Tony T Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 A very interesting article in Newsweek talks about why men get more jealous of sexual infidelity while women get more jealous about emotional infidelity. An interesting read for all: http://www.newsweek.com/id/232725
OWoman Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Interesting article! I've long been skeptical about "evolutionary psychology" (as are many research psychologists) and have found much of their work to be little more than speculation based on poorly constructed research and dubious readings of other - more rigorous - studies done elsewhere. The paper which is at the heart of this piece, which effectively debunks evolutionary psychology - makes a lot of sense to me, and is more consistent with my own experience. I've always related more to the "men's" descriptions in pop psych books like "Mars & Venus" as the cliches they spin for women simply don't apply to me at all! But relating behaviour to upbringing rather than genes makes more sense, as it allows for patterns in behaviour while not negating those who don't fit as somehow freakish.
MARINE_ONE Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Excellent article. Thank you for sharing it with us. I for one was more upset at finding out my wife was having an emotional affair. I think a big reason for that is because she always put a big emphasis on how it was worse than a physical relationship. So when she did it I knew she broke her own cardinal rule. I will say that now I know she is also sleeping with him also it hurts all over again cuz they are doing both now. Oh well, I got to get over that crap. I only feel this way in the mornings cuz I usually dream we are back together.
angie2443 Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Interesting article! I've long been skeptical about "evolutionary psychology" (as are many research psychologists) and have found much of their work to be little more than speculation based on poorly constructed research and dubious readings of other - more rigorous - studies done elsewhere. . I agree with the above. As for the article, it sounds plausible. I also wonder if the reason why more women seem to be upset with emotional infidelity than men is that they have a deeper understanding of how relationships form. In my observation, more women than men understand how sharing their hearts with another deepens a relationship and can lead to physical intimancy. Many men don't seem to understand this. I think, maybe, Of course, this is just my experience. Maybe others haven't seen this.
Lizzie60 Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Interesting article... some good points.. but ironically.. men who have more problems with sexual infidelity... should in reality have less problem.. they should know that 'sex' is, many times, done without strings.. Human are soooo complexed... and they change as they aged.. I find it verrry different how we feel when we're in our 20s and starting 'our' life... than when we're in our 50s... with lots of experience.. we think differently... so age (baggage) is definitely a huge factor.. I also have problems with those 'caveman' theories.. there are also the cultural factor.. it is sooooo complexed.
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 So how we are threatened by infidelity is in direct proportion to the attachment style we cultivated in childhood? Yes, very well could be. I suppose I would be "fearful" of the emotional connection having grown up in a loving supportive environment. I know this much to be true for me: I believe the pain I experienced at my WS's betrayal was in direct proportion to how much I loved him, or attached to him. I doubt those who did NOT experience this level of pain would seek out a foum such as LS, to help heal and understand it.
silktricks Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 It is an interesting article. The only problem I have is that it doesn't provide enough information about the studies the article is based on. What were the age groups of the people interviewed? Had they actually experienced either sexual or emotional infidelity? What a person will answer before they have experienced it does not necessarily mean much IMO.
threebyfate Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I've long been a proponent about foundational upbringing, strongly affecting how attraction works and perception about relationships. This article just reinforces how important it is, for parents to raise their children in functional, loving, respectful, secure and trusting relationships.
NoIDidn't Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I agree with everyone else. It was a great article. Like OWoman, I've long taken issue with the evolutionary psychology approach. As a woman, I've always responded as a man in cases where a "typical" female, based on the evolutionary approach, response would have been expected. My H, as always responded as a woman would have been expected to respond. The difference is definitely in the way we were raised. While from similarly strict backgrounds, his parents were engaging and his attachment to them very secure. Mine, not so much.
sally4sara Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I would say I find emotional infidelity more distressing and yes, my upbringing would lend to that distress. However, as the years passed, my knowledge of sexual health has grown to the point were I find physical infidelity just as distressing because of the dangers inherent. Washington DC has an alarmingly high rate of new infection of all STDs, but the big baddy HIV is out of hand here. http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1885601,00.html So in this city, one might have these statistic effecting their view on infidelity no matter what their childhood was like.
alphamale Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 A very interesting article in Newsweek talks about why men get more jealous of sexual infidelity while women get more jealous about emotional infidelity. this has been known for quite a number of years, and its basically true
OWoman Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I would say I find emotional infidelity more distressing and yes, my upbringing would lend to that distress. However, as the years passed, my knowledge of sexual health has grown to the point were I find physical infidelity just as distressing because of the dangers inherent. Washington DC has an alarmingly high rate of new infection of all STDs, but the big baddy HIV is out of hand here. http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1885601,00.html So in this city, one might have these statistic effecting their view on infidelity no matter what their childhood was like. This is a valid point in terms of INTELLECTUAL response to an A - though I think the article was more focused on knee-jerk, emotional responses instead of thought-through, considered ones. I would also think that in modern times, sexual infidelity would be as threatening to a BW as emotional infidelity, since both offer the same risk - ie loss of resources for the upbringing of the young (since, with paternity testing now available, a child conceived in an A can be ascribed to the WH with proof, requiring him to contribute child support... and, possibly, providing a stronger link to the OW by virtue of a "second family" and increasing the risk of him leaving the M). But evolutionary psychology is silent on such matters...
angie2443 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I would also think that in modern times, sexual infidelity would be as threatening to a BW as emotional infidelity, since both offer the same risk - ie loss of resources for the upbringing of the young (since, with paternity testing now available, a child conceived in an A can be ascribed to the WH with proof, requiring him to contribute child support... and, possibly, providing a stronger link to the OW by virtue of a "second family" and increasing the risk of him leaving the M). But evolutionary psychology is silent on such matters... I agree with this.
Barky Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 The paper which is at the heart of this piece, which effectively debunks evolutionary psychology - makes a lot of sense to me, and is more consistent with my own experience. Lol... I don't see how a biased article by a woman who desperately doesn't want to believe that men are "wired" to spread their "seed" far and wide, and who uses anecdotal evidence, "debunks" evolutionary psych. But relating behaviour to upbringing rather than genes makes more sense, as it allows for patterns in behaviour while not negating those who don't fit as somehow freakish. Um, why is it people have yet to understand that it's a combination of the two? There is no "nature vs nurture" debate -- it's BOTH nature and nurture, and varies widely between individuals. However, to think that 3.5 billion years of evolution plays no role in our behavior is ridiculous. The "nurture" part rests on the "nature" part of humans, because our hardware determines what type of software will run in it, and our hardware was determined by evolution. If you look STATISTICALLY at what hurts women more and what hurts men more, you'll come to the same conclusions as the evolutionary psych people.
dprtman09 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 A very interesting article in Newsweek talks about why men get more jealous of sexual infidelity while women get more jealous about emotional infidelity. An interesting read for all: http://www.newsweek.com/id/232725 I read it. Great find! My feeling is that I was extremely distressed by my W's emotional infidelity. That, if it had been coupled with sexual infidelity would have ended our M. Without going into detail, it is safe to say that both of us would have reason to be dismissive with close relationships. With her, though, a fear did develop. She did nothing to solve that problem with me involved and that may be a big reason why the A occurred. I, on the other hand, felt as though I had finally found the woman who helped me overcome my dismissiveness only to feel as though it was thrown back in my face on dday. Thank God her fear of close relationships ended up working against the OM and not against me. I have to say that I am proud of myself, though. When it was all said and done, I had promised never to turn my back on her as others had. Despite events that would repel others, I stayed true to myself and my promise. That was and is most likely the main reason why our M will recover. All-in-all, I found the article quite enlightening. Thank you.
dprtman09 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Interesting article! I've long been skeptical about "evolutionary psychology" (as are many research psychologists) and have found much of their work to be little more than speculation based on poorly constructed research and dubious readings of other - more rigorous - studies done elsewhere. The paper which is at the heart of this piece, which effectively debunks evolutionary psychology - makes a lot of sense to me, and is more consistent with my own experience. I've always related more to the "men's" descriptions in pop psych books like "Mars & Venus" as the cliches they spin for women simply don't apply to me at all! But relating behaviour to upbringing rather than genes makes more sense, as it allows for patterns in behaviour while not negating those who don't fit as somehow freakish. I don't believe that the article debunks evolutionary psychology. I think it sheds new light on the controversy between evolution and environment. Both factors play a role. Making them mutually exclusive would be a dangerous oversight. You can't have one without the other. My read was that the article did not set out to debunk anything. Rather, it tries to re-define a simplistic view (evolutionary psychology) by adding in factors that a pop author would have chosen to omit.
dprtman09 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I agree with the above. As for the article, it sounds plausible. I also wonder if the reason why more women seem to be upset with emotional infidelity than men is that they have a deeper understanding of how relationships form. In my observation, more women than men understand how sharing their hearts with another deepens a relationship and can lead to physical intimancy. Many men don't seem to understand this. I think, maybe, Of course, this is just my experience. Maybe others haven't seen this. I couldn't agree more. Generally, women need emotional attachment first while men tend to seek ways to get to bed. She chases him until he catches her.
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