Tinker Bell Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 (edited) Hi everybody, I was looking through this forum and decided to share my story with you. I am about to get divorced and I am at a point where I am wondering if my husband ever was in love with me. Before I go into details let me tell you that I realize now how naive I have been. There were warning signs from the beginning but I ignored them because he was my first love. Two years ago, I was 21 and he 24 at the time, my husband and I met in college. When we first started dating he didn't tell me he had been dating somebody two months before me and as I found out later he was seeing both of us at the same time for a while. Already after three weeks of dating he said 'I already feel like I love you', but on the same day he afterwards took out that other girl on a date. However when I found out I expected him to break up with her which he did eventually but not right away. I was in love in a way I had never been before, he was very charming, handsome and made me laugh like no one else. But already from the beginning I had to learn about his flaws. He is the kind of person who doesn't answer anybody's calls, not even his girlfriend's, he does not call you when he says he will, even if you made plans with him he will often make other plans instead and not even let you know. He is incredibly unreliable and dishonest. I cried a lot during our relationship but I did not want to accept the fact that I should have dumped him in the beginning. I loved him so much and I genuinely cared about him much more than I cared about myself. Whenever we spent time together I forgot about all of our problems. He eventually lost his job due to his unreliability and never cared to look for a new one. Later I learned that his parents paid for his rent. To be honest I just took a little break from writing. As I am reading this I really can't believe I fell for this man. However... we ended up getting married after one and a half years. But that is a whole different story..I am foreign and we both wanted to stay together. He comitted drunk driving before our wedding, caused a car accident and I got hurt. I had surgery and am I still struggeling with the consequences (posttraumatic stress disorder). You might think that would make him feel bad but instead he started neglecting me as soon as we were married. He often left, one time even secretly went to Las Vegas. And he got very serious and more aggressive. And now after 7 months of marriage of course it is over. I am relieved to be out of this relationship. I feel much wiser and stronger. But I must say that this experience really opened my eyes. Now I am just wondering if he was ever in love with me? On the one hand he said the sweetest things, gave me many compliments, we could talk, we could laugh and I felt a very special connection between us. I do believe that he loved me. But on the other hand it was always me who made sure that we saw each other, he never answered my calls, he lied a lot. He would say the nicest things one moment and take them back or be very rude another moment. For example on the same day he proposed to me we had a fight later on that night (because I had found out about one of his lies) in which he told me he didn't love me anymore. His words were always contradicting with his actions, even his words would contradict with his own words. Did he just think he was in love with me? Or was he simply to immature to handle a relationship? I just feel very confused and kind of ashamed. I am a bright woman and can't believe I let it come so far. It would mean a lot to me if you shared your opinion with me. Edited January 30, 2010 by Tinker Bell
2sunny Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 how he feels/felt about you doesn't matter at all - especially at this point. he obviously loves himself above anything else - his selfish actions and his history show that clearly. accept that you saved yourself a lifetime of misery and be grateful.
mimidarlin Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I am sorry for your physical and emotional pain. It astounds me how much feelings can be one sided. This scenario is a perfect example of love being blind. We don't let ourselves see things clearly. Though this is a painful experience take it a lesson well learned. Use this to establish your standards for being in a relationship and be grateful you weren't married for 10+ years and that children were not involved.
floridapad Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Tinker Bell. I truly am sorry for the situation you are in. It does sound like your eyes are wide open now, which is a great thing. You ask the question "was he ever in love with me". I'm not sure what answer you want to hear. Why are you asking this particular question? Dig deep.
Butterflair Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I think we all ask that question and others. Did he ever love me? How could he do this to me if he did? How could he treat me this way? He probably did love you at the time but it seems that he's moved on. He sounds very immature and selfish. Don't make yourself crazy about it. If you loved him and had good intentions of a life together then that's all you can do. You can't control him or his behavior. All you can do is react to it and sounds like you've done that. Don't hang on the negative baggage, let it go along the way. Hold your head high and keep moving forward.
2.50 a gallon Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Sorry to see that you are here. I am also sorry to say, but from the actions and events you describe, I don't think that he is able to love anyone but himself. Do not let yourself fall into the trap of never loving again, learn from this experience, and mostly learn to make better choices when you choose, you next partner. This guy sounds like a wanna be bad boy, try a nice guy next time. They are out there.
Author Tinker Bell Posted February 1, 2010 Author Posted February 1, 2010 Thank you so much for all of your answers. I guess I am just trying to figure out why and how it happened. I want to understand and learn from it.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 I'm not sure that age, level of relationship experience or length of the relationship that eventually failed makes any of us immune to the question of "Did he/she ever love me?". I wondered about this question a lot in the first year after my separation/divorce. Honestly, I don't think any of us will ever truly know and if we're told "yes," we might not be capable of believing it as the actions by our ex don't often reflect this. I found peace by accepting that my ex-husband loved me to the degree he was capable at the time. It obviously wasn't the committed, all-encompassing love that I had for him, but I have no doubt he loved me to the degree his life experiences, emotional maturity and self-awareness allowed him to.
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