stupid_bathwater Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Hi. I'm trying to get an outside perspective on something that occurred with the guy I'm seeing, because I have a tendency to have intense reactions that I later second-guess. So. The gist is I have been dating this guy for a month, last week we took a four-day road trip together during which he referred to me as his girlfriend and we had a discussion about birth control, and we decided I would go on the pill and dispense with condoms because neither of us really like them (he finds them uncomfortable, and I'm allergic to latex and have been unable to find non-latex in the larger size he requires). Yet when I went on my facebook account and changed my status to "in a relationship" (I left it at that, I did not specify his name or ask him to do the same) he said he didn't want to "rush into anything." So, apparently I'm his "girlfriend" and he expects me to forgo condoms and trust him with my health, but changing a relationship status on a social networking site is just too much of a commitment. Is it just me, or is that incredibly screwed up?
cybersister Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I should not worry about it- I think he referred to you as his girlfriend as a way of trying it out in his mind- changing FB status while not a commitment is a sort of public announcement . FB has a limited number of options and I guess they just do not feel right for him- if there were something like... seeing someone quite a lot he might feel differently. And then you's be forever changing status . How many relationship prblems are caused by trying to fit some stereotype ?
Author stupid_bathwater Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 I should probably clarify that he is the one who suggested the birth control in the first place, and when he mentioned the facebook thing I said, "So what, we don't have a relationship?" he pretty much just shrugged and said nothing. And then a few minutes later he wanted to snuggle and cuddle and be affectionate. I guess my problem with this is that I don't understand why I'm supposed to trust him enough to not use condoms if he won't admit to being in an relationship with me.
meerkat stew Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I don't think there's anything at all wrong with someone who doesn't like to broadcast out their relationship status on FB, regardless of how long you have been dating. I get mildly (very mildly, NBD level) annoyed with women I'm dating who go and change to "in a relationship," doesn't matter how I view the level of commitment in the relationship, just prefer some privacy where personal affairs are concerned, especially early on, as things have a tendency to go awry once that relationship label is changed for some reason. Hate being the subject of lots of "Awwww what happened?" FB noise.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I should probably clarify that he is the one who suggested the birth control in the first place, and when he mentioned the facebook thing I said, "So what, we don't have a relationship?" he pretty much just shrugged and said nothing. And then a few minutes later he wanted to snuggle and cuddle and be affectionate. I guess my problem with this is that I don't understand why I'm supposed to trust him enough to not use condoms if he won't admit to being in an relationship with me. I understand where you're coming. It's not even about the FB, but the simple fact that you're doing all these things and yet he refuses to acknowledge outright the nature of your " relationship". If anything, I would ask you not to risk your health to go on BC unless you consult a good doctor about possible hormonal changes. It's your body. You make the decisions, not him.
Awesome Username Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I wouldn't have sex with him until he decided to get over his little facebook "taken" fear. All you have to say is that if the relationship isn't serious, you do not want to get intimate. There is nothing wrong with that logic. If it's too much for him, I'd ditch him altogether.
O'Malley Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 he said he didn't want to "rush into anything." When someone mentions this early in a relationship, don't overlook it. I'd take him at his word and not make any hasty decisions that could negatively affect your health. Are you both willing to provide STI test results?
sagetalk Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 he said he didn't want to "rush into anything." Good, then don't have sex with him. If he doesn't want to rush into a relationship, then he should be fine with that. In reality I'd say it's a pretty good guess that this guy is a loser. Be very careful. You may think it's great that he has a big man part, but if he's a loser you will regret going into a relationship with him and that big body part won't mean anything at all.
OnlyJake Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I don't think there's anything at all wrong with someone who doesn't like to broadcast out their relationship status on FB, regardless of how long you have been dating. I get mildly (very mildly, NBD level) annoyed with women I'm dating who go and change to "in a relationship," doesn't matter how I view the level of commitment in the relationship, just prefer some privacy where personal affairs are concerned, especially early on, as things have a tendency to go awry once that relationship label is changed for some reason. Hate being the subject of lots of "Awwww what happened?" FB noise. x2 I don't even like to put up "In a relationship" when I've been dating someone for a long time, for the same reasons actually. The people who matter know what's up. Does his status say "single" or is it blank?
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 It's not about FB, it's about his statement "I don't want to rush into anything." And then "shrugging" when you attempt to have an adult conversation. It doesn't seem like it's an exclusive relationship in his mind. You need to ask.
meerkat stew Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 It's not about FB, it's about his statement "I don't want to rush into anything." And then "shrugging" when you attempt to have an adult conversation. It doesn't seem like it's an exclusive relationship in his mind. You need to ask. Regardless of sex, that conversation after just one month is headed nowhere with many men, self included. And where I'd have a more diplomatic way of defusing it than shrugging wouldn't take the topic anywhere near seriously until at least 2.5-3 months of seeing each other. Have made this mistake -way- too many times in the past to do it any other way. And @OJake, just how much of an age gap will you tolerate, dear?
alphamale Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Is it just me, or is that incredibly screwed up? its only been a month, change the status back to "free as a bird" and see what he says
hoping2heal Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Hi. I'm trying to get an outside perspective on something that occurred with the guy I'm seeing, because I have a tendency to have intense reactions that I later second-guess. So. The gist is I have been dating this guy for a month, last week we took a four-day road trip together during which he referred to me as his girlfriend and we had a discussion about birth control, and we decided I would go on the pill and dispense with condoms because neither of us really like them (he finds them uncomfortable, and I'm allergic to latex and have been unable to find non-latex in the larger size he requires). Yet when I went on my facebook account and changed my status to "in a relationship" (I left it at that, I did not specify his name or ask him to do the same) he said he didn't want to "rush into anything." So, apparently I'm his "girlfriend" and he expects me to forgo condoms and trust him with my health, but changing a relationship status on a social networking site is just too much of a commitment. Is it just me, or is that incredibly screwed up? Sounds like you're being told what you wanna hear so you'll give up the goods. Yes, I do think it's "incredibly screwed up." Not to mention- you've only been seeing him for a month and he wants you to go sans condom? That should be your first red flag. One month is not enough time to know wether someone is trustworthy. You need to see them consistently follow through with what they say and it needs to happen a lot longer than a MONTH. Now, he ALREADY is being inconsistent. He's only thinking about HIS pleasure and making sure YOU don't pop out his child 9 months later. He's not even thinking about YOU. He's gross.
OnlyJake Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Regardless of sex, that conversation after just one month is headed nowhere with many men, self included. And where I'd have a more diplomatic way of defusing it than shrugging wouldn't take the topic anywhere near seriously until at least 2.5-3 months of seeing each other. Have made this mistake -way- too many times in the past to do it any other way. And @OJake, just how much of an age gap will you tolerate, dear? Again, this is pretty much how I feel about it also. My assessment of age gaps is based on whether all your parts will still be working when I'm in my 40s and 50s!
Stung Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 x2 I don't even like to put up "In a relationship" when I've been dating someone for a long time, for the same reasons actually. The people who matter know what's up. Does his status say "single" or is it blank? Fair enough, and I am not a person who puts a lot of stock into FB statuses either...my husband's was blank all throughout our dating, living together, getting engaged, and having a baby, until we actually got married and then he changed it. I didn't care, because I know him really well, and because he was adult enough to tell me what he thought of these things. The OP's guy said he didn't want to rush into anything and just shrugged when she asked if they had a relationship or not. He is sending a lot of mixed signals and I think it's understandable that OP is less than thrilled that he wants to downgrade her physical protection but isn't willing to give her some emotional security in return, or even the respect of an honest conversation. It's a little thing, but potentially reflective of a big issue. OP, you should think again about dispensing with the condoms if you feel more comfortable with them until in a secure and monogamous relationship, because he's not giving you enough reason to believe that you are in one.
meerkat stew Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 My assessment of age gaps is based on whether all your parts will still be working when I'm in my 40s and 50s! Is this with or without the aid of blue pills? Erm wait, remember I have that taken care of with the cutting edge tech C02 implants! But sadly, as I recall, the spraytan and bling were a stopping point for us before, alas.
Stung Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Tried to edit my prev post to include this, but Meerkat's flirting got in my way so I have to try again : That being said, it HAS only been a month. While it's not great that he has a hard time communicating his own feelings to you, it's a little soon to have a 'serious monogamy' talk by a LOT of people's standards. I would just keep the condoms and tell him you're tabling the whole thing for now, birth control talk AND bf/gf talk, for at least another month. And don't sweat his FB status just yet, you can either leave yours where it is as you are, after all, dating, or switch it to blank or 'it's complicated' or even single and just let the chips fall where they may. You might get some annoying messages about it, though...maybe in your next relationship you'll want to make really sure you're on the same page before making public announcements, instead of assuming a man telling you he doesn't like condoms means he's committed to you. In my experience that's never a safe assumption, and relationship status needs a more specific talk.
OnlyJake Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Fair enough, and I am not a person who puts a lot of stock into FB statuses either...my husband's was blank all throughout our dating, living together, getting engaged, and having a baby, until we actually got married and then he changed it. I didn't care, because I know him really well, and because he was adult enough to tell me what he thought of these things. The OP's guy said he didn't want to rush into anything and just shrugged when she asked if they had a relationship or not. He is sending a lot of mixed signals and I think it's understandable that OP is less than thrilled that he wants to downgrade her physical protection but isn't willing to give her some emotional security in return, or even the respect of an honest conversation. It's a little thing, but potentially reflective of a big issue. OP, you should think again about dispensing with the condoms if you feel more comfortable with them until in a secure and monogamous relationship, because he's not giving you enough reason to believe that you are in one. Tried to edit my prev post to include this, but Meerkat's flirting got in my way so I have to try again : That being said, it HAS only been a month. While it's not great that he has a hard time communicating his own feelings to you, it's a little soon to have a 'serious monogamy' talk by a LOT of people's standards. I would just keep the condoms and tell him you're tabling the whole thing for now, birth control talk AND bf/gf talk, for at least another month. And don't sweat his FB status just yet, you can either leave yours where it is as you are, after all, dating, or switch it to blank or 'it's complicated' or even single and just let the chips fall where they may. You might get some annoying messages about it, though...maybe in your next relationship you'll want to make really sure you're on the same page before making public announcements, instead of assuming a man telling you he doesn't like condoms means he's committed to you. In my experience that's never a safe assumption, and relationship status needs a more specific talk. Good advice. I might be giving the OP's guy the benefit of the doubt to an extent, because I got the impression that they are both on the young-er side (that might be an ASSumption by me...). Of course he should handle those conversations differently than he did, but I think that's something people learn to do better (hopefully) as they get older.
meerkat stew Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 You might get some annoying messages about it, though...maybe in your next relationship you'll want to make really sure you're on the same page before making public announcements... I have a FB friend, more of an acquaintance actually, who changes the relationship status straightaway whenever she has 2-3 dates with the same guy. She then proceeds to compound things by posting all these status updates about how deeply in love she is every hour of the day, clogging up the "home" page for all her friends. Have observed this cycle four times over the last year, and wonder if she is ever going to learn. Personally, I couldn't stand a bunch of "what went wrong, you seemed so happy?" type wall posts, maybe she thrives on it. Who knows. OP, the above is just another reason why many people are fishy about FB relationship status. Relax, have fun and give things some time, he will come around in a bit if he's quality, and if not, just next him.
Stung Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I have a FB friend, more of an acquaintance actually, who changes the relationship status straightaway whenever she has 2-3 dates with the same guy. She then proceeds to compound things by posting all these status updates about how deeply in love she is every hour of the day, clogging up the "home" page for all her friends. Have observed this cycle four times over the last year, and wonder if she is ever going to learn. Personally, I couldn't stand a bunch of "what went wrong, you seemed so happy?" type wall posts, maybe she thrives on it. Who knows. OP, the above is just another reason why many people are fishy about FB relationship status. Relax, have fun and give things some time, he will come around in a bit if he's quality, and if not, just next him. I don't know any of those people IRL and my newsfeed is relatively drama-free most of the time, but I DO occasionally enjoy their shenanigans (along with other FB miscreants) on STFU Marrieds
Author stupid_bathwater Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 I guess I should further qualify. . . this is not some random person I met in a bar. I first met him about six years ago when he was dating someone I knew, they had about a year-long relationship and we've remained acquaintances and been on friendly terms since then. It's only in the last month that it became romantic. So we've spent a lot of time together and I know a lot about him. Also, he's 29 and I'm 24. In case anyone is interested I set my status back to "single" (and did not post about it, which I didn't do the first time either, I was using it mainly as a signal to anyone interested that I was not looking for a new partner) and decided to just leave him alone until he contacts me. According to him we don't have a relationship, so I'm not going to be concerned about it. If he wants to grow up and stop giving off mixed signals, fine. Otherwise I'm just not going to be bothered.
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I guess I should further qualify. . . this is not some random person I met in a bar. I first met him about six years ago when he was dating someone I knew, they had about a year-long relationship and we've remained acquaintances and been on friendly terms since then. It's only in the last month that it became romantic. So we've spent a lot of time together and I know a lot about him. Also, he's 29 and I'm 24. In case anyone is interested I set my status back to "single" (and did not post about it, which I didn't do the first time either, I was using it mainly as a signal to anyone interested that I was not looking for a new partner) and decided to just leave him alone until he contacts me. According to him we don't have a relationship, so I'm not going to be concerned about it. If he wants to grow up and stop giving off mixed signals, fine. Otherwise I'm just not going to be bothered. Good for you! I've learned in dating to never assume.
meerkat stew Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I DO occasionally enjoy their shenanigans (along with other FB miscreants) on STFU Marrieds http://stfumarrieds.tumblr.com/ That site is hilarious! Had not see it. Thanks.
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