Anyone else has trouble with sharing their living space?

[Els]

Let me just say, before I begin: I'm not commitmentphobic. I love being able to have someone to come back to each day, someone to hold at night, etc.

 

But I'm just wondering, is it normal for all cohabitating couples to have problems with each other's routines and peculiarities? Level of cleanliness? How they leave the toilet seat? What time they come in to bed each night?

 

I realized that I'm extremely fussy about my sleeping conditions in particular, and I've never really shared a bedroom with anyone for a prolonged period of time before. I wake up with just about any noise/touch, and I can't go back to sleep very easily if I wake up. If I know the noise/touch is going to come (like a partner coming to bed after I've fallen asleep), the mere expectation of it can sometimes give me insomnia, especially if I'm stressed and worried over not being able to perform at work the next day.

 

I wonder if all couples have to deal with such stuff (not necessarily the same thing, just other living habits that clash), or if it's really easy for many of them. And I'm wondering how to make it work in the future. Or if I'm just one of those that isn't cut out to share their personal space with someone.

 

Practically the only solution I can think for my problem is to get a separate bedroom for me, that I would use whenever I absolutely need my sleep for work the next day and my SO won't be able to accommodate my sleep time/habits. But that would be pretty damned often if I get any sort of challenging/inflexible job. And I'm not even sure if any couples even do this?

 

I'm worried about my relationship's future.

[summer101]

Let me just say, before I begin: I'm not commitmentphobic. I love being able to have someone to come back to each day, someone to hold at night, etc.

 

But I'm just wondering, is it normal for all cohabitating couples to have problems with each other's routines and peculiarities? Level of cleanliness? How they leave the toilet seat? What time they come in to bed each night?

 

I realized that I'm extremely fussy about my sleeping conditions in particular, and I've never really shared a bedroom with anyone for a prolonged period of time before. I wake up with just about any noise/touch, and I can't go back to sleep very easily if I wake up. If I know the noise/touch is going to come (like a partner coming to bed after I've fallen asleep), the mere expectation of it can sometimes give me insomnia, especially if I'm stressed and worried over not being able to perform at work the next day.

 

I wonder if all couples have to deal with such stuff (not necessarily the same thing, just other living habits that clash), or if it's really easy for many of them. And I'm wondering how to make it work in the future. Or if I'm just one of those that isn't cut out to share their personal space with someone.

 

Practically the only solution I can think for my problem is to get a separate bedroom for me, that I would use whenever I absolutely need my sleep for work the next day and my SO won't be able to accommodate my sleep time/habits. But that would be pretty damned often if I get any sort of challenging/inflexible job. And I'm not even sure if any couples even do this?

 

I'm worried about my relationship's future.

 

I don't know if it's normal or not. But I can empathize with you, because I have many of the same issues.

 

My boyfriend and I have been living together for a few months now and I have had ALOT of trouble adjusting to the "little things" as well. Before we moved in together, I lived alone for a year and a half. I still miss it. I love my "quiet time". I need silence without NOISE during the day.

 

I often go to sleep earlier than my boyfriend. Even if I'm in the room with the door closed, I can hear the tv on when I'm trying to fall asleep. I cringe that I can still hear it when I'm trying to read, study, relax, etc. My boyfriend just doesn't have an issue with it. He can sleep with it on and be fine. I on the other hand, can hear a pin drop and awake to the slightest noise. I wear ear plugs EVERY NIGHT. Sexy, huh? Well without them, (and even with them), I would not be able to function due to lack of sleep. My boyfriend wants the fan on...I can't sleep with the noise of it....He wants the thermostat down at night....I need it warmer.....He is bothered by the light coming through from the street lights...I like it because I don't like pure darkness!

 

There's other things like the way he leaves his things on the bathroom counter, the toilet seat up, after he shaves, leaves a towel full of facial hair on the counter (ick). He isn't dirty, and sometimes I think I'm overly critical but I can't help it. I got used to living one way and it seems as though everything he does is the exact opposite of what I'm used to.

 

I don't know if I need to calm down or if I'm unreasonable. I don't know if this is normal but I do feel your pain. I fear for my relationship as well because arguments are started because of these things often. Can anyone out there who has been married or cohabitated for longer attest to whether or not things fall into place later on? Or are we doomed?

[Angel1111]

Yeah, it's very normal. They always say that the first year of marriage is the toughest, and it's because of things like you mentioned. Some people make the transition more easily and some have to really work at it. You're trying to get used to each other's lifestyles, and trying to merge them at the same time. It can be tricky. You probably need to let your spouse know about the things that are really bugging you to see if you can work out a compromise.

[Lauriebell82]

Living together is not easy..you have to get used to being around someone all the time! Fiance and I have different sleep schedules sometimes. I don't work early morning hours now so I am going to bed later and sleeping later. He ALWAYS wakes me up in the morning when he is getting ready for work as well. It's annoying but I am usually able to fall back asleep.

 

You basically just have to get used to it if you want to share a room! But for the record some couples do sleep in different beds, usually because of either different sleep schedules or problems with one partner snoring.

[threebyfate]

With my two marriages, no problems with living together. Cleanliness, I'm the more OCD person but in both scenarios, we pulled in domestic help so there really wasn't anything to argue about.

 

As for schedules, the majority of my first marriage was similar wake up schedules and going to sleep. With my second marriage, we also wake up the same time, where he goes into the office and I work from home. We tend to sleep at different times, since he needs more sleep than I do. So I usually go to bed with him and then sneak out, which he's aware of.

 

Cooking is 90% me, for both marriages. Cleaning up after meals is 90% the responsibility of my spouse. Laundry is my responsibility, where we each iron our own clothing and take care of our own drycleaning.

 

Grocery shopping was shared in my first marriage and this second marriage, is taken care of by our domestic help.

 

Bills have been split evenly.

[norajane]

This is one of the reason why I'm not a big fan of moving in together before marriage. It's hard work learning to live together and I don't want to do that kind of hard work if we aren't so committed to each other as to marry.

 

Also, if you were married and committed to each other, you would be just as committed to finding a way to make it work and ways to compromise as you are to the relationship. Without that kind of commitment, it's easy to have it in the back of your mind that being unable to find a compromise on the sink full of shaving hairs means you aren't right for each other.

 

Anyway, off my soapbox.

 

Elswyth, I'd suggest looking into yoga and meditation and learning the deep breathing and relaxation techniques. You can use those techniques to focus on your breathing which will help still your mind and help you to relax enough to fall asleep, and to fall back asleep if you're woken up in the middle of the night.

 

I rarely have sleep issues, but the few times I have, I've used two relaxation techniques effectively - neither are yoga or mediation techniques, but they've worked. One is to physically tense parts of your body for a few seconds, and then relax them, breathing deeply on the relaxation part a few times. Start at your left foot, left leg, right foot, right leg, etc. Work your way up your body to your neck and head. Often times, you'll fall back asleep before you're done, or you can do it over.

 

The other method is similar, except that you just breathe deeply, in and out, and as you do so you concentrate on how heavy (or light) parts of your body are getting, as if your body is falling heavily asleep (or lightly floating on a cloud) part by part. Same thing, start with a foot and work up to your head, breathing deeply the whole time.

 

In time, you will get used to your bf's comings and goings and won't be as disturbed by them as you are now. They will become comforting. When I lived with my ex, we worked different hours and he'd end up coming home to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning. I got used to hearing his feet coming up the stairs when he got home from work at midnight, and that became comforting because he was home safe and I'd fall back asleep right away and wouldn't even hear the shower or tv or anything. Then I'd wake up when he came to bed, and that became comforting when he'd snuggle up with me. It took a while to get used to this, but then it didn't bother me once I did and became a routine. You get used to the routine.

 

Give it time.

 

The rest...you and your bf need to communicate, compromise, work out who does what, establish expectations and absolute deal-breakers, and give each other a break now and then. You'll work it out...if you're really committed to each other.

Edited February 1, 2010 by norajane

[threebyfate]

Elswyth, if you're tired enough, you WILL sleep! And after enough times, you'll get used to sleeping with someone. Just make sure you get a quality mattress that doesn't cause you to roll towards your heavier mate.