Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I had to copy this from the No sex..... weight gain thread.... What is especially interesting was this is the persons first post on LS, on page 45 of what is now a dead thread...... But their is I think great insight that while it does focus on weight, really can be a reflection on other aspects of a loving relationship and what one must do to keep it fresh and alive..... I didn't want it to get lost in that thread and thought it deserved it's own thread.... When you're stuck on blame, life stays the same It was difficult to read about this experience when it seems like the husband has been charged with your anger and pain. Part of the maturation process means reconciling that things such as attraction and feelings are dynamic; they are subject to change. I've heard so many women during the course of my life who are angry with their partners because they see them as they really are. Being overweight is usually not attractive and it's obvious. The 'pretty faces' I've seen on women who are overweight are great to look at (for a man, I guess) but husbands aren't physically attracted to just a pretty face. The majority of what initially attracts people are physical attributes; very rarely have I found a man who is initially attracted to my mind or the 'possibilities' of who I may be inside. Looks provide incentive for further exploration. That is the nature of the beast. So to be upset with someone that their feelings have changed, something no one has control over, is pointless. You cannot control how you feel, only what you do as a result of what you feel. This anger seems a bit misplaced. Why do we act as though fat 'happened' to us? One must literally, slowly eat their way to 20-30-40-50-100 pounds overweight. Anytime during that process they can acknowledge clothes that don't fit, discomfort, etc. I believe hanging onto resentment as a barrier to embracing his feelings is what prevents you from owning your problem as a simple matter of eating more food than you can quickly metabolize, lack of exercise to balance this activity and resentment that chokes your compassion for a man that is just as disappointed as you are. He has a right to what you advertised when you married him, or at least something similar. You seem upset that he doesn't want to buy what you're selling now. That said, no one looks amazing for ever but it's unrealistic to expect to be treated like you are hot if you don't even care enough lose the weight for yourself. Sex is not about duty it's about desire. If you want to be desired, you need to be desirable to that person. If you really want that, work for it.
hopeful1980 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I can not relate. My husband has gained weight and lost weight since we've been married and it didn't affect my attraction to him. I've put on weight after two children, lost it, have stretch marks and a saggy stomach after all of that and through it all my husband couldn't keep his hands off of me. When I was at my heaviest he still wanted sex with me all the time and told me I was beautiful everyday. I truly believe the issue is less about the weight and more about how a person who has gained weight feels about themselves. If you don't feel sexy, you don't act sexy and that attitude shines through. I think that's the root of the turn off more than the actual lbs but I could be wrong. Like I said, I've never had this problem thankfully.
Recommended Posts