Els Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Brief summary: Been with the bf for 1.5 years. LD for the majority of those 1.5 years, dated IRL and had several visits where he stayed at my place, but had never lived together (as in, cohabitated) for any significant amount of time before. Recently, he came over for 2 months. Conditions weren't very good - we were both crammed in my one room, there was literally nowhere else for either of us to go, no living room or kitchen. I've heard stories where people have trouble adapting when they move in with each other after a long period of LD, and I was wary of that. But despite my precautions, it led to an argument near the end of the 2 months, because we were both having trouble adapting to various things that don't pop up unless you're living together. Just one argument, which we finally managed to resolve, but still a huge one. Now, he's left, and I initially planned to go to his country after graduation on their working holiday scheme, while waiting for the Masters applications for 2011 to open up. Plan was that I'd stay at his place and just do some little part time work to cover food and other small expenses (can't take a real job on the working holiday scheme and my degree isn't recognized there anyway). Here's the dilemma: I'm not sure if I should stay at his place or not. I'm truly afraid we'd both just have so much trouble adapting to the drastic change that we'd end up breaking up. I've heard testimonies of people who swore that if they could do it over again, they wouldn't move in immediately after going ITR - they'd at least get their own room at first, to allow each other to adapt to the longterm change. His room is very much like mine - just a ROOM. We'd both be in each others' faces 24/7, whether we'd like it or not. But, if I want to get my own place, it'd be terribly hard on part-time wages. I'd need to work many, many extra hours just for that. I wouldn't have much time for him. Any comments/input?
hoping2heal Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Brief summary: Been with the bf for 1.5 years. LD for the majority of those 1.5 years, dated IRL and had several visits where he stayed at my place, but had never lived together (as in, cohabitated) for any significant amount of time before. Recently, he came over for 2 months. Conditions weren't very good - we were both crammed in my one room, there was literally nowhere else for either of us to go, no living room or kitchen. I've heard stories where people have trouble adapting when they move in with each other after a long period of LD, and I was wary of that. But despite my precautions, it led to an argument near the end of the 2 months, because we were both having trouble adapting to various things that don't pop up unless you're living together. Just one argument, which we finally managed to resolve, but still a huge one. Now, he's left, and I initially planned to go to his country after graduation on their working holiday scheme, while waiting for the Masters applications for 2011 to open up. Plan was that I'd stay at his place and just do some little part time work to cover food and other small expenses (can't take a real job on the working holiday scheme and my degree isn't recognized there anyway). Here's the dilemma: I'm not sure if I should stay at his place or not. I'm truly afraid we'd both just have so much trouble adapting to the drastic change that we'd end up breaking up. I've heard testimonies of people who swore that if they could do it over again, they wouldn't move in immediately after going ITR - they'd at least get their own room at first, to allow each other to adapt to the longterm change. His room is very much like mine - just a ROOM. We'd both be in each others' faces 24/7, whether we'd like it or not. But, if I want to get my own place, it'd be terribly hard on part-time wages. I'd need to work many, many extra hours just for that. I wouldn't have much time for him. Any comments/input? The couples who feel that moving in together too soon due to "adaptability" issues caused the demise of their RS are only assuming. They have no accurate basis to know if it would or wouldn't of worked out ANYWAY. Life isn't chalk full of perfect circumstances in which to accomplish what we want, and we as humans adapt to THAT truth all of the time. Most of us don't stop living or chasing our dreams and achieving our goals. Cramping two people together in a room to live is like the lightening round in the moment of truth. If you two don't get stock sick of one another and make it through this..that will say great things about the "long haul."
Rollercoasterr Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 As much as I love Mathew, and y'all know I really do, I don't think I could stand be cramped in a tiny room with him for months. I'd probably want to punch him or something. Does that mean we're doomed to failure? Heck no. It just means that I want to be able to escape when he's tooting or that sometimes I'd like to read by myself. I think everything will be just fine with the two of you. If you really don't want to risk the fighting again, then get your own room. But can you legally work in his country? That part confuses me. I know Mathew couldn't work here, and I couldn't work there, but I'm not familiar with the labor laws of other countries. Els, I'm so happy that you're going to get the chance to go be with him until your Masters starts.
Author Els Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 (edited) Cramping two people together in a room to live is like the lightening round in the moment of truth. If you two don't get stock sick of one another and make it through this..that will say great things about the "long haul." The problem is that surviving ANY trying circumstance will say great things about the 'long haul', but I really don't think that means that we should purposefully go through any trying circumstances that we can find in order to prove that. There WILL be a circumstance that can lead to the unfortunate death of a relationship that would otherwise have flourished... more exaggerated examples would include an accident which causes complete mental derangement or physical incapability to one party, neurological diseases that alter personality completely, abject poverty (the kind where you don't even have food to eat), etc. It's not really about being sick of each other - it's that it doesn't give each other the room to breathe and personal freedom within the house. It just magnifies all the small stuff unnecessarily. My question was really if anyone had had the chance to experience this, or knows anyone who did, though. About how they worked through the tangles, as well, if they succeeded. As much as I love Mathew, and y'all know I really do, I don't think I could stand be cramped in a tiny room with him for months. I'd probably want to punch him or something. Does that mean we're doomed to failure? Heck no. It just means that I want to be able to escape when he's tooting or that sometimes I'd like to read by myself. I think everything will be just fine with the two of you. If you really don't want to risk the fighting again, then get your own room. But can you legally work in his country? That part confuses me. I know Mathew couldn't work here, and I couldn't work there, but I'm not familiar with the labor laws of other countries. Els, I'm so happy that you're going to get the chance to go be with him until your Masters starts. Thanks, RC! I can work part-time there because they have a 6-month working holiday scheme for people of my country aged 18-30. Which means I can go there as a tourist for 6 months but I can also legally work in part-time jobs. Which don't pay much, unfortunately - I'd need to work about 80 hours extra per month to cover the rent of my own apartment + bills. If I stayed at his place I could just work maybe just 6 hours a day (which would make me a much happier person and a nicer one to be around), save further money by cooking for us in the communal kitchen (because I can afford the time to)... but yes, we'd be cramped in one room unless we go out. And over there (it's a small town place), everywhere else closes at 5... Edited January 31, 2010 by Elswyth
Rollercoasterr Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 That's awesome Els. Having the ability to stay and work for 6 months would be awesome. What do you really feel in this situation??? Do you feel like you and he could make it work living in one room(leave fear out of this)? Or do you FEEL that things would be better(again, leaving fear out) if you had your own seperate rooms? Keep in mind that every day you're going to be out of the apartment while you work. That'll give you at least 6 hours to yourselves. And then there's the commute home. And maybe there would be an awesome bookstore or something on your way home and you could waste a couple of hours there once in a while. You're not going to be in each others faces 24/7 like last time.
Romance Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 The longest I've stayed with my boyfriend was a week. It was a big annoying only because I didn't live there, yet was stuck there without all of my own comforts from home. However, if you will actually be LIVING together as in having your permanent stuff there, I see no issue with it. You will have your own stuff there and things to do.
norajane Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 His room is very much like mine - just a ROOM. We'd both be in each others' faces 24/7, whether we'd like it or not. OMG, I'd get sick of living with myself in only one room. If you can't afford a place on your own, can't he move out of wherever this room of his is, and you two rent a bigger place together? Like, with at least 2 rooms??? With a door in between the rooms!
Author Els Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 RC - I don't know! My thoughts are conflicting! But for now I suppose I should focus on getting the visa in the first place and working out arrangements with my parents - like all good Asian parents, they aren't too happy with their daughter leaving for a foreign country to work in McDs after graduating as a pharmacist in her home country. :/ Oh no, Romance, I can only be there for a few months - so it's semi permanent I guess. NJ - No, sadly, we can't. It would cost double that of his room at least, so we're really back to square one. He's a student, and I could afford it but I'd need to work many extra hours for it.
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