Stung Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Well you have a point. We don't know the girl's side of things. Obviously, CG is leaving out some pretty important information: why did he cool things off, if he's the one who did? As I've said in prior posts, guys simply don't give up fantastic sex with the woman they love--unless they suspect involvement of someone else. I'm guessing that the "fight" involved accusations or suspicions of cg's girlfriend being involved with someone else, but cg had no proof, just that old gut feeling. The girlfriend then got all defensive about it, and they basically broke up for a while and then gingerly started dating again. I still think it's pretty likely that at some point in all this cg's girlfriend at least had a fling with someone else. Why not? It kind of sounds like he broke up with her. It's certainly possible that she went out and had a fling--there are of course women who would, to make themselves feel better. On the other hand, there are women who would never even think of it, as long as their romantic interest was still focused on the OP. This line of thinking is nothing but pure conjecture at this point, as is speculation on what they argued about. It might have been something as major as infidelity, which is definitely something that would move a normal guy to take a step back from a relationship to reconsider. But the OP isn't necessarily coming off like a normal guy, he could also easily be interpreted here as a very controlling guy. There are people who will try to make their partners jump through hoops for very minor infractions or misunderstandings nowhere near as bad as infidelity. All we know at this point by the OP's own admission is that he had an argument with his girl, spent the next 6 months creating distance from her in order to control the flow of the relationship, and then after another misunderstanding that could have been cleared up with a conversation he spent another month being a total tool, seemingly in order to bring her back into line. Even if she did cheat, and that is a big if as we have no evidence and he has never even suggested that she did, the OP is still playing mindgames. They do not sound like a healthy couple to me, and he has culpability in that.
meerkat stew Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 she could have been somewhere else (to see if the grass is greener).. then found out that it won't work.. This sounds more likely than the "you can't have me (sexually) for Christmas" explanation.
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 OP, You need to know that some men on LS have a serious mistrust of women and are quick to blame the woman for any relationship problem. We don't know why your relationship changed 6 months ago or the subject of the argument that changed everything. You don't need to share that, but do need to determine whether that is truly in the past. You also haven't shared your gf's reason for needing time and space nor if she still feels that way currently. If she does, a proposal would not be advisable. Has there been pressure by her to get married? Are you proposing to appease her? Your lives are going to be busy and once married you won't be able to tone down the relationship during stressful times. How will the two of you deal with that? Best wishes and sincere hope for a happy ending!
OceanTropic Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I just don't understand why she would want space????? Things seemed to be going so well, then all of a sudden "Ohh no!! You can't have me. Back off!!" Seems bizarre.
stillafool Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 My girlfriend and I were in a serious relationship for about 2 years. We had an argument, and toned it down a bit 6 months ago. We went from being in a serious relationship to dating again. (Meaning she did not stay weekends with me anymore, and we did not have sex) We did date a one weeknight, and spend time together on the weekends. We would hug, kiss, and hold hands, we wanted to bring back the old memories. It was working very well. We both knew we wanted to get married someday. This transition we made helped out a lot. We were both very busy, and respected each other’s time. She was finishing her master degree thesis, and a part time intern, and working her full time job. I started a business a few years ago that grew from 3 to 11 employees in 2009, so my hands were full too. This slower time together I truly think kept our relationship going, and made us desire each other more. I was going to propose to her on Christmas Eve. I had a ring picked out but not purchased yet. We were talking a few days before Christmas. She asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her my plans for Christmas was to have you! She VERY BOLDLY told me which took me by surprise that I cannot have her for Christmas. I chose not to buy a ring based on how BOLDLY she told me this. She told me that day that she needs some time and space to think about things for herself, and I gave it to her. I basically disappeared for about a month. I gave her very brief text responses, and talked on the phone very little. She has started calling me more often, and we have spent at least 30 minutes on the phone everyday this week. I told me what my plans were about the ring for the first time last night, and her reaction was OMG why did you hold back. I was waiting for this. I told her based on her tone of voice I could not handle rejection of this, and was going to give it some more time. I am looking for some insight, and other opinions on this. I love her, and she loves me. I want to make this happen but I don’t want to come on forceful when she needs time, and space. After last night’s reaction it makes me want to give her the ring for Valentine’s Day I think she just wanted space because she was wondering where your relationship was headed. She definitely wants to marry you. Go for it on Valentine's Day!
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I just don't understand why she would want space????? Things seemed to be going so well, then all of a sudden "Ohh no!! You can't have me. Back off!!" Seems bizarre. But thinking about it from her side - She's been dating a man for almost two years. They're in a committed relationship and she loves him. All of a sudden, he wants to "tone" things down, spend less time with her and doesn't even want to have sex with her. She doesn't want to, but can't change his mind. She's thinking "It's now been 6 months of the "toned" down arrangement. How long is this going to last? I thought we were going to get married but everything has changed. Maybe he doesn't want to marry me? Maybe he doesn't love me?"
Lizzie60 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 This sounds more likely than the "you can't have me (sexually) for Christmas" explanation. IMO.. that wouldn't make sense.. especially if she was expecting him to propose... I think there is something else..
BG1985 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Once again, why would a guy with a great sex life all the sudden put an end to having sex for six months? It makes no sense. This whole thing just sounds like a bad idea. Were you planning on proposing to this girl out of the blue?
mem11363 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Great sex for 2 years. And then no sex for 6 MONTHS. Wow. At that age - if it takes 6 months of no sex to FIX what was broken then what will marriage between these two be like? The OP seems to be a very poor communicator - he hasn't explained WHY he wanted to stop sex, and what the actual change in the R was during the 6 months to cause him to want to restart it. Again - 6 months is a very very long time to problem solve. Once again, why would a guy with a great sex life all the sudden put an end to having sex for six months? It makes no sense. This whole thing just sounds like a bad idea. Were you planning on proposing to this girl out of the blue?
gypsy_nicky Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Lots of women can only have sex with one guy at a time, which they regard as their "primary" physical/emotional relationship. So when they cheat, they cut the "other guy" off from sex and/or emotional depth. This explains her cutting you off from sex, the drying up of your relationship, and her turning you down for Christmas (even if she only thought it was sex). women on LS, is this valid? Meaning women cannot have multiple sexual partners like men because of emotional investment. I find it hard to believe.
Woggle Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Be glad she pulled this crap before you two were married. That is what I say to men dealing with fiance issues especially if there are no children involved. You dodged a bullet and should be glad. Women can easily have sex with no emotional attachment but cheating women tend to see their husband or boy friend in the worst possible light and they view the OM as some knight in shining armor.
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Women can easily have sex with no emotional attachment but cheating women tend to see their husband or boy friend in the worst possible light and they view the OM as some knight in shining armor. WHOA. That's not true. You spout such nonsense, it's not even backed up by SCIENCE, Woggle. MEN are the ones that can easily have sex without emotional attachment. Hello? Otherwise what's up with all these WOMEN getting attached during FWB arrangements while the MEN stay perfectly DEtached? You're full of crap. Time to go research the bonding hormone...it's called oxytocin. Women produce it in larger quantities than men. Nice try, though. I'm getting really sick of misogyny on this board in general. But misogyny backed by complete and utter bull****, that's something else altogether.
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 women on LS, is this valid? Meaning women cannot have multiple sexual partners like men because of emotional investment. I find it hard to believe. Yes it is true. Studies have proven that oxytocin released by a woman's brain during sex causes her to bond with her partner. Obviously, it can be "overridden," but it's not the natural inclination.
gypsy_nicky Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Yes it is true. Studies have proven that oxytocin released by a woman's brain during sex causes her to bond with her partner. Obviously, it can be "overridden," but it's not the natural inclination. Ah yes the oxytocin.
phineas Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Yes it is true. Studies have proven that oxytocin released by a woman's brain during sex causes her to bond with her partner. Obviously, it can be "overridden," but it's not the natural inclination. My STBXW must of missed that story when it published because she spent 3 yrs of our marriage sleeping with me & OM. Sometimes in the same day. Most times every other day. We are getting a divorce & she is sleeping with him now, yet she still makes sexual advances towards me. sorry but i know of far too many incidents with friends where their wive's / live-in GF did not stop sleeping with them while they were sleeping with another man.
prettybaby Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I didn't read everybody's reaction here, but there's one conclusion that clearly pops out from this mess: You two need to communicate better and more openly. It seems like there's a lot of guessing going on, misunderstandings, and basically, a bad level communication. I personally think that your number 1 priority right now should be that: communicating. Opening up to each other, and learning how to keep things clear in order to avoid misunderstandings and bad feelings. I don't know why you guys even argued 6 months ago, but I wouldn't be surprised if it involved ineffective communication and misunderstandings too. Seriously, you need to work on that before you even get married. How are you going to handle serious issues that married couples face, if you're already stuck on some stupid "you can't have me for christmas" nonsense.
meerkat stew Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 WHOA. That's not true. You spout such nonsense, it's not even backed up by SCIENCE, Woggle. MEN are the ones that can easily have sex without emotional attachment. I have witnessed the effects and nuisance of oxytocin firsthand many times, and though its effects can be obvious and potent, placing too much emphasis on the staying power of "love drugs" in the brain is a mistake IMO that discounts our big brains. First of all, though it is apparently released during the entirety of sex, the big blast comes during orgasm. So what does oxytocin bind to during masturbation? The fantasy partner thought of during the masturbation? Surely not, that would discount big brain (cerebral cortex) power over our ability to distinguish reality. Without rambling too much further, IMO, women are equally capable as men of having sex without emotional bonding, or at least a huge subset of women with the average sexuality of today are. A woman can have as many partners as she wants. If she has sex with two different guys in one week, does she fall for both of them? Maybe, but probably not. I believe that a woman's sexual and relationship history, just like in men, and the responses of the cerebral cortex in relation to same, is more determinative of a person's propensity to "bond" emotionally, and as men and women gain more relationship and sexual experience, provided they have a strong enough mental capacity to learn from their experience, they become less likely to "bond up" at the drop of a hat due to chemical influence. She may be more likely to bond during childbearing years also, but this is a product of rational choice and goals rather than love drugs. Despite all the new science of love drugs in the brain, (and not disagreeing with it but it does center on rodents that live in holes in the desert:laugh:), with much less definitive results in human research, the primary motivator of emotional bonding is the cerebral cortex, memories, etc., moreso than love drugs. They just help things along. An endorphin rush is pleasant after exercise, and encourages us to exercise more, but it's not like some ecstasy trip that sends us into high euphoria. IMO love drugs probably operate at the same level of influence. During sex, they are great, but I don't agree that they hang around long after, exerting tremendous influence on the big brain, else we would have whole armies of women out there in love with their vibrators.
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Without rambling too much further, IMO, women are equally capable as men of having sex without emotional bonding, or at least a huge subset of women with the average sexuality of today are. A woman can have as many partners as she wants. If she has sex with two different guys in one week, does she fall for both of them? Maybe, but probably not. I think it requires more than one dose. I 've viewed it as each time she has sex with the same man, the bond she feels to him increases. I agree that it is not the only factor or reason a woman bonds to a man. I also question the science, but tend to accept it because it describes the way I feel. The more I have sex with a man, the more attached I become and I don't want anyone but him.
Woggle Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 WHOA. That's not true. You spout such nonsense, it's not even backed up by SCIENCE, Woggle. MEN are the ones that can easily have sex without emotional attachment. Hello? Otherwise what's up with all these WOMEN getting attached during FWB arrangements while the MEN stay perfectly DEtached? You're full of crap. Time to go research the bonding hormone...it's called oxytocin. Women produce it in larger quantities than men. Nice try, though. I'm getting really sick of misogyny on this board in general. But misogyny backed by complete and utter bull****, that's something else altogether. It has nothing to do with attachement and more to do with women wanting what they can't have. Commitment is like a trophy to women that they want until they actually have it and then it is worthless to them. I know plenty of women that use men for sex.
BG1985 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 My ex-girlfriend told me it was all about the chase. She pursued me for quite a while, but I wasn't ready to be tied down in a relationship. Once I came around, the relationship was nice for a short time (about a month or so), but she quickly lost interest. The oxytocin didn't keep her around by any means.
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