Calendula Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Long story short: I'm currently single, and have kind of given up looking for a while now. I ran into a guy yesterday who I was interested in four and a half years ago. At that time I liked him, and I think he liked me, but we only hung out a few times and the relationship never went anywhere for a variety of reasons. So running into him again out of the blue and still liking him was unexpected for me and completely a coincidence. Some details of these events are included below in the e-mail I'm thinking of sending him. Thing is, he is the shy type, and I feel that if I don't make a move to take things forward, I don't think he will, even though he likes me. So I want to send him an e-mail to this effect, letting him know how I feel and letting him know that he has a good chance of building some kind of a serious relationship with me. If I don't do this, and simply wait for him to do something, I don't think anything will come from our chance encounter. Given the option, I don't want to go back and forth with 'friendly nonsense' emails that don't mean anything, and would rather actually spend time getting to know him in person. The e-mail I plan to send is below. My worry is that it might sound too aggressive, or desperate or might scare the guy off, even though he likes me. At the same time, though, I think that if he can't deal with this kind of e-mail or confession maturely, then I'm not sure that a relationship would work out in the long term anyway. I am big on open communication between partners, of both feelings and opinions, and I like to start relationships in the same way I want them to continue. So what do you all think? If you were the guy, what would your response be to such an e-mail confession? What would be going through your head during and after reading such an e-mail? Is there anything about it that would make you say "absolutely don't send it"? Any other comments? The e-mail: I have a confession, and I figure I might as well bring it up now since I have nothing to lose by telling you. I’ve spent last night and most of today thinking about whether I should tell you this, and I figure it’s worth the risk. If I scare you off again, for whatever reason, my life won’t be any different than before yesterday happened: I’ll still be alone, I’ll still have my degree to finish, and my life will stay simple. If I don’t scare you off, then at least you’ll know how I feel, and if you feel the same way and I make it easier for you to tell me, then we both win. I just hope that putting my cards on the table from the beginning serves to make this easier and not more complicated. So here is the thing: I like you. A lot. I liked you four and a half years ago, and seeing you in (store name) again, purely by random chance, reminded me of all those little things I had forgotten from the short amount of time we spent together back then. I never knew exactly why you decided to not call me back or e-mail me, but I figured it had something to do with the fact that you kissed me that night we went to go look at the stars after dropping your brother off. Yeah, I remember, and I remember that I liked kissing you back. I liked spending time with you then, but I didn’t know what I wanted from a relationship or even just a friendship, and I still had issues to work out with the boyfriend I had left behind in (other town). Long story short, I think the timing just wasn’t right for both of us and neither of us was ready for anything serious. Looking back, perhaps it was for the best that nothing came of it and we both let things drop. So time passed. I ended my relationship with the guy from (other town). I dated a few people. I spent three and a half years with one person, which included us living together for three of those years and an engagement. We ended that relationship and the engagement last September on good terms. I dated a few more people. Most recently I’ve kind of given up on dating altogether, accepted the fact that I’ll be lonely for a while yet, and decided to focus my time on finishing my degree and getting out of (this town). And then, purely by chance, we end up in the same customer service line at (store name). How strange is that? I decide to quit looking, you show up again, and I still like you. Go figure. I’ve got little clue where you are in your life. I know little about any personal issues you may or may not have. I have no knowledge of your past relationships or even if you’re seeing someone currently. But I do know the following: I liked spending time with you walking around (store name), talking about whatever came to mind. I felt comfortable hanging out with you, even for just that brief period of time. I liked how you traded off pushing the cart with me and helped me unload my groceries at the checkout line. I liked that you called me sweetie when we parted in the parking lot, and that you walked me to my car even though you weren’t parked anywhere near it. I wish I could have come up with more things I needed just so we could have wandered around talking for longer. I wish I had a good excuse to see you again, but maybe I don’t need one. Perhaps I was just imagining it, but you didn’t seem to be in a rush to end our time together either, and, if only for that reason, I thought you might feel the same as I do. I know I like you, even if I don’t have a good reason for exactly why, and I know I would like to get to know you better, possibly as more than just friends. I know I want to take that chance, but I don’t know if you do. I have absolutely no idea how things might work out, but I would like to try. I know telling you all this by e-mail is somewhat aggressive, but that is how I work. I prefer communication to silent hoping or unknown expectations. If I decide I want something, such as to spend time with you and to get to know you better, then I’ll do what I can to get what I want. If you don’t want the same thing, then just tell me, and I’ll let it drop as I did four and a half years ago. Tell me you’re not interested in spending time together to see where things could go and you’ll never hear from me again. It can be as simple as e-mailing me back saying “Sorry, I’m not interested.” If you are interested, however, let’s go out for dinner sometime soon and see what happens. You now know where I stand and it’s your choice. All I ask is that you tell me this time, one way or the other, yes or no. Either answer is acceptable. You don’t even have to give me a reason, just don’t leave me wondering, waiting for a reply. (End of e-mail)
h_man Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Nice confession. Send it. If your heart feels right you should so do it. What you have got to lose? You can only win. Your life don't change if he will stay emotionless about that letter. But i think he will be flattered. It's honest and nice. I would feel myself wanted and also happy, especially when girl is symphatetic to me. Honesty is the key in relationship. Desperation and clingyness are clearly overrated. Do what your heart asks. Good luck!
Malenfant Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 its a bit long. why dont you just mail him and say 'it was nice to bump into you. i still like you, if you're interested, i'd like for us to meet up' or words to that affect. keeps it short and to the point. only state that you still like him and you're interested if he is. a very long email like that about feelings etc. gives an impression of over-thinking, and of being a bit neurotic. plus, you dont want to lay it all out if he's going to say no.
Author Calendula Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 its a bit long. why dont you just mail him and say 'it was nice to bump into you. i still like you, if you're interested, i'd like for us to meet up' or words to that affect. keeps it short and to the point. only state that you still like him and you're interested if he is. a very long email like that about feelings etc. gives an impression of over-thinking, and of being a bit neurotic. plus, you dont want to lay it all out if he's going to say no. I don't mind laying it all out even if he says no, he's not interested. I know it is long but the impression it gives of over-thinking is accurate. I do think a lot about things and I like to make sure that I've gotten my point across, and he would have to be ok with that for anything long term to work. I said something to the effect of what you suggested before we parted ways at the store: "I wouldn't be opposed to hanging out some time, if you're interested," and his response was positive and encouraging "that would be great, I'd like that" or something to that effect. The purpose of the e-mail is to take it one step further and make sure he knows I'm serious and didn't just say things because I was being nice. I figure I've only got one chance to tell him honestly how I feel and I want to make sure that I've effectively communicated both what I feel and why I feel that way, as well as give him a way out if he doesn't feel the same.
Zeegagge Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Nicely written and I think it's a good idea, my only suggestion is to shorten it. I don't know exactly what to tell you take out but just shorten it. I don't know this guy but in general with guys and communication like this less is more.
Author Calendula Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 Nice confession. Send it. If your heart feels right you should so do it. What you have got to lose? You can only win. Your life don't change if he will stay emotionless about that letter. But i think he will be flattered. It's honest and nice. I would feel myself wanted and also happy, especially when girl is symphatetic to me. Honesty is the key in relationship. Desperation and clingyness are clearly overrated. Do what your heart asks. Good luck! Thanks for the encouragement. I completely agree with you. I will send it, I'm just worrying about it and so I wanted to get some feedback first.
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 So when you parted at the grocery store, did he ask for your number or give you his? Did he say anything about seeing you again? Did he give you his email address or did you already have it? I think if he was interested, he would have done one of these things regardless of shyness.
meerkat stew Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Not to sound harsh, but way TMI. Maybe a much shorter Email asking him to go for drinks and catch up?
sumdude Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I said something to the effect of what you suggested before we parted ways at the store: "I wouldn't be opposed to hanging out some time, if you're interested," and his response was positive and encouraging "that would be great, I'd like that" or something to that effect. The purpose of the e-mail is to take it one step further and make sure he knows I'm serious and didn't just say things because I was being nice. I think you've already made your interest known. Keep your message simple. More of a Hey, was great to see you and I'd like to get together with you. Let's make a plan." Too much information in that e-mail. Communicate and disclose those things slowly and face to face. It's far more interesting to get to know someone that way and you can gauge his interest and when to disclose things better when you actually see him.
melodymatters Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I pretty much agree with everyone here ! Sending the e-mail is pretty much a no lose proposition, but I also agree with shortening it a bit ! It's true: with guys, less is more ! You want to put across your honest feelings but you don't want to freak someone out by writing a book. Good luck, let us know what happens !
Author Calendula Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 So when you parted at the grocery store, did he ask for your number or give you his? Did he say anything about seeing you again? Did he give you his email address or did you already have it? I think if he was interested, he would have done one of these things regardless of shyness. I'm pretty sure he's interested, but I don't think he feels like he has a chance with me or knows quite what to do about it. We met up at the end of a rather long customer service line and so had at least 5-10 minutes to catch up before we got to the counter. When we finished at the customer service counter, we both wanted to continue our discussion but I was going shopping and he had been planning on leaving the store. We got to the doors, and I asked him if he wanted to exchange phone numbers. He said he didn't have any minutes on his phone, but made sure that I still had his e-mail address and that he had mine and my last name. We had exchanged a few e-mails 4.5 years ago, so I knew I still had his address, but I asked him if he wanted to exchange numbers just to see if he was even interested, and the response he gave me showed he was. We ended up talking for a while near the entrance to the store, and he didn't seem especially keen on leaving, so I asked him if he wanted to walk with me and talk while I shopped. He practically jumped at the opportunity and kept trying to come up with more things for us to go look at so we could walk around longer. I was getting positive and interested, responses and signals, but I know I was the one initiating things, so therefore my worries. I figure I'll scare him off again, if only because I know I can be agressive and up-front about what I feel and want. I also think he might have labeled me as 'out of his league' for a variety of reasons and I did my best to subconsciously and indirectly reassure him that I wasn't.
Author Calendula Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 I'm thinking about how I could effectively shorten it and still make sure he knows I really like him and that he has a serious chance with me. Working on a re-write now, but do you guys have any specific suggestions?
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 We got to the doors, and I asked him if he wanted to exchange phone numbers. He said he didn't have any minutes on his phone, but made sure that I still had his e-mail address and that he had mine and my last name. We had exchanged a few e-mails 4.5 years ago, so I knew I still had his address, but I asked him if he wanted to exchange numbers just to see if he was even interested, and the response he gave me showed he was. I'm sorry, but that is a lame excuse for not giving you his phone number. Will he never have minutes again? Still not clear, did he take your phone number or email address only? I can't explain his behavior that made you think he is interested, but I don't think he is. Or he is, but he has a girlfriend or a wife and that is why you can't have his phone number.
meerkat stew Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I'm thinking about how I could effectively shorten it and still make sure he knows I really like him and that he has a serious chance with me. Working on a re-write now, but do you guys have any specific suggestions? Show him you like him while together, rather than trying to express it in a letter. It will mean more to him if he is interested, and if he isn't interested you don't have some long email "out there." Use early communications only to make plans. Keep some mystery, let him find out these things over time, that's how attraction builds. Won't have near the same effect dumped on him all at once. Have written my share of long Emails to GFs, prospects, exes, etc., and learned with age and experience not to do that.
alphamale Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 i wouldn't send that email...it reeks of desperation
Author Calendula Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 I'm sorry, but that is a lame excuse for not giving you his phone number. Will he never have minutes again? Still not clear, did he take your phone number or email address only? I can't explain his behavior that made you think he is interested, but I don't think he is. Or he is, but he has a girlfriend or a wife and that is why you can't have his phone number. What you say did cross my mind, but I didn't feel like pushing the issue and I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt and stay optimistic. Granted it means I can sometimes be bad about seeing only what I want to see, but I fully accept that he might not be interested in that way. This is why I figured I'd e-mail him to make sure he knows he has a chance with me in case he is interested. Either way, I figure I've still got nothing to lose by telling him I seriously like him. The worst he can do is not respond or tell me he doesn't like me like that, and I'll just be back where I started, none the worse for trying, and no longer wondering 'what if'.
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 What you say did cross my mind, but I didn't feel like pushing the issue and I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt and stay optimistic. Granted it means I can sometimes be bad about seeing only what I want to see, but I fully accept that he might not be interested in that way. This is why I figured I'd e-mail him to make sure he knows he has a chance with me in case he is interested. Either way, I figure I've still got nothing to lose by telling him I seriously like him. The worst he can do is not respond or tell me he doesn't like me like that, and I'll just be back where I started, none the worse for trying, and no longer wondering 'what if'. If he is not interested, he does not need to know all of your very personal feelings. I would not send that email. It could come back to haunt you. What if you meet a guy you really like and he likes you. Surprise, the new bf knows this guy and learns all of these things you said to him, then doubts you are over this guy. What if there is a girlfriend and she sees the email and decides to make your life a living hell by posting it online or sending it to people you know? These are things you should say in person once you know he is receptive. An email suggesting a get together is all you should send. Frankly, I don't think you should even send that. He made an excuse for giving you his phone number and he didn't ask for yours. You have used the phrase "scare him off again" twice. That doesn't correlate with your other statement that he's interested but may think you're out of his league. I'm not trying to ruin this for you, but it seems you are ignoring some pretty obvious red flags.
Author Calendula Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 So what do you guys think about sending this instead? Hey (name), I was thinking about our chance encounter the other day, and I came to the conclusion that I really would like to spend some time hanging out and getting to know each other again. Would you like to go out for coffee, drinks or dinner this weekend or sometime this coming week? Let me know. (end)
Author Calendula Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 Show him you like him while together, rather than trying to express it in a letter. It will mean more to him if he is interested, and if he isn't interested you don't have some long email "out there." Use early communications only to make plans. Keep some mystery, let him find out these things over time, that's how attraction builds. Won't have near the same effect dumped on him all at once. Have written my share of long Emails to GFs, prospects, exes, etc., and learned with age and experience not to do that. Thanks for the input, and I think you have a good point. Even if I don't send it, the thing about writing a long e-mail, or writing anything, is that it helps you get your thoughts straight for if and when you want to communicate something to someone. I know I'm guilty of 'too much, too soon' in relationships, so therefore I figured I'd get some outside opinions before taking action on this.
meerkat stew Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 So what do you guys think about sending this instead? Hey (name), I was thinking about our chance encounter the other day, and I came to the conclusion that I really would like to spend some time hanging out and getting to know each other again. Would you like to go out for coffee, drinks or dinner this weekend or sometime this coming week? Let me know. (end) Much better, gets you an answer as quickly and clearly as possible. Maybe get rid of the entire second clause in the first sentence. Go straight from the chance encounter to the asking about making plans. Good luck with this guy!
alphamale Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 How about this: Hey (name), It was great seeing you again. I would love to get together for drinks and catch up when you have the time. My cell # is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Calendula (end)
Author Calendula Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 If he is not interested, he does not need to know all of your very personal feelings. I would not send that email. It could come back to haunt you. What if you meet a guy you really like and he likes you. Surprise, the new bf knows this guy and learns all of these things you said to him, then doubts you are over this guy. What if there is a girlfriend and she sees the email and decides to make your life a living hell by posting it online or sending it to people you know? These are things you should say in person once you know he is receptive. An email suggesting a get together is all you should send. Frankly, I don't think you should even send that. He made an excuse for giving you his phone number and he didn't ask for yours. You have used the phrase "scare him off again" twice. That doesn't correlate with your other statement that he's interested but may think you're out of his league. I'm not trying to ruin this for you, but it seems you are ignoring some pretty obvious red flags. Thanks for the feedback. I doubt any of the negative scenarios you described would play out for me/us, but I do agree with the principle of not telling your personal feelings or business to someone who doesn't really need to know. In general I am very private and keep my emotions to myself, and I agree that if he isn't interested at all the risk is much greater than if he is interested and feels the same way.
Eeyore79 Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I asked him if he wanted to exchange phone numbers. He said he didn't have any minutes on his phone, but made sure that I still had his e-mail address and that he had mine and my last name. The other people who've said that's a bit of a lame excuse for not giving you his numbr are right. He doesn't need minutes for you to call him, and if he wanted to call you he could get some minutes. Usually when I give someone my email and not my phone number, it's because I don't want to talk to them but don't want to be completely rude and refuse all contact... I can more easily ignore an email or be distant, whereas it's more awkward to get rid of people I don't want to talk to if they have my number and keep calling me. Your first email is too long and reeks of desperation; you're dragging up awkward old issues like why he never called you etc. You don't want to come across as all heavy and obssessive; guys often don't like that sort of thing, particularly at the beginning of a relationship when things are supposed to be light and fun. The second email is much better and less likely to scare him off, but at the end I would add "Let me know either way", so he knows you're ok with a negative response and hopefully won't leave you hanging. The other possible strategy is to email him a "Hi, it was nice to see you", and ask him some questions because you "didn't have much time to chat the other day". Find out whether he's single and make sure he knows you are, draw him into conversation, and once you've established a flow of emails, then ask him to meet up. He might be more likely to agree to meet you if you've been chatting a bit first... or he might even ask you to meet up! Sending the other email is a lot more up-front, but carries a slightly higher risk of rejection if he's not sure he's into you.
meerkat stew Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 How about this: Hey (name), It was great seeing you again. I would love to get together for drinks and catch up when you have the time. My cell # is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Calendula (end) Even better. If he's interested, he will take it from there.
Eeyore79 Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 How about this: Hey (name), It was great seeing you again. I would love to get together for drinks and catch up when you have the time. My cell # is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Calendula (end) This is much better. It seems more open and less pressured because no specific time is mentioned, and it leaves it up to him to call you or ask you out.
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