Cxoxo Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Sorry this is a long one-I'm pretty muddled up though. My boyfriend lies to me over the smallest of things. We have been together for four years and throughout this time, I have realised he can't seem to help lying to me. Half the time, it is over the most unnecessary stuff. I have tried explaining to him time and time again, how these lies are extremely detrimental to our relationship, and that if he lies over small things it makes it extremely hard for me to believe him over bigger situations. For example, he travels a few times a year with his job. I simply asked him earlier if he'd had anything to drink. He said no. I then asked him why he was slurring and then he admitted he'd have a few beers. Why? I asked him why he lied and he said he hadn't. WTF?! he's now lying about lying?! It wouldn't be such a big deal if there wasn't already a past of lying with him. There was a situation with a female schoolfriend of his a few years ago where she would leave very flirty messages on his phone and facebook. He always insisted it wasn't a big deal, that he hardly knew her and that I was over-reacting but it started getting out of hand. Once when he was back home he said he was going out with "just the lads". i later found out she was with them thanks to photos being uploaded of their night out on facebook, where she had her arms all over him and she left a message saying "omg u got me so wasted last night hehe". He obviously wasnt aware that I'd seen these photos or that they'd even been put up, as when I asked him later that day whether he'd been with her the night before, he flat out lied and said "no". How stupid?! After this I felt i couldnt trust him. I couldn't understand what he had to hide and it probably sounds bad but yeah, i checked his phone for messages. a few months later a message from her said "wat a night. so drunk-do u remember u kept picking me up and lifting me over ur shoulder? haha. thanks for keeping my bed safe for me last night" His excuse? his guy mate who he was meant to be staying with left him and went home early and he had nowhere to sleep as his house is far away from town. she gave him her house keys whilst she went back with some guy she hooked up with that night. he went back to hers and slept in her bed. something doesn't add up. how can u go to someones home, who u apparently don't know too well knowing that their parent's are sleeping in the next room and let urself in to the house to sleep?! he has always swore that nothing has ever happened and apologised for the lies saying he didnt know why he did it but i dont know whether i can just accept that. i want to be able to trust him because we do have some really great times together. I just need some advice because my friends aren't too great at helping with this kind of thing, as i think they feel they might offend. I just want some advice on how to handle this and make him see how damaging this is. I've told him loyalty and honesty are the most important things to a relationship; even telling him if someone has hit on me if i'm out with my friends, for example just so he knows that i can tell him anything. he said he appreciates being told that kind of honest, upfront thing so why won't he be the same with me? Do you think he can ever learn?
OnlyJake Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I just want some advice on how to handle this and make him see how damaging this is. To date there have been zero consequences for his actions, so why should he stop? Do you think he can ever learn? It's been four years, and he's still lying to you. Do you think he can ever learn? (My answer is a big loud NO.)
boogieboy Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 As long as he knows you aint goin anywhere, he knows he can lie. he wants to have fun, and it seems like youre tying him down. He's not going to stop lying with you, maybe 3 or 4 women down the line he will learn to stop lying. bail while you can.
Zeegagge Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I'd never lie to a girl and esp. not like that, and yet I sit here alone. Oh well. Wait now I'm starting to sound like one of the whiner's on this forum, uh, I sit here alone because I choose to damnit!
Author Cxoxo Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 like i say, we've had some great times together-we still do. he makes me laugh,is fun to be around and he looked after me alot when i was really ill a couple of years ago. I just don't know why he lies about small things when the big things have been so damaging in the past.
OnlyJake Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 like i say, we've had some great times together-we still do. he makes me laugh,is fun to be around and he looked after me alot when i was really ill a couple of years ago. I just don't know why he lies about small things when the big things have been so damaging in the past. Trust me, you can find another great guy who you can have great times with, who will make you laugh, is fun to be around, will look after you when you're sick AND he won't lie to you. Your boyfriend lies to you because he's dishonest and shady. Other reasons (some) guys lie over "little" things is because either they know: 1. they did something wrong and don't want to catch **** for it. 2. they did something they know you won't like and don't want to catch **** for it. 3. they're lying about something bigger that involves something "little", but you only managed to catch him on the "little" lie.
Stung Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 After this I felt i couldnt trust him. Well, yeah. Because you can't. Many people will give little white lies occasionally, but this guy has a problem. He's a liar, probably a cheat, and definitely not very bright, to be honest. I know it's hard to walk away when your heart is involved, OP, but you NEED TO WALK AWAY. Do it now before you waste any more time on this guy. Spend a little time alone figuring out why you're so needy you'd put up with this behavior for FOUR YEARS, and then start fishing again...there are plenty of better men in the sea.
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Maybe he lies about drinking because of whom he was drinking with or where......................
hoping2heal Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 (edited) I only needed to read the first paragraph to see the problem here. You tell him his lying is detrimental..and yet here you are with him..FOUR years later.. Oh, I will further expound and tell you I was the same way with all my exes. Lying about big things, Lying about little things, Lying about complicated things..Lying about simple things. Then there is my current partner...Things started out per usual..and about two months in he caught on to all my constant B.S. Now, I knew all the lying was wrong but it was also a safety net for many reasons and usually the biggest reason was to protect MYSELF from reality. Anyhow, I'd been found out by past bf's and given the ultimatem of stop or it's over or..if you stop we can work on getting back together..but I need the truth. I just couldn't do it so I let things be done, etc. I guess it was a combination of being at the point in life where I wanted to stop what I was always doing and this guy holding me accountable that did it. I went to therapy, I got over the constant lying. I had to make myself accountable and verifiable for EVERY thing so I could prove I was telling the truth about it so I could get him to trust me again. I guess you could say I practiced being honest to the point THAT finally just became natural to me instead of the lying. So CAN people change that? Yes, I am living proof - but I also know not many every really DO. I don't think after four years with you this guy is going too. Edited January 30, 2010 by hoping2heal
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 My boyfriend lies to me over the smallest of things. We have been together for four years and throughout this time, I have realised he can't seem to help lying to me. Half the time, it is over the most unnecessary stuff. I have tried explaining to him time and time again, how these lies are extremely detrimental to our relationship, and that if he lies over small things it makes it extremely hard for me to believe him over bigger situations. Sounds exactly like my XH and we ended up divorced after 4-1/2 years because after a total of 6-1/2 years, he could NOT stop lying to save his life. Little things, big things - didn't matter. I'd drop this guy. He clearly doesn't care.
boogieboy Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Oh, I will further expound and tell you I was the same way with all my exes. Lying about big things, Lying about little things, Lying about complicated things..Lying about simple things. Then there is my current partner...Things started out per usual..and about two months in he caught on to all my constant B.S. Now, I knew all the lying was wrong but it was also a safety net for many reasons and usually the biggest reason was to protect MYSELF from reality. Holy Hell! This is interesting.... what reality were you protecting yourself from, what lies did you feel you had to make up? i want to be able to understand a pathological liar just in case I run into one, and I have to see this coming...to run away...
hoping2heal Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Holy Hell! This is interesting.... what reality were you protecting yourself from, what lies did you feel you had to make up? i want to be able to understand a pathological liar just in case I run into one, and I have to see this coming...to run away... Well it was a very natural thing - I was sexually abused from the time I was in diapers- so I'd lie to myself about what was happening- this went on until I was about 7 years old- there was family involved doing it- so I would lie to myself about my family hurting me- I would lie to myself that the abuse itself was hurting me- I always had to cover up something wether it was to people or to myself-I would lie to people I had romantic relations with simply to avoid intimacy- it was a way to sabotage my relationships so I was hurting myself rather than have people hurt me. Just as I said practicing telling the truth made me snap out of it- learning to lie and cover everything up was also something natural. When I finally got therapy for all the abuse I'd been through and started admitting what happened to myself and holding those people accountable..I guess that also helped in eliminating my need to lie to anymore also.
OnlyJake Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Maybe he lies about drinking because of whom he was drinking with or where...................... Yup, this is what I was getting at with my #3, but I did want to add something, just to give a different perspective on lying than hoping2heal did (thanks for sharing, btw). The worst relationship I have ever been in was with a guy who was jealous, controlling, etc. for no reason (other than his own issues). I ended up turning into a little white liar in a misguided attempt to avoid yet another 6 hour argument over something idiotic like I went to a bar with my girl friends (and invited him, he declined, always) for drinks, and one of their boyfriends came along. (Because obviously that meant that I was trying to sleep with the boyfriend, didn't love my boyfriend, didn't respect him, and so on and so forth.) But, I "only" lied about little, inconsequential things. Sometimes I would get caught telling a white lie, and then of course it was a huge problem, because being lied to sucks. The inherent dishonesty of lying naturally leads to a lack of trust (why lie about something small?). My boyfriend would insist that I should always just tell the truth, he wouldn't get mad; he was only mad now because I lied to him. And we'd argue for 6 hours about it. So then I would start telling the truth again (believing him that the only reason he was mad was that I lied, because that of course is a good reason to be angry), but we'd still have 6 hour arguments over retarded things. Finally, I got really sick of it all, dumped his ass, and realized that I will never again date someone I feel like I have to lie to in order to avoid needless BS. Now I'm too honest Anyways, OP, I'm not trying to imply that you're a shrew or anything, but it is something else to think about. (And that said, I still think your boyfriend is a shady douchebag.) He and I had some great times too, which is why I dated him for several months longer than I should have. He had a lot of great qualities, and to this day, I think he looks great on paper, and I think he fits 98% of my criteria for a boyfriend/husband. BUT all of those good times and great qualities are useless when you're dealing with something like I did, or like you are with this lying. I heard this great analogy once, and I'm really bad at remembering these things, but it was something about comparing these types of people/relationships to a table. You have this beautiful table, it's great in almost every way. But if the legs are broken, it's worthless. You have to get rid of it and find a new one. Last thing: reflecting back that relationship, and then the last relationship I was in with a different guy is just incredible - it's amazing when you date someone who brings out the best in you, rather than dealing with crap (like lying) and fighting all the time. OK, I'm done now!
phineas Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Holy Hell! This is interesting.... what reality were you protecting yourself from, what lies did you feel you had to make up? i want to be able to understand a pathological liar just in case I run into one, and I have to see this coming...to run away... My STBXW = pathological liar. What do you want to know?
sumdude Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 (edited) I was married to a pathological liar. She would lie about little things and make them big, lie about big things to make them small. I found after she had an affair and left me for another that it took me a while to realize just how much damage had been done. I spent so much mental and emotional effort trying to read between the lines and guess the truth it totally wore me out. I didn't trust her yet kept trying to make the relationship work. I tried to hold her accountable but so many times I had no way to prove the lies yet they were obvious. Made up tall tales, I mean whoppers. You have to ask yourself if you can continue to put up with it. He won't change until he wants to. hoping2heal: Your story is very similar to my ex wife's. She was abused and neglected as a child and young woman. It's a great thing that you've been able to find a path to healing and work on your issues. It's taken three years for me to get through the resentments and come to grips with the fact that I hope my ex wife has found her way too, even if it's with someone else. Edited January 30, 2010 by sumdude
boogieboy Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 My STBXW = pathological liar. What do you want to know? Phineas! o wise one.... Now that your Wife is your STBXW Is there any clues that she did when you were first dating that you overlooked, telling you that she was a pathological liar?
New_Life08 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Hi there... my ex husband was generally a nice guy, but he was a compulsive liar. Like you mentioned he lied about lying! When I had him dead to rights, he still lied. So, all of the good in him started eroding away. We dated for about 5 years before we got married. I thought being married would make me more important to him, then maybe having kids would be his wake-up call to grow up. No, it just complicated things. The lies got bigger and turned into him even having a separate bank account behind my back which he lied to my face about when I had the proof in black and white. If he thought a lie might not cut it he would pull out some rehearsed elaborate excuse to make himself look like a hero for deceiving me in the first place. Anyway, this is a psychological compulsion it is something that needs therapy. But therapy only works if he admits it is a problem. I divorced my husband because I could not believe anything he said. I lost all general trust in his word and that is no way to live. My advice is to give him a wake-up call like I should have done to my ex when we were dating. I should have showed him that I was not making idle threats and left him. I thought threats of leaving would be enough, but it isn't. I think your bf wants his cake and eat it too. He wants a relationship and he wants to behave like a single college boy. It doesn't work that way. He needs to decide if he is ready to take on the responsibility of a commitment or not. And that is what you need to tell him as you are walking out the door. Right now he is comfortable and obviously feels that you love him too much to leave. Some people can't be told how it is...they NEED to be showed. Good luck, I know it is not a good feeling. Be true to yourself friend.
counterman Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Yep, telling him how it is is just in one ear and out the other. You have to take action. Be kind to yourself
Silver_star Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 If he lies about small things he will lie about bigger things. You need a man you can trust. If your going to move no with him and be an "adult" in "adult situations" you need to know you can rely on him and trust in his character.
hoping2heal Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 I was married to a pathological liar. She would lie about little things and make them big, lie about big things to make them small. I found after she had an affair and left me for another that it took me a while to realize just how much damage had been done. I spent so much mental and emotional effort trying to read between the lines and guess the truth it totally wore me out. I didn't trust her yet kept trying to make the relationship work. I tried to hold her accountable but so many times I had no way to prove the lies yet they were obvious. Made up tall tales, I mean whoppers. You have to ask yourself if you can continue to put up with it. He won't change until he wants to. hoping2heal: Your story is very similar to my ex wife's. She was abused and neglected as a child and young woman. It's a great thing that you've been able to find a path to healing and work on your issues. It's taken three years for me to get through the resentments and come to grips with the fact that I hope my ex wife has found her way too, even if it's with someone else. Yes, I hope so too. I know quite a few people with the same problem as I, A lot of them went through abuse also. I'm the only one of them I know of that has ever gotten any help and changed that. That's not to say I think I am any better, just that it seriously takes some hard work and intervention to turn it around. My ex best friend had the same problem, that is the reason I stopped being friends with her, I'll always care about her..but I couldn't be a part of that anymore and she's told so many serious lies to her fiance..it's unreal. I understand your resentment, I know that it took something severe and traumatising repeatedly (at least in my case and others I know) for us to develop this way- but that doesn't make us any less damaging. I remember telling my mom about all of this and she just pooh pooh'd it. I don't think she believed I was capable of doing that stuff- but I was and I did and I hurt a lot of people. Ironically though, there was only one guy out of all of them that as far as I can tell wasn't a chronic liar. Not that it makes it okay what I did - but it's kind of funny how we all migrated towards our own kind. One of my former "best friends" was a guy in my life for 8 years, UMMM about 90 percent of what he know about was lies and I'd say it was pretty high percentage of lies that I knew about him. But yes, unless someone is getting help for it..you need to cut those type of people out of your life for your own sake. They may never decide to get help and change what happened to them and what they do- but you should never let yourself be dragged down with them.
hoping2heal Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Phineas! o wise one.... Now that your Wife is your STBXW Is there any clues that she did when you were first dating that you overlooked, telling you that she was a pathological liar? The easiest cue is when they start lying about things that one doesn't need to lie about. Everyone fudges a truth here and there that doesn't mean they also do it chronically. However, if someone starts lying about crap that doesn't matter..that's a pretty good indication.
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