For those who don't believe in second chances

[madrugada]

Well, I never thought I’d be posting in the second chances forum, but here I am.

 

Whether this is a second chance or not, I don’t know. At this point the door seems wide open.

 

I’ve told my story in previous threads, but for a recap, my fiancee left me at the end of October, and I honestly thought she was through.

 

Like many of you, I never kept up strict no contact; we stayed in touch with the occasional text message, and a bill we shared gave us an excuse to get together once a month to settle it over supper in a nice restaurant.

 

The longest I stayed with NC was about three weeks before the holidays, but two days before Christmas I heard about the new guy she was with, broke down and contacted her and we had an exchange that brought me down pretty low.

 

Throughout the months after the breakup, I followed all the advice given on this forum: I focused on myself, exercised, got involved in activities to take my mind off my sorrow.

 

And like many of you, I wrote my ex a letter detailing everything I loved about her and everything I missed after she was gone. I never begged for her back; it was basically a last goodbye. After sitting on the letter for a month (I posted it on this forum in November - you can find it if you look up my threads) I sent it to her just before the new year.

 

So the holidays were difficult, but I got through them. After the new year things started to go my way, both at work and in my personal life. I started dating another girl (who I’ve since broken it off with) and things just took off. After the pain I went through being dumped, I had a new perspective on life. So the clutch goes out on my car? F**k it. That’s nothing. Bad day at work? I can handle it. Snow storm and I have to go to work an hour early? No problem.

 

Fast forward to one night a couple of weeks ago, when my ex and I got together over sushi to settle our shared bill. My attitude was different, we talked and laughed and had a great time together, just like old times. She commented on how much fun we were having, just sharing time together. I didn’t read too much into it.

 

So comes last night. We made plans to get together for a steak dinner and settle up our bill, maybe shoot some pool like we always used to do. So I picked her up, took her to this little dive bar that has the best KC strips in town, and we started talking. Just about lightweight things, what we’ve been up to, etc.

 

Then we go to the bar we always used to go to where we play pool, and we had a blast, sharking everybody in the bar because we have this dynamic between us when we play (I know this sounds stupid.)

 

I went into it with no expectations, no hope for anything other than a good time. We were sitting there having a beer when she mentioned she had a response to the letter I had written her, but she just wanted to say it. But not at the bar.

 

So we went back to my place, she sat down on the couch we used to share and said for me to come sit next to her. I won’t rehash the conversation but for the first time ever she broke down and cried in front of me.

Some of the things she said:

 

"I thought I was strong. I thought I was over you but I’m not."

 

"I didn’t think I would miss you, but every day I miss you more."

 

"All the reasons I left you seem so far away now."

 

"It was wrong of me to expect you to play by a set of rules, and not to tell you what those rules are."

 

"You were the first guy I ever really wanted to make a life with."

 

"On the outside I’m okay but inside I’ve been dying without you."

 

Then, of course, we ended up making out madly on the couch, tearing at each others’ clothes. I ended it by saying we should stop. It was a moment I’ve fantasized about for months, never thought it would happen, and when it did it was a level of scary I didn’t want to approach.

 

I offered to take her home, but she didn’t want to go. We laid side by side in the bed we used to share and just held each other, talked all night about what went wrong with us and all the things we wish we could have done differently. I told her that she knows where I stand, that I love her as much as I ever did, that if she wants to try to start over I’d consider it but at the same time I’m not going to waste my time pining for someone who doesn’t want me.

 

We stayed in bed until one in the afternoon, spooning. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Just like old times. We made plans to hang out again soon.

 

I drove her to her new place, dropped her off and told her to call me.

 

I never in a million years dreamed I would hear the things she said and we would do the things we did.

 

But damnit, it felt so good just to hold her again.

 

But I’m not getting my hopes up.

[dietpepsi]

Very inspiring. Stick to your guns about you what you want in all of this, and hopefully it will work out in the long run for you.

 

For me, it's good to hear all the tough (good) love this forum has to offer, it's also nice to hear uplifting stories such as this.

 

Keep us updated.

[David V.]

Pity this place does not seem to have a reputation system.......I would have repped you nonstop for that beautiful story. It fits with my beliefs very well.

[GrayClouds]

Mad remember that despite how good things are feeling, she did walk away from you. If you was to return to a realtionship you need more then just a change of mind from her. Because not only the reason she left matters the fact is how she choose to respond to the problems is an issue.

 

A question to ask yourself and her why did she feel walking away was the best way to handle the problems? What work has she done to understand why she choose that behavior rather then a more constructive behavior? And finally has that work been enough to keep her from repeating that poor behavior?

 

Remember your own worth. Your love is a very specially thing and you should have high expectations from those who receive it. You need to be confident that she is not just lonely but as grown enough to true care for your love.

 

I wish you well.

[McGrupp]

grayclouds bringing the greyclouds...

 

let me just say that you having dinner with her is this whole thing. without that i think you wouldve had no chance. good luck. and i mean you had some good luck.

[madrugada]

I think you're right McGrupp. I went into the night with no expectations, and we had a good time.

 

Grayclouds, thanks once again for the perspective. We did talk a lot about why she left and why she chose to deal with things the way she did.

 

At this point, I don't even know if I want to get back together. I've backed off the last few days to give myself time to think.

 

I'll tell you what, though. If I were never to see or talk to her again, I'll still feel 100 percent better after hearing her say the things she said. She answered all the questions I was torturing myself with in the month after she left.

 

I'm just going to take it a moment at a time.

 

Thank you all for listening.

[madrugada]

I've been thinking a lot (of course) about our conversation the other night, and it struck me that she seems to be going through the exact same feelings I went through last fall, immediately after she moved out.

 

At first, it was easy for her to put me out of her mind because she had a new place to live and was busy making new friends. I had to stay here and confront my pain, having to make "our" place back into "my" place. It took a while, and there were times at my lowest when I wanted to put my brains to the wall, but I've mostly gotten through the worst of it.

 

So three months after the fact, it's starting to hit her, this waterfall of emotions.

 

I will say I'm wary. I won't be toyed with. I don't like games. We left each other without a definite commitment to try to get back together, and I didn't press the issue at all. I just listened to what she had to say and tried to be there for her. It was a moment all dumpees hope for, the chance to hear all the things they wanted to hear for so long.

 

In any case, is it wrong for me to feel a bit vindicated? Smug, even?

[p_spot]

Please continue to update this as things progress. This part of your story sounds like mine to a certain degree (although I haven't sent a letter out and don't plan to), and I'd like to have hope that it could at least BEGIN to turn around as yours has.

 

Thanks for the lift!

 

As far as feeling vindicated or smug, remember that this is a NEW relationship going forward. You can't, or shouldn't, bring into it negative emotions carried over from the previous incarnation. Rather than feeling smug about it, feel proud that someone who you obviously love feels the same way about you, and sees you for the person you wanted her to. Pride and joy are much better than schadenfreude or smugness.

[madrugada]

Thanks p spot. I remember reading your posts back in December, and there are similarities (except my ex lives five blocks away instead of in another city.) By the way did you see her in January? Anything new to report?

 

And yeah, I’ll try to keep the schadenfreude to a minimum; I really wouldn’t want to wish on anyone the pain I went through in October. That kind of negativity I’ve been trying to shed. Just the fact that I got through it and can look back on it has made me realize I’m stronger than I ever thought I was.

 

About the letter. Most of the advice on this forum is against sending that last letter. I wrote it, posted it on this forum, sat on it for a month and finally sent it in a moment of weakness over the holidays, when she indicated that she "missed what we had."

 

The thing about these letters is that you have to be in the right state of mind. You can’t send them wanting to provoke a response or to hope they’ll see you differently. You can’t beg, or cajole, or berate. My letter was a goodbye, a list of what I loved about her and what I missed. I never hoped for or expected a reply or a second chance; in my mind once she decided to leave that was it. She’s a headstrong girl and once she makes up her mind about something that’s all there is. So I thought.

 

And I never expected it to, but the letter I wrote did seem to soften her up somewhat. She told me the other night that it was everything she’d ever wanted to hear a guy say to her.

 

As Nabakov said, Fondle the details.

 

Anyway, I’m wary for many reasons. One is that, as she describes it, she

has ADD when it comes to guys. I knew her for about four years before we actually started dating and I know that’s the case. She’ll date someone for a couple of months and then lose interest. Until she was with me, she never dated anyone for more than about three months. And it’s only been since October, but she’s already done with rebound #2.

 

But when we were together, until she left, I was her whole world, she told me. This gives me hope but at the same time, like GrayClouds said, she did leave. I’m not going to pin my hopes on someone who’s just going to leave me again when the sh*t falls.

 

I’m also cautious because part of the reason she left is because she’s

finishing her master’s degree and doesn’t know where she will be even six months from now. She’s vacillating on whether she wants to figure things out on her own. The plan when we were engaged was that we would leave together (we both want to get out of this town) but she’s very independent, and she might decide just to do it alone. And then the age difference, which never was a problem. She’s 25, ten years younger than I am. She is smart and beautiful, and gets a LOT of attention from guys. I never was jealous when we were together, because she was so devoted to me, but now it just kills me, thinking about her with someone else.

 

I’m being extremely careful. There’s a chink in her armor, but I’m playing it cool.

[HeavenOrHell]

Ooh, jealous doesn't even cover it! You lucky thing!

I really hope things work out with you two.

I agree about the letter sending. I have sent two, but none of it was written on impulse, I sat on them a while before sending them, and took bits away and added other bits, some of the stuff I want to say one minute might make me cringe horribly if I re-read it a few days later! Begging letters are a big no no I agree.

I was never jealous or insecure when I was with my ex, but I am now he's gone and he has lots of adoring female friends

Anyway, all the best

 

 

 

Thanks p spot. I remember reading your posts back in December, and there are similarities (except my ex lives five blocks away instead of in another city.) By the way did you see her in January? Anything new to report?

 

And yeah, I’ll try to keep the schadenfreude to a minimum; I really wouldn’t want to wish on anyone the pain I went through in October. That kind of negativity I’ve been trying to shed. Just the fact that I got through it and can look back on it has made me realize I’m stronger than I ever thought I was.

 

About the letter. Most of the advice on this forum is against sending that last letter. I wrote it, posted it on this forum, sat on it for a month and finally sent it in a moment of weakness over the holidays, when she indicated that she "missed what we had."

 

The thing about these letters is that you have to be in the right state of mind. You can’t send them wanting to provoke a response or to hope they’ll see you differently. You can’t beg, or cajole, or berate. My letter was a goodbye, a list of what I loved about her and what I missed. I never hoped for or expected a reply or a second chance; in my mind once she decided to leave that was it. She’s a headstrong girl and once she makes up her mind about something that’s all there is. So I thought.

 

And I never expected it to, but the letter I wrote did seem to soften her up somewhat. She told me the other night that it was everything she’d ever wanted to hear a guy say to her.

 

As Nabakov said, Fondle the details.

 

Anyway, I’m wary for many reasons. One is that, as she describes it, she

has ADD when it comes to guys. I knew her for about four years before we actually started dating and I know that’s the case. She’ll date someone for a couple of months and then lose interest. Until she was with me, she never dated anyone for more than about three months. And it’s only been since October, but she’s already done with rebound #2.

 

But when we were together, until she left, I was her whole world, she told me. This gives me hope but at the same time, like GrayClouds said, she did leave. I’m not going to pin my hopes on someone who’s just going to leave me again when the sh*t falls.

 

I’m also cautious because part of the reason she left is because she’s

finishing her master’s degree and doesn’t know where she will be even six months from now. She’s vacillating on whether she wants to figure things out on her own. The plan when we were engaged was that we would leave together (we both want to get out of this town) but she’s very independent, and she might decide just to do it alone. And then the age difference, which never was a problem. She’s 25, ten years younger than I am. She is smart and beautiful, and gets a LOT of attention from guys. I never was jealous when we were together, because she was so devoted to me, but now it just kills me, thinking about her with someone else.

 

I’m being extremely careful. There’s a chink in her armor, but I’m playing it cool.

[kwyser]

You did everything right. You lived your own life, focused on yourself, and didn't worry about her. And what happened? She came back. This happens all the time.

 

And you continue to do the right hing by not getting your hopes up. Congratulations on handling your break up so well.

[madrugada]

Hey folks thanks for your good wishes.

 

HeavenorHell, I’ve followed your posts for months and I have to say I’m sorry for your situation. Eighteen years is a long time to be with someone, and it sounds like he left for a lot of the same reasons my ex left me. I got stressed and pulled away emotionally, and she couldn’t handle it. Only difference is my relationship was eighteen months. The longest I’ve ever been with anybody was five years. Took me about two years to get over that, and I’m the one who left her. (My first ex-fiancee)

 

So. Misgivings. I’ve been thinking a lot the past couple of days about everything. After the shock/elation of hearing my ex say all those things, I’ve been thinking about what she put me through, and flags keep popping up. I don’t know if I want to open the door again to the kind of pain she’s put me through.

 

It’s so true what everybody keeps stressing on this forum, especially Caliguy, Grayclouds, etc., that if you work on yourself and live life on your own terms, IF they come back they will when you don’t want them anymore.

 

That’s turning into my situation. Thinking about it, there were red flags going back to even before things got bad. She always bragged about how I was the first guy she was with who she never cheated on. Ego boost, yeah, but it was only a matter of time. Just that it took her 18 months to cheat on me instead of 3.

 

So she broke up with me, hooked up with her guitar instructor (who used to be my friend), cheats on him after a month, hooks up with another guy, then cheats on that guy with me just the other night.

 

Sitting back and looking objectively at the circumstances, I have come to the conclusion that this girl is f**king bats.

 

I’m not going back. I’m through. Better things to do with my life.

 

Peace to you all. And much love.