound like some psychiatrist that's nuts ... I am sooo into it Maybe you had unpleasant past experience that someone kissed you, and you felt weird ... and from then on, you avoiding & not enjoying kissing the person you are interested in.
zebracolors Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Put me down as one who enjoys kissing. I see it as not only an expression of love, new and old, but also trust. And its true the kiss is so multi purpose, as it can also be a nice prelude to further intimacy. But to each their own.
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 You mean MY responses. It's okay, no need to dance around it... And no need to get so defensive. Your reasons are quite different than Shadow's, as are your experiences. My comments were not directed at the population on the whole, but HER as this is her thread. Not everyone who doesn't enjoy kissing has intimacy issues. But IMO, those who have intimacy issues ARE less likely to find pleasure in intimate acts. Seeing as I think Shadow still struggles with true intimacy, that was my suggestion for why she may not enjoy the intimate act of kissing. SG was taking into account Shadow's numerous past threads and posts and she appears to have intimacy issues. I beleive that she (Shadow) is closer to working them out than ever before. Time will tell though.
Author shadowplay Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 I just want to add that I do like facial contact. If I really like a guy, I love pressing my forehead against his and peering into his eyes or stroking the outline of his cheeks. Really light kissing can also turn me on, when it's done in a teasing way. It's the full-blown french kissing that bores me most, because I can't really see his eyes and my mind is just focused on the inside of his mouth...which is less interesting to me. This has always been true for me, so I doubt it has much to do with the guys I've dated.
Hot Carl Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I think I sort of agree with you, Shadow. It's the light kisses that have the most effect. As far as "french" kissing goes (I'm not sure why they get all the credit for it) it's also good if it's light touching of the tongue and a little playful. You shouldn't stay there too long. Otherwise it's a bit oppressive and also it loses its purpose. Not sure if that makes sense. I'd be happy to show you.
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I like light kissing and face touching too. But deep french kissing doesn't do much for me unless I am super horny.
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