carhill Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 es-- he does take meds for his ADD, but he's come to accept his disability as just that.... And asks me to accept his sloth as a part of who he is.... I do my best to understand, but the daily frustration is almost unbearable! BTW, your main complaints, weight gain and 'sloth', aren't necessarily effects or symptoms of ADHD. Also, such aren't generally seen to be side-effects of typical ADHD meds, though a review by a doctor might be indicated. Also, his ability to retain a job indicates his meds are working /condition is under control. TBH, I'd likely be looking at depression, though the long-lived nature of the habits would contra-indicate it. Who knows though...
HeyThere Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 (edited) Janicehc, feeling guilty about the awesome sex while separated is an added stress to your current relationship. It seems as though reconciling “the awesome sex” and your husband’s “needs” don’t mesh. They wouldn’t mesh for anyone else, so don’t feel bad (easy for me to say). You’re married and your husband doesn’t act as a slightly attractive partner. No wonder you are repulsed. You’re between a rock and a hard place. My suggestion again is to get intervention – counseling. Edited January 31, 2010 by HeyThere
Jeff1962 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I don't get the whole SLOB mentality. It's gross. I take very good care of myself for me. Since you were seeing other people during your separation, maybe this can tell you something. Did you only think of slobby stinky H. while you were with these other men or did you enjoy yourself? You have every reason to be turned off. G R O S S . I could not imagine being close with someone who's hygeine is less than favorable. Good luck with this one.
Author Janicehc Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 Than I couldve imagined! We've been to marriage counselors... A religious one--- who wouldn't address the issues other than sav the marriage and everything else be damned! And, another one that was a little bit helpful til we found out he wasn't really a counselor.... I have made myself an appt with a counselor and have a referral for another marriage counselor separately.... I'm hoping both will help! Frankly, I'm afraid of being totally honest with him... In the past he's gotten really offended and resentful, turned the issue around on me by saying I'm just not a good wife coz I don't appreciate anything, all I do is bitch about his faults... He's withdrawn before and just stayed away from me, he's said he just can't do better coz of his disability and finally that I should just accept him as is and quit fussing coz my fussing makes him feel bad about himself.... None of these responses however, have brought about any change.... The bottom line is that my bringing this stuff up has only serve to increase the guilt I already feel... Especially considering my past infidelity!! I don't know how long our son will need both of us together... He's epileptic and has severe ADHD and is developmentally delayed due to the seizures. Dealing with both of these issues has put him into an emotional tailspin and acing his parents back together seems to be the only constant... So for now, I've got to stick this out an make the best of the marriage! I feel frustrated and hopeless daily.... I was attracted to him when we first married... But he quickly let his true self be known an frankly, for the first half of the marriage I was too busy with work and school to care... Now--3 kids later and he in his "manly" state this far progressed, it's almost impossible some days! I'm a physical person and I spend a lot of time feeling empty inside and unworthy of his efforts to be the man I need...
HeyThere Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Janicehc, stop tying the proverbial noose around your neck for this affair. I’m sure it doesn’t help you or the situation that you’re in. What’s done is done. I think the big issue for you is the comparing this awesome sex to dealing with your husband as a child. It often takes several visits to different marriage counselors before one is found. You’re not getting any traction with your husband on these issues because he is in denial about these subject matters. Keep being honest and direct especially with a third party (counselor) to mediate the issues. Your husband is in no way being “manly” and if that’s how he covers up these flaws then expose him repeatedly for the irrational thought process.
Author Janicehc Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 I'm making my appts with counselors tomorrow for me and for "us".. Silly as it may seem... Maybe I just needed some sort of validation for my undelying feeling that things just aren't right with him and I can't just accept what he's become... There's so many more things about himself that he purposely hid to get me to marry him... But I've taken up so much space in this forum already.. I truly appreciate the conversation !!! I'll post more as I learn more.... And please keep the advice coming!! Thanks
hoping2heal Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Yes-- he does take meds for his ADD, but he's come to accept his disability as just that.... And asks me to accept his sloth as a part of who he is.... I do my best to understand, but the daily frustration is almost unbearable! Thanks to you all for such great input Okay, this really interested me. I also have ADD, only I do not take medication to treat it, I instead recieved cognitive behaviorial therapy etc. What I'm dying to understand here is..what him having ADD and him not taking care of his hygiene have to do with one another?
Author Janicehc Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 What his ADD has to do with being such a slovenly person... He just says that he's not capable of being clean or neat or organized due to his disability... He tells me that he's learned that he has to work around his inability... So, I've got to pay someone to help me with my house, which literally looks like a trash can after leaving him home with kids all day today--- I've got to pay someone to do the yard work and I've got to take my cars to the shop for cleaning and routine servicing (nevermind his degree in automotive technology)... So I feel like not only do I not get a man who keeps himself clean and neat and dressed in something other than camoflauge--- but I've got to either live with the mess or pay someone to take care of all of the other things that I guess I take for granted should be "husbandly" duties.... Frankly, my frustration and resentment level I'm sure have a lot to do with me not being able to deal with stinkiness and a big huge gut smothering me....
WalkInThePark Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 What his ADD has to do with being such a slovenly person... He just says that he's not capable of being clean or neat or organized due to his disability... He tells me that he's learned that he has to work around his inability... So, I've got to pay someone to help me with my house, which literally looks like a trash can after leaving him home with kids all day today--- I've got to pay someone to do the yard work and I've got to take my cars to the shop for cleaning and routine servicing (nevermind his degree in automotive technology)... So I feel like not only do I not get a man who keeps himself clean and neat and dressed in something other than camoflauge--- but I've got to either live with the mess or pay someone to take care of all of the other things that I guess I take for granted should be "husbandly" duties.... Frankly, my frustration and resentment level I'm sure have a lot to do with me not being able to deal with stinkiness and a big huge gut smothering me.... He uses his ADD to simply be lazy. Someone who has 2 arms and 2 legs who can walk, is able to wash himself. You want to make that marriage work for your kids and therefore you would like to make yourself be attractive so someone who is simply repulsive. But that is impossible. The fact that you don't want to have sex with a smelly and overweight man is a healthy reflex. If I were you, I would ask for a divorce and try to work out a flexible arrangement concerning the kids which allows you to still be parents to your kids. This man does not want to change.
Author Janicehc Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 Some of this is why I separated from him last year... It's very difficult to lve with day to day!!! But, in the end, my 9 yr old son couldn't handle that change and so I came back primarily for him. He's coping win epilepsy and severe ADHD and the developmental delays and psychiatric issues that go along with both!! So, I'm determined to keep things together at least until I see that my son is stable physically and emotionally. Having said that--- I'm working on trying to live with his father in a somewhat normal way... I would love to be closer to my husband, which is why I've sought advice.... Telling him these things bother me hasn't worked in the past, so I feel kinda stuck!! I'm looking forward to counseling to see what, if anything can be accomplished...
carhill Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Hopefully, if you want it to work, counseling can help you process that stuff in a different, healthier way. There's no magic bullet. It takes time and effort. Even if it enables you to remain in a healthy way for the time your son needs to stabilize, IMO that's time and effort well-spent. Your H will do what he does. Acceptance is a part of the work in counseling. Hope it works out
hoping2heal Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 What his ADD has to do with being such a slovenly person... He just says that he's not capable of being clean or neat or organized due to his disability... He tells me that he's learned that he has to work around his inability... Okay, that is a load of crap. Again, I suffer from ADD. I clean house on a daily basis - do I always feel like doing it? No, but do I do it? Yes. There are certain things I trully am limited at. I have very poor short term memory - I don't know that I will ever overcome that- it makes learning a challenge when I am being told directions once with nothing to refer too. I bathe regularly, dress cleanly, and do my own laundry. He is using his disability as an excuse and you should put your foot down and no longer allow him too. So, I've got to pay someone to help me with my house, which literally looks like a trash can after leaving him home with kids all day today--- I've got to pay someone to do the yard work and I've got to take my cars to the shop for cleaning and routine servicing (nevermind his degree in automotive technology)... So I feel like not only do I not get a man who keeps himself clean and neat and dressed in something other than camoflauge--- but I've got to either live with the mess or pay someone to take care of all of the other things that I guess I take for granted should be "husbandly" duties.... Frankly, my frustration and resentment level I'm sure have a lot to do with me not being able to deal with stinkiness and a big huge gut smothering me.... Again, I have ADD and I don't even take the medication offered for it..I keep the house clean, I bathe regularly, practice good hygiene, wear clean, nice smelling clothes and make an effort in my appearance. You need to seriously STOP letting him get away with this. If I were you? I would say.."you know honey, I recently met this woman with ADD..I have some great news for you! Apparently, she is able to keep up with housework and hygiene despite having ADD. This means you should be able to do all that too! You're just going to have to start making the effort..and I fully expect you too having met a woman who is able to keep up with all of this now..isn't that great?? No more of you having to be held back!"
Author Janicehc Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 It's good to know that people with add aren't naturally slovenly... I'm gonna keep this in mind as we approach therapy....
Samantha0905 Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 I have not read the whole thread.. sorry ... but here is what I would do if I were you... Being a slob is NOT acceptable... sorry if he feels he has to go through a checklist... I would never EVER have sex with someone who is not taking care of his hygiene.. there's a limit.. reallly... I would tell him that IF he wants sex.. he needs to take a shower.. (I wouldn't mind the shaving)... and lose some weight.. (although it wouldn,t be a priority for me.. unless he's huge)... but the personal hygiene is NOT negociable.. If he won't bulge.. then NO sex.. and sleep in a separate room.. (I wouldn't be able to sleep in the same bed...eeeewwww)... Ask him how he would feel .. if you didn't wash... gosh.. I can't imagine... even going close to his stinking pee-pee... gross... I have to agree. I would not feel attraction to, aroused by or have sex with an unclean person. That's just gross. Janice, He sounds like he needs therapy. It's good you've made an appointment for both of you. It obviously sounds like his issues go a lot further than just keeping himself clean -- and that issue alone would make me not attracted. Perhaps individual counseling will help you discover how to find personal happiness.
Author Janicehc Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 I do plan on counseling for myself! Right now I'm overhelmed with the mess that was a result of him taking a few days off and staying with the boys while they didn't have school due to the weather.... I wana torch the place!! I've never ever ever seen such a level of mess in my life! If the state walked into my home right now, I'm sure they'd take my kids.... However, te issue isn't that I can't clean it, coz I will... The discouraging thing is that 2 of the 3 boys will completely wreck the place within the day... And I don't mean normal family clutter, I mean bottom of a trash can filth and slime and disgusting everywhere!! Food, trash, clothes, shoes, toys, trash, junk is just left where it's dropped.... I'm so sad.... I just wana cry.... I'll clean it tomorrow and it'll be trashed by Sunday afternoon.... But I won't be able to get to it all coz it's every inch of the house... I'm soooooo discouraged
Recommended Posts