Life is a chore and I don't know how to change it

[asleep and dreaming]

Don’t really know how to start….

 

I’m in my third and final year of Uni. No point going into too much detail now – but I’ve absolutely hated it. I didn’t make one final friend until right at the end of second year (which has got me through this year), I’ve no idea how I got through the first two years. Just felt so lonely. I’ve always been shy and introverted and lacking confidence. I don’t know if this had an effect on my lack of social life at Uni, I did try my hardest despite not being the best in groups of new people. When I realised I had nothing in common with my coursemates (small course) or flatmates, I joined clubs and societies, and tried my hardest to go. It got to the point where I was finding it hard to go out because I felt so alone and depressed, but I knew these groups were my only chance. Unfortunately, about half way through the first year, at the times I did manage to make it to the groups, I got so sad at coming home alone I eventually gave up, and spent most of the time confined to my room. Throughout the first two years, I just felt so lonely and like I say don’t know how I kept going. Luckily for me, my parents have always encouraged getting up at a reasonable hour and getting exercise each day, so I tried my hardest to do this, although lots of the time it was impossible. I wouldn’t say I was so depressed I couldn’t do anything, just there were long times of feeling so down and alone where I confined myself to my room. At other times, although I felt alone I knew I had to try and change things, I did stuff like going into town (which often made me feel worst, just me in a city, wandering around amongst busy people), tried going to lectures. By the second year, I realised to do well in my studies was the only thing that would make the loneliness, time and money a tiny bit worth it, and I did go to lectures most of the time. I am proud of myself for this, it was hard but I did prefer being out and busy than alone.

 

Anyway, that’s some background information. To the present, well basically now I don’t know how I feel. Third year has been a bit better, not brilliant mind but at least I have one friend, who I live with and it makes me smile everyday. I feel much happier when I’m around her, but the rest of the time I don’t know really. I had previously thought I only felt like this at Uni, but I don’t know whether it’s the result of such a long time of misery, or that something has changed at home, but I’m no longer happy when I’m there either. Everything is getting to me and I find it so hard to go on. I guess a main factor in this is that I have drifted further away from my best friend – during my first two years I used to cry on the phone to him every night, then he went to Uni and as expected became more busy, something I have no problem with. But it’s always me making the effort, he knows how I feel at the moment but I’m sure he could make time for a chat once in a while. Now I don’t really know where else to turn.

 

My friendship circle at home is small, but I do generally feel okay within it. But because it’s so small, a lot of the time I find myself alone there too. All this is leading me to more of a lack of self confidence than I had before I started Uni (I’ve always been pretty unconfident, Uni has just worsened it). When I’m alone, I just seem to waste so much time doing nothing now. I can’t motivate myself to do things, I can’t concentrate enough to read a book, or sit down and watch a film. It’s weird because when I’m with someone I can do everyday things better, all I want is company it seems, even if sometimes I’m not the best in it. I seem to waste so much time when I’m alone, just browsing the internet, but not even reading it. I havn’t read a whole newspaper for god knows how long, I really want to I just can’t seem to do it.

 

I’ve been to the doctor, two different ones. The first one was in my second year of uni, I told him I think a lot of it was to do with the situation at uni and he suggested to see the counselling service, which I was already doing. It wasn’t really much help, I did a confidence/self esteem group and a one to one session, but neither helped me with anything I didn’t know. This will sound stupid, because I know at the end of the day it’s up to me to change things I don’t like, but it feels like however hard I try nothing works. I went to a second in the summer, and he said I had mild depression. He told me to read the book CBT for dummies, I have tried and again it does make sense but only for a bit and then I just think what’s the point since it doesn’t work anyway.

 

I am also generally really scared about the future. I wonder how the past three years will affect my life. I have no idea what career I want, and don’t have the belief to apply to any old graduate scheme like people are telling me to do because I want to feel I’m good enough for a job before I apply to it, but I don’t feel so for any of them. As far back as I can remember, I’ve struggled for confidence, and I’ve tried and failed to change this. My lack of interests has led me to believe I’m a really uninteresting person, but yet I can’t motivate myself to find new interests (I still have my football though, one thing that has kept me going!). I will worry about the smallest thing, often getting in a state about it. I feel like I am just existing, and not really living, life is a chore and most of the time doesn’t seem worth it. Yet I would never end it myself, even if I have thought of it, I couldn’t do that to my parents especially.

 

I’m sorry, this just sounds like I’m having a long moan and looking for sympathy. I’m not, at all. I do try and look for positives, for example I am proud of getting through Uni being on course to do well, even if I do wish I had quit! And of course, in these type of posts, you do seem to dwell a lot on negatives more than positives, please don’t get me wrong there are times I do feel happy. Okay I’m really rambling now, didn’t expect to write this much. I also realise none of you know me, my situation or personality, and I’m not really the best at explaining things properly (I’ve tried a few times and started again!). Basically I wanted to see what people think about my situation and any advice you might have. I expect I know what’s coming, but I’d really appreciate if anyone has read this and can maybe give their own experiences and how they got through it.

 

Thank you.

[PlumPrincess]

There are three things that I found where you can meet lots of people: knitting groups (local groups), http://www.couchsurfing.org (the local members organize various kinds of events) and Salsa dancing. I think I'm in somewhat weird phase in my life where I don't really care about being around close friends (or what I used to believe were close friends ). I'm happy with socializing with people I meet here and there.

 

Right now, I'm re-reading "A Guide To Rational Living" by Albert Ellis and it's a really awewome book. It helps me a lot with achieving a clear mind and developing a healthier attitude towards life and people.

 

I think, it's really great that despite everything you're still so focused on your studies. I did let myself get distracted many times by such worthless, useless problems, don't let that happen to you. ;-)

[josie54]

Hi asleep,

 

I read your post and I was amazed at how similar our experiences have been. I have been to 10 (yes TEN) different doctors, psychologists, and therapists over the years, for the same reasons you describe in your post. I was also told I suffered from mild depression. I've tried antidepressants, which only made me loopy and flat, but didn't help. I've tried talk therapy, which only rehashed what I already knew over and over again, and only made me feel worse over time. I go out in groups and try to socialize, etc., but come home feeling worse. Like you, I've come to realize that only I can change this, but as you know, it's easier said than done.

 

By "change," I mean to some extent my external circumstances, but that hasn't worked so well. Those kinds of changes tend to really only change how people view me, not really how I feel. (Most people think I'm happy and having fun--I've even been complimented on my "bubbly" personality and humor! (ha)--they have no idea....) I can "act happy" just fine....I just can't FEEL happy. So, over the years, I've found that I really need to change my internal circumstances--how I see things. But it's difficult.

 

I'll tell you what I do to cope--mind you, I have not been 100 percent successful in changing the disconnectedness I feel from the world BUT I've been able to take the edge off significantly. Because traditional antidepressants and talk therapy didn't work for me (including CBT...I had exactly the same experience you did with CBT--it made sense, but it didn't seem to apply to me), I looked into things I could do myself. These are mostly dietary and a little new-agey at times, but they help me function, and that's what I need:

 

-I exercise (walking, running) a few times a week, and complete a yoga routine (on DVD) at least once a week.

 

-I read a lot of books on meditation and Buddhism--I know it sounds out there, but given the fact that it's my mind that I believe I have to reset, these books do give me hope that I can do so. I try to meditate, although it's difficult to set aside the time to "let go." But when I do, I feel somewhat better.

 

-I gave up eating foods with refined sugar. This was a big one for me. I'm not sure about you, but I'm addicted to sweets (I'm the kind who would eat dessert first, before dinner) and I feel 100x more depressed when I'm on a sugar binge. By limiting or eliminating sugar (with great difficulty), I can at least think more clearly. I can function.

 

-I've looked into alternative remedies to think more clearly and reduce anxiety and depression. I've had to experiment to see what works for me, but things like Asian ginseng, rhodiola rosea, ashwaghanda, and 5-HTP have helped here and there. (Ginseng and rhodiola have helped the most to give me more energy through the day--ashwaghanda, 5HTP, and even red teas and low doses of magnesium can help me sleep when I'm too upset to do so). Again, these are things I've tried that have worked, but I've experimented with when, whether, and how much I should take at a given time to work for me.

 

-I visited a conventional doctor who also does alternative medicine. He prescribed several natural remedies (including some I've named above). Again, taking this action made me feel better.

 

-I do highly recommend taking a B-complex vitamin daily. When I take this vitamin, I have more energy. When I stop taking it, the depression comes back even more strongly, just as it does when I eat too much sugar.

 

-Finally, I drink lots of green tea. I'm not sure what it is--the compounds or the caffeine or whatever--but daily tea keeps me on a more even keel during the day.

 

I know this sounds like I'm taking so much (I don't take it all at once), but I was really slipping into becoming nonfunctional and no amount of traditional therapy was working for me. I figured none of this could be any worse than pharmaceutical treatments, and as it turned out, they actually did make me feel better. I can function and sometimes even feel hopeful, which I didn't before.

 

We have a lot in common, so I really do understand what you were saying in your post--every word of it. I hope that some of these ideas are helpful.

[Angel1111]

It's possible that you're deliberately rejecting people in your life for some reason. Were you belittled as a child? Were you made to feel insignificant, or that you needed to be quiet most of the time? That's usually what shyness is really about - a lack of self-worth, a sense of not fitting in. I would think that it would be really difficult not to make friends when you're in college, so I'm thinking it has more to do with you than you realize. First of all, just because you don't have things in common with people, did you really give them a chance? Did you hang out with people and just see if you could simply enjoy being with them? Maybe you could've learned to like the things they liked. Being friends with people doesn't mean that you have to like everything they do. It means accepting people as they are.

 

I'm not saying go against your own principles in order to make friends, but it may be that your interests are so limited that you aren't going to find many friends if you're looking for someone with like interests. What 'like interests' are there when you really seem to have none? Why not develop some likes based on the people you meet and see if you can enjoy them? Sometimes I do things with people, not because I'm interested in what we're doing, but because I enjoy being around them. I think you're being overly picky about who you're with and, in the process, you're incongruously alienating yourself from others.

 

What is it about your current friend that caused you to have a friendship with her? If she's a good friend, then chat with her about it. Ask her what she sees in you that may be causing you to be so isolated. People around us usually can see things that we can't see. But, personally, I think you have made a habit of pushing people away because of insignificant reasons and this is the result.

Edited January 31, 2010 by Angel1111