onewillburn Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 It has been such a strange year for me. I've been broken up with my ex since June and everything I've done since then seems to be in reference to my old relationship. I can't for the life of me understand why this is. I guess I was way more dependent on it than I had realized when I was in it. My entire life revolved around it, really. We lived together and really didn't talk to anybody else for about two years. I have had a lot of "flings" with girls since June. It's been pretty easy for me to just meet a girl, fool around with her in some way, and then feel nothing for her. I have yet to meet a girl that I can say I like and would want to be in a relationship with. I want to find that girl, but I feel so emotionally empty that I might not even be looking correctly. Even relationships with my friends are empty. I can't express myself to them without putting on a kind of act. I feel like I'm slowly becoming part of a crowd that I don't really like. I don't feel superior to them or anything, it's just that I don't really like the lifestyle of getting wasted all the time and hooking up with random girls. It sounds fun, I guess, but not everything is for everybody. I played music for a big part of my life. I've tried to get back into the local scene and have even met a kid a few years younger than me who plays drums. He's really into the scene so he's gotten me back into going to shows and has introduced me to a bunch of people who I can probably relate to better than others. The problem is, apparently my ex-girlfriend is now apart of this scene. Everybody I've been introduced to knows her, I guess. I found this out through the drummer friend mentioning her in conversation. This is such a strange feeling. There is no way we can get along. I made a post here in December about how she was talking **** about me to mutual friends. I had been in no contact. But I broke it and eventually wrote her a message on facebook trying to make amends. Do you know what she did? She printed the letter and tried to get a restraining order against me. They wouldn't give one to her, because I obviously wasn't harassing her in any way (I had been no contact for months previously) and the letter was completely friendly. But wtf? I still ended up getting a call from the police telling me that even though I obviously wasn't a threat or anything that I should just be careful about going to anywhere she might be at. More adversity, I guess. It just pushes me to try harder. I know I can't give in or give up. I can find a way around this nonsense and hopefully play shows without any drama coming into the equation. I just wish my life didn't still feel so empty. I don't miss her. I just miss having that connection with somebody. I feel so alone, but I've gotten used to that. How do you guys get over feeling empty?
Meaplus3 Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Well, there are lot's of things you can do to rid that empty feeling. You can focus on a hobby you adore, good friends to hang out with, surround yourself with family and so forth. Time does heal all wounds.. so let yourself take the time you need to heal from your last R. You will find someone.. it just may take some time. All the best to you. Mea:)
Author onewillburn Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 Well, there are lot's of things you can do to rid that empty feeling. You can focus on a hobby you adore, good friends to hang out with, surround yourself with family and so forth. Time does heal all wounds.. so let yourself take the time you need to heal from your last R. You will find someone.. it just may take some time. All the best to you. Mea:) Thank you. I have to admit that time does heal a lot of the pain I've felt. As for your advice, I have gotten big into fitness which is another reason it's harder to relate to my friends these days as their lifestyle kind of clashes with my own. Going to the gym everyday is a must for me. It's kind of one of the only things that keeps me sane, I think. I'd like to get closer with the relatively small amount of family that lives near me, but it's hard sometimes. They're very stressed out and busy, usually. And they kind of stress me out at times. Still, it's something I'd like to pursue. I often feel like there's this invisible brick wall between me and the girls I hang out with (I wouldn't call it dating, really). I can get "intimate" with them, but when it comes time to talk or go out, I feel cold. I have trouble believing or caring what the other person says if we're talking. I often find the conversations mundane. I don't know. I don't feel any kind of chemistry. I'm sure you're right in that I'll meet the right person someday. I'd just like to believe I'm not broken...I've become so nonchalant about it all.
counterman Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 If you feel that getting drunk and having flings with your friends is not enjoyable then just stop doing that. You won't be feeling that connection with anyone any time soon if you are still getting over a break-up, which does not mean you miss her. I agree completely with Mea. Do something you love to do. Hang out with family. Go out with friends that don't get drunk and have flings. I find that working out also helps and playing sports. Joining other social activities too. Music sounds good but avoid anything that relates back to your ex. Try another scene. Anything that keeps you preoccupied. Just a matter of time. Stay strong;)
Simon Attwood Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 You're the second user on here that I have felt compelled to ask; is your user name a Joy Division reference? I still ended up getting a call from the police telling me that even though I obviously wasn't a threat or anything that I should just be careful about going to anywhere she might be at. The police are obviously correct here. Currently, unfortunately, your very existence is perceived in her mind as a threat and there's no real way around that, other than often heard cry around these parts, of "No Contact". Anything else will just aggravate the problem. If and when she emerges from this state of mind (and it's a big IF!) then maybe, just maybe, she might have the courage to contact you (and that's a big MAYBE!). Until then, emerge yourself in as many things that interest you as you can to keep your mind focused elsewhere. MBCT might also help (Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy).
Author onewillburn Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 You're the second user on here that I have felt compelled to ask; is your user name a Joy Division reference? The police are obviously correct here. Currently, unfortunately, your very existence is perceived in her mind as a threat and there's no real way around that, other than often heard cry around these parts, of "No Contact". Anything else will just aggravate the problem. If and when she emerges from this state of mind (and it's a big IF!) then maybe, just maybe, she might have the courage to contact you (and that's a big MAYBE!). Until then, emerge yourself in as many things that interest you as you can to keep your mind focused elsewhere. MBCT might also help (Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy). It is a Joy Division reference...and a trite one just as well. Haha. Not surprising that I'm not the only one, either. Heh. Anyway, yeah. I know. I really don't want her to contact me after she's gone through all of this. I knew I shouldn't have broken no contact, I honestly only did so to try and let her know I didn't hate her so that future awkward situations at parties or shows could be avoided (she reacted violently/bitterly when I told her I wouldn't be contacting her anymore and that I wanted her to stop contacting me). And I honestly just feel that the restraining order thing and the badmouthing me is somewhat out of bitterness. She knows I've been with other girls since her, and she made it clear that she hasn't been with anybody else since breaking up with me the last we spoke. Still, it's something I take seriously and obviously have enough of a mind to avoid her at all costs. I've been wondering about counseling/therapy. I can never seem to make the commitment to keep going, though. It certainly wouldn't hurt.
GrayClouds Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 The opposite of empty is meaningful. To feel empty is to feel like crap to look for meaning is going on an adventure. Things you mentioned, from how much the relatonship was your life to how. your old friends lifestyle no longer works for you, how just hooking up with a girl or two suggest that previously you were just finding ways to distract you from your life. If the break up was not a gift then at least it woke you up. It woke you up to the desire you life needs real meaning. Your one of the lucky ones, a good deal of peole go thier whole life asleep. Your seeing the old lifestyle is no longer cutting it, your being drawn back into things you have passion about. It music is what moving you keep moving in that direction. Find someone better then you with your instrument of choice, take a lesson. Start a band, write a song about wicked women, use a lot of power chords. Then follow that up witha sensitive ripoff of a Cure song. And while you doing that try something new like an art class, graphic design class, creative writing. You know that thing you always wanted to try but felt that you did not have the talent or felt silly about liking it or worst, felt you would not be successful at it. Do it now. All those things may be true but your on an adventure and now is the time to investigate those things. Trying those things will slowly build meaning. And as you build meaning into your life, the relationships you build out of those experiences will began to have meaning too. Be patient with yourself, you doing the right things, your already finding some of that meaning.
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