cg27 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 My girlfriend and I were in a serious relationship for about 2 years. We had an argument, and toned it down a bit 6 months ago. We went from being in a serious relationship to dating again. (Meaning she did not stay weekends with me anymore, and we did not have sex) We did date a one weeknight, and spend time together on the weekends. We would hug, kiss, and hold hands, we wanted to bring back the old memories. It was working very well. We both knew we wanted to get married someday. This transition we made helped out a lot. We were both very busy, and respected each other’s time. She was finishing her master degree thesis, and a part time intern, and working her full time job. I started a business a few years ago that grew from 3 to 11 employees in 2009, so my hands were full too. This slower time together I truly think kept our relationship going, and made us desire each other more. I was going to propose to her on Christmas Eve. I had a ring picked out but not purchased yet. We were talking a few days before Christmas. She asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her my plans for Christmas was to have you! She VERY BOLDLY told me which took me by surprise that I cannot have her for Christmas. I chose not to buy a ring based on how BOLDLY she told me this. She told me that day that she needs some time and space to think about things for herself, and I gave it to her. I basically disappeared for about a month. I gave her very brief text responses, and talked on the phone very little. She has started calling me more often, and we have spent at least 30 minutes on the phone everyday this week. I told me what my plans were about the ring for the first time last night, and her reaction was OMG why did you hold back. I was waiting for this. I told her based on her tone of voice I could not handle rejection of this, and was going to give it some more time. I am looking for some insight, and other opinions on this. I love her, and she loves me. I want to make this happen but I don’t want to come on forceful when she needs time, and space. After last night’s reaction it makes me want to give her the ring for Valentine’s Day
counterman Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 That is so beautiful... I think judging by her reaction, she would have accepted that proposal. Think carefully about this and what you are doing though. If you are absolutely sure, then I think you should go for it. It is not like the marriage is going to happen soon. You could be engaged up to or more than 2years, until things settle down then plan for your marriage.
boogieboy Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Did she tell you the real reason she wanted space yet, since she was waiting for you to propose? Was she going to bail on you thinking you were never going to propose?
Author cg27 Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 I think it was starting to get to the point where she wanted to bail on me for not proposing yet. I was waiting for the holidays to come and make it a special time, and knowing that we both had all of our personal and professional responsibilities taken care of by that time.
Ms. Joolie Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 She VERY BOLDLY told me which took me by surprise that I cannot have her for Christmas. Do you remember the wording of this conversation? Might help to clear up what was really said since this conversation seems to have made all the difference in this last month between you two. So how did the conversation really go? What was really said?
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 But why did she tell you that you couldn't have "her" for Christmas? It doesn't sound like something a woman wanting a proposal would say.
counterman Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Yes! What she said about not being able to have her friend christmas VERY boldly! My mind seemed to have slipped on that part... I am curious as to why she would say that too if she wanted your proposal and what she actually said.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 She asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her my plans for Christmas was to have you! She VERY BOLDLY told me which took me by surprise that I cannot have her for Christmas. Perhaps she wanted a proposal and misunderstood you and thought that 'having you' meant 'having sex'.
counterman Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Perhaps she wanted a proposal and misunderstood you and thought that 'having you' meant 'having sex'. Okay! I didn't pick up that possible sexual innuendo
meerkat stew Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 But why did she tell you that you couldn't have "her" for Christmas? It doesn't sound like something a woman wanting a proposal would say. Agree with the above. Also, this dating without spending much time together and sex would be a great way to start things off for awhile, but not at all as a continuation of a 2 year relationship when the goal was marriage. How much of this "toning back" of the relationship was a mutual decision. If it was mostly her decision, don't marry a woman who will manipulate you in this way. Just from what you post, I get the idea that you are trying to get her back into the relationship by proposing, and if that's the case, a bad idea IMO. In your shoes would tell her that the prelude to a proposal is a significant time of a full relationship, not some half relationship.
Ms. Joolie Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 ...the prelude to a proposal is a significant time of a full relationship, not some half relationship. Agree. I didn't want to question the OP's intention for getting married, but I did wonder how fulfilling the relationship was prior to Christmas. Is the OP simply using this proposal as a means of security in a relationship that is not secure?
Author cg27 Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 I am the one that brought up the toning down idea. She did not agree with me at first. After about 2 weeks of this she realized it was working wonders. I want to get her back in the relationship, and that is why I basically disappeared for about a month. I wanted to see her show me she wants it to. She has showing me a lot this week, and we are talking everything out. She knows this is what she wants. She wants the commitment from me, and me giving her that commitment we will both go into the relationship knowing it is full, and nothing half.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Do not propose, get out while you still can. Sounds like this woman has you wrapped around her finger...owns you even. Do not propose to this manipulative woman, until you've been back together and she's shown you that she will be a good wife.
Ms. Joolie Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I wanted to see her show me she wants it to. She has showing me a lot this week, and we are talking everything out. She knows this is what she wants. She wants the commitment from me, and me giving her that commitment we will both go into the relationship knowing it is full, and nothing half. If you two love each other, are talking it out and really want the commitment... I think everything that has happened has been just right for you two. And everything you are doing now sounds great, just seems you need to chase out the last bits of insecurity in your head. Provided there is open and honest communication on both your parts, I think your Valentine's Day proposal sounds like a great idea. Best of wishes to you both!
Author cg27 Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 Thank you! It is always good to hear something positive
someotherguy Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 So...you're going to propose to a woman you're "just dating" and who won't have sex with you? Good luck, you'll need it if she accepts. Listen, you don't propose to a woman you're dating. You propose to a woman you're in a deeply committed relationship with. I think her response about you telling her about the ring was simply a cliche emotional response, and not necessarily truly indicative of her true feelings. You were on a pretty decent arc, moving in the right direction, then you took the wrong fork in the road and slowed down dramatically. You really need to think about what that means, but by no means should you propose until you've been "serious" with her again for another year or so. A proposal after a break or slowdown is simply a means of building security on an unsure foundation. Which is a big mistake.
mem11363 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 CG, Take this from a guy - married 20 plus years with a great physical relationship. Your GF thought you meant you wanted SEX when you said you wanted her. Buddy it had been 6 MONTHS and she totally shut you down. So yes she wants the financial security you can offer but she finds sex with you a necessary evil. So sure she will marry you - but you will be sexually starved and it will be the norm for your marriage. Go read all the posts on here about women who admit they never were really in love with their men and typically after demanding a long period of celibacy from their HUSBANDS - they dump them and take a big financial settlement. Sex is 10 percent of the relationship when it is good and becomes 90 percent when it is bad. My girlfriend and I were in a serious relationship for about 2 years. We had an argument, and toned it down a bit 6 months ago. We went from being in a serious relationship to dating again. (Meaning she did not stay weekends with me anymore, and we did not have sex) We did date a one weeknight, and spend time together on the weekends. We would hug, kiss, and hold hands, we wanted to bring back the old memories. It was working very well. We both knew we wanted to get married someday. This transition we made helped out a lot. We were both very busy, and respected each other’s time. She was finishing her master degree thesis, and a part time intern, and working her full time job. I started a business a few years ago that grew from 3 to 11 employees in 2009, so my hands were full too. This slower time together I truly think kept our relationship going, and made us desire each other more. I was going to propose to her on Christmas Eve. I had a ring picked out but not purchased yet. We were talking a few days before Christmas. She asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her my plans for Christmas was to have you! She VERY BOLDLY told me which took me by surprise that I cannot have her for Christmas. I chose not to buy a ring based on how BOLDLY she told me this. She told me that day that she needs some time and space to think about things for herself, and I gave it to her. I basically disappeared for about a month. I gave her very brief text responses, and talked on the phone very little. She has started calling me more often, and we have spent at least 30 minutes on the phone everyday this week. I told me what my plans were about the ring for the first time last night, and her reaction was OMG why did you hold back. I was waiting for this. I told her based on her tone of voice I could not handle rejection of this, and was going to give it some more time. I am looking for some insight, and other opinions on this. I love her, and she loves me. I want to make this happen but I don’t want to come on forceful when she needs time, and space. After last night’s reaction it makes me want to give her the ring for Valentine’s Day
Author cg27 Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 I don't agree. We had a fantastic sexual relationship.
Buttnutter100 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Cg, I'll have to agree with those who say, "Watch out!" When women say they "need space," generally, it means that there's another man involved somewhere, somehow. This also tends to be the case when they withdraw from having sex with you, as happened in your case. When you said you "wanted her for Christmas," even IF she interpreted that as meaning you wanted to have sex with her, she still rejected that overture. In a harsh way. Why not just be amused and flattered by it, if she actually loves you? Remember--you had already been in a sexual relationship which was likely ended by her, not by you (after all what guy voluntarily ends a sexual relationship with the woman he loves and wants to marry?) Lots of women can only have sex with one guy at a time, which they regard as their "primary" physical/emotional relationship. So when they cheat, they cut the "other guy" off from sex and/or emotional depth. This explains her cutting you off from sex, the drying up of your relationship, and her turning you down for Christmas (even if she only thought it was sex). I don't think your stiff work schedule has anything to do with that. People who love each other find the time know what I mean? Now I have another bombshell for you unfortunately. It's my belief that during your month long "break" over Christmas, her relationship with the hypothetical Other Man either became physical or if it was already physical became very amped up in its emotional/physical intensity. She evidently thought you were "done" with her. I believe that's why she said "Oh My God" when you had told her actually you meant to get engaged to her. Because she felt bad about amping up her relationship with the other man as it puts a marriage proposal from you into jeopardy. Even though she didn't really want to get married to you, she still wants the proposal; the rock (i.e. engagement ring); and possibly even the pageantry of a wedding itself. Many women have this fantasy of being the bride at a wedding as an end all and be all in itself. So at this point no I definitely would not propose to her on Valentine's Day. I do not think she has been honest with you about what's been going on in her life while she was spending her time away from you. I'm sorry my friend but women in "serious" (i.e. sexual relationships) do not simply stop having sex with their boyfriends for no reason. And the reason almost invariably is that they have met someone else. I think this relationship has played itself out for you. You sound like a good man and I think will have no problem whatsoever finding someone else. Marrying this woman will be too hazardous to your emotional (and financial) health.
Angel1111 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 (edited) Just propose to her. Otherwise, you'll never know what could've been. If you plan to propose on Valentine's, then be sure you ask her out for that day - very soon - and then propose. I think she'll be thrilled. Good luck! Edited January 29, 2010 by Angel1111
Buttnutter100 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I am the one that brought up the toning down idea. She did not agree with me at first. After about 2 weeks of this she realized it was working wonders. I want to get her back in the relationship, and that is why I basically disappeared for about a month. I wanted to see her show me she wants it to. She has showing me a lot this week, and we are talking everything out. She knows this is what she wants. She wants the commitment from me, and me giving her that commitment we will both go into the relationship knowing it is full, and nothing half. Cg, sorry, but this post of yours doesn't quite make sense. First you say it was you who brought up the toning down idea. But you don't say why that was necessary. Then you next imply that you wanted to get her back into the relationship. So that implies that you toned things down because you didn't feel she was sufficiently "into" the relationship. Well frankly whatever the relationship was, has never rejuvenated, because you stopped having sex and apparently never started up again. As I said before unless you are having sex with someone else why would you stop having sex with her for six months if you both really loved each other? Someone is manipulating someone here, but generally speaking when it comes to sexual things it's the woman who manipulates the man; however oftentimes a manipulated man will convince himself that he's calling the shots when he's really not. So you were only dating once a week, no sex, and just saw her a little bit on the weekends. You don't say whether or not you were exclusive or if you could verify that she wasn't seeing someone else. Listen, the fact is that when people who have been in intense relationships take "breaks" like this it means one or both of them are seeing someone else. Since you don't indicate you were seeing other women (were you? if so you don't love her enough to marry her!) I will assume she was seeing another man/men. I just don't see if two people love each other enough to get married, and already had a previous history of a sexual relationship, how they can go through six months with no significant physical sexual relationship. Take a pass on this girl.
Stung Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 This woman is getting a little bashed here for being manipulative or a cheater, but perhaps people have not noticed this kind of important detail: the OP is the one who wanted to tone down the relationship and put it on the back burner for six months. They had some kind of argument and HE initiated the change from serious relationship to dating-with-no-sex, and says she was against it. Assuming she mistook his question about what he wanted for Christmas as a holiday sex request, I'm not too surprised that she was less than pleased...it could easily be read as a total mindgame after that. And then HE backed away further because he didn't like what she said, "basically disappearing for a month," making her chase him for a solid month to figure out what went wrong while he only dropped a few monosyllabic text messages to keep her hooked, instead of just asking her what she meant or trying to clarify his position. OP, you are the manipulative one here, not your girlfriend. You have been playing headgames with her for seven months now by your own admission. You are not ready for marriage.
Lizzie60 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 But why did she tell you that you couldn't have "her" for Christmas? It doesn't sound like something a woman wanting a proposal would say. My thoughts exactly... I don't think that was the reason.. she could have been somewhere else (to see if the grass is greener).. then found out that it won't work.. and now is coming back to you.. since you're a 'safe place'... Be careful... verrrry careful.. methink she will break your heart..
phineas Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Just propose to her. Otherwise, you'll never know what could've been. If you plan to propose on Valentine's, then be sure you ask her out for that day - very soon - and then propose. I think she'll be thrilled. Good luck! That will put her on the spot. She'll have to figure out which guy to spend valentines with.
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