Third Chance - My Personal Hell

[LoveOrb]

I would love to post my entire story, but right now its a little hard on me to start remembering those times without going back into a downward spiral...

 

Long story short(ish)

 

She's my first serious relationship, first in pretty much everything you can think of. For me it was love at first sight, for her it took a little bit but won her over. Fast forward four years, she moved in with me at my parents, we moved out, she broke up with me towards the end of our 12 month lease. I got her back by somehow doing all the wrong things. I didnt change the RIGHT things about myself that I should have and we are here today, she broke up with me about 9 months later, Jan 13th.

 

I've been breaking all of the NC rules with desperation in my tone regardless of how I contacted her. I'm finally realizing that this time won't be like the first break up. She's moving on without me, she gave me that stupid third chance hope of "I'm not sure if I will get back with you, only time will tell." I've been clinging to that for the past week or so. I broke a 3 day NC today to give her more fodder for the "desperate ex boyfriend who loses respect" phone call voice mail.

 

In the past two weeks I've been working HARD at making myself a better person. Finally working out, talking this out with my friends and family and doing my damnedest to get through this personal hell. I have been taking care of the issues I KNOW were a huge part of her breaking up with me, and I've been going about it in the wrong way. I DO want her to see the changes, and I want to BELIEVE she would take me back because of them, but her mind is on other things. I've been doing them mainly for me, but also in the hopes that she see's these changes and takes me back. Thanks to LS and my obsessive ability to read back 52 pages in the Second Chances forum, I'm SLOWLY coming to this realization.

 

If she wants me back, she will let me know, if she thinks it was a mistake, she will let me know. If I keep holding onto this hope, I will tear myself apart emotionally, and more than likely hurt the relationships I have with my friends and family.

 

That hope is STILL there, I DO want the chance, but I will have to face facts and truly accept that I probably won't get it.

[Angel1111]

If the hope keeps you going and improving, then hang on to it. It can't hurt anything. You know, the guy I married when I was 18 and later divorced, dated someone shortly after our divorce. Many years later, I ran into him because of a funeral of a mutual friend. We talked a lot and he told me that the girl he dated after our divorce did the exact same things that he did when we were married. He said that seeing her behavior changed him and he never did that stuff again. The thing is, after we divorced, he told me that he was sorry for the way he treated me but it was just too late by then. It was nice that he apologized but I was tired of all the problems and that door was closed.

 

If you don't get another chance with your ex-gf, then please learn from your mistakes or you'll just repeat it all over again. But, I do have to wonder why you continued to screw up after you had the opportunity to fix things before. I'm sure that's the thing she's wondering, too. If you didn't appreciate her then, why would she believe you would appreciate her now? And by 'appreciate', I mean that you wouldn't have done things that were dealbreakers in the relationship. You wouldn't have done things that would've caused you to lose her. But, you did.

[LoveOrb]

If the hope keeps you going and improving, then hang on to it. It can't hurt anything.

In a way it can hurt me, but I have some amazing friends who are willing to help me through this, give me a lot of insight and advice on how to go about it. That is besides the LS boards of course!

 

You know, the guy I married when I was 18 and later divorced, dated someone shortly after our divorce. Many years later, I ran into him because of a funeral of a mutual friend. We talked a lot and he told me that the girl he dated after our divorce did the exact same things that he did when we were married. He said that seeing her behavior changed him and he never did that stuff again. The thing is, after we divorced, he told me that he was sorry for the way he treated me but it was just too late by then. It was nice that he apologized but I was tired of all the problems and that door was closed.

 

I fully understand your feelings about the hurt. I know I caused quite a few issues in our relationship, and of course I hope she realizes that there were some things she could definitely improve upon. Our main issues with being apart stem from something that I'll leave to the end of this post.

 

If you don't get another chance with your ex-gf, then please learn from your mistakes or you'll just repeat it all over again.

Thats one thing I pride myself on, and I only pride myself on it now because I know I can do this for myself and for her if she's willing to be with me again later. I WILL change my ways, I HAVE learned (finally) what the REAL issues were.

 

But, I do have to wonder why you continued to screw up after you had the opportunity to fix things before. I'm sure that's the thing she's wondering, too.

I'm not going to lie and say I didn't know. She hinted at it during the first break up but her MAIN issues at the time (that she told me) was my lack of attention for her. Only later into the year did she really start hinting at the serious things that actually brought it to a close for a second time. If I could send her a message without hurting her emotionally, I would let her know that the only thing I would change about her would be her communication skills. But its not time for me to play the blame game, I'm accepting responsibility, in retrospect, I simply didn't realize how lazy I was being in the relationship and it unfortunately came to head.

 

If you didn't appreciate her then, why would she believe you would appreciate her now? And by 'appreciate', I mean that you wouldn't have done things that were dealbreakers in the relationship. You wouldn't have done things that would've caused you to lose her. But, you did.

 

It was the lack of doing things that lead to losing her. I've been essentially (for lack of a better word) pampered my entire life. When I got with her I pretty much dumped my "needs" onto her. I never really took care of my own issues and sometimes even made my issues hers. After I would do this, I would get a short term spurt of energy to do something, like move into an apartment together, only to become comfortable with whats going on around me even though bills are BARELY being met and shes not really getting alot of time to do things she wants to do because of me being comfortable not doing anything.

 

There are some slight issues that I said I would get to at the end here. I can't do a full NC with her for extended amounts of time. In the four years we have been together we have now entered into a Business which neither of us will back out of (not out of being stubborn, its simply a way of life for us now) and eventually we will have to help each other in it in some aspect. I am not looking forward to it because I do know one thing, unless I find someone else, I will never see her as a friend. This makes being around her even that much harder on me.

 

Simply put, I'm now set on losing some weight (not an issue in the relationship, more of a personal choice), learning a new language, and concentrating on insure I take care of my own self and issues. I can no longer depend on other people to take care of all my needs and become comfortable in my situation. I am not only reading books, forums and listening to all the advice I can, but I'm taking ACTION and actually CONTINUING to take action. Those are the two steps that are suprising even myself, but I can't become comfortable with that knowledge. I know I must be vigilant against falling back into old habits, and simply put, I won't allow myself to do it. Assuming I even get another chance with her, I will ensure this thanks to our mutual interest in securing financial futures in our business and in helping others do the same. Assuming I don't get another chance, that simply means I will have to work harder to ensure that the next woman is not burdened by my past mistakes.

 

I have learned, I have listened, I will change what I need to, and I will keep to that path for as long as I can.

Edited January 31, 2010 by LoveOrb

[dietpepsi]

Think really hard about it. I went through this phase as well, the 2-3 weeks later phase of "Oh i know what went wrong" which i really really didn't, i just wanted to think to myself that i was seeing the errors of our relationship, for an improved shot. Granted, i have not had a chance yet, but either way, if i would have had one at that point several weeks after, i would have botched it up, because i was pretending to know, not actually knowing. Think deep.

[LoveOrb]

Think really hard about it. I went through this phase as well, the 2-3 weeks later phase of "Oh i know what went wrong" which i really really didn't, i just wanted to think to myself that i was seeing the errors of our relationship, for an improved shot. Granted, i have not had a chance yet, but either way, if i would have had one at that point several weeks after, i would have botched it up, because i was pretending to know, not actually knowing. Think deep.

 

I know I have not found every little imperfection about me, and the thing is I won't really be able to. Many of those things make me who I am and I would not really lose them if it meant COMPLETELY changing my self. I won't lie and say I know EVERY little thing that made things the way they are. I can only say trust me on this one point, regardless of the outcome between me and her, I know for a fact a large part of my issues stem from me not taking care of myself.

 

That doesn't necessarily mean physically either. Something I will always see as a good thing in her was she never had an issue with the way I looked physically (well, my overweight body that is, she did want me to cut my hair shorter than I'm used to hehe). To put it into perspective, and I'm suprised I'm willing to let this be known online, *shrug*. I've never really taken care of my own finances, never really made decisions beyond the now and perhaps slightly into the future. I've never made decisions for the both of us that were long lasting. I would constantly ask her opinion and for her answer on every little thing that came up. My excuse was I wanted to make her happy and didn't want to do things she didn't like to do. Simply put, I was being a LAZY nice guy for the majority of the relationship.

 

Those aren't the ONLY issues, but they sum up some of the major things she told me about and I've thought about. I wont stop looking for ways to improve myself, and I have started NC, no matter how hard it is.

[LoveOrb]

Thank you both, I have done even MORE deep reflections. I still believe that many of my issues are things that needed to be improved for ANY relationship. But I'm starting to really see cracks in the armor I placed around her. I still am very in love with her, but without seeing these cracks I wouldn't really have all the right questions. All of the improvements to myself will go on as planned, but now that I'm not on such a rollercoaster ride (only 3 days of NC and I'm not driving myself insane!) I will able to better handle the conversation I want with her. In some ways its very good I have some old emails from her that I never seemed to take the right way and now that I read them I can really get into whats going on here.

[LoveOrb]

Wow... those cracks in the armor I put around her quite literally led me to shattering it all together. I feel so much different now. I know I still love her, but after really seeing how she is treating me in this break up, I'm coming to understand so much more. Beforehand I felt I would instantly grab any chance to be back with her, now I know that unless we both sit down and SERIOUSLY discuss our issues, there is no us again. Not to mention, if she is seeing someone right now, I honestly don't see it lasting with him if she is not aware of her issues especially.

 

Damn it only hurt for a while, but now its a numbing pain that gives me more reason to work on myself. I will be getting together with our mutual friends to talk about the possibility of getting her to actually sit down and have a serious talk about what has happened. Now I know that no matter how bad I wanted to be with her, if she doesnt listen to us or at the very least look deep into her own problems, I DON'T want to be with her.

 

I hate you all, but love you more for showing me that there are things beyond what seems obvious.

[Angel1111]

I hate you all, but love you more for showing me that there are things beyond what seems obvious.

 

Awwww, and we hate you too....and love you.

 

You're going to hate me even more when I say this. Why do you think the two of you need to sit down and discuss anything? The relationship is over. She has moved on. It's up to you to simply deal with it and move on, too. And learn from it, if possible. You screwed up, hon. Numerous times. No matter how you slice and dice it, you're out of chances with her. She got fed up. She doesn't trust you anymore. She doesn't want to be involved anymore. What's the purpose in having another converstaion? To let her know how enlightened you've become, to point out her flaws? She may have had flaws but they apparently weren't serious enough for you to end the relationship over. But she did. Sometimes, we just have to admit defeat and move on. I think that's where you are. Sometimes, it's just the chemistry between two people that is screwed up and unfixable - old vibes. Do you really want to go back there again? Ok, now I know you hate me more and love me less...

[LoveOrb]

Awwww, and we hate you too....and love you.

 

You're going to hate me even more when I say this. Why do you think the two of you need to sit down and discuss anything? The relationship is over. She has moved on. It's up to you to simply deal with it and move on, too. And learn from it, if possible. You screwed up, hon. Numerous times. No matter how you slice and dice it, you're out of chances with her. She got fed up. She doesn't trust you anymore. She doesn't want to be involved anymore. What's the purpose in having another converstaion? To let her know how enlightened you've become, to point out her flaws? She may have had flaws but they apparently weren't serious enough for you to end the relationship over. But she did. Sometimes, we just have to admit defeat and move on. I think that's where you are. Sometimes, it's just the chemistry between two people that is screwed up and unfixable - old vibes. Do you really want to go back there again? Ok, now I know you hate me more and love me less...

 

You have perfectly fine questions, and simply put, I can't answer them without giving away some things I personally would rather not divulge(things about her that is). I expect nothing now, I'm fully willing to start over again with her, and you are right when you say sometimes its screwed up and unfixable. Needless to say, this is not something I have come up with without extensive conversations with others and their thoughts on it. Luckily due to so much free time I've been able to devote the last 7 hours to discussion PURELY involving myself and what I would like to discuss with her. Not one person, even the two friends of hers that I expected to tell me to get lost, gave me advice that is contrary to me having a "last discussion" with her. Perhaps I'm interested in helping her and she might not be willing to listen, but that will be her decision and at least I will know I did my best to help her.

 

The main thing here is this Angel (what a name by the way, guess what she loves so much?), due to decisions we made while we were together, there will be no way of us NOT coming together for certain things well into the future. I CAN ignore my feelings for her and let her ride her high horse into oblivion and back. But I REFUSE to do so without giving it all my best and knowing that when I see her in the future, I didn't regret trying to help her with what I(and many others, including her "friends") believe are things she NEEDS help with.

 

Again, I'm not trying to be some white knight on a horse, I'm literally going to provide my opinion on things and walk away, I'm actually expecting her to ignore/be mad at me for doing it. That's simply up to her to decide and regardless of what happens, I'll be working on myself from now till whenever I find someone, be it her or another.

 

So no, I don't hate ya

 

 

By the way, thanks to all of my friends and family that have sat with me through countless hours in the past two weeks, I honestly feel that I don't need to dwell on things as much anymore. I'm sure I'll have the lingering thoughts, and maybe even the sleepless nights, but I'm one hundred times better than before, and because of this, I won't be back to these boards UNLESS it's to post the success/failure of whatever I've done.

 

Thanks for the help guys.

[Angel1111]

I hope things work out for you!