Stephm67 Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Hi everyone, Just joined today as Idon't know where to go or what to do anymore. Here's my story, About 3 months ago, my fiancee or 5 years just simply announced to me that our relationship was over. Iwas floored. Maybe I should have seen the signs and even though things weren't perfect, I never saw this coming. We have a beautiful 19 month old baby girl and the thought of being seperated from her along with her mother is killing me. At the momnet we still live in the same house as our lease is not over until April. Needless to say this makes the situation even harder as I see her every single day. A few days ago we talked and she said she wanted to give it a try. See if the feelings she had for me come back. I was overjoyed. Then last night she tells me that she doesn't want to try anymore...after 2 days. Saying that her heart is telling her that her feelings won't come back and there's no use hurting me further. We used to be so happy. Everyone thought we were the "perfect couple". Not being with her or my daughter is breaking me up inside. Tears have been flowing and I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to fight for us and the other part just wants to give up. I keep thinking that she hasn't really loved me in a very long time. I look back and our intimate relationship has been pretty bad for at least 3 years. Maybe she just saw me as a friend all this time and never really more then that and now she finally decided to do something about it. God I just want this to end and for the pain I've been feeling on and off for the past 3 months to just go away. For all of this time it's been over, and then it's been give her time to see if the love comes back and then it's over again and then give her time...but how can she fall back in love with me when I am not myself and trying to be someone I think she could love...maybe she never really truly loved me. I'm rambling and I'm sorry for that. Just hurting and confused and angry and have no clue what to do.
Author Stephm67 Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 Also, although NC does sound wonderful at this time, how can I succesfully accomplish when kids are involved?
GrayClouds Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Stephm sorry about your pain. It will get better. Do not try to make sense out of it, you are too close to it right now. She is confused and nothing you can do can un-confuse her. There are things you can do to help make it eaiser, not easy but easier. Read the following and do what it says, specially the focus on yourself and what you need part: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? With the child the NC will be difficult. But making you and your child the priority is paramount. You can do Limited Contact, keep the conversions polite, keep them short, and keep them about the child. Do not talk about the relationship, feelings, or other things that is happen in your life. And the important thing of NC is more then just the contact but the other actions. Good luck, you will get through this.
Author Stephm67 Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 Thanks for the grat advice. Gonna give it a shot. Another thing that's strange...she keeps telling me that she has no feelings for me at all anymore. She says she loves hanging out with me and laughing and having a good time, but as far as the intimacy goes, there's nothing there at all. So when this first happened, I did the guy thing and went out and met a few women. Exchanged cell numbers and received a few text messages from them. My cell was unlocked and on the table a few times and she saw the messages and got right pissed off. She gets mad at me when she thinks other women might be involved and always says the same thing...that if I go "there" then if we had a chance to work things out, that would definately end it all once and for all. I tell her it's not fair for her to say that to me as she is the one who ended this and I'm trying to move on.
GrayClouds Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 She is messing with your head in a selfish and hurtful way. More reason to go NC and focus on yourself but what she does or say from here on out just does not matter. She is no longer part of your life. Her loss.
Author Stephm67 Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 Thanks for that. Today was a hard day. We are still living in the same house. Like I said our lease isn't up until April. So, I'm stuck here. She wants to be nice and talk and hang out with me in my man cave, which is what we've been doing for the past month or so, but since she told on Friday that she no longer wants to try, I don't know how to act around her. I'm trying NC as far as not being around her and doing my own thing, but then she says that I'm not doing my part with the baby. I'm trying to follow CaliGuy's great advice as far as not being friends, but then she gets right pissed off at me. Says that we can atleast me civil. Well Iam being civil...but she told me I was ignoring her and not being really nice. Does she not understand how hard this is. How much this is killing me??? Ibroke down in front of my beautiful baby girl and she came and put her arms around me and kissed me. Being apart from her is the last thing I want but it's going to happen wheter I want it or not.
skydiveaddict Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Dude you gotta find SOME WAY to get out of that house. you're gonna drive yourself insane you will never start to heal until you can separate yourself form your current situation
Author Stephm67 Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 I know...but we only have one car...so how would she get the baby to daycare? I guess I could go and stay with a friend, I've gotten the offer, but I would still see her as Iwould have to drive my daughter to daycare. This is a mess...I so want to go NC, but I'm stuck!!! I gotta deal with the living situation but I'm also dealing with my heart being shattered!
skydiveaddict Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I know...but we only have one car...so how would she get the baby to daycare? I guess I could go and stay with a friend, I've gotten the offer, but I would still see her as Iwould have to drive my daughter to daycare. This is a mess...I so want to go NC, but I'm stuck!!! I gotta deal with the living situation but I'm also dealing with my heart being shattered! Go stay with the friend. And who's car is it? If it's yours, take it. As far as the daycare issue, let her worry about that. SHE's the one who doesnt want you in her life. Dont pamper her. there are millions of single moms who manage to get their kids to daycare. If the car is hers, let her have it and borrow your friend's car when you need it until you can afforrd one. The most important thing is to get out of there so you can have some piece of mind
Author Stephm67 Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 If I do the car thing like that, then all of a sudden I'm the *********. Maybe I'll come over and pick up my daughter and she can find her own way to work. The car is ours...so it's pretty hard to just completely take it. She's actually mad at me because I'm trying to ignore her...Idunno if I'm coming or going anymore.
D-Lish Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Yes, get the heck out of that house. Talk to your landlord and tell him the situation, see if he/she is open to helping you find new renters- do something, anything to get you out of the house. April is a long time to put up with this. She's going to have to get used to the idea of you not being around as much- and since this is what she wants, don't wait. At the very least, go stay with your friend, and arrange times to come by and see your daughter. I think you have to take a hard line with her. She can't have it both ways.
skydiveaddict Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 If I do the car thing like that, then all of a sudden I'm the *********. Maybe I'll come over and pick up my daughter and she can find her own way to work. The car is ours...so it's pretty hard to just completely take it. She's actually mad at me because I'm trying to ignore her...Idunno if I'm coming or going anymore. Ok so let her have the car ,that's fine. She can do all the daycare /baby stuff by herself then. She's "mad" that you're ignoring her? After she broke up with you? Does that sound like logical thinking to you? Go stay with your friend. Let her sleep in the bed she made. Do NOT let this girl continue to manipulate you like this. You're gonna drive yourself crazy. You REALLY need to get out of your situation so you can pull yourself back together.
Author Stephm67 Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 Thanks for the advice everyone. Guess I gotta get out of this house...but the thought of leaving my daughter is killing me. It does not sound logical at all...she always mad at me when I try to distance myself from her...and if she finds out I'm talking to other women, she accuses me of doing this for her benifit to try and make her jealous...I'm just trying to move on. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Author Stephm67 Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 The pain is so bad today. I feel so damn alone and I jsut have no motivation to do anything. I wanna just go home and flop down on the couch and do nothing. All my friends are married or have GF's. I sure as hell don't wanna feel like a 3rd wheel. Sometimes I wish I would go to sleep and just never wake up. No need for concern as I would never do anything to hurt myself but I just don't wanna go through this pain anymore.
madrugada Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Hey, you've come to the right place. Don't feel like you have to apologize for your emotions or justify your pain. It's okay to feel what you're feeling. Trust me, I know just what you are going through. It's been three months since my fiancee left me, and when she moved out I was in the same spot you are in. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep forever. Lack of motivation? Yep. The continuous stomach roll? That too. All I can say is it takes time. When I was in the lowest spot I never thought things would get better, but they did. I'm not saying I'm sh***ing rainbows or anything, but the pain does lessen. Take the advice of the people on this forum, especially GrayClouds. There is a lot of wisdom and experience from the folks here who've been through what you are going through.
Author Stephm67 Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 Thanks you for your reply. I'm reading a lot and it all makes sense as I'm reading it...but then I go home and have to live it and it's jsut so hard. I have no where to go...well except for maybe a friend's place but I don't wanna impose and I could go to my mother's place...but that would just make me feel worse I think. I know that if I had my own place I could deal with it a little better I think... Today is the worse it's been in a long time. My head just doesn't feel right and I'm on the verge of tears all day long. I keep thinking of the way we were and it just doesn't make sense.
Catseye8 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Do your friends know your situation? I get why you don't want to impose, but good friends would have no problems with letting you stay on their couch for a couple of weeks while you look for a place of your own. Or even just to give you a break from the current situation. You can't go on like this till April. If I were you, I'd make arrangements to get out of there and then sit down with your ex and have a conversation about how you're going to split time and care with your daughter. Don't let her drag you off the topic, either. She's clearly all over the place right now and it's not fair of her to drag you through the mud.
Author Stephm67 Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 Everyone knows the situation and no one can believe it. Everyone thought of us as the perfect couple and then bang. Either it was all a great act from the beginning or she found someone else. She denies both of these situations and says she jsut fell out of love...whatever. My friends all have families. I can't do that. I think I'm going to have to find myself a roomate or maybe move in with mom for a bit. Save some cash and buy a house. If we had 2 cars, I would tell her that I need a long break from seeing her and could make that happen...but I can't. Maybe tonight I will tell ehr that she needs to buy herself a car and seriously stop depending on me. She can't have everything.
Author Stephm67 Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 So last night wasn't so bad...still hard being in the same house. I told her yesterday that I could not be friends with her and she said she understood. Now she walks around liek she's pissed off at ME!!! Like I'm the one who did something wrong because I'm basically ignoring her. I take care of my daughter. Give her baths, make her supper, play with her and the ex is around and sees that but I don't even look at her. I have been doing this for a day now. I don't ever make eye contact with her and never ever look at her and it seems to be helping me...but looks liek she doesn't like it. Too bad. This hurts bad enough without me having to worry about whether or not I am hurting her feelings.
hotdancer2009 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Steph, sorry to hear about what you are going through. I am in a similar situation except that there is no baby involved. My fiance broke up with me and we are living together. I'm moving out on extremely short notice. I spent all day looking at apartments last weekend, found a place, and am moving this weekend. I don't even have a truck, and I'm too depressed to care. I'm just going to throw all my crap in my car and drive off. I'll sleep on an inflatable bed and do without furniture for a while. It hurts so bad, but I know that the best thing is for me to get the heck out of this house. I can't listen to him tell me the reasons he is leaving me for the 20th time! So I say, protect yourself, and get out of there. You will both find a way to move on. Trust in the the man upstairs, and if you don't believe in the the man upstairs, then trust that things will only get better...because, guess what? They can't get worse!!!
angelaM Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I am so sorry you are going through this, and that she is making it even more difficult for you to cope. She is messing with you and it's insensitive and cruel. I'm sorry. I agree that the best thing you can do right now is get out of there, as soon as possible. You don't have to plan too far in advance, just look a few days ahead. Stay with your mom for now. You need to get out of there in order to think more clearly and you shouldn't have to put up with her crap. She decides it's over and then she gets mad at YOU for how you deal with her decision? Sorry, that's crazy. Look out for yourself and do what you can for your daughter, and just take things a little at a time.
Author Stephm67 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 Steph, sorry to hear about what you are going through. I am in a similar situation except that there is no baby involved. My fiance broke up with me and we are living together. I'm moving out on extremely short notice. I spent all day looking at apartments last weekend, found a place, and am moving this weekend. I don't even have a truck, and I'm too depressed to care. I'm just going to throw all my crap in my car and drive off. I'll sleep on an inflatable bed and do without furniture for a while. It hurts so bad, but I know that the best thing is for me to get the heck out of this house. I can't listen to him tell me the reasons he is leaving me for the 20th time! So I say, protect yourself, and get out of there. You will both find a way to move on. Trust in the the man upstairs, and if you don't believe in the the man upstairs, then trust that things will only get better...because, guess what? They can't get worse!!! I know what you mean about the reaons...it's always the same thing over and over again and all she is doing is giving herself an excuse so that she's not the bad guy in her own head. this way, she puts the blame on me and i'm the one who knows has to be hearbroken AND know that it was all my fault. Well no more of that crap. I know I wasn't perfect in this thign, but I was always there for her and was always very loving and respectful without being one the "too nice guys". So this is her problem. Even now, i'm getting asked out on dates and I'M feeling guilty about going!!! How messed up is that?!
Author Stephm67 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 I am so sorry you are going through this, and that she is making it even more difficult for you to cope. She is messing with you and it's insensitive and cruel. I'm sorry. I agree that the best thing you can do right now is get out of there, as soon as possible. You don't have to plan too far in advance, just look a few days ahead. Stay with your mom for now. You need to get out of there in order to think more clearly and you shouldn't have to put up with her crap. She decides it's over and then she gets mad at YOU for how you deal with her decision? Sorry, that's crazy. Look out for yourself and do what you can for your daughter, and just take things a little at a time. Thank you for the reply. Yes, that's exactly what's going on. I'm having such a hard time. Just the thought of going through all the boxes that we never unpacked when we moved into the house and seperating what is mine and what is hers...I feel like i'm falling apart...and she doesn't care...not one bit. She told me today that she went and cancelled out lease. Well it's only a month earlier then the lease was going to be over anyway, and then told me that she is looking at a place where their is daycare and shopping centers and this and that, like she doesn't have a care in the world! How am I gonna get through this without breaking down I don't know...
hotdancer2009 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Sounds to me like you were a loving guy and didn't do anything wrong. Stop blaming yourself! Just like I didn't do anything wrong and got rejected. People change; I'm in love with the old version of my ex, but the new version?...good riddance. Why would you want to be with someone who makes you feel like crap? (This attitude helps me, instead of focusing on the pain.) Ah yes, the division of the property! My ex fiance and I will be doing that on Saturday when I pack. Let me know how it goes for you. Take a strong stance on the items you want; you deserve it. The good news is that packing and moving doesn't take more than a day or two. Once you are out of there you will feel so much better. I know I will. P.S. You got the girls lined up for dates already? Geez, now I'm just jealous!
Zeegagge Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Hey man, I was in a very similar situation to yours just a few months ago. I was stuck living in a house with my ex fiance for two 1/2 months. It was wild and very difficult I have to say and made it extremely tough on me. I nearly lost my mind more than a few times. It was not healthy in any way. She recently left the house for good, about two weeks ago. In that two weeks I have healed more than in the whole time she was living here. That was even with me being around her as little as possible during that time. I never broke down in front of her. Not living with her has done wonders for my healing process, and I feel better now than I have in a long long time. The point here is, GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE, whatever it takes, just do it. My situation is also similar to yours in that nothing crazy really happened, she just lost her feelings for me, sex life and all. It all sounded so familiar reading your post. I know it hurts now, but these things happen and you will soon realize that you are better off in the long run. I know this because it's happening to me, and if I can make it, anyone can. I wish you the best of luck, and oh yah, already got dates lined up? Nice one mate, I did the same, and it was... know what, I'll let you figure that one out on your own, have fun!
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