Lost True Love - Was to be engaged??? What to do?? (ladies advice would help).

[GoldfingerCymru]

Lost mygirlfriend on October 22nd. Missing her loads, but more now during Christmas and especially New Year as I was going to ask her to get engaged on New Years Day in Whistler. We were going out for over 16 months, I am 33 and she is 28.

 

I'll try and keep it short, but hoping to keep in al details.

I Met her in Bournemouth while working there and found that she only lived 32 miles from me in Wales. I was going through a divorce and she had recently broken from a long term relationship herself. I started seeing her every Saturday, then more in the week until after 4 months we were inseperable at every occasion (2-3 times in the week and spending weekends at my house). She also phoned me every dayand always before bedtime (with a final text of love after each call) and did this everyday until the left me. She never told her parents (whom she lived with) that I was going through a divorce, as not to worry them for her.

 

After 8 months she talked of the possibility of marriage and kids at a later date, as she told me she had never wanted this in her previos relationship,but felt it was right with me. I thought we were special too, so decided to buy an engagement ring with her. I wanted her to choose the ring and get the right size, but leave the date of the engagement as a surprise as I wanted it to be special for her. This we did in April and I decided the date would be New Years Day as we were going to Whistler with her parents skiing during the Christmas period.

 

My divorce got a little messy in the few months befor she ended it. My ex-wife made it difficult for us regarding access to my son and I got annoyed with the situation and my son's future. I got annoyed on a few occasions and my girlfriend didn't like it when I got annoyed as I would usually snap at her rather than my ex. I wasn't annoyed with my girlfriend, but at myself for letting my ex get to me.

 

She left me because she thinks that I have a temper and didn't want to be talked to like dirt. I was guilty of this on occasion,but not all the time. It is my fault for letting things get to me, but I was scared at the time as I wanted everything to be sorted out before we got engaged. Although my divorce came through in June, I was trying to get my wife to have a week on - week off access to my son as I tended to have him all the time, which annoyed me as I wanted to spend some time alone with my girlfriend and also have complete closure on the baggage with the divorce, before the engagagement.

 

Since her leaving me, I have spent time alone moping and also realising that I should not have let things get to me. I am not easily annoyed, but did let the pressure get to me in the last few months. I know it is my fault for getting annoyed and will not make the same mistake again. I have told my ex-girlfriend this via e-mail and also stated my feelings for her (not excessively and not stalkingly), as I am aware that I do not want to push her away. I did send roses on the first weekend and then 2 weeks later a present that she would like (a rugby hero statue that she likes). The last present she returned to me. She has spoken to me about 3 times on the phone, but each time she has always put me down and told me just to move on as she is and is happy.

 

The problem is she does not want me to speak/mail/send her anything at all and says that once her mind is made up - that's it.

 

The trouble is I love her loads and know which mistakes I have made and do want to try to get her back. I am also aware that you can't just make someone love you. I am confused as we both had grand plans for being together (getting engaged, buying a house together and even kids at a later date). When I have mentioned this to her, she says ' It doesn't matter now does it!'. She has also said that she goes to rugby with someone and was considering seeing them (that hurt - especially as it was only a few weeks after the split).

 

I have never said anything nasty to her in response to her putting me down and cannot as I do still lover her, but it does hurt that she doesn't seem to want to give a second chance, considering it was a long relationship and we were madly in love.

 

It has been 2 months now and I feel stupid for not moving on, it also doesn't help as she is now in Whistler and I am in Wales and tomorrow was going to be the day that I asked her ( Since splitting one of her friends has told her of my plans for the engagement).

 

I haven't sent a mail for contacted her for 3 weeks and do not know if I should now just give up. I did think (and still do) that she was the one as she was so loving right up till the end. I also have a present for christmas that I was going to drop off at her grandparents while she is away - I don't know if this would annoy her or not as she seems to really hate me.

[gwennebe]

I'm sorry to tell you this but I think your best bet is to not contact her yet. Give her some more time to think things through. The more you call or send her presents the more angry she may become with you and the further away she will want to get.

 

She made a choice now it's up to you to let her live with it. In the meantime, you should really be thinking about you child and how this is affecting him. Have you found out why your ex was making it difficult on you with your child? You say having your son all the time annoyed you? That is a little selfish. Your an adult and he is your responsibility don't you think? Plus what is up with your ex if she wanted you to have him all the time? It sounds to me like your biggest concern should be working things out civily with your ex regarding your relationship with your child between the two of you.

 

It seems like he is the one being most affected by this. Maybe she wasn't ready to be a step mom. Why would you want someone in your life that couldn't handle the pressures of dealing with your child and ex wife? Sorry to say but that's your reality and if she loved you enough she would have understood more about what you were going through. Maybe you just are not ready to be in a relationship so soon after getting a divorce. Why don't you concentrate on clearing all of that up for now and after things settle down a little your ex girlfriend may have had enough time away from the situation to talk to you again. Good luck and try to be positive and remember everything happens for a reason. Maybe the timing is just off right now.

[GoldfingerCymru]

I know what you mean. My son is my responsibility. I got annoyed as my ex-wife and I had joint access, but I had him most of the time while she was enjoying herself, she would also arrange to pick him up and then let him down (which upset him and I had to make excuses for my ex-wife as I will not put her down in front of my son). I let this get to me as I also have a life, yes my son comes first, but he has 2 parents with joint responsibility and for a while it was me whom was put upon by my ex-wife.

 

I did not jump into this relationship quickly, we had been separated for over a year before filing for divorce. I took my relationship with my girlfriend slowly at first as I was aware that I didn't want to introduce someone into my son's life overnight.

 

My girlfriend and I talked about the pressures and she always said that she knew what she was getting into and understood that it the pressures would soon end. Then suddenly bam, gone and doesn't want to know anymore. The hard thing is - all the things with regards to access are now sorted and I have him one week and my ex-wife the other.

 

Thanks for your advice - but I stil miss her - sad but true.

[InLoKo]

It is understandable that you miss her. However, what I found strange is that you say she was happy with you right up until the end. Something here doesn't ring true. If you are blissfully happy, you don't leave someone. There is usually a degradation of the relationship first with one or both of you getting less happy. It maybe that she didn't show you or share with you her concerns/fears, etc. To me, that shows a lack of intimacy. It maybe difficult for you to accept, but something, somewhere wasn't right in your relationship. You really do need to respect her wishes. I wouldn't give her the Xmas present. Although it appears a nice gesture, it isn't nice if the gesture isn't wanted. Only you benefit by giving it, paradoxically. Give it time, she may come back to you IF you leave her alone. I wish you luck.

[GoldfingerCymru]

Sorry, forgot the important bit that made her leave.

 

We always spent weekends together and the last weekend, she was still buying things for the house and we were intimate etc.

 

On Tuesday I had an email in work that her ex-boyfriends father had died. She said that she was in 2 minds about going. I got a little jealous and said maybe sending a card and flowers would show respect. In the end she went to the funeral and I was unsure if she still had feelings for her ex or was it just respect for the father. The funeral was the next day (Wednesday) which I didn't find out until the actual day as she had left a lot of major detail out of her email the day before.

 

I know now that I shouldn't have got jealous, but on the day of the mail it was the mention of the ex that got me a bit jealous.

 

I still don't understand why she mailed me and didn't phone me as it was an important decision - if we had talked about it, I would have understood that it was out of respect for the father.

 

Trouble was, I needed to get that staright in my head and then it was too late.

 

I want to say sorry about all the problems, but she doesn't want to give me a second chance. Trouble is, now I have sorted my head out and all my problems I can't get the chance to show her how much I do love her and that I do want to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

I can't hate her either for being nasty to me since the split as I know it was initially my fault.

 

Forgiveness only works if someone gives you the chance and that is all I want - the chance to show her.

[InLoKo]

That's still not enough of a reason to end the relationship with the man you have discussed marrying. It is a very minor incident, as you describe it, isn't it. I am a jealous person. It doesn't make me a bad person. It's part of me and I am made up of both good and bad points. I will stand by what I said before. You don't just end a relationship like that.

 

I will disagree with you on one point. Forgiveness should not be conditional. You either forgive her or you don't. And afterall, her being nasty after the split is not the crime of the century, is it? She may have been telling the truth as she saw it. Or she may have just been angry. We've all been there. I presume she "forgave" you all the times you took your frustrations out on her during the relationship???

[GoldfingerCymru]

I meant her forgiving me. I have nothing to forgive her for, except the way she finished with me ( she actually did it over the phone). Before this we had talked about eveything, then the most major decision she has made - I was not given the chance to apologise, explain, nothing.

 

My friends have said the same thing - it came from nowhere. Though my friends say that she may have just met someone who looks more appealing (ie. no kids, problems etc.). This may be true, but I'll never know as she lives in the Valleys and it is a small comunity (plus I do not know anyone there except her and her parents).

 

I so want a second chance, but am not sure if she really means it as up until then everything seemed perfect. It obviously wasn't, but she always said that we would be happier when all the baggage from the divorce was over.

 

I am 33 and have really found my soulmate, then lost her. I am not childish, thus don't just fall in love willy nilly and it has taken all this time to find someone who cared for me as much as I cared for her. I lost her by trying to close my past in preparation for the future (engagement) and I think that I may have not concentrated on the present during the final months.

 

How do I show her I have changed if she doesn't want me too ?? Is she p***ed at me or does she really mean it??

[Kanuk]

At least you found out from her. feel fortunate. My ex didn't evem bother to tell me it was over, and we'd been together for a year and a half. Maybe that she bothered to tell you on its own was a sign of respect for you... that she at least cares a little bit and is just very pissed off.

 

In that case, you'd have to just leave her alone for a while, months even, to let her cool down and forget, or at least put behind, the bad incidents so that she can remember the good. And i know how badly you want forgiveness. I am in your exact shoes now.

 

I did some things to my ex jst before she broke up with me. People i talk to tell me that i wasn't being bad at all, what i did was out of love. BUt i see it differently and regret it all. I want nothing to do but beg for her forgiveness. She, however, wont talk to me at all. All i can do is wait and hope that maybe she'll talk to me again one day and that then, I can ask for the forgivness i seek.

 

I can't force it out of her though. And neither can you. You have to wait, it would seem. I feel for you man, i really do. I know how badly it hurts and how much you must be kickin gyoruself as I am every day. But you have to know it's never entirely your fault.

[GoldfingerCymru]

Diolch Yn Fawr, Kanuk.

 

I just wish I was in Whistler now proposing (although I think it is only 1pm in Canada). I am not even gutted about losing the holiday (her father was paying for the whole holiday out of his retirement money).

 

I feel for you too, it is horrible to lose someone you truly love out of something insignificant and fixable.

 

I did not think I would ever feel like this and feel stupid feeling like this after 2 months and at my age.

 

I know it's not all my fault, but it was probably me who caused the seed of change in her. I am just gutted that now I have realised I should not get annoyed at things I can't change and also that the problems are all sorted - she isn't here to see it.

 

I have never in my adult life cried over anyone (except my son being born), but I have cried over this girl and don't know if I am a dweeb by doing that.

 

I know deep down that I should move on, but I does loves her, mush

[mandrews1119]

Dear Goldfinger, Kanuk, and INLOKO,

Hello, and thank you for your posts. I am new to this forum, but not to the general theme. I will post my own story later. But I agree that now is the time to back off and wait, Goldfinger. I am going through serious changes in a long-term relationship, and it has taken me months to realize that my other half needs her space and time to heal. All I can do is continue to work on the things that will contribute to a better relationship between us if and when the time comes. When you are on the receiving end of being left, it is hard to imagine exactly what the other person is going through and that they are hurting, and doubting their decision. It is often just that they are either stubborn, or paralyzed by emotions, or being influenced by other people, places and things. It is hard to imagine that they are missing you and thinking about you too when all you can do is feel hurt. It is hard to imagine they are thinking about reuniting or reconciling, I know. we just have to have hope, and stay as strong as you can. Believe, and hope.

[GoldfingerCymru]

Dear Mandrews119,

 

That is my problem at the moment. She has never spoken to me face to face or discussed that there were problems which might make her leave. I admit I needed a kick up the backside to make me realise that I needed to stop getting annoyed at problems, but to leave without discussing them and giving me a chance to realise my problems makes me feel like she never really loved me at all.

 

I have the response (short and sharp) which she sent me to my very last e-mail :-

'Well you are. I'm finding you very selfish. Like I've said, some things

don't work out........deal with it. This is the only thing I have ever

asked from you, why is writing stuff and sending it to me going to help

either of us?? Life is too short to dwell on things that are never going to

happen. Harsh but true.'

 

This was in response to a love poem that I sent along with me saying sorry and telling her that I know I was wrong to get annoyed. I don't understand why I am considered selfish by writing to her to not only apologise, but also to tell her all the problems are now sorted and I will never let anything get me that way again. The final sentence is in reply to asking for a second chance as we had made plans to get engaged and buy a house together. It hurts, because from the sound of it she isn't missing me at all. The problem is that I do have hope, but she seems to be saying there isn't a chance in hell of any. I don't understand how someone can just switch off from loving someone.

 

I had good luck card from her a few weeks prior to the split ( I was going to change jobs to be closer to her and where we were going to buy a house). The opening words were ' To The Love Of My Life'. I now don't know if she ever meant this or if it was just something nice to ay to me. That is why I am screwed up, as she was/is the love of my life.

 

Regards GoldfingerCymru

[InLoKo]

She probably means that you are being selfish by not respecting her wishes. ie. ignoring her wishes and doing what you want to do - contacting her all the time. I don't think anyone can really use the word selfish in sucha situation. Ultimately we are all selfish by wanting a relationship for ourselves in the first place. No-one is in a relationship for someone else's benefit, are they. I can understand her being angry at your emails but for her to send an email like that??? She comes across as cold, callous and heartless herself. Sorry, but she does. Her behaviour throughout this doesn't make sense to me. Is there a piece of the jigsaw you are missing? Might she have someone else? Don't forget, you are not the only one at fault here. She must take some of the blame. Try and heal yourself. You deserve far better than she is giving you.

[GoldfingerCymru]

I know deep down that you are right and am trying to heal myself, but it's bloody hard.

 

I am not the type of person to run out and find somebody else, I have not and will not do one night stands. I waited for 8 weeks before we became intimate (she had to ask me) as I wanted it to be special and for love not just an act of sex.

 

She was always loving in the relationship, the coldness has only come into play once she said it was over. Trouble is, I can't and never will hate her even if she is seeing someone else. Friends have said (mainly lady friends) that she is using excuses and blaming me because she found someone else before she left. I will never know this as she lives in a secluded valley (you don't pass through the valleys, you have to be going there). I would never ask her this nor try and find out as I am not a stalker, as much as I would like to know.

 

I am hurting more now as my problems and annoyances stemmed from closing my baggage not only because of the engagement, but also because I wanted this New Year to be problem free and happy. I felt that she deserved a 100% loving partner and knew I could not deliver this until it was all sorted.

 

I do blame myself for losing her, but it hurts that she is content in blaming me for everything and was not willing to try and fix things before ending the relationship.

 

I so want to tell her that I have acknowledged and fixed my problems and that I will love her always and forever, but would feel vulnerable if I did. I really mean it, but she may think me sad if I said it. I am old fashioned in the way that if you love someone then you should say it openly. I also don't fall in love easily and am cautious, thus by opening my heart to her during the relationship, I find that I cant just close it as quickly as she has.

 

You are all good people on this forum, and let's hope we all get what we want in the end.

[GoldfingerCymru]

She will be back from Canada later this week (yup. I still can't stop thinking about her).

 

Does any one have a rough idea of how long 'no conact' should be (roughly as there are no right answers).

 

I am unsure if she will ever contact me at all. God, I don't know now if she has ever even give me any thought at all considering what she has said. If there is no contact from her, do I leave it for a few weeks (eg. end of January)and then send a short letter acknkowledging my mistakes, showing how much I have changed/recovered from the pressures of the divorce baggage and stating my love for her????

 

It is killing me that I love her dearly and thinking that she does not or never did love me.

 

I thought so much about the planned engagement on New years day that I got a bit down, especially as I was thinking that she might not have even given it or me a second thought.

 

I love her a lot and want to, but am also scared that I might annoy her with such contact given her previous cold responses.

 

Can someone just switch ther love off like that ??? I know I can't, but everyone is different.

 

Yours Hopelessly in love with 'the one'

GoldfingerCymru

[moimeme]

Way back in your first post, almost buried, is this:

 

I got annoyed on a few occasions and my girlfriend didn't like it when I got annoyed as I would usually snap at her rather than my ex. She left me because she thinks that I have a temper and didn't want to be talked to like dirt. I was guilty of this on occasion,but not all the time

 

And by this, and from your other vague references to needing to fix 'your problem', I am getting the suspicion that you have anger management issues. People who are bad at controlling their anger are also very good at minimizing the problem and/or not acknowledging it at all. However, there is no way on the planet that a sane, healthy woman should live with someone who has 'a temper' as you so delicately put it.

 

You say you have changed, but if this is indeed your issue and if you have not had intensive counselling or a course, you will also be in as much denial about the issue as you have always been. However minimal or minor you may think your 'getting annoyed' was, it was likely much worse than you care to admit.

 

If I've interpreted this correctly, the only thing you can possibly do is to get help for your 'temper'. Don't expect her to believe you've changed, however. Angry men are scary - enough of us have heard enough statistics on abuse and murder to scare us away from angry men thoroughly. If you want to ever have a healthy relationship, acknowledge and deal with your issues and get help and banish inappropriate anger from your life.

[GoldfingerCymru]

I am not an angry person at all, I do not like conflict and prefer to be happy as I have been all my life.

 

In the 4 months prior to her leaving my ex-wife was continuing to put pressure on me and my relationship with my girlfriend and I let this get to me and build up on occasion. I was suffering headaches for these 4 months on a regular basis, not sleeping properley etc. At the time I thought nothing of this as I was trying to get everything sorted out so that I could close the unfinished problems in preparation for the future engagement. I did go to the doctor's for help (unfortunately not till after my girlfriend left) and found that they were due to stress. The stress also caused my sleeping problems etc. It was from this that I found that people whom encounter unusually stressful periods never actually realise till somebody either tells them (which in my case was from the Doctor).

 

Having never suffered from stress before, I didn't know that I was being 'snappy' with my comments. The good thing is that most people having found this out will not make the same mistake again(ie. letting anything stress them out ). The doctor did say it was a common problem with many people. Thus, I am not ever letting anything ever get me down or stressed again.

 

I have never and would never hit anybody as I am not a violent person (with or without the stress).

 

I am not using the stress as an excuse either. I am at fault for talking to her that way and am and always will be sorry for letting things get to me.

 

I am and have openely admitted this to everyone i know ( I also snapped at my parents and son during this period). I have also apologised and explained this to all the people in my life which were affected at the time.

 

In admitting all this and acknowledging this problem, I am a changed person as I have never before and never will again get stressed to that point, no matter what is thrown at me.

 

I understand your points though, there are people in this world whom have a temper permanently and will never admit to it - I am not one of them. The trouble is my ex was with me for 12 months before this stressful period and does know how caring I really am. She also knew what my ex-wife was doing to make things difficult.

 

Any input on this and the 'no contact' points would be most welcome though.

 

Kind Regards

GoldfingerCymru

[Marty_McFly]

Goldfinger,

 

I know exactly how you are feeling. You just have to change a few words of your story and subsequent posts and it's me. My ex broke up with me recently in much the same way...clicking along fine and then all of a sudden over and she doesn't contact me at all (you can read my post elsewhere). It also seems like she just "switched her love off" with me. While I knew we were having some issues, I thought they were fixed and that we were moving forward, and she never even hinted that the issues were enough for her to break it off completely. Like you, we were also planning on getting engaged, but I was "waiting" for the right things to fall into place (which they rarely do) and I think it degraded our relationship to the point that she didn't want it anymore.

 

Also like you, I won't have any reason to "run into" her anytime soon since she lives a few hours drive from me. It's very frustrating because I'm left here wondering how in the world she could ever love me again since it seems it will be so easy for her to put me completely out of her mind.

 

You're right that you can't make her love you again. I don't really know what the right answer is for either of us. I also feel like she has completely forgotten me and doesn't think about me at all, but several women have posted on this forum to many men in our situation to say that these women are indeed thinking of us even if it doesn't seem that way. I guess we have to hope that over time they will start to miss us and realize that the problems we had were short lived and not irreparable.

 

Please keep us informed and know that you're not alone.

[mandrews1119]

Marty,

you have definitely got the bug now!! Once you start going to other threads and posts, you are "all in"" like the rest of us!

 

Ladies, let's hear from you on this one. What goes through a woman's mind during these stages? Is it really true that you don't think about us? Or do you? what sort of things does it take for us to make it back to you and with you successfully? Please try to keep it positve and success stories have first priority, Marty. goldfinger and I are hurting and can use a little 'soft love' on this one. One fo the most burning questions we men have is " how can she just turn it off (albeit Inloko - it does have a burning fuse attatched that we guys always seem to miss) ?" And for those of you ladies who have reunited successfully, advice is sorely needed and greatly appreciated, especially by me. Inloko, I'll catch up you on the MSN or e-mail, I need your detailed advice, okay? Take care, all.

[mandrews1119]

Goldfinger, Marty, Steve,

 

I just read a post that said when women are going through this stage, they are either out of love or TRYING NOT TO LOVE YOU. I don't know which applies to anyone, each love, each situation is different. Anyway, that was just two more of my cents worth. Food for thought.

[GoldfingerCymru]

That's the trouble. I don't know which one it is.

 

To want to get engaged, I thought it was not just love;but truly, madly deeply love (sorry had to get in our song by savage garden).

 

On one side if you truly love someone, you ask what is wrong and work it out together. The fact that she didn't points to not loving me at all.

 

The fact that we didn't discuss any of the problems in depth, hurt me as I needed her during this period (the divorce baggage etc). I was scared to show her that it bothered me what my ex-wife was putting upon me and also scared to show her that I really needed her (my ex-gf) in case she thought I was a needy person (usually I am fine handling things myself, but my ex-wife always used my son as a pawn for her own end and I always gave in to my son's needs). This got me down on a few occasions and it was me that eventually pushed my ex-gf away and not my ex-wife. Basically my ex-wife played me and I took the bait by getting annoyed and worked up.

 

I so want to speak to my ex-gf in person with the hope of reconcilliation, and really apologise and explain, but she doesn't want to know at all. That does hurt as she was aware of most of the things my ex-wife was doing as she did see it for herself.

 

I have explained a lot of things in a few e-mails, but her responses were cold and uncaring.

 

Hence Not knowing if she ever really did or still does have some sort of feeling for me