Janicehc Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I don't know where else to start... Sex with my husband stinks... I'm not attracted to him physically and I don't know what to do! I feel horrible about that coz I'm not perfect by any means! We haven't had sex in months... Really we haven't had a good sex life in years! I want to be a le to change my mind about how I feel when he approaches me... How can I do that?? I love him-- he's a good guy and a good father. We've been together for 15 years.. Only recently reconciled after being separated... During which time I was seeing others... Before that, my feelings were the same--- he's let himself go... He's gained a lot of weight, doesn't bathe or shave regularly and is generally a slob. He's awkward in bed, and frankly I'm just repulsed... And I hate myself for feeling this way!!!!! Is there any hope that I can train myself to overlook these things and just accept him as is??? I've tried talking with him about this and he gets really upset and highly offended... He resents having to go through a "checklist" , i.e., bathing, shaving, losing weight, etc., to feel like he's approachable by me.... Bottom line is that I feel like I'm married to my brother and the thought of sex with him turns my stomach---and I don't wana feel that way! Any advice!?!? Please?!?
HeyThere Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 (edited) I’ve said before this should be a dating site; you and Tiny220 are relatively similar in the anguish felt. Check out his thread. Why did you reconcile, when it sounds like this environment didn’t change? Edited January 30, 2010 by HeyThere
Author Janicehc Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 I don't want to date.... I came back to my husband to stay--- at least til our kids are grown.... We've got a special needs son who needs his parents together. I'm the cheater--- I got sick of being with him and left. But now that I'm back I want to remain faithful. He wants me and has made it known he wants sex.... But luckily so far our kids have gotten in the way.... I do want him to be happy! I don't want to hurt him anymore! I'm just looking for some practical advice on how I can make myself let go of my desire for something other than what I have.... Does this even make sense?!?!?
Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I don't want to date.... I came back to my husband to stay--- at least til our kids are grown.... We've got a special needs son who needs his parents together. I'm the cheater--- I got sick of being with him and left. But now that I'm back I want to remain faithful. He wants me and has made it known he wants sex.... But luckily so far our kids have gotten in the way.... I do want him to be happy! I don't want to hurt him anymore! I'm just looking for some practical advice on how I can make myself let go of my desire for something other than what I have.... Does this even make sense?!?!? Neither is asking him to make better choices as to what he eats and to exercise..... Then since you were separated, asking or demanding that he woos you doesn't hurt either...... Finally tell him what to do in bed to make it pleasurable for you..... Us men can be pretty stoopid in bed!!!!!! You are really not asking a lot.......
Woggle Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Sleep in seperate rooms and have an open marriage so your kids can get a two parent home. Nothing you do will ever make you a loving and faithful wife so stop lying to him and let him get his needs met elsewhere.
mem11363 Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 This is NOT your fault. Give him some specifics - grooming is not optional - and needs to happen every day. He needs to either work on his weight or accept a sexless marriage. Ask him how important sex is to him and then if he says he NEEDS it be very clear on what he NEEDS to do to get it. And then repulsed or not give it to him until he gets to where you need him to be. But if his idea of sex is a quickie that only pleases him - well explain intercourse doesn't start until YOU are pleased. I don't want to date.... I came back to my husband to stay--- at least til our kids are grown.... We've got a special needs son who needs his parents together. I'm the cheater--- I got sick of being with him and left. But now that I'm back I want to remain faithful. He wants me and has made it known he wants sex.... But luckily so far our kids have gotten in the way.... I do want him to be happy! I don't want to hurt him anymore! I'm just looking for some practical advice on how I can make myself let go of my desire for something other than what I have.... Does this even make sense?!?!?
HeyThere Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Sleep in seperate rooms and have an open marriage so your kids can get a two parent home. Nothing you do will ever make you a loving and faithful wife so stop lying to him and let him get his needs met elsewhere. Gosh Woggle, you’re a head case. Your mistrust of women is legendary and your comments here do nothing for me. Janicehc, my comments about dating are “tongue in cheek”, with the tongue firmly implanted. What I’m trying to point out is that you and your husband aren’t happy about the direction of the relationship and the ship part is adrift. TDP and mem11363 are always on target with their assessments and my take is that the both of you need to communicate openly about your feelings.
Author Janicehc Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 Ty for all of the input.... I so appreciate it and frankly wasn't sure what to expect!! First--- I do not want to make myself out to be a martyr, coz I not!! I'm sure my dating while we were separated has something to to with the "extra" sense of repulsion I feel now that we're back together! And second--these issues have existed since the early years of our marriage and I have talked to him honestly and openly over and again about his hygiene as well as the same discussions with counselors... He is very VERY sensitive to criticism and instead of making necessary changes, he fills with resentment and turns the tables on me by letting me know he's accepted and loves me just the way I am... Therefore I should love and accept him as is too--- stinky, messy, and all..... So-- since he won't change, I'm trying to adjust MY thinking.... Is there another way to get what I want? Or is there a way to get over my aversions and make the best of the years I have left with him???
HeyThere Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Your husband acts like a child that won’t do what’s in their own best interest. No harm in saying that to him, is there? Even though he is sensitive to these issues is no reason to avoid bringing it up. Keep letting him know how much you love him and how his weight and hygiene create a wedge between the two of you. These two issues must pose other significant problems in his general health, work and social areas as well. No harm in pointing that out as well. Keep reminding him how important he is to you and the children; what would happen if he is severally disabled or worse because of his inattention to these issues. Would he consider an aid to dropping the weight; surgery, support group, and IC? If the hygiene bothers you, it surely bothers those who come in contact with him. Keep at it.
Author Janicehc Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 Absolutely I feel like I've got an additional kid!! And yes, for the past 17 ears I've tried to coax him into taking care of himself... But to no avail-- he is convinced that I have something against MEN or anything masculine coz I don't like the stinky, sweaty, hairy, messy, slovenly, overrweight way he is--- he tells me I need to accept him the way he is.... And, frankly-- I understand his wanting acceptance... He has ADD and is a constant mess! He is kind and would help anyone in need and he loves our children without bounds! I just can't stand being close to him or next to him naked.... I'm not sure he'd ever be able to comprehend my needs or wants, I'm just trying to figure out how to adjust myself to live with it....
hoping2heal Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I don't know where else to start... Sex with my husband stinks... I'm not attracted to him physically and I don't know what to do! I feel horrible about that coz I'm not perfect by any means! We haven't had sex in months... Really we haven't had a good sex life in years! I want to be a le to change my mind about how I feel when he approaches me... How can I do that?? I love him-- he's a good guy and a good father. We've been together for 15 years.. Only recently reconciled after being separated... During which time I was seeing others... Before that, my feelings were the same--- he's let himself go... He's gained a lot of weight, doesn't bathe or shave regularly and is generally a slob. He's awkward in bed, and frankly I'm just repulsed... And I hate myself for feeling this way!!!!! Is there any hope that I can train myself to overlook these things and just accept him as is??? I've tried talking with him about this and he gets really upset and highly offended... He resents having to go through a "checklist" , i.e., bathing, shaving, losing weight, etc., to feel like he's approachable by me.... Bottom line is that I feel like I'm married to my brother and the thought of sex with him turns my stomach---and I don't wana feel that way! Any advice!?!? Please?!? I think he's being selfish quite frankly. You can't HELP that his lack of hygiene and pride is turning you off. Even his weight gain may not bother you as much if he made an effort to still be hygenic and take some sense of pride in his appearance. If I decide to stop shaving my underarms and my legs, start showering once or twice a month, let my hair ball up into a natty rats nest and quit brushing my teeth..should I REALLY have to WONDER why my partner isn't siked to rush over and cuddle with the fuzz on my teeth? COME ON. Weight gain is one issue but letting go of hygiene and such? Completely, completely selfish. What kind of dream world is he living in?
hoping2heal Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Absolutely I feel like I've got an additional kid!! And yes, for the past 17 ears I've tried to coax him into taking care of himself... But to no avail-- he is convinced that I have something against MEN or anything masculine coz I don't like the stinky, sweaty, hairy, messy, slovenly, overrweight way he is--- he tells me I need to accept him the way he is.... And, frankly-- I understand his wanting acceptance... He has ADD and is a constant mess! He is kind and would help anyone in need and he loves our children without bounds! I just can't stand being close to him or next to him naked.... I'm not sure he'd ever be able to comprehend my needs or wants, I'm just trying to figure out how to adjust myself to live with it.... This is a bunch of crap OP, so many people use that "accept me the way I am for me!" line to justify being lazy in a relationship. It's a cheap shot and a cop out line for people who want to sit on their duff and feel entitled without having to work at their RS or be thoughtful and considerate enough of their partner to keep up with basic things. Why don't you do this and see how he likes it : "I"m sorry but I just can't get turned on by a man who doesn't bathe regularly, practice good hygiene habits, and take care of his body..I'm really sorry but I need you to just accept me the way I am!"
Author Janicehc Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 I appreciate your input!! Ty!! I'm gonna try a version of the "accept me the way I am tactic"and use it to let him know I need someone who is clean and kept.... That's f'n brilliant! Why did I come back? Simply put-- my 9 yr old son is a special needs kid and the trauma of our separation was too much for him! My hub isn't a bad guy. But yea, he's kinda selfish... I think he's a narcissist... But that's a whole other forum.... I just wana survive the marriage as long as I can or at least until my sons are much older.... I'll keep checking back here.... The conversation has been comforting!! Thanks
hoping2heal Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I appreciate your input!! Ty!! I'm gonna try a version of the "accept me the way I am tactic"and use it to let him know I need someone who is clean and kept.... That's f'n brilliant! Why did I come back? Simply put-- my 9 yr old son is a special needs kid and the trauma of our separation was too much for him! My hub isn't a bad guy. But yea, he's kinda selfish... I think he's a narcissist... But that's a whole other forum.... I just wana survive the marriage as long as I can or at least until my sons are much older.... I'll keep checking back here.... The conversation has been comforting!! Thanks If you don't mind me asking..what does your son have? I'm sorry it impacted him the way it did. Just remember something, and I know people are going to cry foul about this..but just because you are married doesn't mean you have to or should say yes to sex you don't want. The reality is your husband could do something about it if he wanted to you to be turned on by him, but he just chooses not too. That isn't thinking about you is it! I love making sure I am clean, and smell nice. That I am soft and smell nice. I want to be pleasing to my partner I know he doesn't love me just for that, but hey! It doesn't hurt! I want him to feel excited by me and feel the enjoyment of attraction and the fireworks. You can love a person on the inside until you are blue in the face, but it's hard to think about that when you are staring at last weeks food stuck on their teeth turned green.
SarahRose Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Would he really accept you if you didn't bathe, brush your teeth and stunk? I seriously doubt it. Go to the store and get a small jar of Limburger cheese. Rub a little on your before you go to bed with him at night and see how he likes that stink. Hygiene is just part of being a responsible adult. He just needs to grow up and do it.
Lizzie60 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I have not read the whole thread.. sorry ... but here is what I would do if I were you... Being a slob is NOT acceptable... sorry if he feels he has to go through a checklist... I would never EVER have sex with someone who is not taking care of his hygiene.. there's a limit.. reallly... I would tell him that IF he wants sex.. he needs to take a shower.. (I wouldn't mind the shaving)... and lose some weight.. (although it wouldn,t be a priority for me.. unless he's huge)... but the personal hygiene is NOT negociable.. If he won't bulge.. then NO sex.. and sleep in a separate room.. (I wouldn't be able to sleep in the same bed...eeeewwww)... Ask him how he would feel .. if you didn't wash... gosh.. I can't imagine... even going close to his stinking pee-pee... gross...
Tayla Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Why yes! Stand your ground! Dont accept a person as is! That just holds them back from Being what you have grand plans for them to be! You stay in charge and Never under any circumstances Yield to their way of thinking. (Okay with that bunch of malarky out of the way lets really get to the center of this issue). You cannot change or prod someone into being what you WANT them to be so that you can desire them. This person is an Adult, not a piece of clay to be molded to YOUR needs. I was appauled to read how so few really looked at it for what it is. Your guilt for whatever reasons is creating these nice little outs for not committing to acceptance in its truest form. You may well clean up nicely in your appearence and it sure can win a heart. We learn best from example. ANd that is all we can do to encourage others. If he wants to carry body odor and he thinks his image isn't important then so be it. You need to ACCEPT what is before you can endorse a change that is positive for that other person. That is why a person can say "Accept me for who I am" Its about realizing the reality of that Fact. Once you do accept that fact then change can be influenced. Some folks just DONT get that point as so clearly shown. Accept this man if not for the good of the marriage, learn that you can be a positive force by dealing as an adult and not as a mother telling him to clean up. I think you said some positive things about your spouse in his kindness, and that is a very sweet thing to say. Find the goodness and learn to love him for where he is in this time in his life just as he loves you. Once a person can accentuate the positive the desire does enhance.
HeyThere Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 (edited) Maybe it’s just semantics, but her husband as an adult is acting like a child. She can accept him because he’s given her little choice. His hygiene is deplorable, unacceptable and shouldn’t even have an audience. His lack of self respect on this issue alone is analogous to spitting in her face. I personally couldn’t live with someone who’s stooped so low. (Un)fortunately, you’ve taken the adult position over your husband and he sees no to little need to grow up. No wonder you feel he’s like a sibling. Edited January 31, 2010 by HeyThere
carhill Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Does your H have a history of depression in addition to ADD? Is he in treatment? Does he work? I ask because, even in my line of work as a machinist (a 'dirty' job), grooming and hygiene are still required for interfacing with colleagues and customers. My stbx used to complain if she even smelled the faintest scent of machine oil on me, as it tended to infuse into body hair and be hard to remove. Scrub, scrub Lastly, children mirror their role models. Even with his apparently selfless nature, is your H a good role model? Is it the spectre of a special needs child which keeps you here? Would another man accept that child as part of the family unit that is you? To me, that would be a real fear; one ostensibly perpetuating the status quo. During your separation, did you have any IC or MC? If yes, how did that go?
Author Janicehc Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 This conversation has been amazing... I appreciate the differing points of view! I want the marriage to work and I don't want to feel repulsed when he touches me or kisses me ! And I know I'm not the best looking woman ever, but I wouldn't let him or anyone else come near me if I wasn't clean, soft, shaved, etc.! Nor do I have the perfect body---- but I can reach and find my important parts.... I can't get my arms around the man when I hug him! The last time we had sex---over a year ago, before I moved out----his weight about suffocated me and though I find a little sweat and glistening sexy.. He was so sweaty that it was like having an open faucet on top of me!! He's a terrible/sloppy kisser and I thot I would puke when he kissed me the other day!!! There... I've laid it all out and I feel like a real bitch for being this way.... Idk what to do about ME.... I don't wana hurt his feelings coz I know that's what happens when I say something about this.... How else can I handle it????
HeyThere Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Counseling, marriage and individual for each of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Author Janicehc Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 I haven't figured out how to cut and paste but here's responses to some of the questions... Yes he works... That's a good thin about him--- it's about all I can expect coz his job is of utmost importance! He drives a truck and delivers food for a major distributorship... So he works for many hours alone or with other warehouse people at the various delivery places yes-- his behavior has impacted our boys... They too have begun to think it's ok and manly to be messy and stinky... He's also a slob in the house so my boys have picked up his horrible housekeeping habits---ob the lack thereof... When we were separated however, my house and kids were clean always.... So the boys will do what they're expected.... But when they see dad is pig pen, then they too are slobs idk what IC or MC is to answer those questions.. But suffice it to say, durig the year I dated a few men and had awesome sex! I'm concerned now that I may be comparing him to at least my last bf before I moved back.... Neither man is perfect, but sex with one was outstanding..... Yes-- he does take meds for his ADD, but he's come to accept his disability as just that.... And asks me to accept his sloth as a part of who he is.... I do my best to understand, but the daily frustration is almost unbearable! Thanks to you all for such great input
carhill Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 IME, it takes both parties willing to 'work' for the M to survive. In addition to that work, there needs to be an underlying compatibility. You say you still love your husband but his appearance and hygiene are physically repulsing you. This tells me that, if he is willing to do his part, you can regain a healthy M. He was once attractive to you, I presume, or you would not have married him. IMO, you have to be willing to go for this to work out. Give it your best shot and communicate the reality of that choice to him. No waffling. I presume your special needs child will need life-long care so, unless you are willing to stick this M out forever, you will have to look at other options. Counseling can help, even if your H will not participate. Edit: IC = individual counseling MC = marital counseling I'd recommend, if H is involved, a clinical psychologist, considering his issues.
Lizzie60 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 -----But when they see dad is pig pen, then they too are slobs-------- this caught my attention... how about giving him an ultimatum.. for your sake and the sake of your kids.. Do you want your kids to become slobs like him? honestly... If nothing change.. then, at least .. you owe it to your kids.. to leave..
Recommended Posts