eeyore1981 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I'm not sure I know what to say to explain how I feel. I don't even know where to start. I have been married 25 years, together 26. The latest fight with my H has been going on since Sunday, but it is the tip of the iceberg. We have little to no communication. My needs are not important to him. My feelings are not important to him. He rarely supports me. He rarely has my back. I've tried to initiate MC many, many times over our marriage, and since his A, twice with one MC, then again a few months ago with another MC. I have gone to IC many times. I would say at least 90% of the work of keeping this marriage together has been done by me. I don't think I have the motivation to do this anymore. H had an affair for about a year. I found out in Sept 2007. I still have a lot of unresolved feelings about it. When I try to bring this up with him and work it out, I get mostly silent treatment. He also lied about the A up until at least this past Oct or Nov. He could still be lying now. I don't know if I care anymore. Our sex life has been good until a few days ago. I don't want to anymore, and I have no feeling of trying to make myself want to. I resent at this point making any effort towards our marriage, when I seem to be the only one doing it. In fact, this is pretty much the pattern which took place leading to him having an affair. He ignores me, has no respect for me, etc. until I finally say ok and disengage, at which point he does some outrageous crap to me like cheat, then acts totally oblivious to his part in reaching this point. I don't know where to go from here. I've tried to talk to him, over and over. I hit rock bottom on depression back in Sept., and he has given no indication he even noticed. I've worked very hard to claw my way back out of it since then. Depression, for those who haven't experienced it, has a symptom of finding it very hard to function. So, I've made some attempts to find a therapist, but as it stands I'll have to go over 100 miles round trip, plus it's a week until appt. for intake, and another week after that to actually get therapy. I don't have it in me right now, it's like a vicious circle. So what do I do? It's not like I haven't tried to find outside activities. I joined a gym and have been trying to go regularly, but I'm not getting the endorphin rush or whatever that is supposed to help. I dread going, I hate it while I am there, and I can't wait to leave. I found something I love to do, and it does give me some peace and is helpful, but it is dependent on good weather, which there has not been much of lately. I have some friends, but my job is such where I am by myself, with little to no outside contact. We go eat lunch sometimes, or go out to dinner. Most of my friends like to go out and drink, which is not really my thing. Small town, not a lot of opportunities to meet many people. So please, can anyone give me an idea of what I am supposed to do now? I figure a lot of you will say get a divorce and move on. I don't have the energy right now to deal with attorneys and fighting for my half of our stuff. So, yeah, I could throw a few things in a suitcase and take off (and there is a packed suitcase in the back of my car as we speak...) but I don't know where to go and what I am supposed to do when I get there.
Holding-On Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Ouch. Well I'll send you some cyber hugs but I'm not going to tell you to divorce. I think you need to get to a happier place by yourself before making any such decision. I feel for you with depression. I have experienced that. Do you have a sun lamp? They can really help with poor weather if you don't get much light. A few thoughts... do you like your small town? do you like your job? (not the best economy to really think about it I suppose) What about the following experiment... rent a hotel in the closest vibrant city for a Saturday night. Go into the city with a pre-set plan to do all kinds of things you really like (internet researched, tickets bought kind of plan). If you can talk a girlfriend into going, great, if not, at least you will be out and doing stuff. Maybe check out some activity groups/community centers there. (online papers/craigslist listings etc) You could even try several places until you find a community you click with. At the least you will have new experiences and not be stuck at home. Then if you found some groups that you really enjoyed/community in another city you might be able to rent a room in a house or flat and make this a regular weekend getaway, staying with your husband only for work during the week. Many people would really like to have a roommate who is only there on the weekends and your husband may come to appreciate you more or you may come to feel more independent.
HeyThere Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 (edited) You know what you need to do, so I’m leaving that alone. Like the previous poster; be nice and treat yourself – ($) trip(s), spa(s), restaurants, manicure/pedicure… - (no or little $) hobby – new and/or old, social club and/or arts group you get the idea. Go have some fun by yourself or with a group or close friend(s) or sibling. Edited January 29, 2010 by HeyThere
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Our sex life has been good until a few days ago. I don't want to anymore, and I have no feeling of trying to make myself want to. I resent at this point making any effort towards our marriage, when I seem to be the only one doing it. What was the catalyst a few days ago that made you feel as if you do not want to have sex anymore? In other words, you have not totally lost desire before have you? Through the affair, and all of the other stuff he has put your through, the two of you were still regularly intimate?
Author eeyore1981 Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 I should have put this in my original post. I am depressed, and I got pretty bad, but only part of that is from my H and my marriage. Some other stuff happened, and I think I got overloaded. I appreciate the suggestions, and will try to put some of them in play. It's been difficult around here to do anything with my friends because most of my friends who are single just want to go to bars, and my married friends won't go do anything if their spouse is at home. Their spouses, on the other hand, do whatever they want whenever they want, but I guess that would be for another post. As for the sex question, I don't know how much help I am going to be for you. I am usually very sexual. This last week of fighting over what seems to come up over and over is just the icing on the cake. I'm fed up with how I am treated. We had sex at least 10 times in the week prior to this happening. Now, I don't want him to touch me, even accidentally. I had talked to him about a situation that was stressing me out. This was a two-way conversation, and he led me to believe he was on the same page. When push came to shove, he claimed he did not know what I was talking about. I really needed his support, and he hung me out to dry. This is not a new thing, and it is not a rare thing. It happens a lot. When I tried, repeatedly, to explain to him how this made me feel, he acted oblivious. This is what he does. When I refused to drop it, he changed the subject repeatedly, and I know longer play that game, either. So then I got the silent treatment. This is how he feels it is best to handle our problems. I've had enough.
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