grfins Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Hi every one. I'm 5 months into a seperation after my wife left for another man after more than 20 years. Its still crushing and all mind consuming. I am doing all the suggested healing techniques( therepy, anti depressents, family, started going out, LS, etc) and the waves of anguish are still very intense. I am doing the no contact thing although that is difficult to do with a 14 year old. So far amicable seperation. My problem is that I still allow my wife to come in the house after she picks up my son from school. I was not going to allow this after dday but my son wanted me to just get locks for the rooms I dont want her in. She stays for an hour or 2 and helps him with homework and chats and leaves before I get home from work. My son likes this arrangement because he would rather come home than go somewhere else after school. She can not take my son to her apartment as I have it in the sep agreement that my son can never be in the presence of the OM. I have been struggling with this arrangement for awhile now as I know it is hindering my recovery process. I hate knowing she is in the house 2 or 3 days a week. We were a family in this house for 9 years and it hurts knowing that she was in here and now is going to her home into the arms of another man. A couple of times I came home only to see her car in driveway so I did not stop. Even that seems to set me back for days. I definetely cant see her or talk to her on the phone because my heart aches even worse from these things. When the divorce is final she will definetly not be allowed in ever but I want her out now. I know this will hurt my son a great deal( I have primary custody btw) Im stuck as to weather I should just suck it up for 5 or 6 more months and allow the healing process to take even longer or put a stop to it and then things willbe more difficult for my son to spend comfortable time with his mom and then he might get very angry with me. suggestions?
mimidarlin Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 fins...talk to your son. Be honest with him about how difficult this is for you. You know the divorce is inevitable. Your son may be hanging on to the hope of keeping her attached to the two of you. Maybe you should ask your therapist to help you with approaching your son. It's hard for children to see their parents in pain. I'm going through the pain of my separation and my students know this. They ask frequently how I am doing and some have shared their own experiences. This is never easy on the child but I think that your honesty will be appreciated. You need to plan it out so you don't disclose more than is absolutely necessary. Maybe they can go to the public library or a cafe after school? That way she is with him to help with homework but the establishing a new routine. The routine will need to be established for when the divorce is final anyway.
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