nofirstnames Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 (edited) Part 2 of http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t205774/ I'm back. Slightly different user name. Long story why I had to change it. Anyway, I’m still second guessing myself. It's been many months since I starting suspecting my husband. In that time we’ve started MC, and I’ve started IC. I’ve been able to get passed most of my "reasons" for suspecting him, but there are two sticking points that I cannot get passed, and I don’t see a way to ever get an answer I will trust. It’s impossible for me to be objective at this point. Red flag #1: I placed a call to his landline at work one day. Typically, I would always call him on his cell, so I had never met nor spoken to his admin. She answered his line and when I asked to speak with him she said, in a very annoyed tone of voice, "Is this Julie?" My name is not Julie. But, the woman with whom I’ve suspected since day one that he’s involved with…well, her name is Julie! I zeroed in on this gal long before Ms. Admin confused me with her over the phone. That incident cemented it for me. I think it’s important to add here that Julie works in his office too. She sits right outside his door. To be fair there is another Julie in his office, but he doesn’t get along with her, and it’s evident to everyone in their departments. Red Flag #2: We had been to the jeweler to pick-up my wedding ring. It was being repaired (talk about symbolism there). On the ride back home, our 7 yo was complaining about having been forced to make the errand with us. He was in a sour mood. H, in his attempt to lighten the mood said something along the lines of, "Mommy needed her wedding ring because when she doesn’t wear it, men try to ask her out." Not at all true BTW. H was totally kidding. K responded, "Remember when you were emailing that girl on the computer and she asked you out and you said no?" H denied it ever happened. Even went so far as to reprimand K for lying. K was crushed. Again, to be fair, I’ve been on the receiving end of some of those whoppers K tells. Not so much that he lies with intent, just that he has a selective memory, or only hears what he wants to hear. I can’t ask the admin for a couple reasons: fear of embarrassing H if I’m wrong, and if she even remembers the incident she’s going to protect her job if she’s smart. H is computer literate and knows about keyloggers, etc…I could never catch him that way, assuming he’s still at it. I can’t bring myself to pressure my 7yo for information. Just feels wrong on so many levels. Right now, I feel like these are signs that I shouldn’t ignore. Am I reading too much into these incidents because of where my head is at this point, or am I in denial? My biggest fear is that down the road, my story will read like TerryW’s. Please help me see this objectively. Thanks! Edited January 29, 2010 by nofirstnames
BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Its crazy that your husband is making you feel CRAZY! There is definetly something going on...EA..or..PA...either one is devastating. And I think you should figure out what your options are right now. He isn't going to tell you the truth, people like that don't tell the truth until they know for sure that you have found concrete evidence. Are you going to counseling? if not, I would do so. I was exactly where you are right now and I found out that my H was not the person I thought he was...I wish the best of luck to you.
MARINE_ONE Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I know anytime in my life that I had a feeling that someone was cheating or just up to no good, it turned out to be true. You have to listen to your nagging feeling. It's nagging you for a good reason.
Jeff1962 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 This might be quite devious and considered entrapment but; If you know of any web sites or chat sites that your H visits, maybe you could talk a trusted friend into joining them and slowly approaching him on these sites. Have trusted friend corresond with you in all honesty his reactions or interactions with others. See what happens. I now you said this was an office concern but this might lead to some concrete evidence. On another note. Do not expose any further the fact that you suspect Julie or him. This could blow your chances of nailing them both. Good luck to you.
freestyle Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 This might be quite devious and considered entrapment but; If you know of any web sites or chat sites that your H visits, maybe you could talk a trusted friend into joining them and slowly approaching him on these sites. Have trusted friend corresond with you in all honesty his reactions or interactions with others. See what happens. I now you said this was an office concern but this might lead to some concrete evidence. On another note. Do not expose any further the fact that you suspect Julie or him. This could blow your chances of nailing them both. Good luck to you. This is very sound advice. I'd like to elaborate further. When you're dealing with someone trying to gaslight you, and tell you that you're crazy for having suspicions, that's a likely indicator of guilt. If your gut tells you that the truth is being suppressed, the only way you're going to get to the bottom of things is by gathering evidence patiently. "To catch a fox, you have to think like a fox." Keep quiet about your suspicions, so your H will be lulled into a false sense of security.(quoting Spark there, that's how she caught her WH) Make duplicate hard copies of everything you collect that's incriminating, in case you need it in court someday.(leave a couple sets with trusted friends or family members) I have mixed feelings about the entrapment scenario, in a lot of ways it goes against my grain..............but considering that your H is possibly not only jeapordizing your physical health, but your long-term emotional well-being as well.................... perhaps it is time for the gloves to come off. An innocent, loving spouse, would be allaying your fears with compassion...............not giving you a runaround.
cybersister Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 While it does sound to me like there is something going on, I like the entrapment idea, cos gut instincts can be wrong. My ex was truly paranoid- I never cheated on him but his constant suspicion proved the end of us. And he would say things like " I talked to my sister about what you are doing and she thinks you are cheating too." Of course she would say that cos she only heard his paranoid crap.
MARINE_ONE Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 While it does sound to me like there is something going on, I like the entrapment idea, cos gut instincts can be wrong. My ex was truly paranoid- I never cheated on him but his constant suspicion proved the end of us. And he would say things like " I talked to my sister about what you are doing and she thinks you are cheating too." Of course she would say that cos she only heard his paranoid crap. Not always, but when one person is paranoid for no reason it usually means they are cheating themselves. IMHO
SleepingDog Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 (edited) There is no use just confronting because betrayers will usually lie and lie again. You need hard proof. Looks like you may need to tread the same sorry path most of us have done at some stage: snoop. Don't bother about entrapment, there are much easier means at your disposal. Put a keystroke logger on the computer to get passwords and msn conversations, check the phone bills, credit cards. This is of course a great breach of trust, but not as immoral IMO as having an affair. You have right to know. If you find something make sure you have copies, or change his pw so he can;t quickly delete the evidence. Edited January 29, 2010 by SleepingDog
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