Am I done?

[mimidarlin]

Just spoke with husband some today about our situation. We had individual counseling sessions on Monday but didn't talk much after. Now we have had a discussion after we had a verbal conflict over something stupid. It was miscommunication or misunderstanding on both of our parts. He finds it so damn difficult to apologize. He thinks that if he explains the reasons for his action that he doesn't need to apologize.

 

We're separated and he has emotionally checked out. I'm starting to suspect that he is going through MC as a way to let me down easy. He voiced today that he can't imagine the way back to be emotionally connected with me. He cares about my safety and I think he would like me in his life as a friend but he doesn't feel in love with me.

 

I doubt that I will be able to handle being "just friends" if we divorce. It will take time to get over this and be open to being his friend. I still love him...I still want him and I don't think those feelings will make a friendship possible.

 

I'm trying to follow the advice of my therapist and most people here to give them space and work on myself. My therapist warned me that the biggest enemy would be impatience. He said that in his experience people don't walk away from people that love them easily. However, I'm starting to feel my patience waning. I find myself wanting some sort of progress. I don't know how much of this I can tolerate.

 

We aren't doing NC but maybe I need to implement that for my own peace of mind. I'm starting to shut down emotionally and feel numb. Maybe focusing on myself, work and friends will help me not focus on my marriage. I've started to think about just filing for divorce and moving on.

 

Have any of you been on this reconciliation fence for extended periods of time? How do you deal with it?

[grfins]

I'm sorry for what you are having to go through. I know the feeling of the one you love telling you they are not in love with you anymore. It's a real blow to the stomach. I wasnt on the reconcilation fence as my ex refused any counseling. So the fact that he agreed to counseling at all is a sign that he at least has some feeling for recon. If you go the divorce route, from my brutal experience, it seems nearly impossible to remain friends while you are trying to move on with healing and recovery. Trying to be friends only prolongs the heartache and possibly may give you hope that is not really there. NC does work for the simple reason that when you do have contact it will set you back days or even weeks with all the waves of emotions that come back. I hope things turn for the better for you.

[comj49]

I am in the same boat and am curious how other poeple have dealt with this. My wife and I have been seperated since Nov., when she gave me the I love you but.. speech, and decided to start dating again. I feel i need to have some sort of progress one way or another, the waiting is the hardest part, especially when you have kids, because NC is impossible. I am fighting the urge to just file and get it over with. Especially when your SO is out dating (cheating). How can I just sit back without acting? Hopefully someone with experience in this area can give some needed advice.

[mimidarlin]

comj49,

I think we both need some advice on this topic. I caught my husband in Nov. and he moved out shortly after. We're seeking counseling but he doesn't see how he can ever have those feelings for me again. I wonder if he even wants to really try because he checked out emotionally a year ago. I think he's just done. I'm fighting the urge to file as well. Thinking more and more about dating. Dating will be difficult and I imagine it will take time to get comfortable with the act of seeing other people. I would like to start practicing and not waste my time waiting for him.

 

So...do I try and be patient because my therapist says most spouses won't leave someone who truly loves them as long as we don't smother them or pressure them. At this point I'm doing as others recommend...focusing on myself. Trying to include exercise as part of my routine. Work on myself and try to initiate contact very little. Show him that I can move on. Maybe focusing on ourselves before we file will give us time to grieve the loss of our marriage and make us stronger emotionally. So that when we file we are really ready to move on.

 

This is so tough. We haven't told most of our mutual friends that we have separated. Our immediate family knows and some of the extended. He said if I would like to tell them then I should but to let them know we are working on things. So is that a light of hope? We're working on things. This really hurts my heart. I know I love him but I can't settle for less than him loving me and being devoted to me.

[Steadfast]

You're getting good advice. The fact is, if there is love present and both spouses desire to be together, there will be no breakup. When a person is having problems, who wants something that will only make things worse? In your case mimi, the husband is withdrawing because he either thinks, or knows of something that will (supposedly) make him happier.

 

...and you're in the way.

 

So, the only logical thing to do is give him what he wants. Do it completely, with the understanding that his freedom means freedom from you too. That is to say, no leaning or falling back on you if his plans don't work out. No limbo...waffling in and out as he pleases. Let him go, and find out. In the meantime, mix in a balance of work, family, exercise and self-help that allows you to function and heal. The key is knowing what you should expect from a relationship and what you truly deserve. If you are a loving, faithful and committed wife, you should expect the same in return.

 

Finally, if he refuses to communicate his desires or if he is having problems telling you the truth and you know this is the case, set a date in your head. It could be six weeks, six months or even a year. Mark this date and make the decision that if things are not resolved by then, you will be forced to make the decision alone. As someone who loves (or once loved) you, even he would have to admit that keeping you in limbo for extended periods of time is cruel and selfish.

 

comj39; If your wife has told you she isn't in love with you and is openly dating other men (yes, it is cheating) then you have no alternative but to file for divorce and move on. The same principles written to mimi above (getting what you expect and deserve in marriage) apply to you, and staying in a martial relationship with someone who is sleeping with other men is viewed as enabling. Drop the axe and begin your healing.

Edited January 31, 2010 by Steadfast

[mimidarlin]

Steadfast,

Thank you for your encouragement/advice. People have asked me how long will I let this go on and I don't really know. I'm dealing with to many emotions and heartaches right now to sort them out. Most of the time I can't say this feeling is because of ______________. It's overwhelming. Spending time alone is the worst but LS has helped a lot.

 

I'm thinking that Spring Break sounds like a reasonable date to take stock and reevaluate. I would like to get out of town during this time but I don't know where to go. I would be going alone and that's depressing. I've tried to find retreats for women but they are so damn expensive. Yikes!!

 

so...my plans

*work out!!! yes lose that weight. I bought a treadmill and some MBT shoes. I can watch my shows and get a hell of a work out.

*Join the Sierra Club. They have activities that I would be interested in and I think that it would be a good way to open up my social arena.

*Focus on my students. I chose this job for a reason. I love it and I'm good at it.

*Plan summer activities for myself.

*Evaluate adoption: I want a child. Adoption always seemed like a good option. I would rather not be a single woman but I may not have a choice.

[vangel2]

I know that this might sound crazy, but instead of focusing on the things he should change,why don't you change yourself. Focus on you & how you can make the marriage better. I learned that you can never change that person in your life, but you can make the choice to be a better person in the relationship & that's by accepting your husband for who he is & love him unconditionally & try to show that. I'm telling you, one of the things that pushes guys away is trying to change them by complaining about the things he doesn't do. If you have a personal relationship with God, pray about your husband and about the things you want him be more like. If you have faith, God will answer your prayers... One of the books I would recommend to read into is "Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs"... There are a lot of books that explains how we should love our husbands. Sometimes, when we lose hope the future just seems like it's not going to be better. But through hope & your faith in God, all things are possible. If you don't believe in God, sorry if you get offended. I am just sharing this with you from what I believe can help restoration in your marriage. Believe me! I know that this may sound unfair, even after you feel as though you give & give & give & get little in return...why should you be the one to change? Why should you be the one to fight for this relationship when he should be the one doing it? Have hope & know that God knows your pain...but He can help you if you ask... I am praying everyday for my husband. I have faith that God will come into his life & soften his heart & to forgive me...to realize that my love for him is unconditional. You have to fight for your marriage to work it out... you just don't have to do it alone.

[Steadfast]

Regardless of your affiliation and/or beliefs, mankind is given the right of choice. Throughout history, millions have died either defending, or attempting to take away the personal liberties of others. In creation, man was created in the image of God. That likeness is the freedom of choice.

 

Cheaters choose to cheat. The faithful choose to be faithful. I believe that we have the power inside to make these decisions, made clearer by the wisdom and love found in His Word. Our 'tools' are eyes to read, ears to hear, hearts to feel and minds to think. How we use them is up to us.

 

I consider prayer a powerful tool. Know that when you do, you are moving closer to God, not the other way around. Life is found in Him, not Him in us. Knowing the freedom of choice is a God given right, praying that God 'take over' goes against the natural laws he established, in my opinion. The walk-away chooses to leave, even if it harms others and themselves.

 

The best course of action is example. Lead by example, live by example.

[You Go Girl]

There is no point at all to working on a marriage if one of the partners is cheating. That only is pretending to work on the marriage while waiting to see if the other relationship works out.

The cheating person is living it up a few days a week with their lust. This is a distraction which makes working on a marriage impossible.

Either they give up the affairs immediately, or file for divorce.

Any counselor that tells you that a marriage can be worked on while a partner is having an affair is stealing your money.

50% or 75% of a cheating partner's energy and thoughts are being spent on the lust relationship. The other 30% is on work, etc. That leaves a whole 5% or 10% leftover to even think about the marriage.

How could they possibly be focusing on the marriage? Impossible.

[mimidarlin]

I'm 90% certain that my husband hasn't continued the affair. I don't know if/when I will be 100% confident even if he returns ready to work on our marriage. I know that there is the possibility of him continuing the lie though he is easy to keep track of now. His apartment isn't far from me and his office is very close as well.

 

So if he isn't cheating will he be able to find the way back to being emotionally attached to me? I can't settle for anything less than 100% commitment but I am willing to take steps to give him the freedom to make that choice. I am trying to focus on dealing with a multitude of emotional issues after losing two important men in my life to cancer and the potential demise of my marriage.

 

What I am starting to question is whether or not I can forgive this betrayal considering the hellish year I have been through. I am having difficulty reconciling the man I thought my husband was with his actions. I have brought up to him in MC that he spent six months focusing on this emotional/lust affair while I was dealing with my father's mortality. How could he do that if he had empathy/sympathy for me?

 

I think it began with a connection as "friends". I told him that the fact that he kept this "friendship" hidden from me makes it count as an emotional affair at the very least. This betrayal has rocked me to the core.

 

The point is that he stole that energy from me and the emotional support he could have given me. He gave it to some whore who was cheating on her husband and children. Those aren't the actions of the man I though I knew. His mother and father raised him to behave better than that. I know his mother was very disappointed in him. She is very religious...hardcore old world Catholic. Marriage in the church is very sacred to his family. I'm not religious but I believe in the commitment I made to him.

 

Oh lord I am confused!!!

[Ba.stet]

1st, it is very likely over for you guys. I hope being blunt won't frighten you from continuing to read. but in the event that you do continue to read... here is my opinion...

 

this it is likely over because 1st you mentioned he "checked out" emotionally a year ago, 2nd he was spending time with someone else, and 3rd you noticed that he is distant obviously at present.... distant enough that your instincts suggest he is only going through counseling to ease you through the separation.

 

But here is the difficult part... how u move forward from here?

 

1st try to find a way to live and keep your peace within. From what I have read you have a start with that. But don't forget to add some adventures for urself. Paint a room a bold color, take a road trip with someone or by yourself, take a walk and bring a camera along and capture images of life around you... find your peace and then...

 

2nd try to determine in the counseling and on your own what led to his being disconnected? There had to have been something on his part and YOUR part that led to that. People do not simply just become disconnected all of a sudden. There is always a path of events leading to that.

 

3rd once you find your peace and begin to understand the deterioration of your marriage, you will find you are recovering. Your life will move forward into a new chapter and with new purpose.

 

Never think of this marriage as a failure. It was a relationship of love, and you both did good and bad, you both were attentive at times, and at other times neglected things... slowly the neglect wore away and you two did what you cuold to hold on... but sometimes, a couple's paths have deviated too far away from each other. In these cases, it will be too painful to work your way back. Hold on to what you've learned and the good that you brought to each other and walk forward ... into the next part of your journey... :-)

[Jeff1962]

Mimidarlin. Sounds confusing to me as well. Do both of you a favor and give it 30 to 40 days before you make any rash decisions. Time can change things.

[You Go Girl]

It sounds sad for your marriage. I really can't see a man telling his wife he can't imagine being in love with her again, as being a man who will do a 180 and become a husband again.

If he was afraid, pleading, and concerned, then I would think that there is hope--and even then only a 50% chance of success.

With his attitude, I don't see hope.

I think you're right about why he attends marriage counseling.

My sympathies...keep your chin up and gravitate toward those relationships that you have that are supportive and loving. Those people will help you through these trying times.

[mimidarlin]

Thanks guys for the reality check. Seriously...no sarcasm. I'm trying to come to terms with this being over. It is hard because I truly love him and don't want him out of my life. However, I need to be loved and feel like I am wanted in my partner's life. I am willing to give it at least 30-40 days. We have counseling again on Monday which will be our fourth session. As long as he is still willing to go then I am willing to work at it as well. We may be working on trying to figure out what happened without being able to find a way back. I feel lost and alone. We're cordial and even friendly to each other. I try not to ask relationship questions but sometimes I have to say enough of a certain behavior. I won't be a doormat. I won't beg him to come back.

 

*I'm working out...man that felt good.

*Planning on redoing the bedroom. Make it a retreat for myself.

*Thinking of taking a trip to Ireland or Hawaii. Both of them have been a dream of mine for a long time. I am looking for a group to go with since I don't have a friend that can afford it. I will go on the trip by myself even if he returns. I deserve it and I need time to enjoy things for myself.

 

Just want to say that I miss my father. At this time last year my life revolved around trying to care for him and plan his medical treatments. This is on my mind a lot right now. It is making me very emotional. I think I will have to wait until the end of March to make a decision that is influenced by my feelings of loss. Thank you dad for providing for me all of my life. Even now...you helped me be financially stable so that I don't fear supporting myself.