Risky confession - should I e-mail him how I feel?

[Calendula]

From super long to super short. How about this:

 

 

"I was thinking about our chance encounter yesterday, and I was wondering if you would like to go out for coffee, drinks or dinner when you have the time. My schedule is relatively open, and you can call my cell or e-mail me. Let me know either way."

 

 

I feel like such a kid. I so dislike feeling like I'm not able to just say what I think or feel to someone, not knowing what their response will be, or if they'll even respond. Uncertainty sucks, especially when you like someone. I can deal with rejection, but not knowing for sure is so much worse.

[Calendula]

The other possible strategy is to email him a "Hi, it was nice to see you", and ask him some questions because you "didn't have much time to chat the other day". Find out whether he's single and make sure he knows you are, draw him into conversation, and once you've established a flow of emails, then ask him to meet up. He might be more likely to agree to meet you if you've been chatting a bit first... or he might even ask you to meet up! Sending the other email is a lot more up-front, but carries a slightly higher risk of rejection if he's not sure he's into you.

 

I've done the 'e-mails before meeting' thing before with online dating, and I totally prefer working through such things face to face. It takes a long time to write a good, honest e-mail and you can never be sure that the written word effectively communicates all of what you are thinking when it is read by someone else. Getting an instant reaction from your spoken word, which includes body language, is so much more valuable and effective, and allows you to immediately alter what you say or how you express yourself to better communicate your points. I can deal with the rejection part fine, but miscommunication drives me nuts.

[meerkat stew]

I so dislike feeling like I'm not able to just say what I think or feel to someone, not knowing what their response will be, or if they'll even respond. Uncertainty sucks, especially when you like someone. I can deal with rejection, but not knowing for sure is so much worse.

 

You should say what you feel, we are only strangers on the internet with opinions, armchair editors , you are much closer to the situation.

 

But if you don't follow our advice, bad things will happen.

[Calendula]

You should say what you feel, we are only strangers on the internet with opinions, armchair editors , you are much closer to the situation.

 

But if you don't follow our advice, bad things will happen.

 

Thanks for the humor

 

If I didn't have my doubts as to whether or not I should tell him, I wouldn't have asked for opinions in the first place. My complaint was more of a general one regarding relationships and dealing with people, not necessarily this particular guy and e-mail.

[Calendula]

Thanks to everyone. From the responses I've gotten, it seems that putting my feelings out there early can have both negative and positive impacts, and your responses have helped me solidify what my worries actually are in regards to the first version of the e-mail. I'm going to send him the much shorter e-mail and I'll let you know how he responds.

 

For anyone guilty of overthinking things like I do, here's what those of you who responded have helped me see.

 

Pro: In the long e-mail I'm speaking my mind and telling him exactly what I feel right now.

Con: My feelings may change and he may not feel the same way at all, in spite of what I think I percieved. Perhaps he doesn't need to know all that stuff yet.

 

Pro: I'm trying to communicate that what happened in the past can stay in the past and be learned from.

Con: I probably come across as bringing up old issues that don't really need to be mentioned because we both probably remember it. If it is an issue, it can always be brought up later in person and be dealt with more directly after more of a connection has been re-established.

 

Pro: I'm covering a fair bit of my relationship history in a few short sentences and at the same time letting him know I'm single.

Con: I can't do such a topic justice by so few sentences, and if I wasn't single I probably wouldn't be e-mailing him to begin with. If any element of my relationship history matters we can discuss it in person later.

 

Pro: In the long e-mail I'm directly saying that I like the guy.

Con: Redundant. If I didn't like the guy, I wouldn't be bothering to send him an e-mail showing my interest in doing something with him.

 

Also:

- I don't really know for sure that this guy is interested in me, I only have a feeling to that effect. While my feelings are usually correct, I am more likely to be dissappointed if I assume this is the case without first obtaining further evidence in support of his interest.

[whichwayisup]

Pro: In the long e-mail I'm speaking my mind and telling him exactly what I feel right now.

 

Too long, too much info, too much detail WILL freak the guy out.

 

Make it short, sweet and to the point...

 

Hey, it was great seeing you the other day! Would love to catch up and talk some more, so give me a call. Let's do lunch or dinner, which ever is easiest for you. Looking forward to hearing from you! (insert number) then sign off your name.

 

This way it's inviting, positive and not intense. Don't send him a long detailed, touchy feely email. That's just too soon to do and the chances are higher he'll feel pressured by it.

[Angel1111]

Personally, I wouldn't send an email. He was putting you off when he said that he didn't have any minutes. He may be dating someone and would feel uncomfortable with another woman calling him. Whatever, he had a reason for not giving you his phone number and you shouldn't ignore that. Does he have your email address? If that's the case, then he has every opportunity to contact you. I doubt he's that shy. If you just have to send an email, I don't understand why you have to state that your schedule is relatively open. Just scratch that part.

[tkgirl]

Too long, too much info, too much detail WILL freak the guy out.

 

Make it short, sweet and to the point...

 

Hey, it was great seeing you the other day! Would love to catch up and talk some more, so give me a call. Let's do lunch or dinner, which ever is easiest for you. Looking forward to hearing from you! (insert number) then sign off your name.

This way it's inviting, positive and not intense. Don't send him a long detailed, touchy feely email. That's just too soon to do and the chances are higher he'll feel pressured by it.

 

 

this is a MUCH better email... if you decide to send him one, send him this.

 

You say stuff about not wanting to scare him off again.. what did you do to scare him off the first time?

[SadandConfusedWA]

Uhhh, it is very clear that this dude is not interested, he didn't even want to give you his phone number...

[Calendula]

this is a MUCH better email... if you decide to send him one, send him this.

 

You say stuff about not wanting to scare him off again.. what did you do to scare him off the first time?

 

 

Nothing that couldn't be chalked up to bad timing. When we first met I was still technically in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of the previous three years, and I told him that. I figured we could still hang out without the LDR being a problem, but looking back, it wasn't a realistic expectation. That relationship subsequently ended during the year after when I met this guy for totally unrelated reasons.

 

During the periods of time we had spent hanging out back then, I felt completely comfortable with him, like I'd known him for years, and I had the distinct impression that he felt the same way. It was the kind of thing where you just want to spend time with someone, for no particular reason other than to be with them. I think it is part of what led him to kiss me one night when we were out stargazing. It was shortly after kissing me that he ended contact.

 

Combine the above two things, the development of feelings that were more than just friendship, with the previous existence of a LDR, and I think it was kind of doomed from the start, but perhaps for the best. I've matured a lot since then, and I think he has too.

 

Fastforward four and a half years, and I now have a whole different set of scenarios to scare the poor guy off with . One of these is my tendency to be somewhat agressive in my pursuit of something that I decide I want, be it my PhD or a potential suitor. I know plenty of people would argue the point with me (I've read the threads), but in germinating relationships I suffer from being both intelligent and capable, and I think my resulting self-confidence and independence can sometimes come across as conceit or snobbishness if the man isn't willing to get to know me better or starts out with low self esteem. It is kind of hard for a man to feel needed or like a protector or provider (what some would call the typical male role) when the woman he is with is perfectly capable of doing most of the things men like to do and more. Combine this with all sorts of other little factors that could 'scare a guy off' and my experience tells me that my worries aren't unfounded.

 

I'm not really all that hung up about it, though. I've long since accepted my tendency to scare guys off as simply a fact of life and try to account for it as best I can when I so desire to. When it comes down to it, I always figure that if a guy can't handle me just being me (smart, confident, capable, etc), then he has no business being with me anyway. I have my softer, more vulnerable side, but few get to see it, and usually only after I've decided they can handle me.

[Calendula]

I've already sent him a version of the short e-mail, so now I'm just waiting for a reply. I'm doing my best not to get my hopes up, but it still sucks waiting.

[tkgirl]

Nothing that couldn't be chalked up to bad timing. When we first met I was still technically in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of the previous three years, and I told him that. I figured we could still hang out without the LDR being a problem, but looking back, it wasn't a realistic expectation. That relationship subsequently ended during the year after when I met this guy for totally unrelated reasons.

 

During the periods of time we had spent hanging out back then, I felt completely comfortable with him, like I'd known him for years, and I had the distinct impression that he felt the same way. It was the kind of thing where you just want to spend time with someone, for no particular reason other than to be with them. I think it is part of what led him to kiss me one night when we were out stargazing. It was shortly after kissing me that he ended contact.

 

Combine the above two things, the development of feelings that were more than just friendship, with the previous existence of a LDR, and I think it was kind of doomed from the start, but perhaps for the best. I've matured a lot since then, and I think he has too.

 

Fastforward four and a half years, and I now have a whole different set of scenarios to scare the poor guy off with . One of these is my tendency to be somewhat agressive in my pursuit of something that I decide I want, be it my PhD or a potential suitor. I know plenty of people would argue the point with me (I've read the threads), but in germinating relationships I suffer from being both intelligent and capable, and I think my resulting self-confidence and independence can sometimes come across as conceit or snobbishness if the man isn't willing to get to know me better or starts out with low self esteem. It is kind of hard for a man to feel needed or like a protector or provider (what some would call the typical male role) when the woman he is with is perfectly capable of doing most of the things men like to do and more. Combine this with all sorts of other little factors that could 'scare a guy off' and my experience tells me that my worries aren't unfounded.

 

I'm not really all that hung up about it, though. I've long since accepted my tendency to scare guys off as simply a fact of life and try to account for it as best I can when I so desire to. When it comes down to it, I always figure that if a guy can't handle me just being me (smart, confident, capable, etc), then he has no business being with me anyway. I have my softer, more vulnerable side, but few get to see it, and usually only after I've decided they can handle me.

 

you sound very together and smart.. there's nothing wrong with that! but you knew that already! But I agree, I think that does tend to scare guys off... especially when you want to take control of the relationship and too soon. You have to sometimes let the guy lead too... and in my experience I have found it is better to let them lead most of the time... it's where they are most comfortable. I know it's hard, especially with the shy types... I've been there, believe me!

Try to let down your walls a little bit... guys like it when we can be a little more vulnerable. I know it's scary but there's something I read somewhere that I try to think about when it comes to my own "walls". It goes something like "walls might be good for keeping others out, but at the same time those walls are keeping you in" make sense?

 

I've already sent him a version of the short e-mail, so now I'm just waiting for a reply. I'm doing my best not to get my hopes up, but it still sucks waiting.

 

oh, I hope it works out for you! keep us posted for sure

[fiatflux]

I've already sent him a version of the short e-mail, so now I'm just waiting for a reply. I'm doing my best not to get my hopes up, but it still sucks waiting.

 

Yes, it does, doesn't it? Glad you took the plunge, though.